NationStates Jolt Archive

To Earth, how would you know it was him? I mean, no one is going to believe him. For all you know, my buddy could be Jesus.

We'd have another Waco on our hands.

Two posibilities.

1. Since there have been so many people over the years that said they were Jesus, and turned out to be wacko, no one will believe him.

2. Turns out to be the genuine Son of God. First words: "Damn...You guys fucked up!"

To Earth, how would you know it was him? I mean, no one is going to believe him. For all you know, my buddy could be Jesus.

well tell me, how did we know the first time around? there are somethings you just know and some you will never know

well tell me, how did we know the first time around?
If I remember correctly, many people didn't believe him the first time around.

If I remember correctly, many people didn't believe him the first time around.

but what of those who did?

Am I the son of God? How would I know? Would I float on the top of the water as I got into the bath? Or would I be able to turn Sunday dinner into a feast to feed thousands of people? Or would I have a strange fear of Romans and people called Judas?

If I were Jesus, I wouldn't even bother. An E-mail would suffice. *nod*

If the teachings are right, next time JC comes down it will be Judgment Day, so we'll all know.

If I were Jesus, I wouldn't even bother. An E-mail would suffice. *nod*
It would be filtered as "junk mail."

It would be filtered as "junk mail."

Jesus gets arrested for spamming. :)

"If Jesus came back down... "

He would begin by condeming 99% of all the preachers, evangelists, priests and others who claim to speak in his name.

Jesus gets arrested for spamming. :)
Maybe, but just try keeping him in jail! :D

I am an ardent believer that the second coming of Jesus Christ was locked up in a mental institute somewhere and heavily sedated.

I am an ardent believer that the second coming of Jesus Christ was locked up in a mental institute somewhere and heavily sedated.

Yep. Why waste good timber on that dirty hippie?

Interviewer: Ladies and Gentlemen, we're privileged to have with us a man known around the world as the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ.
Jesus: That's me.

I: How are you, Jesus?
J: Fine, thanks, and let me say it's great to be back.

I: Why, after all this time, have you come back?
J: Mostly nostalgia.

I: Can you tell us a little about the first time you were here?
J: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas. And actually, that always bothered me, because I only got one present. You know, if I was born a couple of months earlier I would've got two presents. But look, I'm not complaining. After all, it's only material goods.

I: There's a story that there were three wise men.
J: Well, there were three kings who showed up. I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look very wise. They said they followed a star. That don't sound wise to me.

I: Didn't they bring gifts?
J: Yes. Gold, frankincense, and I believe, myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You don't happen to know what myrrh is, do you?

I: Well, I believe it's a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.
J: Oh, great. Just what I need. What am I gonna do with a gum resin?I'd rather have the money, that way I could buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn't normally buy for myself.

I: What would that be?
J: Oh, I don't know. A bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. Possibly a bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you realize all the walking I did? I must've crossed Canaan six, eight times. Up and down, north and south, walking and talking, doin' miracles, tellin' stories.

I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
J: Well, leaving out the loaves and the fishes, a total of 107 miracles.

I: Why not the loaves and the fishes?
J: Well, technically that one wasn't a miracle.

I: It wasn't?
J: No, it turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old. And besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.

I: What do you mean? If they weren't miracles, what were they?
J: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometimes people were hallucinatin'. I even used acupressure. That's how I cured most of the blind people, acupressure.

I: So not all of the New Testament is true.
J: Naaah. Some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physician, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.

I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
J: First of all, he wasn't dead, he was hungover. I've told people that.

I: But in the Bible you said he was dead.
J: No! I said he looked dead. I said, "Jeez, Peter, this guy looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus that day before we had been to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine.

I: Ahhh! Was that the wedding feast at Cana, where you changed the water into wine?
J: Not that I know of. One time I turned apple juice into milk, but I don't recall the water and wine.

I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on water? Did that really happen?
J: Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was, I could do it, and the other guys couldn't. They were jealous. Peter got so mad at me he had these special shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walkin' real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yard, badda-boom, down he goes right into the water. He sinks like a rock. That's why I call him Peter. Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church.

I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?
J: They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of them we had.

I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
J: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen. We had Peter, James, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, that's a different James, Thaddeus. How many is that?

I: That's ten.
J: Simon, Judas, and Red.

I: Red?
J: Yeah, Red the Apostle.

I: Red the Apostle doesn't appear in the Bible.
J: Nah, Red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. He was a little strange; he thought the Red Sea was named after him.

I: And what about Judas?
J: Don't get me started on Judas. A completely unpleasant person, okay?

I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, Thomas, was he really a doubter?
J: Believe me, this guy Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin'. He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, "You got and ID?" To this day he doesn't believe I'm God.

I: And are you God?
J: Well, partly. I'm a member of the Trinity.

I: Yes. In fact, you're writing a book about the Trinity.
J: That's right, it's called Three's a Crowd.

I: As I understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.
J: Listen, it's not an attack, okay? It happens I don't get along with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. That's it. What he does is his business.

I: What's the reason?
J: Well, first of all, he's a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin' different. One day he's a dove, another day he's a tongue of fire. Always foolin' around. I don't bother with the guy, I don't wanna know about him, I don't wanna see him, I don't wanna talk to him.

I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?
J: Oh yeah, there's a hell, all right. There's also a heck. It's not as severe as hell, but we've got a heck and a hell.

I: What about purgatory?
J: No, I don't know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.

I: What is limbo like?
J: I don't know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn't be limbo, it would just be another place.

I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?
J: Well, first of all, if I'da known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, I had a little salad and some veal.

I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.
J: Oh yeah, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But I think more than anything else, it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified like that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. It would be a shame to do it for no reason.

I: Were you scared?
J: Oh yeah. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure I would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while I was up there I had a really good view; I could actually see my house. There's always a bright side.

I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.
J: How's that?

I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn't you?
J: Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didn't have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.

I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.
J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldn't see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.

I: And what do you think of Christianity today?
J: Well, I'm a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That's how come he's laughing.

I: You wouldn't want to be a Christian?
J: No, I wouldn't want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if it's me. Buddha's laughing, meanwhile I'm on the cross.

I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?
J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?

I: Are there really angels?
J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you can't get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.

I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?
J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, it's one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.

I: Do you really answer prayers?
J: No. First of all, what with the sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them don't even get through. And between you and me, we just don't have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like I said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just can't keep up.

I: Well, I think we're about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
J: Hey, no sweat.

I: Do you have any words of advice?
J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?

I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
J: Well, I don't know how spiritual it is, but I'd say one thing is don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.
J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.

THE END(written by George Carlin)

If the teachings are right, next time JC comes down it will be Judgment Day, so we'll all know.

Seems to me Judgment Day means the seperation of those who recognize Him and those who don't. Judgment Day would have a spiritual meaning not a physical meaning.

I am an ardent believer that the second coming of Jesus Christ was locked up in a mental institute somewhere and heavily sedated.

What do you find on Carmel today?

35:2 It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice even with joy and singing: the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it, the excellency of Carmel and Sharon, they shall see the glory of the LORD, and the excellency of our God.

(King James Bible, Isaiah)

To Earth, how would you know it was him?

The outfit would give him away. But I would know its JC because he is my dawg. We kewl like that.

To Earth, how would you know it was him? I mean, no one is going to believe him. For all you know, my buddy could be Jesus.

Your buddy could be Jesus because Jesus will have a different name the second time.


2:2 And the Gentiles shall see thy righteousness, and all kings thy glory: and thou shalt be called by a new name, which the mouth of the LORD shall name.

(King James Bible, Isaiah)

He'd prolly whoop our asses, just for fun.

Your buddy could be Jesus because Jesus will have a different name the second time.


2:2 And the Gentiles shall see thy righteousness, and all kings thy glory: and thou shalt be called by a new name, which the mouth of the LORD shall name.

(King James Bible, Isaiah)

His new name is Reggie. Im almost 90% certain.

He'll be godlike at Counterstrike, except one of his twelve good buddies will keep team killing him, right before he defuses the bomb. Course, he'll just respawn :)

He'll be godlike at Counterstrike, except one of his twelve good buddies will keep team killing him, right before he defuses the bomb. Course, he'll just respawn :)

That'll be Judas.

His new name is Reggie. Im almost 90% certain.

I'm about 99% sure you are wrong!

If Jesus came down to earth, he would be in an old school robe and fly around on a cloud with a bright halo in the background, from which lots of light would pour forth. This would also explain his badass sunglasses. And he'd have a knobly wooden stick, and bitch-slap the hell out of all sinners.

*shakes head* I can't believe I just wrote that...

If Jesus came down to earth, he would be in an old school robe and fly around on a cloud with a bright halo in the background, from which lots of light would pour forth. This would also explain his badass sunglasses. And he'd have a knobly wooden stick, and bitch-slap the hell out of all sinners.

*shakes head* I can't believe I just wrote that...

Please see post #18.

I'm about 99% sure you are wrong!

well shoot. i thought i was on to somethin'.

Two posibilities.

1. Since there have been so many people over the years that said they were Jesus, and turned out to be wacko, no one will believe him.

2. Turns out to be the genuine Son of God. First words: "Damn...You guys fucked up!"
rotflmao.
And then we (the jews) kill him again. lol, then the christians just won't ever forgive us :P

That'll be Judas.
No, he gets a new name too.

Please see post #18.

I'm tempted to say, "Right on!", but just making sure, what is the significance of post #18? Sorry, I'm out of it. Information needs to be processed to me in bite-sized, Flesch-Kincaid Grade 2 form at 12:00am.

I've found a loophole in the New Name bit - suppose he is hispanic? Then its pronounced "Hesuus", so one could call it a different name...

I'm tempted to say, "Right on!", but just making sure, what is the significance of post #18? Sorry, I'm out of it. Information needs to be processed to me in bite-sized, Flesch-Kincaid Grade 2 form at 12:00am.

Go to this link and you can see the answer for yourself.

http://bahai.com/thebahais/pg47.htm

Here is another link.

http://www.asergeev.com/pictures/archives/compress/2001/173/05.htm

I've found a loophole in the New Name bit - suppose he is hispanic? Then its pronounced "Hesuus", so one could call it a different name...


That would not be a new name. Just the old name pronounced differently.

That would not be a new name. Just the old name pronounced differently.
So? Maybe God was bored and decided to play with semantics.

Well His name was Yeshua the first time round, for a start.

So? Maybe God was bored and decided to play with semantics.

I think it says a new name. To pronounce the old name differently is not semantics. So to expect the return of the physical Jesus with His old name is not what we should be looking for. Don't you think?

Well His name was Yeshua the first time round, for a start.

So we know that it won't be Yeshua the second time. Right!

And we also know that Sharon and Carmel will see Him. What is on Carmel now?

http://www.asergeev.com/pictures/archives/compress/2001/173/05.htm

35:2 It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice even with joy and singing: the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it, the excellency of Carmel and Sharon, they shall see the glory of the LORD, and the excellency of our God.

Well His name was Yeshua the first time round, for a start.
I though it was Iesus, later respelled Jesus...

The Romans use I for J, as in 'iubeo,' and so on.

But look, it's quite simple. Zoogie is a supremely cool word, yes? ... Can you see the obvious yet?

I though it was Iesus, later respelled Jesus...

Iesus is greek.

If Jesus came back down?


Id find some better nails and put him fucking back!

If Jesus came back down?


Id find some better nails and put him fucking back!
Groan. I suppose it was needed in a thread like this, but even still... groan.

Anikian, I agree with you GROAN loudly.

The Romans use I for J, as in 'iubeo,' and so on.

But look, it's quite simple. Zoogie is a supremely cool word, yes? ... Can you see the obvious yet?

Ok, so I'm pretty slow. Zoogie is a cool word. What is the obvious that I am missing.

Jesus's second name! Gosh, you mortals.

Jesus's second name! Gosh, you mortals.

That's why we are mere mortals are you are Zoogie. And it isn't a second name. It is a new name. The Glory of God.

Jesus's second name! Gosh, you mortals.

his second name is Zoogie? sounds like a hippie hallucination...

his second name is Zoogie? sounds like a hippie hallucination...

See post #33. I gotta go to bed.

See post #33. I gotta go to bed.

eh, at this hour of the night i need links with 10 words or less.

his second name is Zoogie? sounds like a hippie hallucination...

Don't you DARE diss the word 'zoogie' again. Longhair.

Post #33


Go to this link and you can see the answer for yourself.

http://bahai.com/thebahais/pg47.htm

Here is another link.

http://www.asergeev.com/pictures/ar...2001/173/05.htm

Don't you DARE diss the word 'zoogie' again. Longhair.

Post #33

hey no need to get hostile dude...

*disses the word zoogie*

Lo you art all naught but fools, for jesus has already made his prescence felt 'pon this plane for the second time.His coming was hailed by all, and all praised his name, lo, from the west side even unto the other west side, his name rang out in glory... and his name was




Snoopy

Lo you art all naught but fools, for jesus has already made his prescence felt 'pon this plane for the second time.His coming was hailed by all, and all praised his name, lo, from the west side even unto the other west side, his name rang out in glory... and his name was




Snoopy

No, 2 Pac was jesus...