NationStates Jolt Archive


Politics For Beginners!

Mauiwowee
14-04-2005, 06:20
This is also posted in International Incidents. Thought I might get a few more replies in the General thread so I'm re-posting it

Ok, this is a thread that presents a simplistic, humorous, but somewhat accurate view of different political/economic/social models. I'm including in the list some Earth V nations as well (where I do most of my RP's). This is called "The Two Cows" approach - some of you, maybe all of you, have heard of or read some of this. Additional suggestions for inclusion are fine - In fact feel free to describe your nation or someone elses (but no mean spirited stuff, this is all in fun) ;)
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GOVERNMENT/POLITICAL MODELS

1. Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all get as much milk as you need.

2. Communism -- African: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives you spoiled milk. You take the spoiled milk, mix it with blood and urine from your other cow, make booze and get drunk. You give the other cow away as a dowery gift.

3. Communism -- Cambodian: You have two cows. The government shoots you.

4. Communism -- Chinese Cultural Revolution: You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs", and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. You and your neighbors starve.

A) Communism -- Modern Chinese #1: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald’s, copies its techniques and opens a line of counterfeit restaurants selling pork burgers.

B) Communism -- Modern Chinese #2: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you steal some of it back (before someone else does) and sell it on the black market in Hong Kong. The government commends your efforts to improve the local economy, takes your cows and sells them to McDonald’s.

5. Communism -- Cuban: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen milk since 1965.

A) Communism: -- Cuban #1: You have two cows. Fidel imports hay, at a reduced cost, from Russia to feed them, charges you full price for the hay, takes the milk, gives it to his best buddies and rewards you for your milk production with a box of cigars.

B) Communism – Cuban #2: You have two cows, they sail to Miami.

6. Communism -- North Korean: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells them on the international black market for weapons grade uranium. You nearly starve. The government then offers the world not to nuke it if the international community provides aid for its starving citizens.

7. Communism – Soviet: You have two cows. The government puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows, pays chicken farmers to care for them and sends you to a gulag for not buying as much milk as regulations say you need.

8. Pure Socialism: The government has two cows. It pays you a fair wage to care for them and sells you the milk for a fair price.

9. Socialism – “Nanny State:” You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your cowless neighbor. You both care for them and get all the milk the government says you need from your respective cows. The government buys the excess at a government established fair market price and distributes it freely to the poor.

10. Socialism – EU style: You have two cows. You go on strike because the government doesn’t pay you enough to milk them. The government pays you strike wages, hires striking railroad workers to milk the cows and gives striking postal workers the milk at reduced cost.

11. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors vote on what to do with the milk.

12. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors elect a leader who tells you what to do with the milk.

13. Democracy – British: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains. They go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

14. Democracy – Floridian: You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't figure out how to vote in the first place. You learn what a “chad” is. White cow supporters declare that all those who didn’t vote or who voted for both or who couldn’t figure out how to vote really meant to vote for the white cow. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide the black cow is your favorite.

15. Democracy – South African: You have two cows. One is hijacked and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.

16. Democracy – Canadian: The government gives your two cows to natives with treaty status and subsidizes your milk production attempts.

17. Democracy -- United States #1: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". You never get your cows.

A) Democracy – United States #2: You have two cows that your parents gave you. The government takes one of them for inheritance taxes. Your job provides you with 1 new cow every month, but once a year, the government takes away 6 of them. The other 6 die within a year due to over milking. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually you retire and the government provides you with half a cow every month so you don’t starve. Each month you choose whether to eat your ½ cow or sell it to buy the medicine you need to stay alive.

B) Democracy – United States #3: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to pay the taxes. The government sends your tax money and one cow to a man in a foreign country that you’ve never heard of. The other cow is used to provide free milk for unemployed, unwed, crack-whore mothers of 6.

C) Democracy – United States #4: You have two cows. Your neighbors elect someone to tell you who gets the milk. Your neighbors buy Japanese milk that is of better quality and the government pays you a subsidy. You hire illegal aliens to milk your cows for you so you can compete with the Japanese. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports. The government grants citizenship to your hired help.

18. 1984ism – You have two cows. The government takes them and arrests you for believing in milk. You love the government.

19. Pure Theocracy: You have two cows. You do with them whatever your government tells you the ruling religion has declared is the will of its god(s).

A) Theocracy – Southern Baptist: You have two cows. They’re not allowed to dance.

B) Theocracy – Catholic: You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession. Your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.

C) Theocracy – Jewish: You have two cows. You get the U.N. to support you and take Palestinian land to graze them on.

D) Theocracy – Muslim Fanaticism: You have two cows. You strap bombs to their bodies and send them in to blow up things. You blame the great Satan, America, for the lack of cows by Muslims.

E) Theocracy – Muslimism (general): You have two cows. You give them to the families of those Muslims whose cows have exploded.

F) Theocracy – Hinduism: You have two cows. You worship them.

G) Theocracy – Methodistism: You have two cows. You worry if that is fair. You milk them anyway.

20. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them, drafts you and shoots your family.

21. Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and declares you never had cows to begin with. You are imprisoned.

22. Feudalism: Your Lord has two cows. You care for them. He takes the milk as rent for the house he lets you live in.

23. Monty Pythonism: You’re part of an autonomous collective which elects a sort of executive officer of the week who decides who gets the cows. You’re always on about being repressed and the violence inherent in the system. You worry about being “put away” because some watery tart lobbed a scimitar at you.

24. United Nationsism: You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. The world sends you aid. The son of the U.N. General Secretary diverts that aid to his own pocket. You starve. The U.N. commissions an internal study of what went wrong.

25. Monarchy: You have two cows. You give half your milk to the king/queen who waves at you during a parade. Parliament takes the rest of the milk.

26. Pure Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government regulates what you can feed them, when you can milk them and who can buy the milk. It then takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. It then gives the cow to your neighbor and requires you to fill out forms in triplicate accounting for 5 missing cows.

A) Bureaucracy -- United States: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.

B) Bureaucracy -- European Union: You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit per EU regulations).

C) Bureaucracy -- British: You have two cows. One has mad cow disease. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear", and then declare that the mad cow disease epidemic has been remedied.

D) Bureaucracy -- Indian: You have two cows, but, since your worship the cows and have declared them to be holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers and they fill your streets with shit. You starve, and the pacifist ruling monks are satisfied.

27. Anarchism: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbors's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbors try to steal the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

28. Pure Libertarianism: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

A) Libertarianism - American: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

B) Socialist Libertarianism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Both of you let the cows do what they want.

29. American Democrats: You have two cows. Your neighbors have none. You feel guilty about that. You sell the milk for as much as you can get and donate 10% of the net profits of the milk sales to a foundation which raises money for new age artists in New York City. You feel righteous.

30. American Republicans: You have two cows. Your neighbors have none. So what, they should get a job.

31. Companionate-Conservatism: You have two cows. Your neighbors have none. You hire your neighbors to care for the cows and get a government grant to subsidize their wages. You sell the milk to your workers for exactly what their take home pay is and pocket the profit. The government commends you for your jobs program for the working poor. You feel righteous.

32. Green Partyism: You have 2 cows. You make them wear methane absorption units on their butts.

ECONOMIC/BUSINESS MODELS

1. Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull and increase the size of your herd.

A) Capitalism - Canadian: You have two cows. The bank forecloses on both of them, shoots one, and throws away the milk. You shoot yourself.

B) Capitalism - Enron style: You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using Letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor with no Balance Sheet provided. A press release announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (Cows on Web). Meanwhile, the original two cows get mad cow disease and are destroyed by meat inspectors. The auditors are indicted for fraud. You declare bankruptcy and plead guilty to tax fraud and pay 2% of your income for the past 6 months as a fine and back taxes. You serve 6 months in a country club prison and retire to the Cayman Islands. Your investors get a ½ gallon of sour milk as a return on their investment.

C) Capitalism -- New Economy/E-Commerce: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed, to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the 10c per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to 12c a few months later when the investors who bought it realize that your business has no earnings yet and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases by selling the cow and the bull so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to 1 year in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you’re hired as the CEO of an E-Commerce consulting company.

D) Capitalism - George W. Bush: You have two cows. You sell stock in them. The government reduces the taxes you have to pay on the capital gains realized from the sale of the stock. You sell the milk for as much as the market will bear, you take the profit received from the sale of milk and the reduced tax burden and pay a dividend to your stock holders and invest the remainder in buying a bull to increase the size of your herd. The government announces it has saved the family farm.

E) Capitalism - John F. Kerry: You have two cows. You sell stock in them and sell the milk they produce for as much as the market will bear. The government raises taxes on the capital gains realized from the sale of the stock and also taxes your investors on the dividends they receive. Your profit margin plummets, you declare an end to dividends, the stock price in your cows plummet, you declare bankruptcy, sell the cows and get welfare benefits paid out of the increased taxes collected from your former stockholders. The government announces it has saved the family farm.

F) Capatilsm - Californian: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. You go into real estate

D) Socialism - See Political systems above

E) Communism - See Political systems above

MISC.
1. Aristocracy: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

2. Army -- United States: You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

3. Artist -- Visual: You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London. Hanging from Tower Bridge.

4. Baathism: You have two cows. They compete in blaming everything on the Jews until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.

5. Centralism: You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

6. Conservativism: You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them.

7. Corporation, American: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

8. Corporation, Brazilian: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

9. Corporation, French: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

10. Corporation, German: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

11. Corporation, Indian: You have two cows. You worship them.

12. Corporation, Italian: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

13. Corporation, Japanese: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

14. Corporation, Mexican: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

15. Corporation, Russian: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

16. Corporation, Swiss: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others and refuse to divulge who they belong to.

17. Counterculture: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.

18. Dada: You have two cows. Elephant.

19. Deconstructionism: You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?

20. Despotism -- Modern: You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent", call their government an "Enlightened Centralised Executive", and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.

21. Dyslexianism: You have two woks.

22. Environmentalism #1: You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalise the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.

23. Environmentalism #2: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

24. Existentialism: You have two cows. You declare "Hell is the cows".

25. Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

26. Frisbeetarianism: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders.

27. Idealism: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

28. Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

29. Liberalism: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

30. New Dealism: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

31. New Zealandism: You have two sheep.

32. Nihilism: There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.

33. Pacifism: You have two cows. They stampede you.

34. Perotism: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

35. Platonism: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

36. Plutocracism: You have two cows. Your richer neighbours get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.

37. Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

38. Protectionism: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

39. Redistributionism: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

40. Homer Simpsonism: You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.

41. Socratic Methodism: How many cows do I have? Why?

42. Surrealism: You have two cows. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

43. Survivorism: You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol". Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.

44. Taoism: The cow that can be milked is not the true cow.
(Good thing you have two.)

45. The Matrix: There is only "The One" cow.

A) You have two cows. You milk them in slow motion.

B) You believe you have two cows. They turn out to be CGI graphics cows.

NS MEMBER CONTRIBUTIONS

1. Deconstructivist: You have two cows, but some argue that numbering them privileges the phallologocentric logical paradigm of the hegemonic patriarchy. Other point out that the taxonomic designation "cows" is oppressive in and of itself. Still others protest that it is speciesist to harvest the milk in the first place. You starve to death and many approve of the positive ecological impact.

2. The Matrix: There are no cows, Neo.

3. The Mindset: You do not have two cows.

EARTH V

1. Mauiwowee: You have two cows. You drink their milk and eat donuts cause you have the munchees.

2. Norleans: You have two cows. You give 10% of their milk to Guido so he won't break your legs.

3. Sharina: You have two cows. The govenment puts them in a factory with milking machines and pays you to operate the machinery and then sells you the milk.

4. VirginIncursion: You have two cows. The government genetically engineers one to produce cheese and the other to make butter.

5. Fodmodmadtol: You have two cows. You're not sure what to do with them.

6. The Great Sixth Reich: You have two cows. The government takes them and gives you airline tickets.

7. Tenebricosis: You have two cows. The government takes them and gives them to Vineyard and drafts you for the army.

8. Vineyard: You have two cows. You get two more from Tenebricosis. The government drafts you for the army and kills the cows to feed you and Tenebricosis's army.

9. Whittier: You have two cows. You tell the world they are god's gift to bulls and invite people to bring their bulls over for a visit.

10. Warta-Endor: You have two cows. The government takes them and pays you a subsistence wage to care for them and sells the milk for a reasonable price.

11. Ato-Sara: You have two cows. They use kung-fu to keep you from milking them.

12. Yafor-2: You have two cows. The government takes them, pays you to care for them and sells the milk to Vineyard and Tenebricosis whose cows have inexplicably died.

13. Wirraway: You have two cows. They don't know where you are.

14. Great Romeo: You have two cows. You keep them in a parking lot and they produce no milk at all.

15. Karond Kar: You have two cows. You sell stock in them. When they dry up and won't produce milk, you kill them, sell the meat and make leather and sell stock in that as well.

16. Zuhair Malak: You have two cows. You wait for Vineyard to tell you if you should milk them or butcher them and in which order to do it.

17. Celack: You have two cows. Everyone else pretends they don't exist.

18. Juliopines: You have two cows. You're thankful no one has taken them from you yet. You get all the milk you can and look for greener pastures to graze them on.
Palauu
14-04-2005, 07:23
This is a tour de force. Bravo.


Nebraska: You have two cows. *runs up to two cows and shoves them over. runs aways giggling madly*
Choo-Choo Bear
14-04-2005, 07:24
I got this in some stupid spam/foward thing years ago.


Booo


Edit: except the whole Earth V thing... which seems interesting if I was in the loop, which sadly enough I am not.

Edit 2: Ooh, I'm going to follow example.
Choo-Choo Bear - You have two cows. You set up a largish block of land out of the city a bit with some shady trees and lush grass and let them live and do what they want on it. Not funny, but that's what I would do if I came across two cows just out of chance.
The Mindset
14-04-2005, 07:37
The Mindset: You do not have two cows.
Free Soviets
14-04-2005, 07:46
23. Monty Pythonism: You’re part of an autonomous collective which elects a sort of executive officer of the week who decides who gets the cows. You’re always on about being repressed and the violence inherent in the system. You worry about being “put away” because some watery tart lobbed a scimitar at you.

technically speaking, this should fall under a subsection of anarchism. it is an anarcho-syndicalist commune after all.
Inagadadavidia
14-04-2005, 07:58
That may be old, but I hadn't seen it.

RE: Monty Pythonism. Denis says "I thought we were an anarcho-syndicalist commune!"


Also:

Deconstructivist: You have two cows, but some argue that numbering them privileges the phallologocentric logical paradigm of the hegemonic patriarchy. Other point out that the taxonomic designation "cows" is oppressive in and of itself. Still others protest that it is speciesist to harvest the milk in the first place. You starve to death and many approve of the positive ecological impact.

The Matrix: There are no cows, Neo.

PS) ooops. left the page open for a while before hitting 'reply'.
Mauiwowee
14-04-2005, 08:11
Wow! Great replies all. Thanks. More, we want more!!

Inagadadavidia - I loved your Deconstructivist definition. I"m adding it.

EDIT: I like the Matrix one to, it got me thinking - you'll get credit for yours, but I'm gonna add a few more at the end of the Misc. section.
Free Soviets
14-04-2005, 08:59
RE: Monty Pythonism. Denis says "I thought we were an anarcho-syndicalist commune!"

nah, dennis doesn't say the "i thought we were" part. that's the woman's line (i was going to say "the actual old woman", but that isn't right - damn you cross-dressing pythons!).

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
...
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week...

what a great scene.

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Mauiwowee
14-04-2005, 09:12
Follow up:
Arthur: You don't vote for king!
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clothed in shimmering Sammite held aloft Excalibur, signifying that I, by divine right, was to be king.
Dennis: Look, supreme executive power dervives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. If I went 'round saying I was emperor because some watery tart lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

LOVE IT!!!! that whole scene is the best example of "intelligent" comedy every written IMHO.
Pure Metal
14-04-2005, 09:25
hehe awesome :cool:

addition to the misc/philosophy section:


Regressionism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regressionism):

Having more and faster Cows is not necessarily progress.


9. Socialism – “Nanny State:” You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your cowless neighbor. You both care for them and get all the milk the government says you need from your respective cows. The government buys the excess at a government established fair market price and distributes it freely to the poor.

and how could anyone see this as a bad thing :confused:
FairyTInkArisen
14-04-2005, 09:31
i got bored and gave up reading this a lot quicker than last time it was posted, it's funny but it's so long, my attention span is getting worse i think
Pure Metal
14-04-2005, 09:33
i got bored and gave up reading this a lot quicker than last time it was posted, it's funny but it's so long, my attention span is getting worse i think
bah, same here. i read juuust enough to find it funny and label it 'awesome' :D
The Mindset
14-04-2005, 09:36
Homosexuality: You have two cows. They're the best dressed cows in town.
Mauiwowee
14-04-2005, 23:25
Homosexuality: You have two cows. They're the best dressed cows in town.

LOL - How about they tell bulls how to decorate their stalls? :)
Ubiqtorate
14-04-2005, 23:51
Colonialism: You have two cows, but no bulls. You go to Africa, take the bull of an African, increase your heard, and whip the African to make sure he cares for them. Years later, when the African gets mad about being whipped, you take the now populous herd, sail to Europe and pretend Africa doesn't exist.
Mauiwowee
15-04-2005, 03:45
Awesome contributions guys - keep it up, I'll sift out the best one and add them when I get a chance.
Holy Sheep
15-04-2005, 04:09
Holy Sheepism - You have 2 cows. Your pissed becuase you couldn't get any Sheep.
Gataway_Driver
15-04-2005, 04:14
your obsession with cows worries me!! :)
Mauiwowee
15-04-2005, 05:12
your obsession with cows worries me!! :)

As it would for any "cybersheep farmer" :p
Daistallia 2104
15-04-2005, 05:46
Zen (http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/mzb/oxherd.htm): You look for an ox. Behold the lilies of the field and its fresh sweet-scented verdure.

Zen koan (http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/bodhidharma/mu.html): Does the cow have the Buddha nature? Moo.
Kelleda
15-04-2005, 06:50
Democracy - Californian: You have two cows. They push initiatives onto the ballot, and recall the governor, after which they elect the cow from all the cheese commercials to the post. Their milk is the purest in the nation, thanks to initiatives voted into law, and is as such very high-priced; with the inclusion of taxes thanks to the initiatives, no one can afford to buy milk. You starve.

(NS government example follows)
Kelleda: You have two cows. Since the bottlecap is doing worse than the American peso, everyone's buying your milk, but you still don't get taxed because you're making less than the minimum tax barrier. You rent some bulls, expand your milk empire, and make riotous amounts of money. Then tax season comes and you get hit something fierce. Your costs are outstripping your revenue. You starve.
Kelleda
15-04-2005, 23:17
Fratboy: You have two cows. Their milk is 106 Proof. You throw the best parties on campus, start a liquor company, and despite being expelled from college for founding said company, make millions.

Robocracy: You have two cows. The army kills them for being organic and drags you away in chains for owning them.

Affirmative Action: Since the government decided to make up for fifteen thousand years of human oppression of the bovine race, two cows got your job thanks to hiring quotas. You starve.
Nonconformitism
15-04-2005, 23:53
not of my invention but worth mentioning...

catsism- all your cows are belong to us
Daistallia 2104
16-04-2005, 13:19
Daistallianism: You own Ten cows.
One gets lost in a mysterious fog.
One is actually a Hell Bovine, and you don't own her.
Two have been influanced by the Hell bovine to set up an autonomous commune. As long as they don't bother anybody else, no one cares.
One is actually a sea cow, and is claiming ANA citizenship.
One is most certainly not a winged gremlin. Winged Gremlin ladies are not to be refrerred to as cows, unless you have a death wish (no matter how fat she might be).
One has been consctripted into the army.
One is serving a jail term for bumping another cow
You lost the penutimate cow to your bookie.
The last cow gives great milk.

This milk is turned into the best cheese in the region. Unfortunately your socialists neighbors can't afford to buy the cheese. You have no problems selling it to whomever will buy the cheese. The government doesn't tax the cheese or cows, or the profits you make.

You post cow-porn on your awesomely upto date computer network and make lots of money! Just don't let your cow walk around naked in public.
Parduna
16-04-2005, 14:33
You have two cows. One of them dies of lung cancer. The other one steals all your money and runs away.
The Mindset
16-04-2005, 14:41
Nihlism/Goth: You have two cows. So what?
Plato's Republicanism: You have two cows, which are imperfect and non-real.
Ab Fab: You cow!
Czardas
16-04-2005, 15:52
Libertarian Expansionism: You have two cows. You allow them to do whatever they want, especially if that entails finding you more cows.

Czardas: You have two cows. One of them won't give any milk and the other one is a teapot. You sell the cow-shaped teapot and give the money to charity. You use the other cow to keep your own hunger happy.

Jeffian: You have two cows. You sell one to a neighbor in exchange for all the milk your neighbor will produce from that cow. Your neighbor kills the cow, sells it, and buys another cow. You kill him because he didn't keep his end of the bargain.

Mauvasian: You have two cows. Due to incredible luck, your herd increases to 5000.

Santarinian: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You use the cow to provide milk for your family and the bull to kill any trespassers.

Szang the Pitiless One: You have two cows. Both belong to Szang the Pitiless One.

Vrikstokian: You have two cows. The government takes both, burns down your house, tortures you, kills your family, and turns you into a robotic informer to bring down other anti-government protestors.

Temurian: You have two cows. Massive corporations confiscate your cows saying they are needed to "increase productivity". You protest. You disappear from your house that night and all evidence of you is destroyed.

(These are all my nations—Jeffie, Mauvasia, Santarina, Szang the Pitiless One, Vrikstok, and Temuria. The political models give you a good idea of what they're like.)
Atheist Blobs
16-04-2005, 20:43
How about this site for more 2 cows jokes: http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:You_have_two_cows
Kelleda
16-04-2005, 21:14
1984: "I'm telling you, there are five cows there. Now how many are there?" -THERE ARE TWO COWS!- Insert massive electroshock here.

(That one also works for that one episode of ST:TNG where Picard gets captured by the Cardassians.)
La Habana Cuba
17-04-2005, 07:50
a cow did come on a raft from Cuba,
I am serious.
Daistallia 2104
17-04-2005, 17:40
More from Greenfields:
Hell Bovineism: You have two cows. They form a socialist revolutionary commity and overthrow the oppresive landlord.

Winged Gremlinism: Maybe you have two cows. The ladies keep you so busy you don't care.

Aqua Nation Atlanticaism: You had two cows once upon a time. They drowned. Now you have two dolphins.
Kalmykhia
17-04-2005, 21:47
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: You have forty-two cows.
OR You have two towels.
Knackers/Chavs: You have two cows. One of them has 20" alloys and an amazing sound system. The other one has huge hoop earrings and wears burberry. You dye its skin yellow.
Boggers (country people): You have two cows. One of them is carrying your child.

And music:
Emo: You have two cows. You moan because you don't have a girlfriend. You put eyeliner on the cows.
Kiddy Goths: You have two cows. They want to rebel against you, so both of them dress up as horses and hang around with other farmers' cows.
70's Punk (Sex Pistols): You have two cows. You give one a mohican and shove a large safety pin in the other one's ear. You shoot one of the cows, then kill yourself.
80's Punk (Dead Kennedys): You have two cows. It's all Ronald Reagan's fault. You get very drunk, and leave the cows, citing artistic difficulties. It's still Reagan's fault.
90's Punk (Good Charlotte/Blink-182): You have two cows. Everyone wants to buy your milk after seeing it on MTV. Your old friends and the people who used to buy your milk say you sold out.
Scandinavian Death Metal: You have two cows. They have very scary voices. They tell you to burn down a church. You spend many years in prison, then return and rejoin your old band.
Blues: You had two cows. They left you this morning.
Daistallia 2104
18-04-2005, 15:16
Country and Western:

The Perfect Country and Western Cow Joke: You had two cows. One left you. The other was a drunk. You drove your pick up truck to the train station, and arrived just in time to see it get hit by the train your mamma was coming in on.

Lee Greenwood: You have two cows. Both love the USA.

Hank Williams: You had two cows. You wrote songs about all your cow troubles and drinking.

John Denver: You have two cows. You move to Colorado to become a hippy organic cow farmer.

Charlie Daniels: Your cow went down to Georgia.

Johnny Cash: Cow in Black.

Other:
Cthulluism: You have two cows. You study ancient cow texts and go insane.