NationStates Jolt Archive

For the past couple weeks my bf and I have been arguing a lot (long distance relationship combined with excessive school work means we don't get to spend much time together)

And now he's just being an ass. It's one thing when he gets all pissy when I go out to a friend's house on weekends I can't come home because of work or schoolwork. It's an entirely other matter when he gets mad at me when I attend a potluck lunch at school and thus arrive home two hours late.

I'm not one to make snap decisions, but what the fuck? I'm really wondering if this is even worth it.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v488/frisbeeteria/merged.jpg

You're in school. You're in a transient stage of your life. Maybe you'll end up in Maine, maybe Texas. Who's to say where your life is going? As such, permanent plans, such as potential spouses, shouldn't be your highest priority right now. Things aren't working out? Dump him, you shouldn't be in any rush to find someone.

I somehow doubt I'll be going to Maine or Texas. I would prefer to stay in Canada... I like it here. If anything, I could see myself moving out to BC.

I'm also not sure if it's just the distance that's screwing things up. I'm almost done school for the year so soon we'll be able to see each other a lot more.

For the past couple weeks my bf and I have been arguing a lot (long distance relationship combined with excessive school work means we don't get to spend much time together)

And now he's just being an ass. It's one thing when he gets all pissy when I go out to a friend's house on weekends I can't come home because of work or schoolwork (which is stupid in itself). It's an entirely other matter when he gets mad at me when I attend a potluck lunch at school and thus arrive home two hours late.

I'm not one to make snap decisions, but what the fuck? I'm really wondering if this is even worth it.
But you DO like double posting threads. :)

But you DO like double posting threads. :)
It said page not found. I thought it didn't work.

I somehow doubt I'll be going to Maine or Texas. I would prefer to stay in Canada... I like it here. If anything, I could see myself moving out to BC.

I'm also not sure if it's just the distance that's screwing things up. I'm almost done school for the year so soon we'll be able to see each other a lot more.
Sorry, assumed you were one of us, which I know you all hate. But the point is that before you have a profession, you can't say where you're going to spend any great deal of time. A lot of your life isn't under your control for many, many years. So I wouldn't sweat one bad boyfriend.

Bleh, having similar issues. :( Tis not fun, is it, when someone you care about suddenly throws you for a loop.

The best advice is to talk to him about it, I suppose. Ask him what's going on. It might be that he's got something stressful going on right now, or that he's jealous about something. Especially if he's never acted like this before. Talking often helps.

And if it doesn't get better...well. Not much you can do, I suppose. Make sure you're thinking clearly, and make your decision. I hope it works out for the best...

As Dan Savage, of Savage Love (http://www.thestranger.com/archive/savage.html) [Link possibly NSFW because of somewhat sexual language] fame, would say: DTMFA! Dump The Motherfucker already. You have a life apart from him - if he can't accept that, then you need not to accept him.

As Dan Savage, of Savage Love fame, would say: DTMFA! Dump The Motherfucker already. You have a life apart from him - if he can't accept that, then you need not to accept him.

I couldn't agree more. He seems like a very selfish person, so dump his sorry ass.

Apparantly he wasn't mad about me going to lunch, he just managed to phrase something in a way that made him sound mad.

he shouldnt be getting pissy over you going out with friends when you cant be with him. (as long as its not a man friend)

has he always done that?

if he has a history of being controlling, (think about it maybe he has always been this way), then you will probably have to let him go

if this is indeed recent, HE may be the one who is misbehaving while you are apart. its pretty common for a "cheater" (not that im suggesting he has gone
farther than he should) to project their guilt onto the unoffending partner.

no need to dump him immediately eh? tell him firmly to back off, this controlling behavior has to stop and see if its just temporary. reassure him of your eternal fondness for him and check up on him to see that he isnt keeping company with another woman while you are away.

I'd have to suggest you consider it rather more carefully than simply 'Dump his sorry ass', but that's just me.

Mainly I would say this because I tend to assume that a long-distance relationship is one you're not going to enter into as rapidly as a relationship with a local person - it will be more considered because there will be greater difficulties and less (Oftentimes much less) in immediate rewards. I've not been in a long distance relationship for 16 months out of any belief of the ease or simplicity of the affair. I would advise you to give him a chance to at least explain his side, because if my girlfriend hadn't done that, I'd be single right now. Sometimes people are assholes, and sometimes they continue to be even when they know they are - but if you hold him to account, then maybe he will change.

Thing is, I can appreciate his side of it. I don't get to talk to my girl that much, and I do harbor resentment if our time is reduced further. If the cause of that is something she has chosen to do, then the resentment comes to be placed on her (Though I've long since learnt most of what constitutes actual fair feelings of being slighted, I would suggest your young man has not.).

I just don't think relationships should be ended hastily. I think he deserves a chance, is all. Tell him how you're feeling; heck, link him to this thread. If he's enough to be worth a long-distance, minimal-contact relationship, then I would qualify him as being enough to be worth a reasonable shot at making up for his errors.

he shouldnt be getting pissy over you going out with friends when you cant be with him. (as long as its not a man friend)
I have very few female friends... Usually I spend time with male friends. I see no reason why it should be upsetting either way. Hell, I'm bi-curious, either way there would be issues.

has he always done that?

if he has a history of being controlling, (think about it maybe he has always been this way), then you will probably have to let him go

if this is indeed recent, HE may be the one who is misbehaving while you are apart. its pretty common for a "cheater" (not that im suggesting he has gone
farther than he should) to project their guilt onto the unoffending partner.

no need to dump him immediately eh? tell him firmly to back off, this controlling behavior has to stop and see if its just temporary. reassure him of your eternal fondness for him and check up on him to see that he isnt keeping company with another woman while you are away.
I don't see a need to check up on him, he wouldn't do something like that... I trust him. That tends to be an important aspect of a relationship.

He has always been a touch insecure, but lately it's been worse, I think it's because he's been unemployed lately. I have been asking him about his resume and job hunt. I don't want to nag him, I just want to get him back to work so he feels good about himself again. I know he doesn't like sitting around the house doing nothing all day.

Sometimes people are assholes, and sometimes they continue to be even when they know they are - but if you hold him to account, then maybe he will change.

Thing is, I can appreciate his side of it. I don't get to talk to my girl that much, and I do harbor resentment if our time is reduced further. If the cause of that is something she has chosen to do, then the resentment comes to be placed on her (Though I've long since learnt most of what constitutes actual fair feelings of being slighted, I would suggest your young man has not.).
Could you clarify here?
What do you mean by holding him to account? And how did you learn not to resent how she spends her time?
Generally I can't see him because I do have school work or I have to work at my job... it's not like I tend to ditch him because I dont' want to see him or anything.

I have very few female friends... Usually I spend time with male friends. I see no reason why it should be upsetting either way. Hell, I'm bi-curious, either way there would be issues.


I don't see a need to check up on him, he wouldn't do something like that... I trust him. That tends to be an important aspect of a relationship.

He has always been a touch insecure, but lately it's been worse, I think it's because he's been unemployed lately. I have been asking him about his resume and job hunt. I don't want to nag him, I just want to get him back to work so he feels good about himself again. I know he doesn't like sitting around the house doing nothing all day.
are you thinking he may be doing that man-thing and feeling that since he isnt a "breadwinner" youll dump his sorry ass and find someone who has a great job?

men can be stupid like that.

but if he is has always been pissy over what you do when you CANT be with him, you should be worried about his controlling behavior. that doesnt get better.

otherwise just put it down to a bad patch. relationships arent great EVERY day. if its been good for a long time, let it ride. see if it improves. its not like you need to be in a rush to dump him and find someone else eh?

No, I don't think he's got breadwinner issues. It's just that he's not the kind of person who can tolerate feeling useless. He isn't doing much at all lately, he got injured on the job and then fired (well, his contract had already expired... the injury just brought that fact to light) and due to his injury, he couldn't look for a job for a while, so he kind of got himself into a bit of a rut.
I know that he enjoys working (even if he complains about it) and being productive. Lately he hasn't been doing that so much. I think if he gets out and gets a job and works, then he'll feel better.

And yeah, I'm not really in a rush to do anything. Sometimes i feel like I've had enough and am fed up with it though.

If ya ain't married, it don't count. Live your life, have fun, do your thing. He can't tell you who to sock it to.

your a HORRIBLE GIRLFRIEND!

Could you clarify here?
What do you mean by holding him to account? And how did you learn not to resent how she spends her time?
Generally I can't see him because I do have school work or I have to work at my job... it's not like I tend to ditch him because I dont' want to see him or anything.

Well I mean, just point out that he's not being very conductive to the relationship at this point. Seems from what else you're saying that he has at least a halfway decent reason for not being the sprightliest bunny, but that's still not a great reason to take it out on you. Though I must confess, 'you always hurt the ones you love' is more apt than it is sometimes given credit for; people tend to complain about things to those they know will listen and care, and it can easily be interpreted badly, or put across badly, or both.

I learnt not to resent how she spends her time through realizing that I could either A) Be pissed, and lose her or B) Shrug, suck it up, and get on with things, at least in part. I don't like it necessarily, but it's better than the alternative. More than that though, I learnt (Still am learning, if I'm candid.) to bite my tongue if she did anything which chafed me, because it'd usually look different in the morning. (Having said that I remain prone to immediate reactions at times =/) And having done that, I can now actually focus attention on things which I feel are valid points for us to discuss our disagreements on.

Don't expect miracles, changes rarely happen overnight, but they can certainly be engendered.

DUMP HIM... his jealousy is a projection of his own infidelity or desire for infidelity or frustrated infidelity...


What?! It's obvious

It could also be that in his own personal universe, your going out means you are looking for a new boyfriend. It doesn't necessarily mean he is a cheater or wants to be, only that in his own family or social experience the expected thing would be for you to sit at home, contented with knowing that you have a boyfriend even if you don't actually get to jump on him. This is a silly expectation but it may be the case. Only way to know is to talk to him about it.