NationStates Jolt Archive

I have a coworker who brought her son in one day. He had a very visible facial deformity. This was my reaction:

Surprise. Clamp down, no visible reaction on my part. Quick assumptions about level of intelligence, which were discarded immediately as being founded in nothing. A brief wave of sympathy for the boy who has probably had to deal with weird reactions all his life, and for his mom who has no doubt had to work this out in her own mind since his birth (thinking quickly that I have been very lucky with my own children in this respect). Wave of sympathy pushed aside as being unworthy. Would this boy or his mother WANT my sympathy? My pity? Damn me! Then the weird feeling of having an elephant in the kitchen that no one wants to talk about...do I pretend there is nothing strange about his appearance? Is that wrong too? Hide discomfort and uncertainty, talk normally and interact normally, but feeling tense until he left. Cripes...you'd think I'd be more prepared for this sort of thing...

So how do YOU react to people who are different...either physically or other? How do you think you SHOULD react? Is it even possible (or desirable) to not notice differences?

When I see someone who is handicapped or has a deformity, I generally go into "keep mouth shut" mode. I suppose it would be better if I acted naturally around them, but I have issues with not thinking about what I say, so I just go the safe route and try to not look like an ass.

Another issue I have with this is the curiosity of children who have not yet formed social standards. I was on the bus with my daughter (3) and there was a man who had serious burn scarring all over his face. My daughter was fascinated with him, and kept pointing at him and babbling. He made silly faces at her and seemed genuinely happy at her attention, and mine, because I couldn't just sit there and ignore him with my daughter gaping at him. I was happy she wasn't verbal enough to ask, "Why does he look like that?" Maybe the guy would've been happy to explain about fires or whatever...but maybe he wouldn't have been. It's so hard to say. I wish sometimes we could be like kids and point out the differences we damn well DO see without malice or fear, just interest.

When I see someone who is handicapped or has a deformity, I generally go into "keep mouth shut" mode. I suppose it would be better if I acted naturally around them, but I have issues with not thinking about what I say, so I just go the safe route and try to not look like an ass.
What are you keeping your mouth shut about? What WOULD you say if you didn't hush yourself up?

i just sort of carry on as normal, dont treat anybody differently because of what they look like. i suppose ive learnt myself that what people look like is no guide to what person they are, so i just treat everyone i dont know the same. if the person turns out to be an arsehole then ill treat them like i treat every person whos an arsehole, if they turn out to be the nicest person on the planet then ill would treat them as such.

i have a friend who came back from the orthadontist with what looked like a satelitte attached to her head and was shocked when i saw her but when you're in deep conversation or are just having fun one doesn't notice such aesthetic features

What are you keeping your mouth shut about? What WOULD you say if you didn't hush yourself up?

I have no idea, that is the problem. Small talk for me is generally concise and practiced, so when new issues pop into the conversation, I tend to not handle it well.

i just sort of carry on as normal, dont treat anybody differently because of what they look like. i suppose ive learnt myself that what people look like is no guide to what person they are, so i just treat everyone i dont know the same. if the person turns out to be an arsehole then ill treat them like i treat every person whos an arsehole, if they turn out to be the nicest person on the planet then ill would treat them as such.
I think that definitely the 'differences' that get me the most confused are the visible ones. The less visible ones don't usually take me by surprise all that much, or not to the same extent. I just don't know the etiquette. Do you pretend the visible difference doesn't exist? Or do you just refrain from referring to it unless the other person brings it up, or you get to know them well enough to bring it up yourself (if you're curious at all about how it happened that is)? I mean, the last thing people need is every jerk bringing something obvious up like, "You're so tall! You're so short! You're so black! You're so in a wheelchair!" over and over again, but no doubt if everyone just pretends the difference isn't there it would be annoying....I think...

Another issue I have with this is the curiosity of children who have not yet formed social standards. I was on the bus with my daughter (3) and there was a man who had serious burn scarring all over his face. My daughter was fascinated with him, and kept pointing at him and babbling. He made silly faces at her and seemed genuinely happy at her attention, and mine, because I couldn't just sit there and ignore him with my daughter gaping at him. I was happy she wasn't verbal enough to ask, "Why does he look like that?" Maybe the guy would've been happy to explain about fires or whatever...but maybe he wouldn't have been. It's so hard to say. I wish sometimes we could be like kids and point out the differences we damn well DO see without malice or fear, just interest.

Kids will say the damnedest things, eh?

My mom loves to tell stories about me from when i was younger, because I would talk to anyone and everyone. The first story is due to the fact that my mother owned a clothing store for infants and toddlers. This meant that I saw many pregnant women coming in and browsing and eventually must've asked my mother why all the women were fat. She explained it to me (in the types of terms you can explain to a 2-3 year old). Not too long after, there was an overweight (but not pregnant) lady somewhere else and I walked straight up to her and said "I know why your belly is so big - it's because there's a baby in there!" =) Apparently, the lady was *not* amused.

The second instance is even odder, and a little sad. I grew up until I was about four in a suburb of Seattle. The black population there was not very high and I had never really had any interaction with a black family. Upon moving to Savannah, I was apparently fascinated by all the people with dark skin here and, in the middle of a mall, walked right up to a black lady and asked if I could "have a bite of that chocolate". According to the story, the lady was very nice to me and explained that that was just her skin color, while giving my mother looks like "What the hell is wrong with you?"


Anyways, in answer to the 1st question, I try not to stare or focus on it. If the person in question (or their parent) brings it up, I will talk about it. I *try* not to make any assumptions, but we all know how hard that is =)

I have no idea, that is the problem. Small talk for me is generally concise and practiced, so when new issues pop into the conversation, I tend to not handle it well.
Yeah...I mean, I'm not talking here about people you know, because as has been said, those little things tend to disappear from consciousness once you really know a person. But when you bump into someone (literally) on the street, turn to apologize, and are faced with someone with no nose...do you just mumble your apology and hope you didn't have a weird look on your face? 'Cuz that's pretty much what I do.

I think that definitely the 'differences' that get me the most confused are the visible ones. The less visible ones don't usually take me by surprise all that much, or not to the same extent. I just don't know the etiquette. Do you pretend the visible difference doesn't exist? Or do you just refrain from referring to it unless the other person brings it up, or you get to know them well enough to bring it up yourself (if you're curious at all about how it happened that is)? I mean, the last thing people need is every jerk bringing something obvious up like, "You're so tall! You're so short! You're so black! You're so in a wheelchair!" over and over again, but no doubt if everyone just pretends the difference isn't there it would be annoying....I think...
i dont know how i do it really, i suppose in the back of my mind i just manage to not even notice anything physically unusual after the first few seconds of seeing the person (when you cant really help but notice), and after that as far as im concerned the person might be the most unusual looking person in the room

I have a coworker who brought her son in one day. He had a very visible facial deformity. This was my reaction:

Surprise. Clamp down, no visible reaction on my part. Quick assumptions about level of intelligence, which were discarded immediately as being founded in nothing. A brief wave of sympathy for the boy who has probably had to deal with weird reactions all his life, and for his mom who has no doubt had to work this out in her own mind since his birth (thinking quickly that I have been very lucky with my own children in this respect). Wave of sympathy pushed aside as being unworthy. Would this boy or his mother WANT my sympathy? My pity? Damn me! Then the weird feeling of having an elephant in the kitchen that no one wants to talk about...do I pretend there is nothing strange about his appearance? Is that wrong too? Hide discomfort and uncertainty, talk normally and interact normally, but feeling tense until he left. Cripes...you'd think I'd be more prepared for this sort of thing...

So how do YOU react to people who are different...either physically or other? How do you think you SHOULD react? Is it even possible (or desirable) to not notice differences?

I have a sight problem. One of my eyes has a visibly (if you look at it for more than just a glance, I've often had to point it out to people) smaller centre... round... bit... (Sorry; mental blank). You get the occasional copouts, but most people seem to either be cool about it, or don't know what to say.

Myself, I usually get the dodgy thought at first, but I toss that aside immediately.

It's interesting from the other side.

I'm fortunate though. My point of difference is not something you tend to notice on first glance, and I'm blessed with many other talents (some useful, some... not so useful).

Upon moving to Savannah, I was apparently fascinated by all the people with dark skin here and, in the middle of a mall, walked right up to a black lady and asked if I could "have a bite of that chocolate". According to the story, the lady was very nice to me and explained that that was just her skin color, while giving my mother looks like "What the hell is wrong with you?"


That's kind of what I'm worried about...it seems that a lot of people have no understanding of what it's like to be a kid anymore...and they attribute all the behaviour of a child to their parents. To some extent that is valid, but cripes, kids are BORN with personality. They are not little robots we control. And if an issue has never come up, (like different skin colours), how would you BRING it up, and what would be the need until it DID come up? Does that make the parent a racist, or just someone who realises that a 3 year old doesn't have the memory retention to be prewarned about every kind of difference out there?

I have a feeling though that my children are going to force me to reexamine how I interact with strangers (because they are so friendly with everyone), and how I interact in particular with strangers who are different than me.

Yeah...I mean, I'm not talking here about people you know, because as has been said, those little things tend to disappear from consciousness once you really know a person. But when you bump into someone (literally) on the street, turn to apologize, and are faced with someone with no nose...do you just mumble your apology and hope you didn't have a weird look on your face? 'Cuz that's pretty much what I do.

In the case of bumping into someone on the street, I tend to go with an exaggerated gasp of horror, and then scream something about needing some disinfectant.

Im really really shy so everyone gets treated weird.

I have a sight problem. One of my eyes has a visibly (if you look at it for more than just a glance, I've often had to point it out to people) smaller centre... round... bit... (Sorry; mental blank). You get the occasional copouts, but most people seem to either be cool about it, or don't know what to say.


Pupil?

My father in law has a glass eye. It's not a great one, and it looks like his eye is just lazy...well, actually, the OTHER eye looks lazy, and the glass one looks fine. I'm used to it, but I notice that people have a hard time knowing where to look, because we tend to focus on one eye when we look at someone. That's my other issue...where do you look? I try to keep looking at someone's eyes, the way I would with anyone else, and not look at the deformity or whatever, but then I feel like I'm being stupid by NOT looking...that the other person is thinking, "Duh, go ahead and look...I know you want to..."

I just avoid anyone who looks "different" someone who is used to it can be there friend not me but really ugly people I could not understand a point in living

but if there is some environmentalist pacifist going on about how bad humans are I just punch (as you can see I am not a big supporter of free speach)

I just avoid anyone who looks "different" someone who is used to it can be there friend not me but really ugly people I could not understand a point in living


Wow. I'm sure you are incredibly attractive, or you'd be dead by now.

Good example of how ugliness can be on the inside too.

If I can't help but notice the difference, I make a deliberate point of ignoring it and talking to the person as I otherwise would. I don't know if that's the right thing to do, however. For example, my boyfriend is completely blind in his right eye, and it's quite noticeable (or rather would be noticeable the first time someone met him - I don't notice it at all anymore). When he started school, a bloke just came right up to him and said, "what's wrong with your eye?" My boyfriend respected the guy's honesty and lack of bullshitting-about, and the bloke is question is still his best friend over 20 years later.

That's kind of what I'm worried about...it seems that a lot of people have no understanding of what it's like to be a kid anymore...and they attribute all the behaviour of a child to their parents. To some extent that is valid, but cripes, kids are BORN with personality. They are not little robots we control. And if an issue has never come up, (like different skin colours), how would you BRING it up, and what would be the need until it DID come up? Does that make the parent a racist, or just someone who realises that a 3 year old doesn't have the memory retention to be prewarned about every kind of difference out there?

I wouldn't worry about it too much, my mother didn't. Most likely she explained that we had come from a different area of the world. Or maybe she just ignored it. Anyone with kids (or who, like me, has been around them) is going to understand that children say things and are surprised by things that most adults take for granted. Obviously, something like skin color - this lady probably had never even thought about the fact that a little white child might actually have never seen a black person - so we probably both taught each other something that day. It reminds me of the scene in Prince of Thieves, where a little child asks the Moor character "Did God paint you?"

Most people who are good-natured will see it as a kid being a kid. The other people - well, why worry about what they think?

I have a feeling though that my children are going to force me to reexamine how I interact with strangers (because they are so friendly with everyone), and how I interact in particular with strangers who are different than me.

I think it is important to make sure that your children realize that different != bad. There's a great children's book - I think it might be one of the Bernstein Bears book or something - with apples. I haven't seen it in ages - but they use apples to explain the issue. They show how an apple that looks perfect on the outside can be wormy on the inside, but an apple that looks all lumpy on the outside might be really good. ((Why do I remember random children's books LOL))

I usually point, scream, and run away -- dropping whatever I may be carrying. Sometimes I throw things.

I'd probably react much the same way as you did, Sinuhue. I'd try to act as if there was nothing unusual, and just hold a normal conversation. And I'd hope the person didn't feel uneasy or insulted or displeased about it. But I'm assuming - though obviously I can't possibly know - that they would prefer that rather than having people remark on it all the time.

If I can't help but notice the difference, I make a deliberate point of ignoring it and talking to the person as I otherwise would. I don't know if that's the right thing to do, however. For example, my boyfriend is completely blind in his right eye, and it's quite noticeable. When he started school, a bloke just came right up to him and said, "what's wrong with your eye?" My boyfriend respected the guy's honesty and lack of bullshitting-about, and the bloke is question is still his best friend over 20 years later.
Yeah, I'm torn on that. Everything in me screams to be honest...not rude, just honest like, hey, I see you have no arms...what happened? (but only if I care and want to hear the story). I imagine that people with visible differences get sick of those differences being 'ignored' as though they don't exist, and having people tip-toe around them because of it anyway.
Then again, maybe the armless guy is sick of the questions? Hard to know.

depends on the situation

if im passing an odd looking person on the street, i try not to visibly react so the person has the experience of being "just like anyone else". his difference is none of my business

if its an impersonal public kind of thing, say an odd looking clerk, i just go about my business and try to look the person right in the eye as if they were "just like anyone else". i dont look away or flinch i just conduct my business as usual

if its a social situation i wont address a "defect" directly unless it affect the way a person has to conduct himself...the guy without fingers might need a but of understanding when he picks up his tea cup. i dont offer help unless its cleary needed or only polite .... opening the door for the guy in the wheelchair. otherwise i let them take extra time as needed and try to figure out what their preference might be in the help/dont help department.

i wont ask them about their disfigurement but i might ask someone else about it out of their earshot. i might make a slightly funny comment about some aspect if its not too crass to do so. i think it puts people more at ease if you are able to make mild jokes (very mild) it makes it seem more like they are regular people who can be made fun of rather than a freak who can only be pitied.

when its kids, i just treat them like any other kid. yes, pretend that there is nothing odd about him. i dont see anything wrong in asking your coworker what has caused the childs deformity. the only downside is that he might go on and on about it when you just wanted to know the bare facts.

i figure that such people are used to people's involuntary reactions and that they would prefer to be treated "normally" after the initial shock is worn off. after all they are mostly just normal people who have an odd appearance or a handicap that needs to be taken into consideration.

Yeah, I'm torn on that. Everything in me screams to be honest...not rude, just honest like, hey, I see you have no arms...what happened? (but only if I care and want to hear the story). I imagine that people with visible differences get sick of those differences being 'ignored' as though they don't exist, and having people tip-toe around them because of it anyway.
Then again, maybe the armless guy is sick of the questions? Hard to know.Exactly. I knew my boyfriend had a sight problem before we met in person (we chatted online prior to meeting), so I knew to expect it, but had I not known, I wouldn't have known on whether to comment or not, precisely because of the reasons you cite. I suppose it depends on the individual as to whether they want the issue brought up, but again, how do you know what they're thinking if you don't know them? Difficult.

I usually point, scream, and run away -- dropping whatever I may be carrying. Sometimes I throw things.

what if your carrying money?

with my (outer) perfectionist attitude I tend to not be able to compute living with a bad "deal" but if I was able I would have plastic surgery not so much as what other people think but what I think (also having a certain improvement tends to attract the ladies not that I need it)

I went to my archery club for the first time since I was back in England the other week and there was this new boy, thickset but I assumed that was just that. I noticed, however, that other members were constantly encouraging him, and while not stupid it seems he's a little slow. It's fine by me, I doubt I'd seek him out to talk to as I prefer quick banter, there's a boy I'm constantly trading insults with, but if he talked to me I'd happily talk back. I'm not sure what's 'wrong' exactly with him, he hasn't got marks of Downs S....maybe autism...I don't know, but I noticed most of the others when they talk to them put on a 'voice.' The same sort of voice people put on for children. I've never understood that, it's patronising. You might have to alter what you say, simplified words etc. but not how you say it. Kids aren't stupid, they can hear a change in tone between them and our peers. Maybe that's why I often find myself unable to move due to 5yr olds hanging off my legs :rolleyes:

Edit: oh yea, he's at least 18

I have a coworker who brought her son in one day. He had a very visible facial deformity. This was my reaction:

Surprise. Clamp down, no visible reaction on my part. Quick assumptions about level of intelligence, which were discarded immediately as being founded in nothing. A brief wave of sympathy for the boy who has probably had to deal with weird reactions all his life, and for his mom who has no doubt had to work this out in her own mind since his birth (thinking quickly that I have been very lucky with my own children in this respect). Wave of sympathy pushed aside as being unworthy. Would this boy or his mother WANT my sympathy? My pity? Damn me! Then the weird feeling of having an elephant in the kitchen that no one wants to talk about...do I pretend there is nothing strange about his appearance? Is that wrong too? Hide discomfort and uncertainty, talk normally and interact normally, but feeling tense until he left. Cripes...you'd think I'd be more prepared for this sort of thing...

So how do YOU react to people who are different...either physically or other? How do you think you SHOULD react? Is it even possible (or desirable) to not notice differences?

That's a good question. For those of us who feel sympathy/empathy for others (IE, don't point and make fun of people...) I would imagine we'd want to treat the person the same as we would anyone else: with respect.

This of course can seem weird. One thing I would NOT do would be to bring up the deformity with the kid... if he wants to talk about it that's fine but i'm not going to show that it's bothering me, even if it is.

I have a coworker who brought her son in one day. He had a very visible facial deformity. This was my reaction:

Surprise. Clamp down, no visible reaction on my part. Quick assumptions about level of intelligence, which were discarded immediately as being founded in nothing. A brief wave of sympathy for the boy who has probably had to deal with weird reactions all his life, and for his mom who has no doubt had to work this out in her own mind since his birth (thinking quickly that I have been very lucky with my own children in this respect). Wave of sympathy pushed aside as being unworthy. Would this boy or his mother WANT my sympathy? My pity? Damn me! Then the weird feeling of having an elephant in the kitchen that no one wants to talk about...do I pretend there is nothing strange about his appearance? Is that wrong too? Hide discomfort and uncertainty, talk normally and interact normally, but feeling tense until he left. Cripes...you'd think I'd be more prepared for this sort of thing...

So how do YOU react to people who are different...either physically or other? How do you think you SHOULD react? Is it even possible (or desirable) to not notice differences?


Ok, here it is from the horses mouth. I have a facial deformity, Goldenhar Syndrome. What do I want as well as my fellow deformitie? All we want is to be treated like any other person. We don't want your sympthy, we don't want smart ass comments, and we don't want you to stare. To be honest, most of us would just prefer to be left ALONE! All we want is to be able to blend in as much as possible. Thats why I myself has gone through about $2.2 million dollars worth of plastic surgery to get rid of my facial deformity. So, lets recap

DON'TS:
Stare
Ask smart ass questions. You know what don't ask questions period
Sympthy
To be treated diffrently

DO:
Respect our wants to blend in
Respect the fact that we know we look diffrent, we do NOT need to be reminded of this fact.
try to understand that daily we do go through bullshit, so please, just talk to us like we're normal people, because we are.

I have a coworker who brought her son in one day. He had a very visible facial deformity. This was my reaction:

Surprise. Clamp down, no visible reaction on my part. Quick assumptions about level of intelligence, which were discarded immediately as being founded in nothing. A brief wave of sympathy for the boy who has probably had to deal with weird reactions all his life, and for his mom who has no doubt had to work this out in her own mind since his birth (thinking quickly that I have been very lucky with my own children in this respect). Wave of sympathy pushed aside as being unworthy. Would this boy or his mother WANT my sympathy? My pity? Damn me! Then the weird feeling of having an elephant in the kitchen that no one wants to talk about...do I pretend there is nothing strange about his appearance? Is that wrong too? Hide discomfort and uncertainty, talk normally and interact normally, but feeling tense until he left. Cripes...you'd think I'd be more prepared for this sort of thing...

So how do YOU react to people who are different...either physically or other? How do you think you SHOULD react? Is it even possible (or desirable) to not notice differences?


Too much complexity.. Making me use the few remaining brain cells I have left. Too painful... Fuck it, just kill the deformed gimp... I will think of an excuse later.

I hope some of you can appreciate the multi tiered sarcasm. For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about.... here is 5cents, putting a plastic bag over your head is a quick way to heaven.

Um... I treat them like I do anyone else...
I mean, you can't help but notice something different, but so what? Your entire impression of a person shouldn't be formed by their appearance.

Or whatever. I'm tired.

I have a coworker who brought her son in one day. He had a very visible facial deformity. This was my reaction:

Surprise. Clamp down, no visible reaction on my part. Quick assumptions about level of intelligence, which were discarded immediately as being founded in nothing. A brief wave of sympathy for the boy who has probably had to deal with weird reactions all his life, and for his mom who has no doubt had to work this out in her own mind since his birth (thinking quickly that I have been very lucky with my own children in this respect). Wave of sympathy pushed aside as being unworthy. Would this boy or his mother WANT my sympathy? My pity? Damn me! Then the weird feeling of having an elephant in the kitchen that no one wants to talk about...do I pretend there is nothing strange about his appearance? Is that wrong too? Hide discomfort and uncertainty, talk normally and interact normally, but feeling tense until he left. Cripes...you'd think I'd be more prepared for this sort of thing...

So how do YOU react to people who are different...either physically or other? How do you think you SHOULD react? Is it even possible (or desirable) to not notice differences?

I think the difference between well adjusted people and sociopathic people is the ability to recognize our perfectly normal irrational thoughts regarding the differences between people as irrational thoughts. The ability to dismiss absurdity is an important part of a healthy mind.

I think the question we all really need to ask ourselves is, how do we react to people who are exactly the same?

Do you mean people in a singular, yet collective way, or two people who are EXACTLY THE SAME in some kind of freakish scenario? In case one... what are they the same as? If everyone is unique in some way... then who could they possibly be the same as? In case two, probably alert the correct authorities.

*nothing going on here.
neuralyses*

I think the question we all really need to ask ourselves is, how do we react to people who are exactly the same?

I'm pretty sure I would be scared.

I think the question we all really need to ask ourselves is, how do we react to people who are exactly the same?
I scream and head for the hills.

Eat them, obviously.

I usually don't react as if there is something different about them. I honestly don't notice it, but everyonce in a while I do see something that is very out of the ordinary and am curious about it, but unless I know them fairly well I ignore it.

I usually don't react as if there is something different about them. I honestly don't notice it, but everyonce in a while I do see something that is very out of the ordinary and am curious about it, but unless I know them fairly well I ignore it.

Same here. Well, except for those old people with the giant goiders. Those really freak me out...

I think the question we all really need to ask ourselves is, how do we react to people who are exactly the same?
I once dated a twin. It's amazing how after a while you can tell the difference between them, hell after a while I could even tell the difference between their voices.

You guys really need to get out more.

Treat a person with a handicap like you'd treat anyone else. They'll ask for help if they need it, and unless it's contagious, a person's medical condition isn't anyone else's business.

:rolleyes:

I point and yell, "Oh dear god, get those savages away!"

You guys really need to get out more.

Treat a person with a handicap like you'd treat anyone else. They'll ask for help if they need it, and unless it's contagious, a person's medical condition isn't anyone else's business.

:rolleyes:

I think that part of the focus of the discussion is that whilst most of us are capable of doing just that, there's obviously going to be a part of our brain that sits up, takes notice, and prejudges, to a greater or lesser extent. I believe someone who says they take no notice whatsoever is lying. But I do believe that people can easily knock aside such preconceptions if they choose to and it hasn't been beaten into their head for their entire upbringing.

oh no.... I fluffed my explanation. See Lunatic Goofballs answer and just slap it right over mine. its WAY better.