NationStates Jolt Archive

Let's see if I can tell this right.

There's this Marine patrol heading North out of Basra. They come up on a heavily armed Iraqi soldier lying in a ditch next to the road. He's just beat to pieces, like he's been in one hell of a fight. He's unconcious, so the corpsman starts to treat him.

In a ditch on the other side of the road, they see a heavily armed Marine. He's beat to shit, too, but he's still concious. So the squad leader asks him what happened.

He says, "I was headed North on this road when I saw this Iraqi coming toward me. We both dove for cover in these ditches. Nothing happened for a while.

"Then I yelled 'Saddam Hussein is a crook. He's a turd. He should be shot and cut up into pieces.' The Iraqi yelled back 'Teddy Kennedy is a rich, bloated bastard'.

"So we climb out of the ditches and shake hands. That's when the truck hit us."

A Marine in Hell

A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I'm a Marine. We're expected to live wild lives. I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this. "
Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays.
Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I'm a Marine!

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who's the toughest in Hell. You don't have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you're already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn't!

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I'm a Marine!

Counselor: Oh (grimaces), you're going to hate Fridays.

Let's see if I can tell this right.

There's this Marine patrol heading North out of Basra. They come up on a heavily armed Iraqi soldier lying in a ditch next to the road. He's just beat to pieces, like he's been in one hell of a fight. He's unconcious, so the corpsman starts to treat him.

In a ditch on the other side of the road, they see a heavily armed Marine. He's beat to shit, too, but he's still concious. So the squad leader asks him what happened.

He says, "I was headed North on this road when I saw this Iraqi coming toward me. We both dove for cover in these ditches. Nothing happened for a while.

"Then I yelled 'Saddam Hussein is a crook. He's a turd. He should be shot and cut up into pieces.' The Iraqi yelled back 'Teddy Kennedy is a rich, bloated bastard'.

"So we climb out of the ditches and shake hands. That's when the truck hit us."


Hey, the Iraqi slags off Bush damnit! The whole point is to show that the fighting men have more in common with each other than with their leaders. It's still pretty funny though, but the original's better!

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune,

"One man from the 173rd is better than ten Iraqi."

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence.

The voice once again calls out,

"One man from the 173rd is better than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence.

The Rebel voice calls out again,

"One man from the 173rd is better than one thousand Iraqi".

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought....then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men.....it's a trap. There are two of them!"

:D

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune,
...
"Don't send any more men.....it's a trap. There are two of them!"

:D
That works pretty well in any altercation.

Doesn't anyone else know a Marine joke?

Okay, I'll get it started again...
I'd tell this one, but it's a little derogatory or degenerate...What the hell!

A marine was in a store buying some things when a lady came up to him and said "Excuse me sir, but your ship door is open". The man didn't know what she was talking about so he just continued on his way. A little later a gentleman came up to him and said, "Excuse me sir but your fly is open".

The man figured out what the lady was talking about and said thankyou to the gentleman and later while he was going through the cheeckout he saw the lady that first told him and went up to her and said, "Excuse me mam but when my ship was open did you see a marine standing at attention?'" The lady thought for a while and finally replied, "No but i did see a old worn out marine sitting on two duffel bags."

This old Marine colonel was at a Washington DC party. The Senator's trophy wife comes up to him and strikes up a conversation, even though he's clearly not interested. She decides to get him out of his shell, so she asks:
"Excuse me, Colonel, when was the last time you made love...you know, have sex?"

The Marine replies: "1955, ma'am."

Shocked, she replies: "why, that is just horrible! How can you go for so long without experiencing the pleasures of the flesh?"

To which he replies: "well, right now is 2230, ma'am."

Army: Man, it sucks here!
Marine: Man, it should suck more!
Navy: Man, It sure sucks over there!
Air Force: What! no Air Conditioning... Man that Sucks!


Secure the building
Army: they rush in, and clear all the rooms of enemy activities
Marines: they lay down covering fire, move in and leave it boobytrapped.
Navy: Lay a barrage of Off-Shore artillary then send in the Cruise missle.
Air Force: Take out a 3 yr lease with option to buy.

(and it was an Air Force person who told me these.)

keep it coming

Here's a few more:

Recently, a Marine Corps Harrier Squadron was invited to attend the annual Air Force Red Flag exercised at Nellis Air Force Base, NV. This is one of the USAF's big exercises where they test Combined Arms employment of tactical air assets. The USAF F-15 pilots showed up on the ramp with dozens of rear echelon airman types and tons of equipment such as Ground Power Units, Accessory Power Units, Hummers, Trucks, Air Conditioners, etc. The Marines appeared ready to operate in a combat environment and showed up with only their Harriers. The Air Force commander commented to the Marine commander: "Where is all your support stuff? Geezz, you guys really are just Grunts that know how to fly."


Not wanting to disappoint the Air Force commander, the Marine commander got an idea of his own to carry on the comment. He talked to his First Sergeant and later that night, the First Sergeant had his Marines make up bayonet studs on hose clamps. You see, there is a Pitot tube sticking out of the nose of a Harrier. In the late hours of darkness, the First Sergeant had the clamp with the bayonet stud tightened onto the Pitot tubes of each Harrier.


The next morning, the Air Force pilots fell out on the ramp in front of their F-15s. The Marine pilots fell out on the other side of the ramp in front of their Harriers. Each Marine pilot had on his deuce gear with a bayonet in the scabbard. The USAF commander ordered his pilots to "man your planes." The USAF ground crews by the dozens scrambled to their trucks, APU's, GPU's, etc. and the pilots ran to their planes. The Marine commander ordered his Marines to "Fix Bayonets." Each pilot ran to the front of their Harrier and fixed his bayonet on the stud attached to the Pitot tube. The Marine commander then ordered "CHARGE" and the Marines jumped in their Harriers, dusted airborne, and flew off. The Marine commander turned to the USAF commander and said; "Now that is what we Marines consider Close Ground Support."

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

Army: Man, it sucks here!
Marine: Man, it should suck more!
Navy: Man, It sure sucks over there!
Air Force: What! no Air Conditioning... Man that Sucks!


Secure the building
Army: they rush in, and clear all the rooms of enemy activities
Marines: they lay down covering fire, move in and leave it boobytrapped.
Navy: Lay a barrage of Off-Shore artillary then send in the Cruise missle.
Air Force: Take out a 3 yr lease with option to buy.

(and it was an Air Force person who told me these.)
No need to apologize. Despite the way they act, they really are on our side.

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune,

"One man from the 173rd is better than ten Iraqi."

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence.

The voice once again calls out,

"One man from the 173rd is better than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence.

The Rebel voice calls out again,

"One man from the 173rd is better than one thousand Iraqi".

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought....then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men.....it's a trap. There are two of them!"

:D


The Herd? The 173rd Airborne? I love those guys. I haven't heard too much about them though.

Let's keep this moving!

A Marine comes home on leave. He's wearing his Dress Blues uniform. At the movies, he has to go to the head. While he's standing there, a kid comes up and asks, "Are you a real Marine?". The jarhead answers, "I sure am." Kid asks, "Can I wear your hat?" Marine replies, "Sure", and puts the hat on the kid.

Along comes a soldier and stands there on the other side of the kid. Kid looks up at the soldier and asks, "Are you a real soldier?", Soldier answers, "Yeah. Wanna suck my dick?".

Kid answers, "I'm not a real Marine."