NationStates Jolt Archive

Are you secure enough to be a swinger? You know, have a stable, monagamous relationship emotionally but let your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife have sex with whoever they want?
A friend of mine has this idea that our bodies belong to no one and no one should be able to "possess" us by limiting who we have sex with, even our spouses. Then again, she has also said that ideally, no one should actually own anything and that homosexuals are somehow more evolved (huh?). I think it's a little crazy, and I certainly would want the comfort of knowing that my wife is intimate with only me.
But perhaps I'm not "progressive" enough or just insecure. Would you ever consider it?

I personally don't ever care if my boyfriend/girlfriend makes out with other people or gets into some heavy petting. I generally don't have a problem as long as the clothes remain on, because I know that in the end they're coming home to me, not random other guy/girl. And I can perfectly understand the need to release some sexual tension, espeically if I've been unavailable for whatever reason.

for me, it depends on the seriousness of the relationship. sex is an emotional connection, as well as a physical one, and i'm jsut more comfortable sharing that with one person at a time, and prefer my partner do the same.

I'm a playfull... "slutty"... person that doesn't take sex all to seriously.. but out of respect for my partner I don't act out my desires to more than one other person.. and my dear boyfriend doesn't mind since that other person is my girlfriend and sometimes he gets to watch ;)

(edit)
I would have no trouble with him sleeping around.. as long as he'd be honest and tell me about it.. preferrably with details :D

I'm a playfull... "slutty"... person that doesn't take sex all to seriously.. but out of respect for my partner I don't act out my desires to more than one other person.. and my dear boyfriend doesn't mind since that other person is my girlfriend and sometimes he gets to watch ;)

Does he also get to participate?

for me, it depends on the seriousness of the relationship. sex is an emotional connection, as well as a physical one, and i'm jsut more comfortable sharing that with one person at a time, and prefer my partner do the same.
Same here. I have been in an open relationship before but I've noticed that eventually someone gets jealous (the one who wants more from the relationship). I'd say it can work if people just like each other and are not planning to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

In a current relationship: no way.

Does he also get to participate?

Well... not yet.. at least.. not like that with the both of us.. that's something that "never really happens" in real life...

Same here. I have been in an open relationship before but I've noticed that eventually someone gets jealous (the one who wants more from the relationship). I'd say it can work if people just like each other and are not planning to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

In a current relationship: no way.

That's very, very true. Not many people are mature enough to handle a completely open relationship (sometimes even I can't hack it). It's best to discuss it in the early stages of the relationship, and if one of the partners develops a problem with it, to stop immediately.

Well... not yet.. at least.. not like that with the both of us.. that's something that "never really happens" in real life...

That's something that has "never really happened" to me multiple times in my real life, though.

That's very, very true. Not many people are mature enough to handle a completely open relationship (sometimes even I can't hack it). It's best to discuss it in the early stages of the relationship, and if one of the partners develops a problem with it, to stop immediately.
Yes, it's not the brightest idea to wait some time before telling to partner that "honey, I'd really like to have sex with others. You can too. Alright, I'm going out now, see you tomorrow!"

People should discuss about this kind of issues even if they don't want an open relationship because e.g. cheating means such a different things to everyone. For some it's only sex with others for some it's even being flirtatious with strangers.

Yes, it's not the brightest idea to wait some time before telling to partner that "honey, I'd really like to have sex with others. You can too. Alright, I'm going out now, see you tomorrow!"

People should discuss about this kind of issues even if they don't want an open relationship because e.g. cheating means such a different things to everyone. For some it's only sex with others for some it's even being flirtatious with strangers.

Absolutely. Some people might find it distasteful to discuss such matters with someone you've just started seeing, but I think it prevents more problems later on than it creates in the short term. The way I see it, even though it might be a difficult conversation to have in the early goings, it's one less (huge) thing to fight over later on in the relationship.

In a word....

....No.

That's something that has "never really happened" to me multiple times in my real life, though.
Beer, helping ugly people have sex since 1802.










(not saying you're ugly)

Yes.

If the person I'm with has that need, they have that need. If it starts going too far (as it did with my ex with the third guy she was with after she flew back home), then it's time to understand that their relationship is stronger than ours, and move on in regards to such.

Now, I don't -prefer- this. Ultimately, I'd like to just have one person in my arms, who cares about me enough to not need anyone else.

But it's such a trifling matter compared to the other things. I'd also like the woman I spend my life with to be goddamned hot, but I can survive if she's not.

Of course, I've yet to date a not-hot woman, so, heh.

In a word....

....No.
same

Absolutely. Some people might find it distasteful to discuss such matters with someone you've just started seeing, but I think it prevents more problems later on than it creates in the short term. The way I see it, even though it might be a difficult conversation to have in the early goings, it's one less (huge) thing to fight over later on in the relationship.
hmm I wonder how they handle things like "do you have a veneral disease" :D

I wouldn't use those exact words...

I have been in a 'relationship' (it really barely deserves the term TBH) which was totally open, in that we both were with other people as well as each other. But with that one, there was no hint of exclusivity from the start.
Normally, I guess I would say no then. It is something that has crossed my mind and although I can agree to it in theory (with various rules-not in our house, not when we're out together, no more than three times with one person, else it risks becoming a relationship etc) in practise, I couldn't stomach the thought at all.
It's quite strange tho, because intellectually I have no problem with it. 90% of the 'problem with cheating' is the fear that your partner is not happy with you, that you aren't 'satisfying' them, and that they are going to leave you. A real relationship is about more than just the physical side. At the risk of sounding vomit-inducing, my partner is my best friend as well as my lover. So, in theory, if I knew they were coming back, why not. However, the theory and the intellectual side must bow to gut emotions in this instance.

Blessings
Cyber

... At the risk of sounding vomit-inducing, my partner is my best friend as well as my lover. So, in theory, if I knew they were coming back, why not. However, the theory and the intellectual side must bow to gut emotions in this instance.

Blessings
Cyber
Same here. I'd say yes in theory but I know that in my current relationship I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I think that swinging is wrong, no matter what. If you're in a real relationship with someone, why in the world would you want to be with someone else? I only need one person to make me happy, and think that it's odd that people would do such a thing as swinging.

I think that swinging is wrong, no matter what. If you're in a real relationship with someone, why in the world would you want to be with someone else? I only need one person to make me happy, and think that it's odd that people would do such a thing as swinging.

Not that I really condone such a thing either, but you married someone and everything was perfect and hunky-dory except the sex life, you could possibly look elsewhere rather than face disappointment every night.

I think that swinging is wrong, no matter what. If you're in a real relationship with someone, why in the world would you want to be with someone else? I only need one person to make me happy, and think that it's odd that people would do such a thing as swinging.
I guess you've never had sex just for the sake of sex. Some people do that and their ideas of sex, love and relationships can vary from your ideas. Many married couples have group sex.*gasp* We're just all different. I don't think there's nothing odd about it.

. I don't think there's nothing odd about it.

Unless it were my parents. Then it would be a mortal sin :p

OccidentiaPrima']Unless it were my parents. Then it would be a mortal sin :p
So true. But that would be impossible in the first place 'cos my parents don't have sex. *nod*


jk

So true. But that would be impossible in the first place 'cos my parents don't have sex. *nod*


jk
parents never have sex ;)

I guess you've never had sex just for the sake of sex. Some people do that and their ideas of sex, love and relationships can vary from your ideas. Many married couples have group sex.*gasp* We're just all different. I don't think there's nothing odd about it.

Oh goodness, I've had more sex than you can shake a stick at (heh heh). Anyway, I guess that I am just more traditional than others in certain ways. I also believe that people should get married before they have kids. I think that some of the values of "the old days" would be good for people to have now.

But that's just my opinion, and I respect others and like to throw mine out for the masses to see as well.

parents never have sex ;)

Ah, so the stork brought you guys home too? I thought I was the only one.

Oh goodness, I've had more sex than you can shake a stick at (heh heh). Anyway, I guess that I am just more traditional than others in certain ways. I also believe that people should get married before they have kids. I think that some of the values of "the old days" would be good for people to have now.

But that's just my opinion, and I respect others and like to throw mine out for the masses to see as well.
Ok. I agree with you that some traditional values would be needed in today's society. Nobody (=too many) seems to take any responsibility of their actions. mememe/mineminemine/moremoremore is a boring mantra you hear everyday.

theyshould really change the thread to "Is your lover not devoted to you" I mean that is what a relationship is about. Ya i would love to go out and have sex with all the pretty ladies out there, but my devotion is to my Girl friend. If your not devoted enough to surpress your on desires then your relationship is screwed. Sorry ladies.

theyshould really change the thread to "Is your lover not devoted to you" I mean that is what a relationship is about. Ya i would love to go out and have sex with all the pretty ladies out there, but my devotion is to my Girl friend. If your not devoted enough to surpress your on desires then your relationship is screwed. Sorry ladies.

Now I don't think that is necessarily so. And a couple who get involved in swinging or whatever is not necessarily about one of them not being able to supress their desires. What if your girlfriend was fine with you having sex with a few extra pretty ladies. And I mean *really* fine, not pretend fine? Why does sex have to mean *DANGER*?
I know this sounds strange since I wouldn't do it right now, but if circumstances were different, if my cosmopolitan intellect manage to talk round my gut possessiveness, then I would have no problem with it.

Blessings
Cyber

I'm so secure I don't need to approve of swinging to feel secure. In a loving, committed relationship, people shouldn't want to screw around. If they do it's most likely the symptom of a deeper unfulfilled need, and I think that some soul-searching is then in order, rather than coming up with new and innovative ways to put fleshthings in other flesthings.

I myself am not too comfortable with swinging--I'd prefer to have her aaaaalllllllllll to myself :)

I just sure hope that she'd have the patience to do me 24/7 :D (j/k ;) )

OccidentiaPrima']Are you secure enough to be a swinger? You know, have a stable, monagamous relationship emotionally but let your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife have sex with whoever they want?
A friend of mine has this idea that our bodies belong to no one and no one should be able to "possess" us by limiting who we have sex with, even our spouses. Then again, she has also said that ideally, no one should actually own anything and that homosexuals are somehow more evolved (huh?). I think it's a little crazy, and I certainly would want the comfort of knowing that my wife is intimate with only me.
But perhaps I'm not "progressive" enough or just insecure. Would you ever consider it?
not only would i consider it, but every relationship i've ever had has opperated under those rules. the only stipulation is that both parties must notify the other if they are having sex with somebody else, so that increased protective measures can be taken. i also have required the both my partner and i be tested for STDs every 3 months if we are going to be "open."

my current partner and i had an open relationship for over a year, but then he asked to be monogamous. i'm okay with it (frankly, i'm too busy to go scouting for new talent) and he seems happy with it, though i continually remind him that we can go back to being "open" any time he likes.

for me it's just about honesty. if he snuck around and hid the fact that he was with somebody else i would insulted and angry, and would probably break things off. but if he simply told me he was interested in having sex with another person, and was upfront with me, i wouldn't mind, as long as he understood that i would have the same freedom.

it's not my partner's penis that i want to "possess," so it's not his penis that i am possessive of. :)