NationStates Jolt Archive

I have recently started writing poetry, and am asking people to critique them. Please read some of them and tell me what you think.....

http://www.poetry.com/Publications/search.asp

type Branin into the first box, and Joel K into the second, multiple lists will come up, but they are all me.

Please tell me what you favorite one is, and your least favorite.

Nobody likes me :(
*sniff*

I have recently started writing poetry, and am asking people to critique them. Please read some of them and tell me what you think.....

http://www.poetry.com/Publications/search.asp

type Branin into the first box, and Joel K into the second

Please tell me what you favorite one is, and your least favorite.

Okay for one, don't post on poetry.com, its a big scam website that doesn't deserve anyones writing. Put them on deviantart and then ask again.

I rather liked the one entitled "Big Sister", myself. I can't really pick a worst one.

Okay for one, don't post on poetry.com, its a big scam website that doesn't deserve anyones writing. Put them on deviantart and then ask again.
Hey, it's free hosting. That's all I ask.

I rather liked the one entitled "Big Sister", myself. I can't really pick a worst one.
Why thank-you.

Can't say I hated any of them. 'Big Sister" made me think you should grow at nutsack however.

bump

Hey, it's free hosting. That's all I ask.
No, Poetry.com really is a massive scam.

Nobody likes me :(
*sniff*


nice poems i like :D

Decent poetry...a little shallow though. Think deeper when you write. Many poets can write about things on the surface. You owe it to yourself to be different.

I like the "Why Am I Treying to Be a Poet" one. That hit home. How I try to be creative to express myself but fail. In fact, I wrote a short story about the same thing.

not bad. But i suggest u lay low on the rhyming verses and get into the peoms with hidden metaphors and secret meanings. Kind of like a story that explains it all in a few sentences.
or atleast that is what i like

They're pretty nice. If I had to make a suggestion, it would be laying off the "pretty" factor--less rhymes and little couplets, and try to put some deeper meaning into the body of the poem. Literary devices are your friend. (that is, if you haven't already--I may have just missed it--I don't really have the mind for finding those sorts of structures :headbang: )

Sorry, I only do the criticism bit. Compliments don't like me. =/

Edit: Oh crap, I totally didn't see your post, Garabedian. Didn't mean to copy you in the least. Quite sorry.

(that is, if you haven't already--I may have just missed it--I don't really have the mind for finding those sorts of structures :headbang: )

You didn't miss to much. There aren't many.

The poem "Why am I trying to be a poet" (http://www.poetry.com/Publications/display.asp?ID=P6826532&BN=999&PN=2) sums up how I feel about my writing. And so far seems to sum up how other people do to :p

You didn't miss to much. There aren't many.

The poem "Why am I trying to be a poet" (http://www.poetry.com/Publications/display.asp?ID=P6826532&BN=999&PN=2) sums up how I feel about my writing. And so far seems to sum up how other people do to :p
Yeah, I got the "BRITTNEY LEE" thing in that one poem--grar, forget the name. But you gotta go deeper. Work with enjambment, alliteration, metaphors, etc. to give it more meaning.

Wow...that's quite a talent you have there.

I had a couple fo favourites. Blind I loved. I liked the way you point out your own shortcomings in that. Words Unspoken was also really good. I'd like to have seen it go a little deeper, in as much as how the words seem so significant for you, yet actions can say so much more.

To Not End There was brilliant, sad, but light and accessable. It didn't go on for ages, it doesn't drag the reader thru verse after verse...it was succint and moving.

Why Am I Trying seemed to cheat me rhythmically. I like a good, rounded balance to my poetry. Your shorter stuff seems to attempt the punchiness of the message, but I really prefered the depth that you had with your longer poems.

Bloodthirst

Killing stuff is great
the blood all over the place
listening to their screams and moans
bang bang bang
oh the animal pain

Im still working on it, its a bit rough I know.

I really liked Big Sister and Betrayal and Words Unspoken... The others were ok but they were my faves congrats theyr cool :)

Thanks every body. Thanks for the compliments, and thanks for the crituques. Both are useful.

Poetry Free For All (http://www.everypoet.org/pffa)
This is a great site for poetry. Only if you want criticsm though and truly want to improve. It's a workshop and offers honest advice and they really know what they're talking about. Before you even consider joining, read the blurbs.

Blurbs Of Wisdom (http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?t=9967)

The blurbs are also fantastic for just reading over and giving you a whole new perspective (as well as loads of incredibly great advice) on poetry.

If you want my honest opinion on your poems here are a few things I'd mention:

-spelling. I noticed some mistakes and while it's a small thing to pick at, it really makes a difference and shows little respect for your work if you can't bother to spell check.

-cliches. There were a few cliches in there. They're easy to use but if you want to write memorable work you need to use fresh ideas and images.

-writer orientated. Often your writing is focused on expressing yourself and while that's a great thing about poetry, if you're writing to be read by other people you need to focus more on making the poetry interesting for the reader by using description and images to help the reader experience what you're trying to write about.

-rhyme. Personally I'd reccomend leaving rhyme until you've cleared up other stuff in your writing because often people can focus on the rhyme when they should be focusing on the actual poem. Also some of it came across as rather forced in which case you are much better off without rhyme until you can use it in a way that works really really well.

-abstractions. These are basically things that don't really add to the poem. Often my advice is to focus on an event or image or movement or aspect of someone and enlarge on that. Look at your poems and take one distinct line and write about. When writing love poetry describe the unique characteristics of that person because it helps us see her how you do.

Hopefully you don't find that harsh and instead can use it to improve your writing.

Take care xxx

everybody should post their poems here so we dont have to bother leaving this site

Shooting.

Oh the thrill of blasting an animals head off
early in the morning
Then bacon an eggs plus barby sauce on a roll
Then off for a drive with ya mates to blast some more animals
guzzling beer and laughing our tits off
wipin the barby sauce off our face
Redneck heaven, yay! bash some poofs up today
Drink some rum
Then go shooting at night with spotlights
Shooting the animals bang bang bang
blood the young dogs with terrorised rabbits
Oh the fun!

I've used that site before! Heres the two poems I have published on there:

http://www.poetry.com/Publications/display.asp?ID=P5632385&BN=999&PN=1

http://www.poetry.com/Publications/display.asp?ID=P5285590&BN=999&PN=1

Good job, these are personal poems written for fun and I dont really think they need a critique, if you enjoy it keep it up. When you publish a book or if you intend to, then you should ask for criticism but otherwise just write whatever feels right at the time and dont worry about what anyone else thinks. Oh and thanks for sharing them, I know it takes a little courage...

Kangaroo

Drivin through the paddock
lookin for some roos to knock
my cuz gets one on the bound
a clean headshot, legs kickin in the air
my shot, goes wild
and takes one in the guts
dam, were outa bullets
So killed it with a blunt end
of a small axe to the temple
whack whack whack!
The whimpering stops
and her eyes roll back
Food for the dogs
One quarter each
Their noses covered in blood
the sun disapears through the trees
as we scull beer after beer
and laugh about the day.

First of all, I'm proud of you all for not feeding the troll. Second of all, Branin, Poetry.com IS a big scam, and what's worse it is not firefox compatible. Hence, you're not getting my critique. (I'm sure you wouldn't want it anyway, as I find that about 80% of all poetry is so utterly horrible that I find it painful to read it, and from the other comments I've read in this thread I think that it might be hard for me to put you in that top 20%. But who knows.) Text is so incredibly tiny, you should be able to host it anywhere. Doesn't your ISP give you a little space?

Shotgunnin

Drinkin beer is great
especially with ya mates
but shotgunnin cans
rules them all by far
one VB down in two n a half secs
three more
an Im on the floor
get picked up by
Scotty and Phil
Drive off to the bush
to shotgun some birds.
Boom boom boom
Blood guts n feathers
then I pass out after
a hugest big spew.

I'm not trying to be too harsh, although I may well be succeeding, but I would have to say that I can't really see anything to your poems. They don't amount to anything technically, the language is banal and cliched, and the emotions, whilst doubtless true, aren't used to say anything. There's no message, no analysis, no effect. Just writing what you feel isn't poetry. And try fictionpress: you'll get much more feedback there.

I call it minimalist poetry, Im just presenting experiences as they happenned with no explanation or reason, or thoughts, this is too subtley bring along my own thoughts on the subjects and why I done what I did.
If anyones offended then I am truly sorry

Slaughtering a family of birds.

Walking through the paddock
in the early mornin sunshine
bored off my skull
with my .222
when suddenly
I hear in the stillness

tweet tweet tweet

I excitedly slip off the safety
and aim
blam blam blam!
All dead except mother bird abit dazed
reload Blam!
Ive massacred a whole family of birds!
Back to the house for scrambled eggs and coffee
and a well deserved snooze.

Ringrot, please start your own thread to post these.

Yeah well no one else is contributing much, at least Im trying.
Im working on one about a maggoted infested sheep I saw drinking out of a creek, I shot it. I should have it up soon, just a little fine tuning and it will be ready.

Narcissism I can forgive -- I'd put your age at somewhere between 16 and 20 -- and self-based poetry is essentially a phase anyone who tries their hand at verse goes through. God knows I sure did. And my poems were really hard for anyone else to like. What I learned to do was whenever I felt like writing something about my own life, I tried to eject myself from first person and describe the experience as a narrator or other observer, or even as the other person involved in whatever unpleasantness was happening. Much more interesting, plus it forces you to think in different ways -- often the key to overcoming trauma.

I can't remember who wrote it, but this quote is really spot-on: "Divorce is the leading cause of bad adolescent poetry."

That said, your introspection is a good start. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but lay off the obsessive rhymes and the cliches. It's so easy to use them because we seem to store them in out memories, often against our will.

Also, if it's true that you are what you eat, then in poetry, for teh most part, you are what you read. There are legions of faux poets out there who have read little or no poetry whatosever. I maintain that's a lot like trying to be an improvising jazz player/singer without having ever listened to anyone play. Reading others opens up your mind, develops your tastes, and introduces you to ideas you might never have come across on your own. Take this elegantly simple Japanese poem by Fujiwara No Kiyosuki:

"I may live on until
I long for this time
In which I am so unhappy,
And remember it fondly."

It says the most by saying the least. Compare this to any poem you've ever read about overcoming a low point in life. Chances are, they're not nearly as succinct. However, not everyone digs brevity. The point is, there's a lot of ways to express yourself with words and meter -- explore them.

Best wishes!