NationStates Jolt Archive

My lame joke: A guy walks into a doctors office and the doctor says "You need surgery" so the guy says "I'd like a second opinion" and the doctor responds "Ok you're ugly too". :D

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Or is it that lame? I don't know very many lame jokes.

A seal walked into a club

A man comes into the doctors' office.
Doctor: "Are you gonna clean that up yourself?"

Two guys walk into a bar. The second guy turns to the first guy and says, "It's okay. I didn't see it there either."

A sado-masochist and a sadist are having sex:
SM: "Hit me"
Sadist: "No"

your face...

your face...

thats worse than lame...

well here:

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

a fish walks into a bar............................... oh damn

Here's my lame joke:

What happens when you piss off the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy people?

A hostile makeover.

thats worse than lame...
I agree, but I couldn't help myself.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the scarecrow get an award?

Because he was top of his field!!!

A man has a seat in a restaurant, the waiter asks him what he wants, he replies, "I'd like an alligator sandwich and make it snappy."

A skeleton walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "I'd like a beer and a mop."

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a fridge at him.

A horse walks into the bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: "Why the long face?"

Why did the chicken cross the street? Because it wanted to.
Why did the boy cross the street? Because he was trying to get away from Michael Jackson.

A pirate walks into a bar.
Bartender: "Why do you have a steeringwheel in your pants"
Pirate: "Hargh! It's drivin' me nuts"

patient: doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains

doctor: pull yourself together man!

A pirate walks into a bar.
Bartender: "Why do you have a steeringwheel in your pants"
Pirate: "Hargh! It's drivin' me nuts"

lol, thats a good one

whats brown and half eaten

why did the head cross the road?


to get to the body shop

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?
...
That's because he hides well.

whats brown and half eaten
your mom's ass?


:eek:

whats brown and half eaten
the popes easter egg.

gasp LP :eek:

whats brown soft and found in childrens nappies


michael jacksons hand

What's brown and sticky? A stick.
That is the best joke in the world! Still makes me laugh now :p My friends are getting sick of it though.....they would agree that it is a lame joke! :rolleyes:

Two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Bah-Dum Cshh

gasp LP :eek:

Sorry dude. I couldn't help it.

2 priests are talking.
Priest 1: "Do you think we'll live to see the abolishment of the celibacy?"
Priest 2: "I don't think we will. Maybe our kids"

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

Two grains of sand are running through the desert: "Give it up man. We're surrounded"

there was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman. One day the Englishman walked into a hotel and asked for a room, the receptionist replies that all the rooms are full unless he didn't mind sharing, so the Englishman said that sharing was ok and so the receptionist showed him to his room. Once he was in his room he noticed there was a sexy woman sat on the bed naked with her legs wide open, he stared at her in disbelief till she spoke

"you know what I want don't you?" ;)

So the Englishman had his way with the woman and the next day he left. After he'd gone the Scotsman came into the hotel and asked for a room but the hotel was still full so he agreed to share, he got into the room and once again the woman was sat naked on the bed with her legs wide open;

"you know what I want don't you?" ;)

So the Scotsman has his way with the woman that night then leaves. After he'd gone the Irishman comes in for a room but once again is faced with the same problem but agrees to share. So he goes into the room and surprise, surprise the woman is sat on the bed naked with her legs wide open;

"you know what I want don't you?" ;)

so the Irishman replies "yeah, the whole bloody bed to yourself you greedy bitch!"

What do you get if you cross a lake with a leaky boat?
About halfway.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha?
...
Lots of Room

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A geek ends up stranded on a tropical island. He explores and meets a very beautiful woman. She told him that she hasn't touched a man in 5 years. The geeks brags that he has never touched a woman his whole life.
Woman: "I can give you what you want..."
Geek: "What? You mean I can check my e-mail here?"

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, ''Well, I guess we answered THAT question!''

Where does hitler keep his armies?
in his sleevies


Two birds are sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says I smell fish.

I just flew in from Miami...and boy are my arms tired!

(my favorite annoyance as some people know) Why don't they make the entire plane out of the black box!

It's green and if you get it in your eye, it hurts?


A pooltable

what's black and white and red all over?



a newspaper

what do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

doyouthinkhesawus?

Why don't blind people skydive?
...
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

Knock! Knock! Who's there?

Your mom!


Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! :(

patient: doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains

doctor: pull yourself together man!

Heh, that's great.
Here's another

Patient: I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee!

Doctor: Relax man, you're "two tents"

A man visits the doctor:
Man: "Doctor an alligator bit my arm off"
Doctor: "That's what they do"

2 balloons at flying through the desert
"Look out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssss"

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

An italian guy gets kicked out of the hotel screaming
"I just want a sheet on the bed"

(actually, i think this is really funny and not in the slightest bit lame but I'm gonna post it anyway)


A whale is swimming along in the sea with his lady-whale friend when they come across this fishing boat, now Mr Whale recognises this boat as the one that killed his parents when he was just a wee baby whale so Mr Whale comes up with a plan so he turns to his lady-whale friend and says

"we'll swim under the boat, capsize it and all the fishermen will die"

So Ms Whale sighs but agrees to go along with the plan, they swim under the boat, blow water out of their blow holes and capsize the boat. But as they're swimming away Mr Whale turns round and looks back to see all the sailors all swimming to shore, utterly horrified that they're gonna get away with it he comes up with another plan;

"lets go eat the sailors!"

His lady-whale friend is quite annoyed with him by this point so turns to him and says

"look, I went along with the blow job but I refuse to swallow the seamen!!"

(actually, i think this is really funny and not in the slightest bit lame but I'm gonna post it anyway)


A whale is swimming along in the sea with his lady-whale friend when they come across this fishing boat, now Mr Whale recognises this boat as the one that killed his parents when he was just a wee baby whale so Mr Whale comes up with a plan so he turns to his lady-whale friend and says

"we'll swim under the boat, capsize it and all the fishermen will die"

So Ms Whale sighs but agrees to go along with the plan, they swim under the boat, blow water out of their blow holes and capsize the boat. But as they're swimming away Mr Whale turns round and looks back to see all the sailors all swimming to shore, utterly horrified that they're gonna get away with it he comes up with another plan;

"lets go eat the sailors!"

His lady-whale friend is quite annoyed with him by this point so turns to him and says

"look, I went along with the blow job but I refuse to swallow the seamen!!"

:eek: heh.

George Bush was having a meeting with the queen of England. He asked her how she managed to surround herself with such intelligent advisers. 'It's easy,' she replied, 'I ask them a question, and if they get it right, they're intelligent enough for the job.' George is amazed. 'Well, I'd love to see this in action,' he says. So the queen rings up Tony Blair, puts him on the speaker so George can listen, and says: 'hi Tony. If your parents have a child, and that child is not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it?' Tony Blair replies 'it's me, of course.' George is astonished at this test of intelligence. Upon arrival back in the States he calls a meeting with his senior advisers and puts the magic question to Condoleeza Rice: 'hey, Condi. If your parents have a kid and it's not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it?' Condoleeza replies 'it's me, of course.' Bush is furious: 'No, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!'

It's green and a mod?

Kermit the Cog

What's the square root of 69?

8 something.

George Bush was having a meeting with the queen of England. He asked her how she managed to surround herself with such intelligent advisers. 'It's easy,' she replied, 'I ask them a question, and if they get it right, they're intelligent enough for the job.' George is amazed. 'Well, I'd love to see this in action,' he says. So the queen rings up Tony Blair, puts him on the speaker so George can listen, and says: 'hi Tony. If your parents have a child, and that child is not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it?' Tony Blair replies 'it's me, of course.' George is astonished at this test of intelligence. Upon arrival back in the States he calls a meeting with his senior advisers and puts the magic question to Condoleeza Rice: 'hey, Condi. If your parents have a kid and it's not your brother and it's not your sister, who is it?' Condoleeza replies 'it's me, of course.' Bush is furious: 'No, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!'
Nice........

You have no idea how much ammunition you people are providing me with. i bless you and your family lines as well:

So a blonde, a Polish guy, a jew, a lawyer all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them as says "Oh come on. Is this some kinda joke?"

A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt sits down down and the bar and calls the bartender over. "I'll take two beers. One for me and one for the road."

Did you hear about the watchman at the junk yard? He finally realized that waste is a terrible thing to mind.

A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender promptly throws him out saying "We don't serve ropes in here!" The rope twists himself up and frays his ends. He walks back into the bar where the bartender glares at him suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you that good-for-nothing rope I threw out of here a minute ago?" The rope replies "No sir I'm afraid not."

A duck walks into a bar. "ya got any apples" The bartender responds. "No, and we don't serve ducks here. The next day the duck returns to the bar "ya got any apples" once again the bartender responds "We don't have any apples, and we don't serve ducks." The next day the duck again returns to the bar. "Ya got any apples" The bartender, by this time quite perturbed "For the last time, NO. And if you come in and ask for apples again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor" The duck being quite frightened leaves the bar, but showing great persitence returns the next day. "Ya got any nails" The bartender looks at the duck oddly and replies "nope" The duck responds "Good. Ya got any apples"

A man goes to see a doctor for his annual check-up. After a thorough check, the doctor tells him: 'I'm really sorry, there's two bits of bad news for you.' The man braces himself, and the doctor tells him 'well, I'm afraid you've got terminal cancer.' The poor man is devastated, but needs to know the second bit of bad news, so the doctor tells him 'I'm sorry to say, you're suffering from Alzheimer's disease'. 'Oh! Is that all?' says the man, 'well, at least it's not terminal cancer!'

Why didn't the skeleton go to the school dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

*dies*

Back in 1990, the American Government told scientists to find out why the head of the penis is thicker than the shaft. After spending over a million dollars on research over a year, they concluded that the reason was to give men more pleasure during sex.
After the American study was published, the French decided to conduct their own. After spending over two million dollars on research over two year, they concluded that the reason was to give women more pleasure during sex.
Following the publication of the French study, the Polish scientists decided to work on their own. After around two weeks and at a cost of seven dollars, they published their results: the reason was to keep the mens' hands from flying off and whacking them in the head.

http://www.chris.subbot.net/images/jesus_ikea.jpg

Three bits of string decide to go for a pint on Sunday afternoon. The first and second bits of string are in perfect condition, no losse bits of cord, no tangles, nothing. The third on is a right state, fraying ends, and a big knot in the middle. So they walk into the pub, and the barman spots them up at the bar.

He walks up to the first bit of string and says "Are you a bit of string?"

The first bit of string answers "Yeah, I am, why?"

So the barman answers "Sorry mate, we don't serve string in here you'll have to leave"

As the first bit of string leaves the pub, the barman asks the second bit of string, "Are you a bit of string too?"

The second bit looks up sheepishly and says "Yeah. I'll be off then"

Finally, the barman gets to the third bit of string, the frayed piece with the big knot in it. He asks "Are you a bit of string?"

The bit of string turns round and says "No, I'm afraid not"


For those struggling with this, read this as the last bit of speech instead ("No, I'm a frayed knot")

1+1=3.

Five.

1+1=3.

Five.Hey...no one said they had to be comprehensible.

Three bits of string decide to go for a pint on Sunday afternoon. The first and second bits of string are in perfect condition, no losse bits of cord, no tangles, nothing. The third on is a right state, fraying ends, and a big knot in the middle. So they walk into the pub, and the barman spots them up at the bar.

He walks up to the first bit of string and says "Are you a bit of string?"

The first bit of string answers "Yeah, I am, why?"

So the barman answers "Sorry mate, we don't serve string in here you'll have to leave"

As the first bit of string leaves the pub, the barman asks the second bit of string, "Are you a bit of string too?"

The second bit looks up sheepishly and says "Yeah. I'll be off then"

Finally, the barman gets to the third bit of string, the frayed piece with the big knot in it. He asks "Are you a bit of string?"

The bit of string turns round and says "No, I'm afraid not"


For those struggling with this, read this as the last bit of speech instead ("No, I'm a frayed knot")


Cute!

Wanna hear a good knock-knock joke?
OK. You start.
Get it? Ha!

What's better than winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

Somebody watched Pulp Fiction!!!

What did one crow say to the other?


















*Stunned silence*







CAW!

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, "How about a dog?"

The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.

He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"

Q. What does Snoop Doggy Dogg use to clean his clothes?
A. Bleotch


Q: Have you heard about the 12 step program for people who talk too much?
A: It's called "On and On and On Anon".

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii, sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. table tennis team, after its tour of Communist China.


The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Hey...no one said they had to be comprehensible.

Golfer: So seven boomerangs?

Caddie: Yeah.

Pharoah: Fore!

Caddie: How come?

Pharoah: No, binky.

Caddie: You?

Golfer: Accomplishment.

Caddie: Fascist.

Somebody watched Pulp Fiction!!!

yes sir ;)

What do you call a dead person?

Ephermal.

What goes 99-thump, 99-thump?
...
A centipede with a wooden leg.

What do you call a fly with no wings?



*A walk*



What do you call a dog with no legs?



Anything you want he wont come.

How do you build a bomb?

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.

'Ms. Whack,' he says, 'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.'

Patti furrows her brow and asks, 'Well, how much do you want to borrow?'

'$30,000,' the frog says.

The teller writes this down, then asks his name.

'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.'

'Really?' she asks, eyebrow raised.

'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'And I want to use this as collateral.'

'Ummm, okay,' Patti says, accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to ask the owner about this.'

'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.'

Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this' - she holds up the tiny pink elephant - 'as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?'

The owner says: 'It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

3 women were stranded on an island, with 100 miles of sea to the nearest land.

The 1st women swam 30 miles, then got tired and drowned
The 2nd women swam 60 miles, then got tired and drowned
The 3rd women swam 80 miles, got tired and swam all the way back to the island.

What's black white black white black white black white black white?
...
a penguin rolling down the stairs.





Why does E.T. have such big eyes?
...
Beause he saw his phone bill.

Thinks of the lamest joke in the world...George W Bush!

There I win.

Thinks of the lamest joke in the world...George W Bush!

There I win.









NO.





No.

no.

Three best friends who were construction workers were sitting on the metal buldings frame 40 storeys in the air. They were about to have lunch.

The first friend, opened his lunch box, said "Shit Tuna sandwhich again". And decides to jump.
The second friend, opened his lunch box, said "Shit, sardine sandwhich again". And jumps,
The third friend, opened his lunch box, said "Shit, Vegemite sandwhich again!" and follows his friends one way trip to the bottom.

Because they were best friends, their wives decided to have a triple funeral together. At the funeral,

The first wife sobs "If only I knew he didn't like tuna"
The second wife sobs "If only I knew he didn't like sardine"
The third wife sobs "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunches".

A bear walks in to a bar and says, "I'll have a gin...........................................and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear replied, "I dunno. But my father had 'em, too."

A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender yells

"Here's the Fungi..."

(dno"t btheor splel chkinceg)

"Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe."

Deos it wrok wtih sgihltly hdraer to raed psageass?

"To a mdroen mnid, it is ducfifilt to feel ethistnusaic aoubt a vutiorus lfie if nthniog is gniog to be aeehicvd by it. We amrdie a miedacl man who rskis his life in an edpiiemc of puagle, baucsee we tnihk islnels is an eivl, and we hpoe to dsiinimh its fcreuenqy."

-Bnaetrrd Rsuelsl's Eihcts

(dno"t btheor splel chkinceg)

"Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe."

Deos it wrok wtih sgihltly hdraer to raed psageass?

"To a mdroen mnid, it is ducfifilt to feel ethistnusaic aoubt a vutiorus lfie if nthniog is gniog to be aeehicvd by it. We amrdie a miedacl man who rskis his life in an edpiiemc of puagle, baucsee we tnihk islnels is an eivl, and we hpoe to dsiinimh its fcreuenqy."

-Bnaetrrd Rsuelsl's Eihcts
Wow it works

Fris, I hate you. In the most loving way possible

A woman returns home to a horrific sight.
She walks in the door and in the lounge room she sees Wanda on the floor near a puddle of water and shards of broken glass. How did she die??





















Wanda is a goldfish.

your face...
your moma's face

I just flew in from Miami...and boy are my arms tired!

(my favorite annoyance as some people know) Why don't they make the entire plane out of the black box!
I don't have a woman..... and boy are my arms tired!

How do you build a bomb?
man, wtf did yuo post that for? Now the FBI will monitor this thread.

How do you find Times Square?
You have to multiple Times by itself.

My girlfriend and I share the same sense of humour. We have to, she hasn't got one.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a boyzone concert.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a boyzone concert.

See, unlike any other joke in that thread, that made me laugh without the aide of alcohol or mind-altering drugs.

This joke might be lame to some but genious to others.

This man is having erectile problems so he decides to go see his doctor. The doctor tells him, "Well, I am sorry to say that you have a disorder, you only have 30 erections left."
The whole ride home the man is drving slow, looking sad, and thinking. When he gets home he tells his wife the bad news. And she says, "Oh my God...we should make a list." The man looks at her and says, "I did, and you're not on it."

An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Hahahaha

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer

Two lawyers walking down the street pass a "drop dead, gorgeous woman"

Lawyer One: Man, I'd like to screw her!
Lawyer Two: Really? Out of what?

There is Juggling on ESPN! :eek: :confused:

Some Pole Jokes ive heard here
Why dont Polish girls use vibrators?
It chips there teeth! :eek:

My Fav
Q:How many gears does an Italian Tank have?
A:5 4 reverse and 1 forward if attacked from the rear! :p

There are three midgets. They decide they want to set some world records. The first midget looks down at his feet and proclaims "You know what, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world" So he goes and has them measured, and lo and behold, sets a world record for smalles feet on an adult. The second midget is shaking his hand to congratulate him when he realized that his hands are almost nonexsitent, so the second midget goes and gets his hands measured, and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. The third midget, getting desparate for his record reavels a well kept secret "Ya know, I bet I've got the smallest wang in the world" So he goes to get it measured. When he comes out he looks dissapointed and proclaims in a loud voice "Man, who the hell is George Bush?"

I traditionally insert the name of a "friend" in this joke, but for fear of flaming have refrained this time.

okay, this joke only worked well before the vatican re-elected one....

What's brown and half-eaten?
The Popes easter egg

Better when you say it but...

A fish swam into a wall

Damn




(Dam)

See, lame joke :D

Patient: "Every time I drink tea I get this stabbing pain in my right eye!"

Doctor: "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?"

Lame jokes huh...

A man with Crutches at a Church sprinkles some Holy water on his legs and throws his crutches away. An alter boy who sees that runs to tell the Pastor.
"You have truly seen a Miracle... tell me, where is this man?"
"flat on his ass by the fountan, father."

---

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb...
(answer at the end of the list.)

---

Two drunk women went walking home... needing to relieve themselves, they decided to cut accross the Cemetary. one woman, after doing her business, uses her underware and throws it away... the other, not wearing any in the first place, uses a scrap of ribbon she finds nearby.

The next day, their husbands are talking... Jane was drunk again... she came home with no panties on.

that's not so bad, Patty had a ribbon stuck in her ass that said "You will be dearly missed."

---

Two... cuz 3 would be kinky and how they get into the lightbulb is another story...

Two men walk into a bar.

you'd think one of them would have seen it.

Whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch?


A frog in a blender!




okok, that's kind of sick. But then so was my mum when she found the blender..