The Internet Tough Guy
31-03-2005, 21:52
Tragedy has struck as comedian Mitch Hedberg died at the far too young age of 37.
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/entertainment/
april fools......
/still more important than the already dead lady
Sumamba Buwhan
31-03-2005, 22:16
Mitch Hedberg quotes. (seen in a friends LJ entry
"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."
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"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
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"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."
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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."
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"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
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"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling 'there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"
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"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, 'I really enjoy being here.' But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away.
"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
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"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."
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"When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."
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"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."
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"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
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"I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."
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"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard."
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"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."
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"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit."
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
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"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an escalator temporarily out of order' sign, just escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
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"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music.' As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."
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"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
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"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is of when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
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"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. 'Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic.' 'Dammit Otto, you have Lupis.' One of those two doesn't sound right."
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"I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a.m. and your a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, 'hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.'"
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"I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says 'let me have that,' you better give it to him. I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
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"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."
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"When you go a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy... they start a waiting list. They say 'Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two.' And if no one answers they'll say the name again, 'Dufrane, party of two.' But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. 'Bush party of three.' Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths... and they're hungry. That's a double whammy. 'We need help! Bush search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.'"
I have no idea who that was, and not a single one of those quotes made me laugh.
So, meh.
Sumamba Buwhan
31-03-2005, 22:38
omg are you even human?
more quotes:
"Acid is a great drug - it opened up my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margerine. I saw through the bullshit."
"That'd be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food, and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring, they could travel down to your stomach, and the carrot could say, 'It's cool, he's with me.' "
"My apartment is infested by koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. I turn on the lights, and a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, ya know? I'm like "come're little fella! Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.""
The Internet Tough Guy
31-03-2005, 22:40
http://www.vh1.com/news/articles/1499352/20050331/hedberg_mitch.jhtml?headlines=true
http://www.thelouisvillechannel.com/entertainment/4335246/detail.html
Sumamba Buwhan
31-03-2005, 22:46
from that first link:
Hedberg joked often about drug abuse, but in a recent interview, he said he'd given up smoking marijuana several years ago. "For 10 years, it was amazing, but then I had to give it up because it didn't feel as good," he said. "The audience thinks I'm stoned all the time and I have to write my material that way ... so sometimes, when they come up to me after a show and ask me to join them, I just tell them I'm an undercover cop."
hahah - RIP Mitch