NationStates Jolt Archive


Garment of different threads

Gartref
02-04-2005, 21:23
I feel really depressed.... and FAT.

I've been trying to lose weight, but it's hard when you have a feeding tube. Especially when that tube continuously pumps pureed kosher pork into you. And yes, pork is kosher if you're on the "The St. Paul Diet". I'm thinking I should move down to Florida where that Mitch Hedberg guy pulled out his wife terri's feeding tube. I heard she lost a lot of weight. I also heard that the situation caused a lot of fuss. Evidently, the Pope got all involved - and in a show of Solidaritet - got his own feeding tube. I really respect Bush for sending Janet Reno down there to pull that tube out of Terri Gonzalez. It took guts for him to stand up to the Pope like that.

You know, why is everybody trying to tell me what to do with my body. If I want to lose weight, that's my business. Their just fat-cells. I could understand stepping in if they were stem-cells or, G-D forbid, an embryo. I, myself, would kill anyone who tried to hurt a zygote. I'm even careful with my sperm. If I simply "have to" masturbate - I do it with a Priest who can deliver last rites to my seed. I mean, that's only common sense.

I guess there are a couple of reasons I want to lose weight. First off, I am tired of being labeled a "Fat American". Can't you Europeans see how hurtful that is? You just don't understand us. We have saved the world more times than Superman, yet you make comments about our thighs. You put the U.N. in New York city, the land of cheesecake and pizza by-the-slice, and then wonder why we're fat. Screw you!

The other reason I want to lose weight is to shape up before the wedding. That's right! I'm getting married! My other half (http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5da20b3127cce9150690f4a8000000016109AbtnDFy3au) is a Libertarian. He is not an Anarchist! Don't even get me started! His turn-ons include Winston Churchill(greatest leader of WWII) and reading the Bible. Although we are both Gay and getting married - we are both against Gay-Marriage. Our parents are making us get married cause living together is a sin. I feel a little weird about marrying a creationist, but he assures me that the Bible contains only Truth. He knows this because the word "Bible" is ancient Aramaic for FACTS. And before you Dan Rather types even start, ancient aramaic did have the bold font as well as superscript ths.

Well... I just don't know what to do about my feeding tube. I don't feel qualified to pull it out myself. That would be a positive action on my part that my liberal friends feel I should leave to the courts to decide. On the other hand, my conservative friends keep talking about my fat-cell's right to life. Sometimes it's very hard to make a decision when you are an inoffensive centrist. Although sometimes I think that both my Liberal and Conservative friends are being hypocritical. In fact, I get so worked up sometimes - that I accuse them all of hypocracy. I misspell hypocrisy on purpose, just to emphasize my frustration.

Well... the Pope is dead now... and so is Mitch Hedberg. They were both saints in my book. Troubled, imperfect saints - but saints nevertheless. I guess thy're gonna elect a new Pope now. Nostradamus predicted that the next Pope would be Jewish and the one after that would be the last. Since a Jewish Pope will only last about a month, we'll be on the Final Pope by the middle of May. I guess I will pull that feeding tube - I want to lose some weight and be trim for the Rapture.
Niini
02-04-2005, 21:28
:D
That really much sums it up!
Aluminumia
02-04-2005, 21:30
WTF? :confused:
Evantopia
02-04-2005, 21:33
WTF? :confused:

i am totally agreeing... what the saucy? :confused:
Lunatic Goofballs
02-04-2005, 21:39
God loves the atheists. :D
Potaria
02-04-2005, 21:41
WTF? :confused:

I'll have to agree... What the fuck?
Jhenova
02-04-2005, 21:51
i think im in love.
Seven Sea of Rhye
02-04-2005, 21:53
It's been a while since I saw a rant this funny.
Niini
02-04-2005, 22:08
It's been a while since I saw a rant this funny.


Seconded :)

This threads can really relax the tension.
Gartref
02-04-2005, 22:53
This forum gets too serious. We need more insane rants!

Consider this a challenge!
The Marian Hegemon
03-04-2005, 02:15
This forum gets too serious. We need more insane rants!

Consider this a challenge!

I will not attempt a insane rant. I did not understand some of the things you said but what I did made me laugh very much.
Vegas-Rex
03-04-2005, 02:18
God, it's almost a Jeffy rant!
Super-power
03-04-2005, 02:30
Roflmao!
The Marian Hegemon
03-04-2005, 04:50
I guess there are a couple of reasons I want to lose weight. First off, I am tired of being labeled a "Fat American". Can't you Europeans see how hurtful that is? You just don't understand us. We have saved the world more times than Superman, yet you make comments about our thighs. You put the U.N. in New York city, the land of cheesecake and pizza by-the-slice, and then wonder why we're fat. Screw you!

That was my favorite part. But Europe is getting just as fat as America now. :)
Evil Arch Conservative
03-04-2005, 04:53
Huh, a grand unification of every topic of this forum. If I ever want someone to join this forum and they ask what it's all about, I'll show them this.
Willamena
03-04-2005, 05:03
I don't care what this thread is about... I didn't even read the first post. I just love the subject line.
Nonconformitism
03-04-2005, 05:09
that was a work of utterly random yet sensical genious

ps ill work on a rant but i doubt it will be any good
Gartref
03-04-2005, 07:00
That was my favorite part. But Europe is getting just as fat as America now. :)

Europe is getting fatter by the minute. But they're blaming it on the importation of American culture. European fatties are storming the Paris McDonalds even as we speak.
Willamena
03-04-2005, 07:30
that was a work of utterly random yet sensical genious

ps ill work on a rant but i doubt it will be any good
I doubly doubt your rant will be of any significance, but would like to hear it anyway.
Willamena
03-04-2005, 07:31
European fatties are storming the Paris McDonalds even as we speak.
There's a thought...
Pope Michael I
03-04-2005, 08:38
Guide to Living a Good Life:

(Given to Pope Michael I by John Paul II)
(Posthumously)
(May he rest in peace)
(Amen)

Well, I'm not to sure. It has something to do with not doing some bad stuff. I know there's this book, um...tip of my tounge...umm, damn Alzheimers! Or is it Parkinson's? Hmmm. Not really sure. This nice man in red talked at me yesterday.

Anyway, on to living well. Basically you worship the guy who writes this. Not the teller, but the writer. Casue, um, God spoke to Him! Yeah, that's it! God spoke to him. Right. You follow Jesus, hate gay people, and yell amen a lot. Sometimes you mutter random things and vaguely bless large crowds out windows. It helps if you try to turn back the wheels on a reform project. Umm, ummm, help hide Nazis, um there's all kinds of stuff. Don't cuss. That's a big one. Umm, something about ten rules, ten rules, what was that?

What's that, Mister Law? Commandments? Oh right, commandments, ten of 'em, follow them, they're in some book. What's that? Oh, that's the Bible? Well damn! I mean, well dang! You sure? When I was in Poland, we didn't have no stinkin' Bibles. Say, that's a pretty good Dirty Hairy impression! What was I saying?

Oh right, the laws. Well, here's the deal, these were cooked up as a joke by some drunk frat idiots a few thousand years ago and by a hilarious Three's Company-esque mishap, they were turned into the basis for two big religions, um, the one with the funny guys with the wierd hats and the other one, with the guy in the white suit and the tall hat. What's that, Law? Speak up man! Get the hell away from those goddamned, uhh, whatchamacallems, alterboys! You sick bastard! Oh man, is that, umm, black thing, round head, uhhh, oh yeah, microphone!, still on? Did you record that? Damn it! I mean, the other word, uhh, dang it, that's it!

Law! Waht are those religions? Judeyism and Catholisism? Yeah, that's right. Pay attention. Stop ignoring me, I am your, uhh, uhh, Pope. Oh well. Forget it, God says you're all joining us next year anyway, so it doesn't matter. Besides, none of you idots would be able to live right anyway. Law, you sick bitch, if I ever see you doing that again, I'm going to have Him smite you! Stop it, damnit! Law! Oh well. Bye folks.

[overheard in background]Oh yeah. That went well. Hey bitch, get me another brew. Oh yeah.
The Marian Hegemon
03-04-2005, 22:25
I understand less of that one, than the first one.
Gartref
04-04-2005, 03:07
Guide to Living a Good Life:

Good rant! But you need to notch up the insanity level!
The Marian Hegemon
04-04-2005, 18:07
I wrote a rant that was crazy it took me a long time. I tried to submit it and the forum stopped working for at least an hour so I gave up. I think insane rates make the forum crash!
Risukko
02-05-2005, 11:28
On the other hand, my conservative friends keep talking about my fat-cell's right to life.

Losing weight doesn´t kill fat-cells. It just makes them smaller. :p
Discoraversalism
16-07-2006, 11:03
Well... the Pope is dead now... and so is Mitch Hedberg. Shit Mitch is dead!?! No one tells me anything.
Straughn
17-07-2006, 02:45
Garment or tapestry?
There's a lot of work there - a tapestry of titles is probably easier than a tapestry of spam threads.