NationStates Jolt Archive

I just wrote two poems that i am considering entering into my state contest. I was wondering if you poetry fiends could give me some criticism oh my poems. Good and Bad. Anything would help! THanks Guys!


"Aaron Burr Waz Here"

I lived in a land known as Idaho
Muuu Tart, Muuu Tart
Where everything tasted like pistachio
Cookies, Ice cream, cake

When the time had come
I left for college
Where? To the land of sugar plum
Midwest, Great Lakes, dairy

They found out about the trial
Whipped my cool with a .45
Ho! Out runneth my bile
Green, acidy, liver dwelling

Six feet under I lie
The cool earth
I long for the taste of pistachio pie
Emo Emo Emo

and now number two-----



"New York Hotdog"

DEPRESSION-----ANGST!
LONELY
wolf
BEER-FLOWERS-MONEY
DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH
TEENAGER
FEEL SORRY FOR ME BECAUSE I CRY
SOB
flip
BOS
BOSTON OPERA STUDIO

I like the second...very...random


If you want a serious litarary critique I can pull out my Yin/Yang aspects and give you an in-depth look....

The first one is very good.

thanks guys

the second one rocked. Reminded me of Langston Hughs' "Grasshopper" ahahah that was excellent, allthough I hate the new crap that doesn't conform to traditional poetry, I bow to your excellence in that second poem. here is some of mine:

~On my way to school~
I almost cried this day
On my way to school
My first sip
My first drink
Oh sweet Red Goat
-----------------------

I took my leave, oh yes I did.
I said, "I have had to much, goodbye."
Never to see her again
I walked in sorrow.
selah
Spring break came
and I said, "I must with hold my desire,
Everyone starts somewhere."
So I cried everyday,
as I saw her waste away.
selah
But take heart for Spring Break is over!
I drank her in the morning,
I drank her in the afternoon,
Evening came, and I shall drink again!
selah
Some mourn for me,
"When will that child settle down and marry?"
But to them I say,"I am in love with someone."
"Who? Who? Dear boy?"
And to that I say, "Red Goat."
~An Ode to Red Goat~


Now i will give you the information you should have had in the beginning. Red Goat is a kind of coffee brewed in Alaska. I decided to stop drinking it for a while, and when spring break came I decided to not drink it that whole week. And now a haiku someone made of my decision:
~A Haiku to Red Goat~
Too much is not good.
I dial back for spring break.
Break done - coffee please.

What? I can't believe the two of you! The first one is much better than the second! The second does not affect me at all, the first one is much more effective.

Are you kidding me, sure the first one is very good and it grabs my attention. But I feel PART of the second one. While my emotions are touched in the first one. The second one actually takes me and makes me a part of it..somehow.

i really cant thank you guys enough. You are all such a gerat help!

Are you kidding me, sure the first one is very good and it grabs my attention. But I feel PART of the second one. While my emotions are touched in the first one. The second one actually takes me and makes me a part of it..somehow.

The second one has no real meaning to me, possibly because I'm not an American and thus have never been to NY. There must be some meaning that I as a foreigner do not get, some symbolism or implications that I don't know because to me it just seems like random words, vaguely connected in some way. :confused:

[edit]The first one I identified with because even though I didn't know who he was, or much about where he was from I identified with his longing to go home and the things that comfort us there. I think the longing to go home is a universal feeling that is understood by everyone.

The second one has no real meaning to me, possibly because I'm not an American and thus have never been to NY. There must be some meaning that I as a foreigner do not get, some symbolism or implications that I don't know because to me it just seems like random words, vaguely connected in some way. :confused:

Well, NY is a 24/7 city, always awake and alive. I was gonna point out what I see in everything he said, but decided not to butcher his poetry.

True, I agree with your edit. But for some reason I felt the second one was telling the story of what New York can be like...I dunno maybe I am just super tired.

IMO, the first one is far superior to the second, but I prefer structure and rhyme in poetry. I see free verse as a seperate conceptual thing from poetry. Both are quite dark in terms of content and offer little to the reader other than to provide an additional sense of being burdened by your angst. I realize this is the fad in poetry at the present time, but if you'd like a different perspective on poetry from several fine, accomplished and published poets I suggest you visit a poetry forum. Particularly, www.belvederepoets.com (http://). And I'd recommend specifically suggest running those by a guy that goes by "Detenebrator" on that site.

If you're in a fight
And the odds aren't fair
Don't look for me
I won't be there

bump over the chair
bump here, bump there, bump er'where
hark, le bump es fin

Two angels
lost in the world
separated by distance
together on one quest

A quest of the heart
the quest of the heart
a quest for bliss
a crusade towards love

But an endless crusade
it seems to be
endless, where so many before
have reached the end

But us two angels
go on and on
our journey is sad
and it is our writings
that keep us strong