Gartref
02-04-2005, 21:23
I feel really depressed.... and FAT.
I've been trying to lose weight, but it's hard when you have a feeding tube. Especially when that tube continuously pumps pureed kosher pork into you. And yes, pork is kosher if you're on the "The St. Paul Diet". I'm thinking I should move down to Florida where that Mitch Hedberg guy pulled out his wife terri's feeding tube. I heard she lost a lot of weight. I also heard that the situation caused a lot of fuss. Evidently, the Pope got all involved - and in a show of Solidaritet - got his own feeding tube. I really respect Bush for sending Janet Reno down there to pull that tube out of Terri Gonzalez. It took guts for him to stand up to the Pope like that.
You know, why is everybody trying to tell me what to do with my body. If I want to lose weight, that's my business. Their just fat-cells. I could understand stepping in if they were stem-cells or, G-D forbid, an embryo. I, myself, would kill anyone who tried to hurt a zygote. I'm even careful with my sperm. If I simply "have to" masturbate - I do it with a Priest who can deliver last rites to my seed. I mean, that's only common sense.
I guess there are a couple of reasons I want to lose weight. First off, I am tired of being labeled a "Fat American". Can't you Europeans see how hurtful that is? You just don't understand us. We have saved the world more times than Superman, yet you make comments about our thighs. You put the U.N. in New York city, the land of cheesecake and pizza by-the-slice, and then wonder why we're fat. Screw you!
The other reason I want to lose weight is to shape up before the wedding. That's right! I'm getting married! My other half (http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5da20b3127cce9150690f4a8000000016109AbtnDFy3au) is a Libertarian. He is not an Anarchist! Don't even get me started! His turn-ons include Winston Churchill(greatest leader of WWII) and reading the Bible. Although we are both Gay and getting married - we are both against Gay-Marriage. Our parents are making us get married cause living together is a sin. I feel a little weird about marrying a creationist, but he assures me that the Bible contains only Truth. He knows this because the word "Bible" is ancient Aramaic for FACTS. And before you Dan Rather types even start, ancient aramaic did have the bold font as well as superscript ths.
Well... I just don't know what to do about my feeding tube. I don't feel qualified to pull it out myself. That would be a positive action on my part that my liberal friends feel I should leave to the courts to decide. On the other hand, my conservative friends keep talking about my fat-cell's right to life. Sometimes it's very hard to make a decision when you are an inoffensive centrist. Although sometimes I think that both my Liberal and Conservative friends are being hypocritical. In fact, I get so worked up sometimes - that I accuse them all of hypocracy. I misspell hypocrisy on purpose, just to emphasize my frustration.
Well... the Pope is dead now... and so is Mitch Hedberg. They were both saints in my book. Troubled, imperfect saints - but saints nevertheless. I guess thy're gonna elect a new Pope now. Nostradamus predicted that the next Pope would be Jewish and the one after that would be the last. Since a Jewish Pope will only last about a month, we'll be on the Final Pope by the middle of May. I guess I will pull that feeding tube - I want to lose some weight and be trim for the Rapture.
I've been trying to lose weight, but it's hard when you have a feeding tube. Especially when that tube continuously pumps pureed kosher pork into you. And yes, pork is kosher if you're on the "The St. Paul Diet". I'm thinking I should move down to Florida where that Mitch Hedberg guy pulled out his wife terri's feeding tube. I heard she lost a lot of weight. I also heard that the situation caused a lot of fuss. Evidently, the Pope got all involved - and in a show of Solidaritet - got his own feeding tube. I really respect Bush for sending Janet Reno down there to pull that tube out of Terri Gonzalez. It took guts for him to stand up to the Pope like that.
You know, why is everybody trying to tell me what to do with my body. If I want to lose weight, that's my business. Their just fat-cells. I could understand stepping in if they were stem-cells or, G-D forbid, an embryo. I, myself, would kill anyone who tried to hurt a zygote. I'm even careful with my sperm. If I simply "have to" masturbate - I do it with a Priest who can deliver last rites to my seed. I mean, that's only common sense.
I guess there are a couple of reasons I want to lose weight. First off, I am tired of being labeled a "Fat American". Can't you Europeans see how hurtful that is? You just don't understand us. We have saved the world more times than Superman, yet you make comments about our thighs. You put the U.N. in New York city, the land of cheesecake and pizza by-the-slice, and then wonder why we're fat. Screw you!
The other reason I want to lose weight is to shape up before the wedding. That's right! I'm getting married! My other half (http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5da20b3127cce9150690f4a8000000016109AbtnDFy3au) is a Libertarian. He is not an Anarchist! Don't even get me started! His turn-ons include Winston Churchill(greatest leader of WWII) and reading the Bible. Although we are both Gay and getting married - we are both against Gay-Marriage. Our parents are making us get married cause living together is a sin. I feel a little weird about marrying a creationist, but he assures me that the Bible contains only Truth. He knows this because the word "Bible" is ancient Aramaic for FACTS. And before you Dan Rather types even start, ancient aramaic did have the bold font as well as superscript ths.
Well... I just don't know what to do about my feeding tube. I don't feel qualified to pull it out myself. That would be a positive action on my part that my liberal friends feel I should leave to the courts to decide. On the other hand, my conservative friends keep talking about my fat-cell's right to life. Sometimes it's very hard to make a decision when you are an inoffensive centrist. Although sometimes I think that both my Liberal and Conservative friends are being hypocritical. In fact, I get so worked up sometimes - that I accuse them all of hypocracy. I misspell hypocrisy on purpose, just to emphasize my frustration.
Well... the Pope is dead now... and so is Mitch Hedberg. They were both saints in my book. Troubled, imperfect saints - but saints nevertheless. I guess thy're gonna elect a new Pope now. Nostradamus predicted that the next Pope would be Jewish and the one after that would be the last. Since a Jewish Pope will only last about a month, we'll be on the Final Pope by the middle of May. I guess I will pull that feeding tube - I want to lose some weight and be trim for the Rapture.