NationStates Jolt Archive

there are a lot of threads on this forum about God this, God that, what God wants, &ct.

Most of them are acrimonious and resolve nothing.

Well, I have decided to take matters into my own capable hands; I am going to speak to God myself and find out what he/she/it really wants - you know the whole official policy on abortion/gayness/the Oprah Show &tc.

Naturally, I am able to do this because God being 'real' has a telephone, although the number isn't listed, just like Tom Cruise.

I'll report back once I have the skinny. In the meantime feel free to speculate on the results. (In other words business as usual).

Good luck with that.

Ask him if he can get me free stuff*

*i love free stuff

Wow the long distance charges to heaven will probably be killer. Best of luck.

Can you here me now?

"We're sorry, but the number you have dialed is no longer in service."

I'd like to talk to him, to see if he exists or not...

Can you give me his number when you find it? I've got a few issues I'd like to nut out with the Almighty

I talked to God in a dream once, though i can tell without needing that expirience God wouldn't tell us directly He exsisted and blahblahblah.

Who would want that attention? Do you know how much crap God would have to put up with if we knew for a fact that He exsisted?

If you knew something wasn't within God's power you'd rebel and go haywire ultimatly destroying yourself like Satan did. Cause you are inheritly ignorant. (A Buddhism idea of sin.)

If you knew stuff were in God's abilities and He just refused to do it for whatever reason He may have, you couldn't live with it and would ultimate destroy yourself. (Attatchment/Desire, another Buddhism sin.)

I'm not really Buddhist but the ideas make alot of sense, and from what I got out of God there's alot of Taoism involved in it all as well..

Stop worrying about God and worry about yourself. God either is not going to help you or is already working out His grand scheme, it's just that simple.

I'm available for an interview right now, if you want.

Ive tried calling Gods 'many' numbers that are supposedly known. I didnt get an answer.

Can you here me now?

and

can you hear me now?

hehe

Damn, I was hoping for a parody of the VoteEarly thread "My Revelation".

there are a lot of threads on this forum about God this, God that, what God wants, &ct.

Most of them are acrimonious and resolve nothing.

Well, I have decided to take matters into my own capable hands; I am going to speak to God myself and find out what he/she/it really wants - you know the whole official policy on abortion/gayness/the Oprah Show &tc.

Naturally, I am able to do this because God being 'real' has a telephone, although the number isn't listed, just like Tom Cruise.

I'll report back once I have the skinny. In the meantime feel free to speculate on the results. (In other words business as usual).
No you will not! I am quite definitely here as a representative of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries and Other Thinking Persons, and I want you to stay off that phone!

You just let yourself get on with posting in the forums and we'll take care of the eternal verities thank you very much. You want to check your legal position you do mate. Under law the Quest for Ultimate Truth is quite clearly the inalienable prerogative of your working thinkers. Anyone who goes and actually chats with God and we're straight out of a job aren't we? I mean what's the use of our sitting up half the night arguing that there may or may not be a God if you go and give us his bleeding phone number the next morning?

...unless you can arrange things so that the chat will take a little while to finish? Say, seven-and-a-half million years?

--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester

<snip>

...unless you can arrange things so that the chat will take a little while to finish? Say, seven-and-a-half million years?

--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester

If God's Helpline is anything like my IT provider's Helpline, I think call waiting time alone should take care of that time issue.

http://www.400monkeys.com/God/index.html

"Wow the long distance charges to heaven will probably be killer. Best of luck. "

...go with one of them long distance carriers that has unlimited long distance calling, or one of those "in" things, afterall, god IS everyone's friend.

And if you do get a hold of him, try to find out what Jesus gives him for Father's Day after 2,000 years of ties...

Okay, I am back.

I could have chatted with God for longer, but he wanted to watch Eye-witness news. (He likes Diana Williams apparently). He said if I had anymore questions, I can call him back, but not until after south-park.

I suppose the biggest revelation is that I can now definitively report God is a he. There is a Mrs. God, but she was doing the ironing so I didn't have a chance to speak with her. Also she didn't have anything to do with the creation of the universe. (Apparently she reckons God should spend more time on the garden and less with his hobbies).

Haven't you ever seen Dogma (Jay and Silent Bob, Chris Rock, etc.)? The sound of God's voice will make your head explode.

Haven't you ever seen Dogma (Jay and Silent Bob, Chris Rock, etc.)? The sound of God's voice will make your head explode.


I hardly think so. (C'mon they even had God as an ugly woman; he's still a little miffed about that, but then that's why Kevin Smith's career has collapsed).

I hardly think so. (C'mon they even had God as an ugly woman; he's still a little miffed about that, but then that's why Kevin Smith's career has collapsed).
Kevin Smith rules..

Pshhht most people who have seen God have abhored themselves. Some ancients with dust in ashes. Some have even become insane, to other people. It's like crossing an event horizon and not being able to go back.

Haven't you ever seen Dogma (Jay and Silent Bob, Chris Rock, etc.)? The sound of God's voice will make your head explode.
thats why its a good thing he was talking on the phone. it REPRODUCES sound eh?

Pshhht most people who have seen God have abhored themselves. Some ancients with dust in ashes. Some have even become insane, to other people. It's like crossing an event horizon and not being able to go back.


God told me that's because they are a bunch of fat liars, who he has never once spoken to. To bolster their silly claims they pretend it was "awesome."

Honestly, do you think God would make something that broke every time he looked at it. Credit him, if not yourself, with some sense.

(Incidently, God winters in Vegas, - it pleases him - so he can hardly have that kind of effect on people now, can he?)

jkdlfjdlskfjlkdjfdISMELLkldjflksflksdfjsd


SINNERS! BLASHMEPOUS BASTARDS! HOW DARE YE TRY TO CONTACT THE MOST REVERED ONE!

he'll smite you all for telemarketing him.

The lindbergs were to be the next Abraham and Sara but they didnt listen to god so god killed their baby! (issac!)

This shall be lesson to all. Quoth me...that is my sermon.

)end transmission(

Well ... say "Hey" for me and drop a reminder about the barbecue this weekend ... potato salad was promised.

Okay, I am back.

I could have chatted with God for longer, but he wanted to watch Eye-witness news. (He likes Diana Williams apparently). He said if I had anymore questions, I can call him back, but not until after south-park.

I suppose the biggest revelation is that I can now definitively report God is a he. There is a Mrs. God, but she was doing the ironing so I didn't have a chance to speak with her. Also she didn't have anything to do with the creation of the universe. (Apparently she reckons God should spend more time on the garden and less with his hobbies).
Cool. Does he have a cute daughter? :fluffle:

My only experiences with God have been bad...he kept prank calling me one night...not even original...just the usual heavy breathing stuff...randomly hanging up...oi.

Pshhht most people who have seen God have abhored themselves. Some ancients with dust in ashes. Some have even become insane, to other people. It's like crossing an event horizon and not being able to go back.


You hit the nail right on the head, though you have the causative relationship backwards.

I talked to God in a dream once, though i can tell without needing that expirience God wouldn't tell us directly He exsisted and blahblahblah.


What did you look like for you?

What did you look like for you?

I asked him that. He said that he looks like an old dude in a big white robe with a big white beard.

Unless he's in vegas, then he doesn't have the beard, and wears a leisure suit.

I didn't dare ask him if Mrs. God is a fox. He might have smote me.

No you will not! I am quite definitely here as a representative of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries and Other Thinking Persons, and I want you to stay off that phone!

You just let yourself get on with posting in the forums and we'll take care of the eternal verities thank you very much. You want to check your legal position you do mate. Under law the Quest for Ultimate Truth is quite clearly the inalienable prerogative of your working thinkers. Anyone who goes and actually chats with God and we're straight out of a job aren't we? I mean what's the use of our sitting up half the night arguing that there may or may not be a God if you go and give us his bleeding phone number the next morning?

...unless you can arrange things so that the chat will take a little while to finish? Say, seven-and-a-half million years?

--The Jovial States of Cogitation
"Laugh about it for a moment."
NationStates Self-Proclaimed Court Jester
Excuse me, I am J.J. McAbergoethy, God's personal lawyer. God wants to speak with you...in court.
*hands Cognition a court order*

Everybody knows that God's number is unlisted. Fortunately, I have it in my rolodex.

*thumbs through rolodex...* Uh...aha! Here it is! *accidentally drops rolodex in the toilet* Ah, crap! :(

Teh Worst pun evar.

Everybody knows that God's number is unlisted. Fortunately, I have it in my rolodex.

*thumbs through rolodex...* Uh...aha! Here it is! *accidentally drops rolodex in the toilet* Ah, crap! :(
Its 867-5309.

Its 867-5309.

What about the area code?

Its 867-5309.

:rolleyes: Yes. I know that. But what's the area code?

Sorry, God, is not availible right now, please leave a message after the tone. Beeeeeeeep.

Hell if I know. :confused:

Sorry, God, is not availible right now, please leave a message after the tone. Beeeeeeeep.

As he told me before, if you want to talk on the phone with him, wait until after south park.

As I waited for the page to load, I crossed my fingers and thought with glee, 'Please be another radical Christian post by VoteEarly!'

But alas, my dreams were crushed. :(

there are a lot of threads on this forum about God this, God that, what God wants, &ct.

Most of them are acrimonious and resolve nothing.

Well, I have decided to take matters into my own capable hands; I am going to speak to God myself and find out what he/she/it really wants - you know the whole official policy on abortion/gayness/the Oprah Show &tc.

Naturally, I am able to do this because God being 'real' has a telephone, although the number isn't listed, just like Tom Cruise.

I'll report back once I have the skinny. In the meantime feel free to speculate on the results. (In other words business as usual).

Sounds sort of like the premise for a comedy movie... I'm thinking a Wes Anderson film. You know, the maker of Royal Tenenbaums and Life Aquatic.

Pshhht most people who have seen God have abhored themselves. Some ancients with dust in ashes. Some have even become insane, to other people. It's like crossing an event horizon and not being able to go back.
Thinking on that post it might be one of the reasons for the fear of death most people have almost automatically in thier minds.

"I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.
You asked, 'Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Listen, please, and let me speak; You said, 'I will question you, and you shall answer Me.'
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You.
Therefore I abhor myself, And repent in dust and ashes."

-Job 41 after he had seen God.


I lifted my eyes and looked, and behold, a certain man clothed in linen, whose waist was girded with gold of Uphaz!
His body was like beryl, his face like the appearance of lightning, his eyes like torches of fire, his arms and feet like burnished bronze in color, and the sound of his words like the voice of a multitude.
And I, Daniel, alone saw the vision, for the men who were with me did not see the vision; but a great terror fell upon them, so that they fled to hide themselves.
Therefore I was left alone when I saw this great vision, and no strength remained in me; for my vigor was turned to frailty in me, and I retained no strength.
Yet I heard the sound of his words; and while I heard the sound of his words I was in a deep sleep on my face, with my face to the ground.

Daniel 10

I just had lunch with Him. He said He is having your calls screened from now on.

Oh, and the area code is 777, of course.

P. S. Mrs. Weh is very attractive. That's all I am allowed to say.

I expect that God's number is engaged; there are probably two million other souls attempting to get enlightened over their 'phone.

I just had lunch with Him. He said He is having your calls screened from now on.

Oh, and the area code is 777, of course.

P. S. Mrs. Weh is very attractive. That's all I am allowed to say.
Or is it 999? Um, no, that's the number for the British emergency service... ah well. The thing is, 999 is 666 turned on its head, like a number tipped on its side becomes infinity, the greatest non-number ever. So the sign of the devil becomes the area code for God.

bump for no particular reason...

Wait a minute, I've got the perfect reason!

I bumped because... (drum roll) God made me do it!

...unless you can arrange things so that the chat will take a little while to finish? Say, seven-and-a-half million years?


Is that a HHGG refernce?

Originally posted by Random Kingdom
The thing is, 999 is 666 turned on its head [. . .]
Little amusing fact: While the area code of my church is something inconsequential, the first three digits of the actual number are '666.' I have actually overheard people in other parts of town (grocery store, restaurant, etc.) say that it might be a sign that we are from the devil.

Of course, (gasp) maybe I AM! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :rolleyes:

lol!