NationStates Jolt Archive

Post em here

What's the difference between a BAri Sax and a chain saw?
vibarato
What makes a clarinet and a court of law similar?
everyone is happier when the case is closed
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
no one cries when you cut up a viola
What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
a cello burns longer

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer

Q: Why is a violin so much smaller than a viola?




A: They're actually the same size. The violin just looks smaller next to the violinists big head.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer

Hey! That's my joke, biatch! I want royalties.

What do you call a drummer who's girlfriend just broke up with him?

Homeless.

Did you hear about the bassist that locked his keys in his car? Yeah, it took him an hour to get the drummer out.

Give me time, I'll think of more I promise.

What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?

A machine gun only repeats itself 50 times

What's the difference between a guitarist and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

tommy came home from school and said 'mommy, mommy, guess what? today in school we did the ABC's and I got to Z but everyone else couldn't get past R!" His Mother replied, "that's wonderful tommy, it's because you're a VIOLIST." So the next day tommy came home from school and said, "mommy, today we did counting and I got all the way to 100, everyone else stopped around 73!" To which the mom replied "that's great, it's because you're a VIOLIST." And the next, tommy came home and said, "mommy, guess what? I'm taller than everyone in my class, Is that because I'm a violist?" And his mother said, "No, tommy. That's because you're 30."

I found this trying to remember the Kenny G joke-

How do you confuse a drummer?

Give him a sheet of music


I'm still all burnt up about that bari sax crack......not really, but still.....

The lead guitarist thinks "Man, these drugs are great!"

The singers thinks "Wow, that girl on the second row is hot!"

The drummer thinks "Yeah, this crowd is into it tonight!"

The bassist thinks "C, G, D, C, C, G, D, C, C, G..."

A double-bass player was playing a gig at a downtown beatnik cafe. In the middle of his set, a young boy ran up to his bass and twisted a tuning peg. The boy then promptly ran out the door. The bass player set down his bass and took off chasing the boy. He caught up with the child and held him in the air, shaking and screaming at the boy. Just then a police officer came upon the scene and told the bass player to set the boy down. The bass player complied and the cop asked him why he was yelling at the boy. The bass player said, "I was standing in that cafe down the street, playing my gig, when the boy ran up on stage and turned one of my tuning pegs." The officer replied, "That doesn't seem like a very good reason to threaten a child." The bass player then cried, "But the little fucker won't tell me which peg he turned!"

What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?

A machine gun only repeats itself 50 times
nice

from the bass and guitar thread
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him

Two drummers walk into a bar...
which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.


Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.


A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian.
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".


Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins


Q: how late does the band play?
A: about a half beat behind the drummer.


Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers


Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him
Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!


Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.


Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.


Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ...


Q: What do you do when a drummer shows up at your door?
A: Tip him and pay for the pizza.

Q: How do you know that the drum rise is uneven?
A: The drummer is only drooling out of one side of his mouth!


Q: Did you hear about the black metal singer who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to let the drummer out!

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: A drum machine only needs instructions once.

Metal Cliché's
----------------

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon,
drinks some beers and fucks the princess

GRIND METAL:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable
for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the
dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and
fucks her... easy and quick

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions,
violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls
asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy
axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the
castle and burns the place before he leaves

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and
kills her, then leaves

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it
in the front of the castle...then sodomizes the princess, drinks
her blood in a ritual before killing her...then he impales the
deflowered princess

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the
front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her...then he
fucks again her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts,
fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it
for the last time

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that
he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide...the
dragon eats his body and the princess as well

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26
minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist
arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the
techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the
princess escapes, and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance
and lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to
paint the castle in a beautiful pink color


MELODIC DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives and shouts a bunch of random stuff that might not have made sense even before it was translated from Swedish into English, then plays a guitar solo stolen from 1984 while Iron Maiden and Van halen weren't looking. The dragon is stomped to death by twenty-three black-shirted hardcore kids running in circles and kung-fu-kicking. The protagonist and the princess go off and pour gargantuan quantities of Carlsberg down their throats; they might fuck, but nobody is sober enough to remember anything.

GOTHIC METAL (OLD SCHOOL):
The protagonist arrives and smokes a bowl with the dragon. After that, he suggests they doubleteam the princess. Halfway through, an emaciated, sleazy, heroin-addict version of Jesus shows up, and they all have a sullen yet erotic bisexual S&M four-way.

BLACK METAL (OLD SCHOOL):
The protagonist arrives and asks the dragon if he wants to go burn down some churches. They go burning, and while the dragon is distracted, he stabs it in the back of the head 26 times. Some other scenesters come by and they go out to kick over gravestones, forgetting all about the princess.


MANOWAR:
On a Night Of Black Thunder, the Metal King arrives on his Iron Steed of Black Wind, Fire, and Steel. He Plays Some Random Notes Of Extreme Metalness Really Fast on his Mighty Metal Guitar, Setting Fire to a Tower Of Gigantic True Metal Speakers the Size of Brazil, then Slays the Dragon with his Invincible Sword and Hammer of Unstoppable Metal Power That Are Totally Not Phallic Symbols Or Compensating For Anything. He Enthralls the Princess with his Mighty Rod of Manhood and Bears Her Off for Much Fucking, because he is Totally Not Gay Or Anything.

MANOWAR-INFLUENCED METAL:
The protagonist arrives. The dragon takes one look at his ill-fitting homemade studded leather vest and dies laughing. He then puts on his wizard hat and rolls a d20 to see if he can cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyonding on the princess. The princess throws a chair at him and declares that she'd rather bang the prog metal guy.

TANKARD:
The protagonist shows up drunk and ask the dragon for beer money. When the dragon says no, he headbutts it to death and goes on a rampage through the castle. He fucks the princess, then raids the castle fridge, drinks all the beer, and throws the fridge out the window.

ICED EARTH:
A Civil War reenactor arrives and asks the dragon if it wants to play drums in his band. The dragon says yes, and then the reenactor tells it that it won't be playing anything on the record, and that it'll have to commit to two years of more or less random touring that will leave no time for princess abduction or any of its other day jobs. The dragon says no to that, so the reenactor throws a hissy fit and stabs it to death with a musket. He then drinks all the beer in the castle and starts screaming that one of his lackeys will have prune juice.

METALLICA:
A midget with a receding hairline arrives and claims that the dragon owes him money for downloading his songs online. The dragon breathes fire on him, and the princess complains for three hours about back when that band had some integrity.

DEICIDE:
A midget clad in armor made from hockey pads arrives and challenges the dragon to a fight. The dragon accepts, and then the surprisingly strong midget defeats it by pinning its head against the radiator. He tries to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyonding on the princess, but she throws a Jack Daniels bottle in the other direction and escapes.

FATES WARNING - The protagonist sends the princess a letter describing his intentions for rescuing her. The princess sends back her own ideas. After several rounds of this, the mission plan is completed and executed, but the eclectic collection of details is so overwrought that the dragon is bored to death before the protagonist has a chance to kill it.

IRON MAIDEN - The protagonist gallops in and distracts the dragon with a massive air raid siren. He then takes the princess and tells all about his favorite movies, books, and historical figures before finally asking her to accept another knight in his place so he can try new things. The other knight can never please her and gives up. The protagonist is also not as well-received in his new ventures, so he returns to the princess along with another old friend for some experimentation. Things are never quite the same but still better than they had been during his absence.

BLIND GUARDIAN - The protagonist IS the dragon, flys off to kidnap the princess, however, on the way, his wing breaks, causing him to skip a few kingdoms, causing enraged princesses to write nasty 'not good enough to be kidnapped' letters. The Dragon eventually finds a Princess to capture, flys to his lair, and then leaves her there for 4 years while he's out doing God knows what.





maybe if I feel like it, I'll post the drummer ones here again too :D (edit: nevermind, thanks branin)

tee hee. As a music geek this is the type of humour I can really appreciate.

more metal jokes (except the blink 182 one ;)):

Q: Why did HammerFall cross the road?
A: To crush the INFIDELS!!!

Q: How many members of Rhapsody does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to SLAY TEH DRAGON!!!

Q: Sitting on a table are three things: A mighty claymore, a flaming orb, and a poisioned arrow. What is hardest for the members of Rhapsody to grasp?
A: Reality.

Q: What's the difference between Sonata Arctica and Japanese food?
A: Japanese food is popular in America.

Q: What's the difference between Sonata Arctica and a traveler's cheque?
A: Traveler's cheques are unpopular in Japan.

Q: What's the difference between Blind Guardian and a porno mag?
A: A porno mag leaves nothing to the imagination.

Q: A goth, a metalhead, and a punk rocker were living together on the top floor of an apartment complex....the building catches fire...which one survives?
A: The Metalhead because he/she is at work.

Q. Malmsteen wanted to kill himself, how did he do it?
A. Jumped off his ego.

Q. Whats 300 metres long and has no pubic hair?
A. The queue to the Blink 182 show

Q. How many progressive rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but it takes him 22 minutes.

Q. Why is the cow the most metal animal on the planet?
A. Its always wearing leather and its horns are always up

What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?

A machine gun only repeats itself 50 times

I agree with Pat Metheny. (http://www.jazzoasis.com/methenyonkennyg.htm)

In short, such phrases as "musical necrophilia", and "lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up..." were used in his less than pleasant description of Kenny G.'s aweful tribute to legend Louis Armstrong.

I agree with Pat Metheny. (http://www.jazzoasis.com/methenyonkennyg.htm)

In short, such phrases as "musical necrophilia", and "lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up..." were used in his less than pleasant description of Kenny G.'s aweful tribute to legend Louis Armstrong.
Goddamn-you know when Metheny is scoring on you, shit's gotten bad. I mean, Last Train Home? Not really fair, he's actually done some stuff I like and played with Ornette Coleman...

Everytime G comes up someone always sings the "Look I know the blues scale, Look I know the blues scale" to the blues scale.

Take the sax outta the side of your mouth, dumbass-you might play in tune!!

hmm. You woulda thought I would have shaked most of that off by now...huh...

A group of about a dozen all so drummers walk into a bar and order drinks, all the time though they keep shouting "34 days, 34 days!" and after about 20 minutes of this the barman pulls one of the drummers over and asks "why do you all keep yelling 34 days?" to which the drummer replied "well simple, we all managed to finish this jigsaw puzzle in 34 days, and the box said 2-4 years!"

Im in marching band so my joke will be more along those lines...

How do you get 2 flutes to play in unison?

Shoot one

------------

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3, 1 to screw it in, and 2 others to debate on how much better they couldve done it

------------

If a high school football game is played and no band is present, where do the fans sit?

At home

What is the difference between God and a trumpet player....





....god doesn't think he's a trumpet player.

a drummer, a smart drumber and santa all jump off a building at the same time. who wits the ground first?

the drummer, the other 2 don't exist

So a conductor is having trouble with the precussion section. He announces in front of the entire orchestra: "When someone is unable to handle a real instrument, they take it away and give the person two sticks and make them a precussionists." A murmur came from the percussion section "And when the person can't handle that, they take away one of the sticks and make him the conductor."

So a conductor is having trouble with the precussion section. He announces in front of the entire orchestra: "When someone is unable to handle a real instrument, they take it away and give the person two sticks and make them a precussionists." A murmur came from the percussion section "And when the person can't handle that, they take away one of the sticks and make him the conductor."
and when that becomes too much to handle, they take the other stick away to make him a vocalist

Goddamn-you know when Metheny is scoring on you, shit's gotten bad. I mean, Last Train Home? Not really fair, he's actually done some stuff I like and played with Ornette Coleman...

Everytime G comes up someone always sings the "Look I know the blues scale, Look I know the blues scale" to the blues scale.

Take the sax outta the side of your mouth, dumbass-you might play in tune!!

hmm. You woulda thought I would have shaked most of that off by now...huh...

A Kenny G. joke doesn't need a punch line. He's enough of a joke as is. All you need to say is 'Kenny G.'

A Kenny G. joke doesn't need a punch line. He's enough of a joke as is. All you need to say is 'Kenny G.'
agreed :D

bump

comone people more jokes.....

How do you hit perfect pitch with a viola?

30 feet into a dumpster, knocking the lid closed over it.

Teacher: Define a minor second
Student: Two Violists playing in unison

How do you make the last seated violist in the Arkansas Symphony a better musician?

Teach him to read music.

How do you make him better?

Teach him to count

How do you make him even better?

Give him a violin

How many violists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

12: one to screw in the light bulb and 11 to complain about how they never get any interesting tasks.

Teacher: Define Oboe
Student: The ill wind that nobody blows good.

How do you tell the difference between a Bassoon and a strangling duck?

The duck makes noise longer.

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?

the knock slows down


What's the difference between a bassoon and an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer


how do you get 5 piccolo's to play in tune?

shoot 4


what's the difference between a soprano and a seamstress?

the seamstress tucks up her frills.

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.

hehe nice

bump

If attorneys are disbared, can musicians be denoted?

The guitarist of a famous band is waking up in hospital after collapsing on stage. He sees the rest of the band waiting by his bedside.

"What happened?" he asks them.

"Well," says the singer, "There's good news and there's bad news."

"Give me the bad news first."

"They had to remove half your brain." the singer tells him, gravely, "You'll never be a musician again."

"Oh my god!" wails the guitarist, beginning to cry, "Then what's the good news?"

"We got you a bass."

well this is a classic, and i'm sure its already been said but i can't be bothered to read through... all 3 pages....


whats the hardest 3 years of a drummer's life?

5th grade