NationStates Jolt Archive

yup. another sex thread. long distance relationship after months of living together=horny me. go figure. anyway. gimme good sex stories. brag if you must, but humor is much preferred. ok? go!

Let's keep 'em clean "dirty little stories", folks.

yeah, sorry frisbee, i forgot to mention. nothing too graphic. we don't need to know measurements. heres a quick one to get started. i once said to my current girlfriend," hey. i need your pants." to which she replied "why?" i owuld have been stumped, had it not been for my massive brain :D so i promptly answered "strategic pants purposes."

Let's keep 'em clean "dirty little stories", folks.
New Sarco... whatever your name is... I don't think I can post, I know you asked me to, but I dn't know any clean dirty stories... none that I'd be able to tell my students, so therefore not clean...

yeah, sorry frisbee, i forgot to mention. nothing too graphic. we don't need to know measurements. heres a quick one to get started. i once said to my current girlfriend," hey. i need your pants." to which she replied "why?" i owuld have been stumped, had it not been for my massive brain :D so i promptly answered "strategic pants purposes."
wtf?!

Once I saw a naked chick. On my computer. Isn't that rad?

wtf?!
don't knock it. that shit worked.

well. i think i'm jsut going to err on the side of impatience, and declare this thread a failure. ah well. can't win em all.

well. i think i'm jsut going to err on the side of impatience, and declare this thread a failure. ah well. can't win em all.

haha you failed.

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka" she gasped.

"Ho Ho" he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."

"Oh Sir", she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."

"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."

"What order are you," the brute demanded.

"Seventeen", replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet", he said.

"Of course no," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".

"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit".

"Never" gasped Polly.

"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

haha you failed. yes. yes i did. but at least my girlfriend affectionately named my penis "Roy."

don't knock it. that shit worked.
she likes you a lot to go for that one...

she likes you a lot to go for that one...
or she's easily distracted. or something.

Once I saw a naked chick. On my computer. Isn't that rad?


There was a naked chick on my computer too! I swear I dont know how she got there. I think someone sneaks into my office at night and looks at weird stuff. I've found several strange things on there.

yes. yes i did. but at least my girlfriend affectionately named my penis "Roy."
i cant say ive had my genitals named

yup. another sex thread. long distance relationship after months of living together=horny me. go figure. anyway. gimme good sex stories. brag if you must, but humor is much preferred. ok? go!

You're on the Internet...

http://www.googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=porn&word2=U2

Porn: 41,400,000 results
Pope John Paul II: 21,100,000 results
U2: 9,170,000 results

Hmmm..... I think you could find stories on your own. ;)

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.
*SNIP*
That is awesome.
If I had a massive amount of free time and patience, I'd try to memorize that.

Lets see.....funny dirty yet clean sex story.....*scans archives*.

Well there was this one time we went to Florida, me and friend and her mom. We had a condo and each of us had separate bedrooms. Well.....my friend hooks up with this guy at a club(while good little Peech was sitting on the balcony watching the waves crash agasint the shore while crying over a recent break-up) and she brought him back to the condo. Her mom was asleep in the downstairs bedroom, our bedrooms were upstairs. So..she and her new found mate went up stairs and rumbled around a bit and the next thing I know, I hear the detailed audio effects of their encounter. I heard it from the balcony, so I walked back inside and it was in stereo all through the condo! Every room I went in, it was blaring loud and clear. Let me emphasize loud.
SO her mom gets up and starts raising hell...I'm trying not to laugh. Turns out they had messed around with the intercom system in the condo and somehow set it so everyone could hear each other no matter what room you were in. They guy was so embarrassed, he grabbed his clothes...well most of them and ran down the stairs and out the door. I went to bed and giggled myself to sleep.

Lesson: always check condo's for intercom systems.

snip
roflmao
that's hilarious. and here i always kind of thought of you as a veritable beacon of chastity and innocence.

roflmao
that's hilarious. and here i always kind of thought of you as a veritable beacon of chastity and innocence.


I am Sancro! I was crying on the balcony while my friend was knockin' boots with some one night stand. I am the poster girl for chastity and innocence. :D

I am Sancro! I was crying on the balcony while my friend was knockin' boots with some one night stand. I am the poster girl for chastity and innocence. :D
oh. i'm...i'm so sorry. that must suck. in the least sexual connotations of that word possible.

Lets see.....funny dirty yet clean sex story.....*scans archives*.

Well there was this one time we went to Florida, me and friend and her mom. We had a condo and each of us had separate bedrooms. Well.....my friend hooks up with this guy at a club(while good little Peech was sitting on the balcony watching the waves crash agasint the shore while crying over a recent break-up) and she brought him back to the condo. Her mom was asleep in the downstairs bedroom, our bedrooms were upstairs. So..she and her new found mate went up stairs and rumbled around a bit and the next thing I know, I hear the detailed audio effects of their encounter. I heard it from the balcony, so I walked back inside and it was in stereo all through the condo! Every room I went in, it was blaring loud and clear. Let me emphasize loud.
SO her mom gets up and starts raising hell...I'm trying not to laugh. Turns out they had messed around with the intercom system in the condo and somehow set it so everyone could hear each other no matter what room you were in. They guy was so embarrassed, he grabbed his clothes...well most of them and ran down the stairs and out the door. I went to bed and giggled myself to sleep.

Lesson: always check condo's for intercom systems.
thats a good one

when i think of one ill post

oh. i'm...i'm so sorry. that must suck. in the least sexual connotations of that word possible.

Yeah I had broken up with my high school sweetheart and there I was in Florida a week later. Talk about crap timing. I didnt even dance with anyone. I think the craziest I got that whole trip was sneaking down to the beach at 3 am and building a sandcastle.....well it was more like a small sand city.

That is awesome.
If I had a massive amount of free time and patience, I'd try to memorize that.

Whelp, at least I know you're not in high school or college. ;)

Yeah I had broken up with my high school sweetheart and there I was in Florida a week later. Talk about crap timing. I didnt even dance with anyone. I think the craziest I got that whole trip was sneaking down to the beach at 3 am and building a sandcastle.....well it was more like a small sand city.
:fluffle:
and i think that's all i can really do for that one. have another. :fluffle:

:fluffle:
and i think that's all i can really do for that one. have another. :fluffle:

Thanks love... :fluffle:

I am still trying to decide on what stories I may or may not be able to post here. Surely I have a PG 13 one somewhere. *thinks*

:fluffle:
and i think that's all i can really do for that one. have another. :fluffle: :fluffle: yep anyone who doesnt go in florida was too depressed. im sorry

Thanks love... :fluffle:

I am still trying to decide on what stories I may or may not be able to post here. Surely I have a PG 13 one somewhere. *thinks*
R is fine. just not x. we don't need this to become another Reject Royalty love fest. all that means is subtlety.

Thanks love... :fluffle:

I am still trying to decide on what stories I may or may not be able to post here. Surely I have a PG 13 one somewhere. *thinks*
of, im searching for something R rated and cant think of any... lol

R is fine. just not x. we don't need this to become another Reject Royalty love fest. all that means is subtlety.
good

of, im searching for something R rated and cant think of any... lol
so write out a good story, and replace all mention of genitals and sexual acts with words like "lollypop" and "loved" as in "i used my lollypop to love him in the ear"

R is fine. just not x. we don't need this to become another Reject Royalty love fest. all that means is subtlety.


:eek: DO you not like the Royalty Rejects? /sadness


OH! There was a guy in school who had finally convinced his gf to "do it" but they didnt have a condom. So he tells her brb and goes looking for someone to bum one from. He has no luck but see's a box of rubber gloves (powdered latex gloves-ick) and decides....."what the hell". He 'makes a condom from this glove.(is that not sad that he was able to do that?) So they do it and all is well...until the ride home. She starts to itch and get really uncomfortable and starts thinking something went wrong. So she goes to school the next Monday and tells her girlfriends how the guy 'gave her something." Turns out the guy didnt give her anything.....she just had a latex allergy. She was unaware of that until this incident. But the guy never recovered from that bad publicity.

so write out a good story, and replace all mention of genitals and sexual acts with words like "lollypop" and "loved" as in "i used my lollypop to love him in the ear"
I think I just lost any innocence that I may have retained up till this points.


and for my story I'll say blankets can cover many things that one can do with somone else when you are being watched by above mentioned persons parents.

so write out a good story, and replace all mention of genitals and sexual acts with words like "lollypop" and "loved" as in "i used my lollypop to love him in the ear"
oh, thats just cheating... ill remember a good r or lower one if you give me overnight

:eek: DO you not like the Royalty Rejects? /sadness


OH! There was a guy in school who had finally convinced his gf to "do it" but they didnt have a condom. So he tells her brb and goes looking for someone to bum one from. He has no luck but see's a box of rubber gloves (powdered latex gloves-ick) and decides....."what the hell". He 'makes a condom from this glove.(is that not sad that he was able to do that?) So they do it and all is well...until the ride home. She starts to itch and get really uncomfortable and starts thinking something went wrong. So she goes to school the next Monday and tells her girlfriends how the guy 'gave her something." Turns out the guy didnt give her anything.....she just had a latex allergy. She was unaware of that until this incident. But the guy never recovered from that bad publicity.
lol

I think I just lost any innocence that I may have retained up till this points.


and for my story I'll say blankets can cover many things that one can do with somone else when you are being watched by above mentioned persons parents.
you've told us the handjob story before... all i can say is skirts cover up real well, too.

:eek: DO you not like the Royalty Rejects? /sadness
--snip--
hilarious. and i have nothing agains the rejects. i am a card carrying member (see sig.) that said, these boards can only really handle one giant freaky orgy.

hilarious. and i have nothing agains the rejects. i am a card carrying member (see sig.) that said, these boards can only really handle one giant freaky orgy.
do i dare ask? yes, i do... what did i miss?

hilarious. and i have nothing agains the rejects. i am a card carrying member (see sig.) that said, these boards can only really handle one giant freaky orgy.


ohhh.....then I hope to see you in the Kazoo more often ;)


*hides saber from this thread*

you've told us the handjob story before... all i can say is skirts cover up real well, too.
you've told us that one, but who cares.

once, after a furious bout of afterschool lovemaking (see how easy that was?) my lady and i trotted downstairs to find not only my mother, but my grandmother sitting in the living room, having been awaiting my arrival. it was kinda funny. in a horrible kind of way.

you've told us that one, but who cares.

once, after a furious bout of afterschool lovemaking (see how easy that was?) my lady and i trotted downstairs to find not only my mother, but my grandmother sitting in the living room, having been awaiting my arrival. it was kinda funny. in a horrible kind of way.
i know thats why i didnt actually tell it... just reminding you.
Oh... you know what's worse. I've proabably told this one, too, though. We were staying in my folks house and we're in the bathroom. We emerge from showering (sort of, well it involved a shower...) and sitting on the john ( :fluffle: )to find my mother, father, her little brother (who is 17), her father, her grandmother and my best friend (yep, that one...)

i know thats why i didnt actually tell it... just reminding you.
Oh... you know what's worse. I've proabably told this one, too, though. We were staying in my folks house and we're in the bathroom. We emerge from showering (sort of, well it involved a shower...) and sitting on the john ( :fluffle: )to find my mother, father, her little brother (who is 17), her father, her grandmother and my best friend (yep, that one...)
see, noone even cares... what was the point?

i know thats why i didnt actually tell it... just reminding you.
Oh... you know what's worse. I've proabably told this one, too, though. We were staying in my folks house and we're in the bathroom. We emerge from showering (sort of, well it involved a shower...) and sitting on the john ( :fluffle: )to find my mother, father, her little brother (who is 17), her father, her grandmother and my best friend (yep, that one...)
aaahhahahahahahahahaha! wow. you win. but of course, you got a very healthy head start on me. i am, after all, 19. i've barely even scratched the surface of embarrassing sexual happenings. this one wasn't embarrassing fo rme (though i think my little shaorn was rather embarassed) but when my father, his boyfriend, sharon and myself went to the gay pride parade in hicago, there were several scantily clad young men walking alond the sides fo the street with buckets full of brightly colored condoms. my father walks over, reaches in and grabs a large handful, and hands them to me. i say thanks and pocket em. i don't like Durex much, but it's the thought that counts.

aaahhahahahahahahahaha! wow. you win. but of course, you got a very healthy head start on me. i am, after all, 19. i've barely even scratched the surface of embarrassing sexual happenings. this one wasn't embarrassing fo rme (though i think my little shaorn was rather embarassed) but when my father, his boyfriend, sharon and myself went to the gay pride parade in hicago, there were several scantily clad young men walking alond the sides fo the street with buckets full of brightly colored condoms. my father walks over, reaches in and grabs a large handful, and hands them to me. i say thanks and pocket em. i don't like Durex much, but it's the thought that counts.
that wouldnt be embarassing just sort of awkward

condoms are so annoying

Adds: but wonderful of course (im a teacher i have to say that) :P

that wouldnt be embarassing just sort of awkward
i was good and amused when i used one of em very shortly afterwards.

last summer my buddies and i took a road trip (we do every summer) we're in a big van and all the seat backs are off so its basically just seats like a king size bed in the back of the van and the windows are big and we pull over to the side of the road one night and sleep right in the van, well a couple of my buddies fell asleep sorta rolled in weird positions and a cop came to the van asking if we were having a gay orgy and he came up with all these laws that didnt seem like real laws prohibiting it and he brought my friend ben (the driver) to the police station to "tell him what happened" though nothing happened and we each got a misdemeaner for public disturbances or some shit like that

i was good and amused when i used one of em very shortly afterwards.
that would have been humourous

last summer my buddies and i took a road trip (we do every summer) we're in a big van and all the seat backs are off so its basically just seats like a king size bed in the back of the van and the windows are big and we pull over to the side of the road one night and sleep right in the van, well a couple of my buddies fell asleep sorta rolled in weird positions and a cop came to the van asking if we were having a gay orgy and he came up with all these laws that didnt seem like real laws prohibiting it and he brought my friend ben (the driver) to the police station to "tell him what happened" though nothing happened and we each got a misdemeaner for public disturbances or some shit like that
that is funny. but we do need more people in here.

that is funny. but we do need more people in here.
ah, yes, alas we do...

give me overnight, ill even talk to my wife and im sure we'll remember some child safe stories that'll entertain you.

give me overnight, ill even talk to my wife and im sure we'll remember some child safe stories that'll entertain you.
k.
in the meantime, i might just let this one rest as long as other generalites do. i'll bump it again later.

k.
in the meantime, i might just let this one rest as long as other generalites do. i'll bump it again later.
alrighty.

an answer for you , nicky. most of mine are XXX rated, but i thought of one i could tell.
kind of recently, i was having sex with a person in my room , and had the door shut. not realizing that my friends still walk in my door and make themselves at home, i was unprepared for the door to open. but i didnt hear it,really, because i was busy. my best friend steve walks in, raises this eyebrow, and says" you are doing that all wrong" and leaves. the guy was like"what?? what is wrong??" and i am like- "i thought it was right!!!!"but the mood was lost, completely, as i heard him and the others laughing insanely in the living room.

an answer for you , nicky. most of mine are XXX rated, but i thought of one i could tell.
kind of recently, i was having sex with a person in my room , and had the door shut. not realizing that my friends still walk in my door and make themselves at home, i was unprepared for the door to open. but i didnt hear it,really, because i was busy. my best friend steve walks in, raises this eyebrow, and says" you are doing that all wrong" and leaves. the guy was like"what?? what is wrong??" and i am like- "i thought it was right!!!!"but the mood was lost, completely, as i heard him and the others laughing insanely in the living room.
its really hard to type when laughing this hard. wow. you win. on a related note. get yo bitch ass online!

There was a naked chick on my computer too! I swear I dont know how she got there. I think someone sneaks into my office at night and looks at weird stuff. I've found several strange things on there.

You've not been leaving on your webcam again have you?


If you have link us in :D

yup. another sex thread. long distance relationship after months of living together=horny me. go figure. anyway. gimme good sex stories. brag if you must, but humor is much preferred. ok? go!
Translation: "Give me something to masturbate to."

Translation: "Give me something to masturbate to."
yeah, pretty much. although mirth is much preferred. the internet already has so much porn.