NationStates Jolt Archive


Critique and Revise, Please

Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 00:27
I wrote this paper, by putting many short entries and combining them into one, and I know its needs revision. I ask you if you will help me revise it by pointing out typos and critiquing my paper. After this I will share with friends and others of mine. What I would appreciate most is wherever you can, offer a witty and or sacarcastic remark so I can add that in. Thank you.

People of the States Say,"No!"
I have grown quite concerned with our current state of affairs, and I wish to change that and reveal to people howdangerously close we are to chaos. In this I shall list and explain the numerous problems and possible solutions to them. However, only the individual can change themself.

How We Arrived at Our Current State
I feel relatively creative tonight, so I thought I would discuss government, not its role or anything of that sort, but rather touch up on a different area. I will not discuss its various faults, though many there are, but alas no, that will be for another night in the very near future. I am about to discuss the power we have over government. Yes, I said it our power over the machine. It may sound all very confusing, but after a few moments of thought you will realize that I speak not of lies. We control it and it is our vehicle. Although we do not control every action of every politician, we do have the power the change it. Now, my dear readers, I am about to tell you a piece of useful knoweledge, it may sound rather odd at first but give it time; Government is our creation, it is a beast at our mercy and who exist only because of our mercy. It is not our mother, we are the parent, we can punish it and shape to our will. It may seem as if it controls us and we need it, but I assure here and now that it is quite the contrary, without us it is fated to crumble, to fall, like once mighty Rome. An institution without fellows is a shallow, empty shell without an ounce of substance. The citizenry has this very power at their fingertips, even though the majority of them are ignorant to this fact. I do not fear the government, and neither should anyone. That common fear is what keeps us enslaved and makes us look as if we are at their mercy, but again I say it is the reverse.
But why our afraid of our own creation, you may be asking yourself? I tell you it is because we have grown too dependent on it. At this point many are like new borns who cling to their mother for nourishment and care. It is our fault, we have let this happen. It has become overgrown and overzealous. How? We have entrusted the government with the responsiblity to grant us wages, labor, education, and care. It is because we do not wish to search for these needs, when there is certainly a market for them, but have ran to government pleading for its help and guidance. They grant us petty privelages and turn our money into theirs and if they can control our money, then they have a firm grip over us all. Now, there are several paths that government can take, the one path is it can become all consuming as it is becoming now, that is the path to hell, the path we have so ignorantly and joyously taken. To this very day that is the path we choose to tread, even when its devastating effects have been pointed out to us by those few who saw its numerous plagues it can cast over us all with its iron arms. We can change this, we can take it and shatter it into a thousand pieces! But, nay I do not suggest that. That is the path toward anarchism, which, at maximum, last only a few hours to a few days before a tyrant rose to power. We must not allow that, that would only place us back into reach of the iron arms of large government, or the entity as I refer to call it, surely we are intelligent enough to avoid anarchism.
In my honest opinion a good government is one that is easily controlled, or one as Thomas Jefferson suggest. A small, limited government who can focus on administering the law and does not dictate the market, but rather lets it proceed down its natural course. One that would allow the maximum amount freedom without it causing libertarianism in its most extreme form. (We musn't allow other people to harm other people's freedom- that is the purpose of law in a part.) How can we achieve this government? By two means, voting and their wallet. If you can harm their wallet they will do what they can do regain its plentiful contents. We must not be so depenedent on the, we must tell them we can walk as a toddler says to his parents. We must not take its tempations, such as handouts. Voting is a valuable tool. We can change the regime and put one in place that we can manage if it grows to large or goes awry. After we achive that we can move on from that point. Do not buy into the indoctrination and handouts, say ," No, I will take responsibility for my own life. I neither desire nor require your welfare."Again I am not proposing anarchism and look down upon that idea.(far too impractical) Peaceful protests are another mean. Not by violence, the most efficient way to extinguish a fire is by water. The government is a bonfire and we are a wave- we must turn make the fire smaller or else it will spread. People, however, often do not vote. They take it for granted, but if it is threatened they will rise. Of course we must not let it reach that stage. Watch out for propaganda for instance, the Big Two say theywish to "take the country back", but for whom and from whom? They wish to take it back from eachother, they fight for control, they wish to keep it for themselves. One of the firsy things we must do is admit that this problem is our doing, we have neglected it to such am extent that it is like this now. By this way, we will not reach a more Orwellian state.
Voting and Democracy
I have decided that on the issue of voting that I made my explanation far too vague and in this post I will further prod the issue.Voting is one of our most powerful and potent of all our political and social tools. With it we can uphold the current manifestations and regime or we may choose to reverse them and topple the regime.- a minirature revolution if you will. It is a version of a peaceful protest, each one vote a signal to the leaders in power, of course as we know politicians can be bought and sold so this poses as a challenge. If we accept full responsiblity for our actions and our grave mistake of making a nanny out of a jackel, then we may change our course before it is too late.However, many people, young people, do not exercise this right. They often feel that it is to no affect if they neglect to exercise it, or that their voices are being muffled and see no use in taking part in our Republic in the democratic fashion. This is the curse of apathy, one that is charateristic, to my dismay, in our society. People believe this right will be free to do for all time and with no restrictions. That, dear fellows, is an overly optimistic and naive view of it. It is untrue, by ignoring the right to vote and not freely exericising it we are sending the message that we do not care what the government does, that they may do they will when they will, no further inquiries.
Not only does it do this, but a great deal more. Somewhere two-hundred million citizens may vote, but in the previous election cycle only around one-hundred and twelve million participated. That is a disappointing number. By doing this your voice is not heard and you are basically allowing other voters to choose your leaders for you, and when the election is over you complain but place no blame on yourself because you did not partake in the process, which you are more at fault than if you did participate. Moving further along, I shall make mention of the feeling of hopelessness. People feel they are not being heard and that their government is looking down their noses on them, this is people who vote mind you. If someone cannot hear you, yell your message louder, be vocal. However, what if the politician refuses to listen? Well then you protest, peacefully is affective, you be persistant and show them as I have told you that the government is at your mercy and make them realize that. But, in politics a certain level of cynicism is required because politics is one of the largest and mosr destructive outlet for corruption ever contrived by man and if you see not the cynicism in it, then you needn't be in it or you are not looking close enough.
Political Character
In this next part, the character and ineffeciveness of a polarized democracy will be discussed.. I was reminded of a play by Theather of the Absurd called Rosencratz and Guildenstern are Dead. On reading a brief statement about it, I saw the relavence in applying it to our day. You see they come upon deep philosophical truths and discoveres, only to have them fade away into the darkness moments later. We do this as well, especially in politics, yes its another post about politics. The politicians, in all their bickering and deep tone of cynicism, come upon viable solutions to actual problems, but they few are far between. Unfortunately, before it can be put up for furthrt discussion, it turns into a debate. People disagree on how it should be done and when and why and other such inquiries. One side believes this is the most effective way to implement it, the other believes the other way is far more effective. Soon the entire idea and its following concepts are thus drowned in a black a pool of detail and argument. It is because of this that we lose sight of what works most effectively and efficiently. One must have it their way ,and quite often, must have it no other way. We must come to a sensible agreement and join together rather than arguing over who is right and who is wrong, stop pointing the finger as it were. This is not just politicians, but everyone and it is an extremely difficult cycle to escape from. Now, I take issue with their contradictions. I have heard a few Republicans express their distaste with his decision, saying that it is unconstitutional that the state is interfering. They said it was family affair. I have to agree with them. This was a family affair and the government had no right to reverse the decisions of the courts. Mr. Schiavo is her legal guardian and as such he can order the feeding tube removed. Bush claims to be for smaller government, but this is extremely contradictory to his rhetoric. If he truly was for smaller government he would have let the decision be, he would not have used his power to change the decision in his favor. He is also letting his so-called pro-life stance interfere. His view is that if it is uncertain if a person is alive or dead, you must always sway to the side of life. Another example of hypocracy is, which Rev. Sharpton pointed out, what about death row cases where it is unsure if the person is guilty. According to the rhetoric we must sway to the side of life, but that is not the case. To be rather direct, he is doing one action and saying something entirely contradictory. If you are truly for life you will sway to the side of life in death row cases. If he is truly for small government he would tell the government to stop dictating morality, this forms a state morality and it is placed on everyone.
Polarization and Our Democracy
As you know there are two major parties, what you may not know is there exist a great deal of others such as the Libertarian, Constitution, Socialist, and Green to name only a few. Be that as it may many people group others only into Democrat and Republican. To so many of the voting population only these exist and only these matter, currently the major parties hold all the power and influence. This brings about an aisle of stereotypes, for example all Democrats have mainly liberal views and Republicans mainly conservative ones. In effect this causes the traditional, and highly flawed, left-right scale. To those who recognize it as accurate people are grouped and put into these too few categories. The government as well as the mainstream media accept this. One proof of this is the Red State-Blue State system used during elections. People become so attached to these labels that it contributes to political, and social and economic, polarization. They are overwhelmed by ideologues and in the process become fanatics. ( a few include Rush Limbaugh, Al Franken, Alan Colmes, and Sean Hannity )
Labels are dangerous, you can call peoples views liberal or conservative, libertarian, etc. because that can be accurate, but when you label the person then it becomes difficult to reason with each other. Parties are the same. One should vote for a party, not join one. People identify themselves politically, usually by a certain party. Parties are for politicians, not for the average citizen or pundint. Doing the opposite will only cause a higher, and possibly more harmful, degree of seperation. To my original point, most politicos ignore people who tend to have ideas that sway from the mainstream, and if no one hears about them, then people think these are the only valid and existing views. The media again plays a part in polarization. There are so many sources for news that people can choose. The vast majority of the time it is with media who share similar views. Again this brings about the birth of ideologues. We must see other views or else we will be engulfed by our own and blinded from rationality.
To end this horrifying state of affairs, I say we need but say, "No!"
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 00:48
Sorry if its too long.
Occidio Multus
08-04-2005, 01:37
knowladge- spelling
mercy twice in the same sentence. find a synonym.
privelage- spelling
To this very day that is the path we choose to tread, even when its devastating effects have been pointed out to us by those few who saw its numerous plagues it can cast over us all with its iron armsrun on sentence.
Thomas Jefferson suggest. suggested.

One that would allow the maximum amount freedom without it causing libertarianism in its most extreme form. explain liberalism. what if the reader does not know what it is.
Voting is a valuable tool. We can change the regime and put one in place that we can manage if it grows to large or goes awry. let reader know you have to vote as a group.

clean up your Bush statements. talk about interpreting the law, and the constitution, and what different courts, state and federal said and did. perhaps explain the differentjobs of different branches of govt./

all in all, good paper. sorry i got picky. i just saw that no one else had answered.
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 01:45
:) knowladge- spelling
mercy twice in the same sentence. find a synonym.
privelage- spelling
To this very day that is the path we choose to tread, even when its devastating effects have been pointed out to us by those few who saw its numerous plagues it can cast over us all with its iron armsrun on sentence.
Thomas Jefferson suggest. suggested.

One that would allow the maximum amount freedom without it causing libertarianism in its most extreme form. explain liberalism. what if the reader does not know what it is.
Voting is a valuable tool. We can change the regime and put one in place that we can manage if it grows to large or goes awry. let reader know you have to vote as a group.

clean up your Bush statements. talk about interpreting the law, and the constitution, and what different courts, state and federal said and did. perhaps explain the differentjobs of different branches of govt./

all in all, good paper. sorry i got picky. i just saw that no one else had answered.
By all means be picky, it helps me.
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 01:47
Kervoskia, have you actually read over this thing yourself?
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 01:49
Kervoskia, have you actually read over this thing yourself?
Yes, and have thought about fixing many of the things stated above, but I wanted some outside opinion. I also wanted to know if people thought it was just babble.
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 01:54
Yes, and have thought about fixing many of the things stated above, but I wanted some outside opinion.

First - cut out the filler: the first main paragraph can be reduced to:

How We Arrived at Our Current State

I am about to discuss the power we have over government. We control it and it is our vehicle. Although we do not control every action of every politician, we do have the power the change it. Government is our creation, it is a beast at our mercy and IT existS only because of our mercy. I do not fear the government, and nOR should anyone. That common fear is what keeps us enslaved and makes us look as if we are at ITS mercy.

Capital letters indicate changes I've made.

Secondly: re-read it more closely, what for example is the sentence But why our afraid of our own creation, you may be asking yourself? meant to be? 'But why are we afraid of our own creation?' The second clause can be ditched, its more filler.

I also wanted to know if people thought it was just babble.

At present I find it too hard to read to decide whether it is all just babble or not.
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 01:57
First - cut out the filler: the first main paragraph can be reduced to:

How We Arrived at Our Current State

I am about to discuss the power we have over government. We control it and it is our vehicle. Although we do not control every action of every politician, we do have the power the change it. Government is our creation, it is a beast at our mercy and IT existS only because of our mercy. I do not fear the government, and nOR should anyone. That common fear is what keeps us enslaved and makes us look as if we are at ITS mercy.

Capital letters indicate changes I've made.

Secondly: re-read it more closely, what for example is the sentence But why our afraid of our own creation, you may be asking yourself? meant to be? 'But why are we afraid of our own creation?' The second clause can be ditched, its more filler.



At present I find it too hard to read to decide whether it is all just babble or not.
It is supposed to be 'But why are we afraid of our own creation?'
I will write it more carefully.
Ashmoria
08-04-2005, 01:59
do you have ms word? it needs to be spell-checked and grammar-checked.

i think it starts out too "chatty" for the more formal style that follows. you need a dynamite opening.

im worried that you may have too many metaphors in the how we arrived section. i dont like that you state that we are the parents but follow it up with us being the children. i know what you mean, but i dont think it works right.

under political character you jump into the schiavo case without enough warning. i dont think the discussion at the beginning is illustrated well by this case. (not that it cant be, it may just need more work)

i like the polarization section. it makes good points. (that i had never considered)

the beginning of all sections are weak. they need much stronger theme sentences. you also need to find some way to bring the end back around to the beginning so that it feels more finished.

i enjoyed it. you cover alot of topics and ideas. its an excellent start. i hope you post the finished product so we can see how you polish it.
Venalion
08-04-2005, 01:59
I would say that I find the wording of the entire writing to be far too informal. You may have intentionally gone after this style to be more accessible, but instead you come across sounding a little bit like you're trying to talk to a group of sixth graders. Instead, I would suggest bringing in some of the formal conventions - no use of personal pronouns, et cetera - so that the paper seems more seriously written. You've also written in what I can only call a flowery way, full of imagery, metaphor, and broad, sweeping statements. I think here you may be confusing speech and essay. If this is meant to be given aloud, I think it could work if you lighten up just a little bit, but in an essay I would suggest adopting a far more down-to-earth tone.
On a somewhat different note, rather than sticking your essay up on a web site, I'd suggest finding someone who knows what you're doing and why and is therefore intimate with the writing without having actually seen it before to proofread it for grammar and spelling errors.
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 01:59
It is supposed to be 'But why are we afraid of our own creation?'
I will write it more carefully.

If I'm appearing to be harsh on you, then that isn't intentional. The kind of writing you are trying to do is hard and it takes a certain amount of discipline.

Has anyone every taught you how to write an essay plan?
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 02:07
I would say that I find the wording of the entire writing to be far too informal. You may have intentionally gone after this style to be more accessible, but instead you come across sounding a little bit like you're trying to talk to a group of sixth graders. Instead, I would suggest bringing in some of the formal conventions - no use of personal pronouns, et cetera - so that the paper seems more seriously written. You've also written in what I can only call a flowery way, full of imagery, metaphor, and broad, sweeping statements. I think here you may be confusing speech and essay. If this is meant to be given aloud, I think it could work if you lighten up just a little bit, but in an essay I would suggest adopting a far more down-to-earth tone.
On a somewhat different note, rather than sticking your essay up on a web site, I'd suggest finding someone who knows what you're doing and why and is therefore intimate with the writing without having actually seen it before to proofread it for grammar and spelling errors.
The reason it is so informal is because it was originally posted on my blog and mainly my classmates read it. So I tried not to be so formal. I put it up here also because of the ideas and because NS has such a wide range of them.

If I'm appearing to be harsh on you, then that isn't intentional. The kind of writing you are trying to do is hard and it takes a certain amount of discipline.

Has anyone every taught you how to write an essay plan?
No, not at all. This all very helpful and I have only used some sort of essay plan for essays on works of literature.
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 02:14
This all very helpful and I have only used some sort of essay plan for essays on works of literature.

Apply the same method to this kind of writing: decide before hand what points you want to make and use them to structure the piece. At present it just seems like you have rambled from this point to that point interjecting flourishes and padding when you can't think of anything better to say.
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 02:18
The reason it is so informal is because it was originally posted on my blog and mainly my classmates read it. So I tried not to be so formal. I put it up here also because of the ideas and because NS has such a wide range of them.

If anything the 'informal' nature of the writing makes it harder to understand, rather than easier. When you are posting on NS you are a literate and easily comprehensible poster, but this doesn't come through in the piece above.

For example compare a section at random from your piece...

How can we achieve this government? By two means, voting and their wallet. If you can harm their wallet they will do what they can do regain its plentiful contents. We must not be so depenedent on the, we must tell them we can walk as a toddler says to his parents. We must not take its tempations, such as handouts. Voting is a valuable tool.

...to the response you just made above...

The reason it is so informal is because it was originally posted on my blog and mainly my classmates read it. So I tried not to be so formal. I put it up here also because of the ideas and because NS has such a wide range of them.

I doubt I would be the only one here who would find your standard posting style produces a more pleasent text.
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 02:35
I see, do you know of any other methods of formal writing?
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 02:44
I see, do you know of any other methods of formal writing?

In my opinion the best way of writing 'formally' is to ask yourself what you want to say, to answer that question to yourself and then write it down. I find that this helps to bring out your natural voice.

I can't really overstress the importance of re-reading your work. Your piece above has plenty of slips and errors which don't appear in your normal postings, and it is well within your capabilities to catch and correct them.

Other than that - draft, redraft and draft again.

I actually find it easier to do more formal pieces on a manual typewriter rather than a word processor. It involves quite a bit more work, in that you end up retyping sections again and again, rather than just zipping about with the cursor and making an amendment here and there, but I personally find that the actual slog of retyping means you look at the whole thing with a much more critical eye - if nothing else it forces you to re-read and look at exactly what the phrases, sentences and paragraphs are actually doing, rather than what you think they are doing.
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 02:47
In my opinion the best way of writing 'formally' is to ask yourself what you want to say, to answer that question to yourself and then write it down. I find that this helps to bring out your natural voice.

I can't really overstress the importance of re-reading your work. Your piece above has plenty of slips and errors which don't appear in your normal postings, and it is well within your capabilities to catch and correct them.

Other than that - draft, redraft and draft again.

I actually find it easier to do more formal pieces on a manual typewriter rather than a word processor. It involves quite a bit more work, in that you end up retyping sections again and again, rather than just zipping about with the cursor and making an amendment here and there, but I personally find that the actual slog of retyping means you look at the whole thing with a much more critical eye - if nothing else it forces you to re-read and look at exactly what the phrases, sentences and paragraphs are actually doing, rather than what you think they are doing.
I like your type writer idea, unfortunately I don't have one. I will still re-read it and edit it.
B0zzy
08-04-2005, 02:51
I didn't read it all. After the second paragraph I had barely received any information or content of value. I have only two words for you;

Economy of words.


Ok, make that three.. : )

Thomas Jefferson once said, "No style of writing is so delightful as that which is all pith, which never omits a necessary word, nor uses an unnecessary one." Paraphrasing himself, he also said, "The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do."

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/3052/79586
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 02:52
I like your type writer idea, unfortunately I don't have one. I will still re-read it and edit it.

Would you be offended if I just asked you what you actually wanted to say in the piece?
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 02:56
I didn't read it all. After the second paragraph I had barely received any information or content of value. I have only two words for you;

Economy of words.

When I was at college doing my first degree I was mocked by my friends because the essays I had to write for it were so short. I think there was a maximum word count of about 1250 or 1500 words. What writing those essays taught me was the importance of brevity. If a paragraph, sentence, phrase or word isn't doing stirling work in a piece of writing then out it goes.



"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I've written a long one instead." - attributed to Mark Twain, amongst others.
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 03:04
Would you be offended if I just asked you what you actually wanted to say in the piece?
I wouldn't be offended. I wanted to say was that government was the creation of the citizens, but due to apathy and people wishing for the state to serve as a nanny, it has become far too large and gives politicians too much power.
Bodies Without Organs
08-04-2005, 03:47
I wouldn't be offended. I wanted to say was that government was the creation of the citizens, but due to apathy and people wishing for the state to serve as a nanny, it has become far too large and gives politicians too much power.

You see, that's what is missing from the piece - clarity and brevity.
Kervoskia
08-04-2005, 03:54
You see, that's what is missing from the piece - clarity and brevity.
When I finish it, you wouldn't mind if I TG you it?