NationStates Jolt Archive

Biblical Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You take care of them and sell the extra milk if you want to.

Feudalism: Your lord lends you 2 cows. He takes most of the milk and leaves you some.

Pure Socialism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and puts them into a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and puts them into a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

Fascism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and shoots you.

Dictatorship: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors vote for someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

British Democracy: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

Bureaucracy: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Environmentalism: You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Pure Anarchy: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors riot and kill you for trying to sell the milk.

Libertarian/ Anarcho-Capitalsim: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Clintonomics: You have 2 cows. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Totalitarianism: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Counter-Culture: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Written by Dr. Kent Hovind

nice but heres my idea.
i have 2 cows everyone else can die.

Reaganomics:Only the wealthiest have cows but eventually some milk will trickle down to you.

My sister had an older version of this posted on her door before she went off to college.

Nice try, but someone else had written another version and it was better.

capitalism- who needs those fucking cows when you could sell them and buy milk?

WOOHOO! so what if youve seen better...its COWS! :D :D :D :D :eek: :eek: :D :D :sniper:

i've seen one like that but it was better because it had pictures

(so many words, it makes my head hurt!)

Surrealism: You have two cows and the time and rocks are snowy while acid flees the enthralling blizzard of capital letters.

Obejctivism: You have two cows. You keep all the milk, citing your moral code for justification.

Technocracy: You have two cows. You upload your personality to a computer and drink virtual milk instead.

Existentialism: You have two cows. You lament the absurdity of the universe before drinking $5 coffee made with their milk.

Marxism: You have two cows. They create a "dictatorship of the cow" using the dialectic method.

nice but heres my idea.
i have 2 cows everyone else can die.
That's Maddoxism

Catsism: You have to cows. All your milk are belong to us

Swiss Coporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for keeping them.

Catsism: You have to cows. All your milk are belong to us
haha i dont think many people will get that

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Way too many of these to copy and paste, so linky (http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows)

But I had to include this one:
Cartesian dualism : You have two cows. Therefore you are.

democracy-you have two cows, they out vote you 2-1 and ban all meat and dairy products

GO COWS!!!

Cartesian dualism : You have two cows. Therefore you are.
Lol I like that one alot. :D

Some of those were Hilarious, except the Pure Anarchy one, which isn't true.
Here's one I made up:

Capitalism: You have 500 cows. The 20 people living on tiny farms outside your sprawling ranch with a huge farmhouse own 1. You hire those people to take care of your cows, then sell them the milk they produced. They can't afford to maintain the cow they own, so they sell it to you. You produce even more milk, and move more people into the trap of wage labour. In the end, you have money pretty much because you had money to start with, and the hard working proletariat are cheated.

And yes, before you say something, that was unnecesarily complicated and long winded.

Way too many of these to copy and paste, so linky (http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/You_have_two_cows)

Now that was cannonical. :)

Liberal Democrat: You have two cows, your nieghbor has none. You feel guilty and elect people into office that will tax you so much you have to sell one of the cows. The government buys the cow and gives it to your nieghbor, who in turn is taxed so badly for recieving the cow that it must then sell said cow. You feel rightious.

Ted Kennedy: You get drunk and ride one of your cows until you kill someone. You are aquited based on your last name.

New Yorker: You have several million cows of different colors and breeds crammed into a space designed for a few hundred. You then wonder why the cows are fighting.

PURE COMMUNISM You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM (reality): You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

COMMUNISM (Stalinism) You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag.
The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?

PALESTINE You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you throw rocks at the Israeli police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it into an Israeli marketplace.
When both cows die you blame the Jews.

AUSTRALIA: You have two cows. You tell the Government the cows don't produce any milk, claim the Dole, sell the milk from the cows to a mate on a cash-under-the-counter deal, and then claim a Government Primary Producer Subsidy/Grant to help offset the costs of having the cows in the first place.

NEW ZEALAND: You have two cows. The local Maori Activists decide that the Cows are in fact part of the local Iwi and therefore actually own the farm. The Government agrees with them, and you end up having to pay the Cows for the milk they produce, tolerate their "Ethnic and Cultural Diversity", and label all the Milk they produce in Maori. You decide this is madness and move to Australia.

Swedish Democracy:
You have two cows, you marry one. You milk the other but are 'only friends'.

Enron Venture Capitalism:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for your five cows. The milk rights of the the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull and you use the profits to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

Hilary Clinton: You had two cows. They committed suicide. You claim it's all George Bush's fault.

heheh.

Korean :

You paint two dogs spotted black and white. You sell them to foolish Americans as two cows.

Mexico:
You have two cows.
They both wander away and you cant catch them because anybody who can run in Mexico has moved to the US.

That was mean, I know. Nothing against Mexicans though, except the ones who try to sell me 'Genuine Mexican Hotdogs, now with genuine meat!', A' La CMOT Dibbler.

Iraqi Checkpoint (since we have all ubt lost the economic joke): You have two cows. The Americans shoot them because they were moving too fast and didn't respond to the signals.

Israeli: You have two cows. The Israelis run them over with bulldozers.

The current political, economic and social policies of the United States and other nations around the world stand to benefit from a concept I call H.D.I.C. (Hybridization, Diversification and Independent Compromise.)

Our history is full of violent social change, conflict and suffering, H.D.I.C. calls for the hybridization of economic policies, a inter-mixing of market, command and socialist economies. The Human condition is determined by several factors, mind, body, environment and spirit, Economics (along with social interaction) are the building blocks of a positive environment, when a man has a job he loves, which support him and his pursuits in acquiring goods and services, he is happy (assuming the three other factors are met.)

The Market Economy presents us with the ultimate opportunity for advancement; theoretically, one may be born dirt poor and die a millionaire. However, as human greed drives the acquisition of wealth, those who seek it will inevitably and unjustly step on his fellow man.

But without the Market Economy, the employer or employee has no need to improve his work output or efficiency; we see this is the economic fallacies of Communism in what was the United Socialist Soviet Republic. However, to assume that man does not have a God or Darwin given instinct to work for the common good would also be as equally naive.

So, when designing the perfect economic system, one must inevitably lead to the hybridization of both capitalist and socialist systems, allowing for the advancement and acquisition of wealth, while providing basic services to everyone, such as housing, transportation and life supporting services, (water, heat, electricity, primary and secondary education.)

When you make allowances for both the common good and personal satisfaction, indeed, when greed and the common good work hand in hand to strengthen the nation state, where can you possibly go wrong? (At least, in that component of the proposed H.D.I.C. system.)

Large industry can benefit greatly from Communist policies, where (not necessarily a large but at least a federal) government can support projects on a scope never before dreamed off. Indeed, Humanity is also driven by a need to build big, to immortalize himself as he shapes the environment around him. Without such larger then life works, some of us feel empty. (I propose Humanity is subject to a cycle of creation and destruction, as I will detail later on in this document.)

Although some are happy living normal, family based lifestyles, or working for the common good of society in the fight against ignorance, intolerance, racism or sexual inequality, others will always want to see mankind do what was thought to be impossible, the pyramids, the great wall of China, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, orbital habitats, the colonization of Mars, the re-establishment of once destroyed forests, ecosystems and the de-desertification of once hospitable land.

Federal Government in control of heavy industry is beneficial for the mega-engineering attempts we will no doubt continue to undertake, no matter the goal, military, economic, engineering, conservation, you name it.
However, business as a whole, such as service or product based, feeding the Capitalist part of the hybrid economy, should remain in private hands, where the consumer (and the owner) can benefit from competition, (with light regulation of the federal government to prevent the consolidation of economic power which may threaten the sovereignty of the government or the people.)

So, I propose a Capitalist, Socialist, Communist Hybrid economy meets the needs, wants, desires and instincts of the species.

Which brings me onto my next subject, Government; Government is a very important part of our lives and as with economics there are many political systems that govern the people. Let's look at the choices we have available.
Democracy is a relatively new system of government, where the people govern themselves directly, however, democracy has several weaknesses, as a population grows, it becomes increasingly harder to run a democracy (although this issue has recently become less of a problem with the advent of digital networking). The unfair rule of the majority which is offset with the division of a federal and local government, with certain rights, such as freedom of expression, freedom from un-needed government incursion, etc.

Most importantly, a Democracy is subject to the intelligence, the reason of the people. Should that reason degrade into ignorance, there are absolutely no checks and balances to prevent the passing of what we would view as unfair or dangerous legislation or brainwashing. (However, with fairness and danger being relative, who are we to assume such things?)
Indeed, in a Democracy or Republic in the modern world, the free, unregulated and decentralized (No more MSN, CNN or Clear Channel) is mandatory in a functioning free society.

A Republic, where elected leaders represent their constituency in governing political bodies, such as a senate. Where, in a perfect world, proud, brave and just men and women rise above the population to lead them above mob rule. However, these officials are subject to same corruption, ignorance and brain washing as is the population, more so, since there are far fewer of them then if their entire constituency were voting, but they are in a position if they are so inclined, to defend the minority from the majority.

Well, we also have the Dictatorship, while most of us would immediately dismiss it, Plato did believe a benevolent Dictatorship was the best form of government, with Democracy as his second choice. Weaknesses are innumerable, absolute power corrupts, etc. However, in a Military Command Structure, checks and balances are built into the hierarchy of rank ascension. With proper core values, the strong protect the weak, honor, sacrifice, etc. The thousand in one benevolent leader will arise, sworn to protect the sovereignty of the nation.

Therefore, I propose, a democratic republic, much like the United States, however, elected representatives serving in two congresses, the evolutionary congress, which proposes amendments or changes to the current legislation in effect, and the revolutionary congress, which create new legislation. The elected officials provide faces for the government, which is further divided up into the judicial, executive and legislative branches.

Parties, however, are completely banned to prevent the consolidation of power. A promising politician must run independent, relying not on his party but his goals and views to get him elected. Elected Officials can also appoint people to lesser management roles.

Only the people, however, have the ability to vote for or against new legislation or amendments, they also have the right to disprove any appointed candidate to any position their elected official may appoint. The Local Government and Federal Government interaction functions much like two separate governments, with emphasis on the local government (and state rights) serving the interests of the people while the Federal Government provides a cohesive whole for other governments to interact with and govern heavy industry related projects.

With only the voters passing the laws, electing officials, with direct control over the appointment of the bureaucratic 2nd level management, the voters have complete control over the government.

Indeed, Government and the Military operate on a completely open basis, there is no such thing as top secret. In this way, the Government is simply an extension of the people and the people an extension of the Government.
In addition to the Federal Judicial, Executive, Legislative branches and the Local Judicial, Executive, Legislative branches, their exists a fourth branch, the Military, an independent entity dedicated to the protection of the nation and enforcement of the constitution. Serving as head of the Armed Services, the Supreme Commander oversees all divisions of the military, Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force and Space Force. The Military should stand as a crowning example of intelligence, tolerance and the ideals of freedom, independence and the pursuit of excellence in all areas.

Talk about, Education, Social Revolution, Human Ideals, etc…


I wrote this while watching the Post Man, ^^

Wha'cha think?

What the fuck?

Hippies: You have two cows. You get high and they wander off. You forget you had cows.

CORPORATIVIST CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You patent the cows and license the milk. You sue all other cow owners. Kids sharing milk at school get thrown in jail. You ask the goverment for subsidies to protect you from unfair competition from water, that people seem to prefer lately.

<Snip>

I wrote this while watching the Post Man, ^^

Wha'cha think?
Well, it's bound to be ripped to pieces before long, but I quite like it - or at least the non-government part, anyway.

WELSH: You have two cows, but really, really wish you had sheep.

Bart Simpson: You don't have a cow, man.

Donald Rumsfeld: You have two cows. There are known cows, and then there are unknown cows. Then there are the known unknown cows, and the unknown known cows.

George W Bush: You have two cows. Others call them your daughters.
You have two cows. you milk them dry, and make a buck, telling the French they can't do the same because they don't have a word for 'entrepanuer'

Indian: You have two cows, and you worship them.

American: You have two cows, slaughter them, make them into burgers, then you worship them.

Red Arrowism: You have two cows. You copy and paste them until you have 500.

Anarcho-communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors slaughter you for owning something, seize the milk, and distribute it equally to 5,000 people.

State communism: You have two cows. The government slaughters you for owning something, seizes the milk, and distributes it equally to 285 million people.