NationStates Jolt Archive

Euroslavia's and The Macabees's respective posts on their relationships with their fathers got me to start typing a fairly long post (originally in response to Euro's thread). I decided since my situation is somewhat different from either of theirs that I wanted to say something in a separate thread about it.

It's a hard balance between trying to appreciate good fortune you do have and wishing you had something different at times. Fortunately, both my parents are of sound mind and (mostly) sound body, but my relationship with my mother is pretty much non-existent. I don't want to get into all the details about it on here because I don't want to start a bashing party, but let's just say there were a lot of hurtful things that happened between the two of us.

Just a little bit of background, though. My parents separated twice; the first time when I was a year and a half old and the second time just before I turned 13. In retrospect, I wish they had simply gotten a divorce the first time around because it probably would have saved me much of the heartache that came later. Originally, the two of them tried to remain friends in spite of the separation and divorce, but things happened between my parents and my father has tremendous animosity toward my mother.

When I was 16, I moved to Maine to live with my mother and my stepfather and I spent a year and a half living there with her before she sent me back down to live with my father because we were having major problems. The relationship cooled and became distant from that point on, but things really came to a head when she visited Maryland on vacation right around my 20th birthday -- and never tried to visit me. Right then, I divorced her in my mind.

The biggest problem I have with my mother though is the expectation that she seems to have of me to drop whatever issues I have with her and try to carve a relationship with her, but she'll turn around and bring up something I did 15 years ago. There've been other mis-steps on both sides of the coin, but I have decided to implement a policy of not allowing negative people in my life, even if they share my bloodlines. For me, that includes my mother.

My relationship with my father isn't perfect, but what relationship is? However, in spite of his hostilities toward my mother, he has tried repeatedly to convince me to mend fences with my mother, but as you can tell, she's not the most forgiving person in the world. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I'm one of the biggest grudge-holders on the planet. Hence, the relationship between me and my mother has been on a downward slope for 15 years.

Thoughts?

My God. Am I the only person left alive with two loving, non-divorced parents who are happy?

Sorry to hear that, Mike. :(

My God. Am I the only person left alive with two loving, non-divorced parents who are happy?

Well, mine arent divorced.

My God. Am I the only person left alive with two loving, non-divorced parents who are happy?
I was just thinking that too........
At least half the people I know have either divorced, unhappy, angry, or pushy parents.
Makes me appreciate my family alot.

There are certain people it's just not healthy to have in your life. I love my father and keep in touch. But I don't want him in my daily life. He's extremely critical and is never happy with anything I do. You can decide how much you are comfortable with. Do you want to keep in touch with her, or is the relationship so harmful to you that you'd be better off totally cutting her out of your life?

There are certain people it's just not healthy to have in your life. I love my father and keep in touch. But I don't want him in my daily life. He's extremely critical and is never happy with anything I do. You can decide how much you are comfortable with. Do you want to keep in touch with her, or is the relationship so harmful to you that you'd be better off totally cutting her out of your life?That's what I've decided about my mother. She's not someone who is healthy for me to have in my life.

Sorry to hear that, Mike. :(Thanks Josh, but I figured I wanted people to gain a little more insight into what makes me me.

My God. Am I the only person left alive with two loving, non-divorced parents who are happy?
mine aren't divorced and are happy together as far as i know.

my mom and i don't usually get along, you see, we both want to run my life, i think i'm a little more entitled to it though... it is afterall, my life.
my dad and i get along most of the time, except when religion comes up. he's rather christian (has been christian all his life and has become moreso since my sisters started acting out) and i'm an agnostic humanist. i just try to avoid teh subject except to make fun of young earth creationists.

There are certain people it's just not healthy to have in your life. I love my father and keep in touch. But I don't want him in my daily life. He's extremely critical and is never happy with anything I do.


I think our dads should get in touch.

My God. Am I the only person left alive with two loving, non-divorced parents who are happy?
nope :). my folks are celebrating 30 years of marriage this summer. neither has ever been married before.

I think our dads should get in touch.

So they could bitch about what disappointments their children are? Mine thinks I'm just lazy and whiny. He thinks all psychiatry is a crock, so being bipolar doesn't hold water with him. He thinks fibromyalgia is just something I made up. He doesn't belive I can possibly have arthritis at my age. He thinks migraines are made up. He thinks that I don;t want to be a lawyer just to piss him off. He thinks I got divorced because he liked my husband. He thinks I'm brilliant unless I disagree with him, at which point I become and idiot. It's my moms fault he was unfaithful. Anything that's wrong with his kids is moms fault.

But he's also very smart and charming. He can be a lot of fun to talk to. I just end any conversation when he starts being an ass. He has learned the things I won't tolerate.

He thinks I'm brilliant unless I disagree with him, at which point I become and idiot. It's my moms fault he was unfaithful. Anything that's wrong with his kids is moms fault.

Hah, that sounds exactly like my dad, although less harsh. He thinks I'm a total moron even if I don't disagree with him, and for the most part, I'm not even allowed to disagree. Of course, whenever I do disagree with him, I end up winning the argument at hand. It really pisses him off.

But he's also very smart and charming. He can be a lot of fun to talk to. I just end any conversation when he starts being an ass. He has learned the things I won't tolerate.

Once again, just like my dad, although less harsh. My dad's an obnoxious turd who really likes to talk about how "mature" he was when he was my age, and all the things he used to do (fly airplanes all over the country, go drinking, driving, all that bullshit that he never lets me do). It's almost as if he's taunting me when he talks about that stuff (I'm pretty sure he is, anyway).

And, like you, I just stop talking when he starts acting like that. He knows why I do it, too, and he shuts up (for the most part). He still doesn't seem to realize that He is the asshole. I guess he never will, either.

My dad's just a grade A, level 1 asshole. He might get along with your someone else, but only if they agreed with him on everything. And wasn't Arab. And was religious (but only up to a certain point, which he determines). And listened to country music exclusively.

If that man tells me to "do your studies" one more time, I swear I will stab him to death while he sleeps.

The other annoying thing is that while he got B's and C's in school, he insists that I have to get straight A's. Naturally, I don't. He takes offense at this, and punishes me for not performing beyond his abilities

He's a sucessful lawyer, so it's not because he wants me to succeed. He knows I can do fine with A's and B's.

If that man tells me to "do your studies" one more time, I swear I will stab him to death while he sleeps.


My dad torments me that way, too. I pretty much give him the good-old "fuck you" by not saying anything and continuing to watch TV. Or surf this forum :D.

my parents were totally wasted on me. they were amazing, loving, supportive, intelligent...pretty much perfect. but i am independent to a ludicrous (and sometimes dangerous) extreme, and stubborn to boot, so i ended up moving out at a very young age. i was the one kid in a billion who couldn't be happy living under their roof, and i was the one they got. but since i've moved out we have been closer than ever. my mom is musical, cultured, and supportive beyond reason, and my dad is cooler than just about anybody i know (he finds new punk bands before i do and we trade comics and movies all the time).

my mom is musical, cultured, and supportive beyond reason, and my dad is cooler than just about anybody i know (he finds new punk bands before i do and we trade comics and movies all the time).


Could I somehow find a way to take up room and board at this house? Pleeeease?

My dad torments me that way, too. I pretty much give him the good-old "fuck you" by not saying anything and continuing to watch TV. Or surf this forum :D.
My favorite part is that he continues to tell me to, after I politely informed him that I am doing better than he did "in your shabby excuse for a little child, before you grew up to be a redneck." Now he demands I study each subject 10 minutes a day. I'm not wasting an extra hour of my life to do that. That's an hour I could spend playing video games/reading/on NS.

Could I somehow find a way to take up room and board at this house? Pleeeease?
Screw you, if you get to live there, I'm bumping you off and moving in.

Could I somehow find a way to take up room and board at this house? Pleeeease?
i must admit, it was kind of fun when my mom would yell, "TURN DOWN THAT STEREO" in the direction of my room, and i would get to yell back, "IT'S NOT MINE, IT'S DAD'S!!"

we usually reached a compromise by letting mom pick the music and dad pick the volume...both my father and i agreed that even classical music can be bitchin if you play it loud enough.

Screw you, if you get to live there, I'm bumping you off and moving in.

But... I like the Ramones, and I'm sure his dad likes the Ramones. So damnit, I get in first!

i must admit, it was kind of fun when my mom would yell, "TURN DOWN THAT STEREO" in the direction of my room, and i would get to yell back, "IT'S NOT MINE, IT'S DAD'S!!"

we usually reached a compromise by letting mom pick the music and dad pick the volume...both my father and i agreed that even classical music can be bitchin if you play it loud enough.


You know, that's exactly how I picture my house when I get older. Strange.

But... I like the Ramones, and I'm sure his dad likes the Ramones. So damnit, I get in first!
Everyone likes the Ramones. Including myself.

My mother is a great person - thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate etc. Yet my father is/was a prick of extreme proportions. My mum now suffers from quite a few health problems - I can't say that all of them are my father's fault, but, without wanting to get into specific details, I'm quite convinced a few are. They divorced when I was three, and though my mum was always willing to take me to see him, he stopped coming to me, and stopped answering the door when I turned up at his, so I stopped making the effort. I haven't seen him since I was four. He had the nerve to send me a 21st birthday card, but a shitty card won't make up for the years he lost with me, and for the years that he hurt my mother.

(Sorry if this venomous; I can't, and won't, deny that I'm bitter. He really was an arsehole, and I'm assuming he still is, though I've no wish to definitively find out).

Thoughts?

i think there is a middle ground between being an invovled son and cutting her completely out of your life that you should explore

it helps everyone if they try to see their parents as human beings. to see that they had their own issues and their own backgrounds and troubles that contributed to the way they raised you. it can help bring you a bit of peace to understand that your mother did things badly for reasons and that she has suffered for it.

now that doesnt mean you should call her up and ask her to move in with you. if your mom sucks as a mother you shouldnt ever expect her to be better at it. that will only hurt you in the long run. i dont, however, think its right to utterly cut her out of your life if she hasnt done horrible things to you (tried to sell you to the gypsies, sexually molested you, kept you in the attic for 5 years, etc)

shes just a substandard mother who isnt good at the job. she is still your mother and you might want to send her a mothers day card , maybe a christmas card. the minimum sort of thing that might qualify as "honor your mother and your father" without ever relying on her to reciprocate or to act the way a normal mother might.

Everyone likes the Ramones. Including myself.


Damnit! I'll have to think of another scheme...

Yes...

shes just a substandard mother who isnt good at the job. she is still your mother and you might want to send her a mothers day card , maybe a christmas card. the minimum sort of thing that might qualify as "honor your mother and your father" without ever relying on her to reciprocate or to act the way a normal mother might.The thing is, I've done those things and she's still doing the same things she always has.

I've gotten to the point where I think it's best if I just cut my losses with her.