NationStates Jolt Archive

Good idea or disaster waiting to happen?

Good idea or disaster waiting to happen?
it worked for me for many years, never had a problem with it. my current romance began as "friends with benefits" (a system we used for over a year) and is now approaching 4 years of monogamous partnership. as long as both parties involved are clear on the status of the relationship, it's fine and dandy.

it worked for me for many years, never had a problem with it. my current romance began as "friends with benefits" (a system we used for over a year) and is now approaching 4 years of monogamous partnership. as long as both parties involved are clear on the status of the relationship, it's fine and dandy.
How far did you go, exactly, as friends with benefits? And at any stage, did your friendship start to get "weird"? Sorry for the interrogation, but I don't want to ruin any friendships.

Good idea or disaster waiting to happen?
Is it with a girl? Because that's disaster waiting to happen

Disaster waiting to happen.

Many tears and recriminations.

Friends no more.

How far did you go, exactly, as friends with benefits? And at any stage, did your friendship start to get "weird"? Sorry for the interrogation, but I don't want to ruin any friendships.
until my current relationship, i never had dated formally. i had sexual partners, both male and female, but they were always people who i was friends with yet not dating. i've never ruined a friendship in this way, and i still enjoy talking with and hanging out with former "benefit buddies." said benefits sometimes were restricted to making out, but often went further (oral sex or sexual intercourse).

the way i thought about it, there are two big parts to "romantic" relationships that need serious thought: the emotional side, and the physical side. love is a big deal and sex is a big deal. i am not a terribly bright person, so having to figure out two big deal issues at the same time would be a problem for me. i decided first that i should only work on one of the big deals at a time. then i had to decide which one to deal with first. i concluded that i think love is far more important and more difficult, so i would figure out how i felt about sex first and wait until i understood that to move on to dealing with love.

i think people who try to do it the other way around are making a mistake, because while sex is naturally a part of romantic love, love is not necessarily a part of sex. you can figure out sex without knowing much about love, but you can't figure out love completely before you sort through sex.

now, this doesn't work for everybody, and there are plenty of people who can't handle the idea of having sex with somebody they aren't in love with. i may think that's messed up, but i also know it is totally wrong to try to force somebody into a relationship they don't feel comfortable with...there are just some people who won't be able to deal with "benefit buddy" set ups. you have to get to know each other (as friends) quite a bit before you go there, because the problem that usually arises is when a person THINKS they will be okay with it, but turns out to not be okay with it after all. you've got to make sure you and your friend will both be chill about the set up.

the way i thought about it, there are two big parts to "romantic" relationships that need serious thought: the emotional side, and the physical side. love is a big deal and sex is a big deal. i am not a terribly bright person, so having to figure out two big deal issues at the same time would be a problem for me. i decided first that i should only work on one of the big deals at a time. then i had to decide which one to deal with first. i concluded that i think love is far more important and more difficult, so i would figure out how i felt about sex first and wait until i understood that to move on to dealing with love.

i think people who try to do it the other way around are making a mistake, because while sex is naturally a part of romantic love, love is not necessarily a part of sex. you can figure out sex without knowing much about love, but you can't figure out love completely before you sort through sex.

now, this doesn't work for everybody, and there are plenty of people who can't handle the idea of having sex with somebody they aren't in love with. i may think that's messed up, but i also know it is totally wrong to try to force somebody into a relationship they don't feel comfortable with...there are just some people who won't be able to deal with "benefit buddy" set ups. you have to get to know each other (as friends) quite a bit before you go there, because the problem that usually arises is when a person THINKS they will be okay with it, but turns out to not be okay with it after all. you've got to make sure you and your friend will both be chill about the set up.

Hmm? Very mature of you Bottle. I'm impressed with your "emotional intelligence" Not being sure of your age, I can still tell you that you are wise beyond your years; 'cause many people don't EVER realize this kind of thing ;)

Sometimes being at home with your feelings is more important than being bright, no? Bookish intelligence is only part of wisdom, and not terribly important in itself. Realizing that what works for you might not work for others also takes maturity and intelligence, something that might help you more than the speed of your thought pattern.

Hmm? Very mature of you Bottle. I'm impressed with your "emotional intelligence" Not being sure of your age, I can still tell you that you are wise beyond your years; 'cause many people don't EVER realize this kind of thing ;)

awww, shucks. i don't know about wise, but i am very familiar with my own shortcomings...i know what i can do, and what i can't, so i figure out ways to chop up "can't" things into "can" things.

i also find that solving a lot of simple problems is faster (and often more productive) than trying to solve one great big problem. this is why i shake my head in bafflement at the people who try to figure out sex and love and relationships (or even marriage) all at the same time...if i tried to muddle through all that at once, i would do a shoddy job all around.


Sometimes being at home with your feelings is more important than being bright, no? Bookish intelligence is only part of wisdom, and not terribly important in itself. Realizing that what works for you might not work for others also takes maturity and intelligence, something that might help you more than the speed of your thought pattern.
i've got to agree with that. book smarts are great, and more power to the geniuses of the world, but knowing fact doesn't always help when dealing with people. it would be lovely if there were some kind of "How To Get Along" manual, or (even better) a "How To Love Other People Without Making A Twit Of Yourself," but humans aren't simple enough to wrap such things into a tidy package.

awww, shucks. i don't know about wise, but i am very familiar with my own shortcomings...i know what i can do, and what i can't, so i figure out ways to chop up "can't" things into "can" things.

i also find that solving a lot of simple problems is faster (and often more productive) than trying to solve one great big problem. this is why i shake my head in bafflement at the people who try to figure out sex and love and relationships (or even marriage) all at the same time...if i tried to muddle through all that at once, i would do a shoddy job all around.

i've got to agree with that. book smarts are great, and more power to the geniuses of the world, but knowing fact doesn't always help when dealing with people. it would be lovely if there were some kind of "How To Get Along" manual, or (even better) a "How To Love Other People Without Making A Twit Of Yourself," but humans aren't simple enough to wrap such things into a tidy package.

**laughs** Considering we have had how many countless millions of books, stories, plays, poems, songs and musings on the nature of love over the history of human experience, "figuring it out" at all would be something of an achievement.

To some extent I have those book smarts; for all the good they've done me. Book smarts are only useful if you know how and when to use those smarts in your life. Opportunity meeting preperation, as it were. Emotional intelligence is needed for anything involving more than one human being, something that comes up fairly often in my life, how about you? ;)

If such a manual existed, I would have two copies, both dog-eared and well loved; one next to my bed for show and the other in the bathroom where all the reading really takes place. "How to love people without making a twit of yourself" would be a best seller within a week.

Compassion.

Thend.


*sighs* Would that it were so simple! But it's not. I wouldn't know personally what it is, because it's easy to decide on rules and such, but harder to carry them out all the time. What if you had such a buddy for a year or two, and then found someone special, and went steady with them? How would your buddy react? It's probably not for me, but I'm not about to judge anyone else.

I don't know about long term benefits with a friend but I've never had a problem with doing it once with a friend.