NationStates Jolt Archive

I was just wondering how many of you guy's have a "step-dad or step-mom" or a parent that has a 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend'?
How many have lost a parent?
The reason I ask is this, tomorrow a man will walk into my house and eat my food, sit in my chair, suck in my damn air, and pollut the good air with the noise that is his voice. Thats right, tomorrow my mom's "boyfriend" is comming to dinner and she wants me to meet him, I am still fighting the urge to kill this man with an axe or my WWII flare-gun that my grandfather gave me or something.
You cant get more then 16 years for murder in my country so i'll still be young when I get out. :D No, but really I have the urge to give him a beating.
So, how did you handle it when you met your step dad and/or mom.

Me, I feel a sence of duty to my father who past away a few years ago but I have not met a person yet that knows what I mean. Does any one here know what I mean? It's like I am the only person still loyal to him.
The people that knew him the longest i.e. his brothers and sisters all have given their "blessing" but my grandpa is kind of like me.
My father was a good man, hard worker, loved his family and was everything to all of us, thats why I don't understand how she can go from him to some other person.

I don't have any real advice for you, but I do have a couple of questions:

Is it fair for your mom to be lonely for the rest of her life? To have a great, empty hole where once she had love and support? Is it fair to her children to bring them up without a father figure? We often hear of the disadvantages of single motherhood.

I'm sure she misses your dad very much, probably more than you or I could ever understand. Her meeting someone new does not diminish that.

You'd rather your mother be single for the rest of her life when she clearly wants companionship? If she's capable of loving again and she loves the man she won't take kindly to you beating him up. I think your feelings are very selfish.

How long ago was it that he passed away? I lost my father 6 months ago, and I do feel the same way with the "loyalty" bit, but not with reference to my mother (they had been divorced for some 9 years prior).

Anyhow, I was not a big fan of my step-father up front as he is 26 years older than my mother. My father's girlfriend of 5 years, on the other hand, I liked quite well when he was still able to make some time for me in his life as well.

You have to understand, however, that your mother needs to be happy again. I have, in ways, adopted some older male authority figures as father-type figures. It's not replacement, it's just filling a void. He will always be special to her, you know that. But she needs to move on with her life, and more likely than not, he'd have wanted that.

Is there another reason you don't like this guy in particular?

I don't have any real advice for you, but I do have a couple of questions:

Is it fair for your mom to be lonely for the rest of her life? To have a great, empty hole where once she had love and support? Is it fair to her children to bring them up without a father figure? We often hear of the disadvantages of single motherhood.

I'm sure she misses your dad very much, probably more than you or I could ever understand. Her meeting someone new does not diminish that.

She can do what she wants, she is 46 years old. That was never the real problem for me, the problem is that this man is coming into my house.
I would rather die a million deaths by the hands of Satan then let him be a "father figure" to me. My father is my father figure still and will allways be so.
We have talked about this, me and my mom that is, and I have made it very clear that if something like this should ever happen then I would never let my unborn children meet her "partner", never be in the same house as him, never invite him to dinner, never let him come to family events on my father family side etc. I know it is harsh but those are my terms. She can do what she wants I really dont care but if he ever brakes any of my rules then there will be hell to pay.

If it's your house, fine. But I'm sure she has her own house.
I didn't get along with my step-mother, but looking back I can see she tried hard to be a good parent to me.

*snip*

I can understand your feelings, but give it some more thought.

1. Not your house, your food, your chair -- I bet they all belong to your mom.

2. Would your father have wanted your mother to be alone? Or would he want her to be happy? I bet the latter.

3. Is this really about your father or about you?

4. I bet your mother and his brothers and sisters loved your father very much. I'm sure your mother loved him -- loves him -- as much as you do. Do you plan on spending the rest of your life alone in homage to your father? Why should your mother?

5. Maybe having your mother happy can help you move on. People die. We aren't as bad as goldfish, but we die. If the living owe a duty to the dead, it is to carry on. It has been several years. Never forget your dad. You will never get over his loss. But you can move on with your own life. And your mother has a right to do the same.

6. You have a chance to expand your life by meeting and learning from a new person. Don't view it as a negative. It's a good thing. Now, some people are assholes. Your mom showed good judgment before -- perhaps you should trust her. If you think she is wrong, discuss it with her. But be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

Good luck and best wishes.

You'd rather your mother be single for the rest of her life when she clearly wants companionship? If she's capable of loving again and she loves the man she won't take kindly to you beating him up. I think your feelings are very selfish.
I never said that she couldnt have a "boyfriend". In fact I have told her that she caqn do anything she wants, she is 46 years old and free. Allways has been.
On the other hand I have made rules in regards to me meeting him andbeeing in the same area as him. Those rules only limit the contact we will have, this guy and me that is, I wont be in the same place as him nor will I allow him to invade my fathers family side by coming to gatherings and such.

She can do what she wants, she is 46 years old. That was never the real problem for me, the problem is that this man is coming into my house.
I would rather die a million deaths by the hands of Satan then let him be a "father figure" to me. My father is my father figure still and will allways be so.
We have talked about this, me and my mom that is, and I have made it very clear that if something like this should ever happen then I would never let my unborn children meet her "partner", never be in the same house as him, never invite him to dinner, never let him come to family events on my father family side etc. I know it is harsh but those are my terms. She can do what she wants I really dont care but if he ever brakes any of my rules then there will be hell to pay.

That does seem a little harsh. Is your mom trying to get you to call him 'dad' or something, or do you have a personal dislike for this individual in particular?

as a person with a step father, i'll tell you this, in the nicest way i know how.

get over it. why is it your problem/business what your mother does. she has a life outside of you, and you should respect that. now dont get me wrong, if the guys genuinly a prick, then act up all you'd like. but if he is decent, and your mother really likes him, just let it be. obviously your mother loves you, as shes wanting to share this guy with you.

again, im not trying to be a dick, just give the guy a chance.

How long ago was it that he passed away? I lost my father 6 months ago, and I do feel the same way with the "loyalty" bit, but not with reference to my mother (they had been divorced for some 9 years prior).


Is there another reason you don't like this guy in particular?
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father when I was 16, that was 41/2 years ago.

I dont like him because he knew my father and is friends with my uncle and aunt. Just isnt right.

I'm sorry you lost your Dad, I know how hard that is.

But surely, if you care about your mother (which I'm sure you do and your father did), all that should matter is whether or not he's good to her and makes her happy. If so, it sounds like she's incredibly lucky to find two men in her lifetime that can do so. Plenty of people never find anyone.

You should be happy for her, rather than acting like a selfish git.

1. Not your house, your food, your chair -- I bet they all belong to your mom.
cuss it with her. But be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

Good luck and best wishes.

Do you have any idea how much it costs to live here? One job does not pay, thats why I work and give her half of everything I earn.

I have no problem with her seeing him, I just dont like the idea of her forcing me to meet him. By forcing I mean she uses the I gave birth to you card wont you please meet him? He knew my father, knows my uncle and aunt, It just doesnt seem right to me.
SHE CAN DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS. I WILL NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF HER HAPPYNESS. NEVER!!

SHE CAN DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS. I WILL NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF HER HAPPYNESS. NEVER!!

and she wants you to meet him. it makes her happy.

really, its great that your mother wants you two to meet. that means she is trying to share important things in her life with you. shes trying to find some compainionship while keeping you happy as well. i, for one, applaud the job shes doing. you dont have to be his best friend, just meet him. say hello to him. shake his hand even.

trust me, you would rather know the guy then have a parent keep it a secret. thats the last thing you would want, and i can tell you that from experience.

Okay, how am I selfish?????

I never said that she cant see someone else.
All I want is for her to be happy for the rest of her life.

I dont like THIS GUY because he kne my father, knows my uncle and aunt etc. It just does notseem right to me.
I was angry in my first few posts because this is the first place I just let it out in like a month.

I have no problem with her seeing him, I just dont like the idea of her forcing me to meet him. By forcing I mean she uses the I gave birth to you card wont you please meet him? He knew my father, knows my uncle and aunt, It just doesnt seem right to me.


Ah, I get it. You don't like him/trust him because he was your father's friend before, and now, by doing this, it's like he his acting disrespectfully towards his own memory of his friend - your father - so you don't really trust/like him.

Fair 'nuff. Though I would mention that you maybe don't know whether or not your father would be okay with this. (Unless you discussed it with him.)

Ah, I get it. You don't like him/trust him because he was your father's friend before, and now, by doing this, it's like he his acting disrespectfully towards his own memory of his friend - your father - so you don't really trust/like him.

Fair 'nuff. Though I would mention that you maybe don't know whether or not your father would be okay with this. (Unless you discussed it with him.)

Thank You :) , I need to study English better, I didnt find the right words,

You are 110% right.

Okay, how am I selfish?????

I never said that she cant see someone else.
All I want is for her to be happy for the rest of her life.

I dont like THIS GUY because he kne my father, knows my uncle and aunt etc. It just does notseem right to me.
I was angry in my first few posts because this is the first place I just let it out in like a month.

I am very glad you are venting your anger here where it causes no harm.

But it appears that your mother wishes to share her life with you and her boyfriend. That is what would make her happy. Perhaps you cannot abide her wishes -- but they are not unreasonable and should not be rejected out of hand.

If this man was a friend of your father and his siblings, it seems he approved of him. That your mother likes him is consistent with this. Seems to make it more, not less "right."

Did you know this man before?

Again, I can fully understand your grief and frustration. But it seems that blaming your mother's boyfriend is a little too easy. You need to move on and not judge things in terms of what is right and wrong for your father. He is gone. That is sad. But true. And you do not know how he would feel.

I think I and others are not trying to dismiss your feelings or criticize you. We are trying to get you to think about this in better ways. To help you.

We may be wrong. But I think our response is what you asked for.

But, please, feel free to express your feelings here. That is very healthy.

My experience: My father died on New Year's day, 2003. My mother re-married in March of 2004 to a man that we had known for over 30 years and had been my father's "right hand man" in his job over 30 years ago. While we had "kept up" with him over the years, we hadn't actually seen him for almost 20 years when he came to my dad's funeral. After he married my mom, they sold her house and moved from Louisiana to Georgia (I live in Arkansas). So, not only did my dad's former, most trusted friend, marry my mom, he "took her away" from her family (her only sister lives in Dallas and my brother and I, her only children, live in Arkansas). Sucks! Right? Wrong!!

I know this man. I've known him for years. His kids from his former wife were some of my best friends as a child - now we're brothers and sisters. My mom is happy, safe, content and secure. She is being loved and cared for by a man she knows and we know. My kids have new cousins to visit and correspond with and talk to on the phone. Sure, I wish my dad hadn't died. Sure, I wish my mom hadn't moved so far away when he did. However, I know she is happy now. I know she isn't crying over my father anymore. I know she has love and a host of new children and grandchildren to love. I owe her my life (I mean, she did carry me for 9 months and care for me until I became an adult). I'm not going to begrudge her being happy. She loved my dad. But his time came. I can't stay stuck in mourning for my father. Why should she. Neither of us will ever forget him or stop loving him. But that doesn't mean we are "stuck" in a never ending mobeus loop of sorrow.

Hasn't your mom been punished enough? She lost her life mate like you lost your father. Must she now lose her child as well?

My parents divorced and my mother re-married when I was about 14. My step-father is every bit a "father" to me as the man who technically carries that title. My biological father is a great man, worked hard all of his life to provide us with a good home, raised us as best he could. He and I are closer as adults than we ever were. (He also has re-married, and his wife is great) That being said, I have a wonderful relationship with my step-father as well. His support over the years has been positive force in my life. My mother passed away 9 years ago, yet he remains an important part of my world. As a matter of fact he is re-married (a step-step?) and I spend as much time with him and his wife as time and distance allows. I feel that in no way does the one relationship diminish the other. Nor does my relationship with his new wife take anything away from the memory of my mother.

My point is if this new man in your mothers life is smart he will try to develop his own relationship with you, and understand that he can never take the place of your father. My advice is to give the man a chance, maybe it will be the best thing for all of you. If he turns out to be a complete wanker, or an evil SOB you can always put "plan B" into action.

Good luck with it all.

I am very glad you are venting your anger here where it causes no harm.

But it appears that your mother wishes to share her life with you and her boyfriend. That is what would make her happy. Perhaps you cannot abide her wishes -- but they are not unreasonable and should not be rejected out of hand.

If this man was a friend of your father and his siblings, it seems he approved of him. That your mother likes him is consistent with this. Seems to make it more, not less "right."

Did you know this man before?

Again, I can fully understand your grief and frustration. But it seems that blaming your mother's boyfriend is a little too easy. You need to move on and not judge things in terms of what is right and wrong for your father. He is gone. That is sad. But true. And you do not know how he would feel.

I think I and others are not trying to dismiss your feelings or criticize you. We are trying to get you to think about this in better ways. To help you.

We may be wrong. But I think our response is what you asked for.

But, please, feel free to express your feelings here. That is very healthy.

Thank You and all of you for your help, yes this is what I wanted to hear. It's like a wake up call in a way. I like that you all spoke your minds but the "selfish git" (Thats bad, right?) part could have been avoided.
Thank you Lacadaemon, The Cat Tribe, Vehrea Laidun and Norleans and all the others.

I wish you well NI. It is a hard thing to lose a parent you love and respect. Try to remember, this new man is not meant to "replace" your father. No one can do that.

In most things, the more one gives, the less one has. With love, the opposite is true. It's the most wonderful thing about the human heart.

Your mother's feelings for this man in no way change the love she had for her husband, your father, or you. Try to remember though, she's not just your mom, she's also a person in her own right.

My mother died before my father did, so I do have some experience with this type of situation. One of the most unsettling things about the death of a family member is the unexpected changes essentially forced on us. The family is never the same and that can be tough to accept.

Try to be flexible. As The Cat Tribe pointed out, the fact that your extended family and father already knew and were friends with this person is a good thing. Who knows, he could turn out to be a good friend to you.

You have my sympathy for the loss of your father.

Ha HA Polluting you air!

Here's my own experience on this: my parents separated in late 1998, and my mother immediately moved in with another guy. Myself and my three younger brothers have been living 2 weeks at a time with each parent since then. My father has recently re-partnered as well, and she's moved in, along with her son.

My attitude from day one with both has been that "as long as they make mum/dad happy, I'm happy" Both partners are decent people, and both of my parents are happy. Myself and my younger siblings are not mistreated in any way, and we all get along. Most importantly, neither partner has attempted to replace my parent.

I'm not going to tell anyone what to think, just sharing my own experiences.

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father when I was 16, that was 41/2 years ago.

I dont like him because he knew my father and is friends with my uncle and aunt. Just isnt right.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, too. My parents got divorced when I was that age, and my mom went on to find other men. You know what? I didn't think it was right - I thought my mom was an adult and could do what she wanted - and these men sat down at Thanksgiving dinner, etc.

And no, I didn't call them Dad. But I didn't get all worked up about it, either.

And in my adult life, I've been divorced - but my daughter loves her stepmother far more than her original mother. And calls her Mom.

Not something I forced, or asked for. It just turned out that way.

Instead of being defensive, and getting all worked up in advance, take a step back. You're going to be on this planet for a long time, and getting upset with the people closest to you is the last thing you want to do.

I'm not saying to give the guy a chance to be your father - just give him a chance to be a part of the family. You don't have to call him Dad.

NI, you should talk to a councillor. s/he can help you deal with your grief and anger. there is more to this than your mom introducing you to her boyfriend. you have very complex feelings right now and a professional can help you sort them out.