NationStates Jolt Archive

fictional, factual, whatever. i can't think of anything at the moment, but if someone starts us off, i can certainly reciprocate.

they call me ismeal... blah blah blah... thar she blows... arg matey tis the white whale... and i alone survived to tell the tale.

There was a truckie driving along the Bruce highway late one night, he had just turned a sharp corner and was about to re-accelerate when he saw something in the middle of the road so he slammed on the breaks. getting out of his cab he went over and had a closer look at this object in the middle of the road. "It's a dog," he mutters"

"Yes," said the dog, "so I am."

"Move out of the way!" The driver demanded, but the dog refused. The driver continued repeating his demand, and after several minutes got back into his truck and drove over the dog.

You're all nuts.

A minister is walking along a street and sees a boy playing with a bottle in the gutter, concerned he asks the boy what's in the bottle. "Sulphuric acid," is his reply. The minister, being concerned offered him a trade, "my holy water for your acid."

"What's so good about your holy water?" the boy asks.

"I rubbed it on a mother's stomach and she passed a baby."

"That's nothing," said the boy, "I rubbed this on my dog's balls and he passed a Jag."

Hmmm a story

Once upon a time, Everyone got sick of you and so did I, goodbye.

Rude people don't get to share the popcorn.

Here's some crappy story I typed up at this other webby:

Read this one for a....story (http://rtw.heavengames.com/cgi-bin/forums/display.cgi?action=ct&f=10,242,30,30)

Don't feel like typing all over again...

long story. You can have extra popcorn.

There once was a little red man in a little red house in a little red street in a medium orange city. One day he recieved a knock on his little red door. When he answered, much to his surprise a large purple woman introduced herself as his new neigbour and asked if she could borrow a little red sugar. The little red man obliged and watched as the large purple woman returned to her large purple house nextdoor.

The next day while the little red man was in his little red bath there was another knock on his little red door. The little red man put on his little red dressing gown and opened his little red door to the large purple woman. She had come to return a little red sugar she explained. The little red man took off his little red dressing gown and stood there naked, his little red parts exposed, flashing everyone. The large purple woman scream and ran across the little red road, but only made it half way as she was hit by the truck driven by the truck driver in the first story with the talking dog.





What is the moral of this story?















Don't run across the road while the little red man is flashing.

Popcorn!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't had popcorn in half a year...I'm one of those people who smuggles their own snacks into the movie theater :D

So this one time I was walking out my front door. It was early in the morning on a sunny weekend (I don't remember the day now) and I had a mug of coffee in hand. I was occupied with trying to figure out what I was doing up so early on a weekend so I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings. Suddenly, inexplicably, a cool million bucks began to drift down from the sky and land softly in a small circle around me. I blinked a few times, looked up, looked down at the money, looked back up to the sky, back down to the money, and then around me. After the daze wore off I stood in silence for a moment. Then I shrugged and began picking up the money.

That's why I'm so rich now. And that's the damn truth!

here's a quick one:
In lieu of answering the extra credit question about the place of the id, ego and super-ego in criminology, i wrote about how freud was a dick, and drew a deranged lookin monkey instead. I wrote next to the monkey, "Looka tha monkey! Come on, you know you want to give me extra credit for that shit! Do it! No one needs to know!" So i think i might get more extra credit than if i'd actually answered the question.
that one's real, in case you can't tell. it's not technically a story, but it is an anequedote, and those count.

Some Very Funny Essays (http://douglas.min.net/essay/)

Some Very Funny Essays (http://douglas.min.net/essay/)
you win.

Warm water usually builds up around australia. But not anymore with el nino. El Nino moves the warm water from australia to somewhere else, namely to other places. Where are these other places? These places also have water, but water that is usually not as warm as the warm water El Nino moves to these said other places. These other places are to the east. Of the water.

Classic!

Oh god, the lightning essay is even funnier, and the Walt Whitman is the funniest. "Peter, please see me."

you win.
Yay!

were those real?

were those real?
I think they were meant as a joke, but I have no clue.



Still, they are amazing.

What about my stories? I wrote three! You never said they have to be good! Where's my honourable mention, eh? :p

What about my stories? I wrote three! You never said they have to be good! Where's my honourable mention, eh? :p

It's not all about the mentions man! Its about the feel of it, the glory of the writing, the art! Think of the art!!!

.......Popcorn? Me got lots...

here's a paper i wrote. take it. i hope the link works.
go here now! (http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?user=ihavepants&tab=weblogs&uid=194989364)

Somebody is bored...

tell us a story


In the beginning God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good:

And God divided the light from the matter. And for 9 Billion years the earth was without form, and void;

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the light. And the gathering of matter became our Earth.

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and for 1 Billion years it was so.

And from this life sprang every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, and beast of the dry earth after his kind and for 3 Billion years it was so.

And from this life sprang man, who gained dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth and for 100 Thousand years it has been so.

OOoOOoOoooOOoO. good story.

I'm pretty sure we don't have dominion over cats though.

we sift through boxes of gravel in fervent search of their dainty little shits. i think that's a pretty good indication of who wears the pants in that relationship.

I got a funny one.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all, I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. ~ Mitch Hedberg

that is good. he will be missed.

Ok. How about a warm, fuzzy feel-good story?

The entire Duke basketball team milled about the basketball court impatiently. Where was Michigan State's team? The game was supposed to have started over twenty minutes ago. Their heroic opponents were no where to be found. Did the chicken out in the face of the subpar forwards that Duke had to offer? This was the only logical conclusion for the Duke players, since State couldn't possibly be willing to challenge them, the team that was expected by exactly one half of the morons that wanted to lose $10 to win the tournament. Suddenly their ass-patting was interrupted by a massive explosion! When the dust cleared, the crowd gasped in awe. A huge hole had been blown out of the wall and through the light dust that still remained fog lights shone strong. Slowly a vehicle drove through the hole and onto the court. It was none other then Tom Izzo and Alan Anderson in a Fort Super Duty! Armed with PATRIOT missiles! Holy shit! The color quickly drained from the shocked Duke players' faces. Izzo grinned menacingly, his finger hovering over a large button. A quick tap of the button sent the missiles roaring toward the Duke fans and the team, dispersing both. The unlucky players that remained were run down by Izzo. Shelden Williams ended up in a knot around the truck's front axel. The world, at the brink of destruction by the Communist blight, was saved for Democracy. The stock market hit record highs and unemployment hit record lows. World peace was finally achieved and the pope suddenly became 20 years younger and survived his infection. Then UNC came along and screwed it all up.

The end.

Some Very Funny Essays (http://douglas.min.net/essay/)
Wow. That is all there is to say to that is wow. I sincerely hope those are faked.

In the beginning God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good:

And God divided the light from the matter. And for 9 Billion years the earth was without form, and void;

And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the light. And the gathering of matter became our Earth.

And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and for 1 Billion years it was so.

And from this life sprang every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, and beast of the dry earth after his kind and for 3 Billion years it was so.

And from this life sprang man, who gained dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth and for 100 Thousand years it has been so.

HAHAHA!!!! that is a pretty funny one, but seriously we need some halfway decent stories

Funny essays? OK, someone's special....... or thpeshurl I should say

Funny essays? OK, someone's special....... or thpeshurl I should say
special with a capital R

aaaahhahahahahaha! priceless, branin.