Randomea
21-03-2005, 02:01
Anyone got any good ones? I just posted the 'Cow Corporation' one in 'Two Cows' and I have several more but I'm wondering if anyone has any.
I'll start off with the really long "Answers to 'why did the chicken cross the road?'" Long but hilarious.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.
Darwin's Answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Another Answer:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.
Moses's Answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
David Hume's Answer:
Out of custom and habit.
Douglas Adams's Answer:
Forty-two.
Epicurus's Answer:
For fun.
Henry David Thoreau's Answer:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hippocrates's Answer:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell's Answer:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to.
That's the (censored) reason.
John Sununu 's Answer:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe's Answer:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Johnny Cochran 's Answer:
Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
Machiavelli's Answer:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Anther Answer:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which
has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear,
for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained
Arthur Andersen Consultant's Answer:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Mark Twain's Answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Ralph Waldo Emerson's Answer:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Salvador Dali 's Answer:
The Fish.
Secretary Cheney's Answer:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they
wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need
help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the
road myself.
Senator Lieberman's Answer:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in
his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no
chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own
way.
The Sphinx's Answer:
You tell me.
Neil Armstrong's Answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.
Thomas de Torquemada's Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary's Answer:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Another Answer:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them
Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Another Answer:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire
makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing
there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with
chickens.
Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Rush Limbaugh's Answer:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Another Answer:
To actualize it’s potential.
Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire's Answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Another Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
Another Answer:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Another Answer:
I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.
Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Carl Jung's Answer:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Louis Farrakhan's Answer:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus' Answer:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Another Answer:
National Security was at stake
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant's Answer:
chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Anther Answer:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as
chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history
MC. Escher's Answer:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.
Nietzsche's Answer:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner's Answer:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.
O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Ken Starr's Answer:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).
Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?
I'll start off with the really long "Answers to 'why did the chicken cross the road?'" Long but hilarious.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.
Darwin's Answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Another Answer:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.
Moses's Answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
David Hume's Answer:
Out of custom and habit.
Douglas Adams's Answer:
Forty-two.
Epicurus's Answer:
For fun.
Henry David Thoreau's Answer:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hippocrates's Answer:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell's Answer:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to.
That's the (censored) reason.
John Sununu 's Answer:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe's Answer:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Johnny Cochran 's Answer:
Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
Machiavelli's Answer:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Anther Answer:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which
has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear,
for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained
Arthur Andersen Consultant's Answer:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Mark Twain's Answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Ralph Waldo Emerson's Answer:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Salvador Dali 's Answer:
The Fish.
Secretary Cheney's Answer:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they
wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need
help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the
road myself.
Senator Lieberman's Answer:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in
his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no
chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own
way.
The Sphinx's Answer:
You tell me.
Neil Armstrong's Answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.
Thomas de Torquemada's Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary's Answer:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Another Answer:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them
Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Another Answer:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire
makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing
there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with
chickens.
Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Rush Limbaugh's Answer:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Another Answer:
To actualize it’s potential.
Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire's Answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Another Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
Another Answer:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Another Answer:
I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.
Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Carl Jung's Answer:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Louis Farrakhan's Answer:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus' Answer:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Another Answer:
National Security was at stake
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant's Answer:
chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Anther Answer:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as
chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history
MC. Escher's Answer:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.
Nietzsche's Answer:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner's Answer:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.
O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Ken Starr's Answer:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).
Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?