NationStates Jolt Archive

Dammit, I knew they had to be stopped!

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/US/03/04/chimp.attack.ap/index.html

Dammit, I knew they had to be stopped!

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/US/03/04/chimp.attack.ap/index.html

*picks up the malet of silence*
lets go

If there's anything that history has taught us, it's that the simian threat should be wiped out immediately! hasn't anyone WATCHED planet of the apes? The horror.... the horror....

Now quickly, to the rainforests and wild areas of the world! We have a job to finish....

Hopefully all the great apes (except Orangutans) will soon be extinct. That'll put an end to the chimp menace. We can keep Orangutans though. They're pretty neat.

Pretty dodgey

Chimps are apes, not monkeys. It's just an insolated incedent, nothing more.

its been an odd week here in southern California.... yesterday a man nearly eaten by chimpanzees, and earlier this week a hundred miles to the west a tiger was shot and killed near a house along the coast.

what can we say

Dammit, I knew they had to be stopped!

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/US/03/04/chimp.attack.ap/index.html
Hmmm! I wonder if they could make some exceptions to the Army ( Marines? ) recruiting standards and work these guys in somehow? They certainly seem to be agressive enough, and Lord knows we need all the recruits we can get!

We could make them into a kick-ass long range recon unit that would be able to infiltrate areas where most soldiers wouldn't be able to go without a helicopter. They would be able to travel through the trees and take full advantage of avilable cover and concealment. They would make small targets and can move very quickly when necessary.

It might be difficult to keep them on-mission though, and uniforms would be a definite problem. So would standing formation and rendering proper military courtesy ( senior officers tend to get a bit pissed when the enlisted ranks don't know how to salute! )

Whaddya think, guys? Workable? Help me out here! :D

It's obviously the work of that evil ape, Mojo Jojo! :D

you're from bakersfield???? is it really as shitty as i've heard?

hey people Quiets rabble , lets get back to the monkey pulping issue.

hey people Quiets rabble , lets get back to the monkey pulping issue.
[ See post number 8! ] :D

It's obviously the work of that evil ape, Mojo Jojo! :D

Curses. You'll not foil me this time! I am moooojo jooojo!
*escapes*

Whaddya think, guys? Workable? Help me out here! :D


Whoa... these guys have shown that they hate all that humanity stands for, and you want to arm them? You sound like a collaborator to me. Are you insane?! Seriously, you really must never have seen planet of the apes.

you're from bakersfield???? is it really as shitty as i've heard?

its ok, not real exciting, but its not far from places that are. Damn hot though in the summer.

I see no way out of this... we're doomed.

Hmmm! I wonder if they could make some exceptions to the Army ( Marines? ) recruiting standards and work these guys in somehow? They certainly seem to be agressive enough, and Lord knows we need all the recruits we can get!

We could make them into a kick-ass long range recon unit that would be able to infiltrate areas where most soldiers wouldn't be able to go without a helicopter. They would be able to travel through the trees and take full advantage of avilable cover and concealment. They would make small targets and can move very quickly when necessary.

It might be difficult to keep them on-mission though, and uniforms would be a definite problem. So would standing formation and rendering proper military courtesy ( senior officers tend to get a bit pissed when the enlisted ranks don't know how to salute! )

Whaddya think, guys? Workable? Help me out here! :D

I think it's doable, but it's gonna require alot of cattle prods. Senior officers might have to relax about the whole saluting thing aswell, and be prepared to lose fingers from time to time.

well if we did pulp them, then we wouldn't be doomed.

Whoa... these guys have shown that they hate all that humanity stands for, and you want to arm them? You sound like a collaborator to me. Are you insane?! Seriously, you really must never have seen planet of the apes.
Yes, I saw all the Planet of the Apes series ( unfortunately!), and those apes kicked major ass! To keep our Simian Recon Brigade under control, we could attach a collar to each of them and send them a nice little jolt everytime they got out of line, or even just auto-decpitate if need be! :D

Yes, I saw all the Planet of the Apes series ( unfortunately!), and those apes kicked major ass! To keep our Simian Recon Brigade under control, we could attach a collar to each of them and send them a nice little jolt everytime they got out of line, or even just auto-decpitate if need be! :D

Keep em' in line with those Pain-inflicting Guns the US is working on.

I think it's doable, but it's gonna require alot of cattle prods. Senior officers might have to relax about the whole saluting thing aswell, and be prepared to lose fingers from time to time.
Hmmm. We could issue officers a signal trasmitter that would send our Simian Recon Brigade recruits a mild electric jolt through their control collars everytime they got too close?

Keep em' in line with those Pain-inflicting Guns the US is working on.
Good idea, but I suspect it would be a bit pricey. Part of the attraction for using the Simian Recon Brigade would be that they would work for peanuts ... um ... bananas.

its been an odd week here in southern California.... yesterday a man nearly eaten by chimpanzees, and earlier this week a hundred miles to the west a tiger was shot and killed near a house along the coast.

what can we say
More Hollywierd-ness? :D

Good idea, but I suspect it would be a bit pricey. Part of the attraction for using the Simian Recon Brigade would be that they would work for peanuts ... um ... bananas.

You've given me an idea.... elephant spies. They're so obvious that they're inconspicuous, they NEVER forget, and they really do work for peanuts! Think about the potential. Also, they're more tractable, and don't hold a true hatred for humanity, and their lack of hands means they can't rebel effectively.

Consider that...

More Hollywierd-ness? :D

California obviously doesn't care about animals. Just wait till the PETA get involved.

Hmmm. We could issue officers a signal trasmitter that would send our Simian Recon Brigade recruits a mild electric jolt through their control collars everytime they got too close?

Like it! It may be possible in a few years to interfere with the electical signals in the brains of Simian Recon Brigade recruits, enabling senior officers to press a button which causes the chimps to salute properly. The research may be prohibitively expensive though, I don't think scientists will work for peanuts, bananas or even both!!!

You've given me an idea.... elephant spies. They're so obvious that they're inconspicuous, they NEVER forget, and they really do work for peanuts! Think about the potential. Also, they're more tractable, and don't hold a true hatred for humanity, and their lack of hands means they can't rebel effectively.

Consider that...

Can't salute senior officers though!!!

Can't salute senior officers though!!!

The trunk, silly. It could easily salute.

You've given me an idea.... elephant spies. They're so obvious that they're inconspicuous, they NEVER forget, and they really do work for peanuts! Think about the potential. Also, they're more tractable, and don't hold a true hatred for humanity, and their lack of hands means they can't rebel effectively.

Consider that...
Hmmm! Well, although they make big targets, you might be on to something here. They can communicate sub-sonically, so commo wouldn't be a problem, and just imagine the enemy reaction when an entire heard ( Division? ) of seemingly placid elephants suddenly turned on them at once and began separating arms and legs from bodies! The terror! The terror! :D

The trunk, silly. It could easily salute.

I stand corrected!!!!

*goes red with embarassment*

The trunk, silly. It could easily salute.
True, but we would have to make sure they didn't hold any water in those trunks before they salute. Can't you just imagine a whole General officer's staff being drenched? OMG! The horror! :D

Hmmm! Well, although they make big targets, you might be on to something here. They can communicate sub-sonically, so commo wouldn't be a problem, and just imagine the enemy reaction when an entire heard ( Division? ) of seemingly placid elephants suddenly turned on them at once and began separating arms and legs from bodies! The terror! The terror! :D

Actually, I was thinking more as spotters, merely because the idea of an elephant trying to look inconspicuous whilst looking through a comically large pair of binoculars (held by the trunk) amused me. But as ambush troops as well, I can see that they have definite potential.

Hmmm! Well, although they make big targets, you might be on to something here. They can communicate sub-sonically, so commo wouldn't be a problem, and just imagine the enemy reaction when an entire heard ( Division? ) of seemingly placid elephants suddenly turned on them at once and began separating arms and legs from bodies! The terror! The terror! :D

It'd be like that scene in lord of the rings (Without orcs, elves, dwarves, hobbits, swords, long-bows, trebuchets, catapults, battering rams, trolls, and firey battering rams, but other than that, the similarity is striking!!!)

Like it! It may be possible in a few years to interfere with the electical signals in the brains of Simian Recon Brigade recruits, enabling senior officers to press a button which causes the chimps to salute properly. The research may be prohibitively expensive though, I don't think scientists will work for peanuts, bananas or even both!!!
Do scientists work out of a sense of patriotic duty?

Nahhh! ;)

It'd be like that scene in lord of the rings (Without orcs, elves, dwarves, hobbits, swords, long-bows, trebuchets, catapults, battering rams, trolls, and firey battering rams, but other than that, the similarity is striking!!!)


So.... we're anticipating the enemy to be attacking from HORSEBACK, and engaging in a medieval style cavalry engagement?
Well, in that case, it's even better. Horses are scared of elephants.

Do scientists work out of a sense of patriotic duty?


Depends how hard you hit them!!!

Depends how hard you hit them!!!
You don't want to break them... they're fragile.

It'd be like that scene in lord of the rings (Without orcs, elves, dwarves, hobbits, swords, long-bows, trebuchets, catapults, battering rams, trolls, and firey battering rams, but other than that, the similarity is striking!!!)
LOL! Perhaps so. But the famous "shock effect" of tanks would be mild compared to The Elephant Ambush Brigade! :D

So.... we're anticipating the enemy to be attacking from HORSEBACK, and engaging in a medieval style cavalry engagement?
Well, in that case, it's even better. Horses are scared of elephants.

Well I did try to cover everything that wouldn't be there, but I knew i'd miss something out. However if we could persuade the enemy to use medieval battle tactics they'd be screwed, how persuasive are you???

You don't want to break them... they're fragile.
Maybe some sort of dire threat? "Maggot! I'm going to hit you three ways: hard, fast and continuously!" :D

LOL! Perhaps so. But the famous "shock effect" of tanks would be mild compared to The Elephant Ambush Brigade! :D

Different kind of shock though, you'd have the enemy worrying that they might have eaten something that didn't agree with them!!!

Their leaders have escaped!

http://www.animalmakers.com/Secure/RigsPuppetsFolder/ApesFolder/images/Chimps.jpg

We wouldn't have this problem had people taken some stories more seriously... (http://www.thejokester.net/Photo%20Toon%20Frameset/Books4Kids/images/Furious%20George_jpg.jpg)
At least they caught him. (http://www.kauhajoki.fi/~jplaitio/members/getss.gif)

Why don't people listen? Why? :(

Different kind of shock though, you'd have the enemy worrying that they might have eaten something that didn't agree with them!!!
OMG! Not the dreaded "sudden-bowel-movement" syndrome! Some guys had that problem in 'Nam! Ick! :D

We wouldn't have this problem had people taken some stories more seriously... (http://www.thejokester.net/Photo%20Toon%20Frameset/Books4Kids/images/Furious%20George_jpg.jpg)
At least they caught him. (http://www.kauhajoki.fi/~jplaitio/members/getss.gif)

Why don't people listen? Why? :(
We never seem to learn, eh LM? Sigh! :(

if we nuke the simians, will we promote nuclear war with apes and bring about planet of the apes, or will we wipe them out? we must know, think of the children!

We never seem to learn, eh LM? Sigh! :(
It just saddens me so...

We had been warned!

It just saddens me so...

We had been warned!
True. We just don't seem to listen real good. Like that whole thing with the giant ants. And remember what a mess Mothra and Rodan made of Tokyo? No one would listen! :(

All I can say is thank God for Godzilla! That was another top secret military project, by the way. Shhhh! [ glancing over my shoulder ]

OMG! Not the dreaded "sudden-bowel-movement" syndrome! Some guys had that problem in 'Nam! Ick! :D

I was thinking more along the lines of severe food poisoning leading to delirium and hallucinations. the reaction would be something like: "shit are we really being attacked by elephants, or am I just seeing things!!!"

I was thinking more along the lines of severe food poisoning leading to delirium and hallucinations. the reaction would be something like: "shit are we really being attacked by elephants, or am I just seeing things!!!"
Shhh! You're about to give away yet another top secret government project! Remember how disoriented some of the North Vietnamese regulars seemed when they emerged from the terminus of the Ho Chi Minh trail? That was not, as many have suggested, due to B-52 strikes! Shhhh!

Sorry for the spam but I just wanna see my siggy :D

Shhh! You're about to give away yet another top secret government project! Remember how disoriented some of the North Vietnamese regulars seemed when they emerged from the terminus of the Ho Chi Minh trail? That was not, as many have suggested, due to B-52 strikes! Shhhh!

I've no idea why I keep receiving emails detailing top secret government projects! they must know I can't keep my mouth shut, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to remove myself from their mailing lists!!!

I've no idea why I keep receiving emails detailing top secret government projects! they must know I can't keep my mouth shut, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to remove myself from their mailing lists!!!
It's a trap! They're trying to make you run afoul of the Patriot Act! Quick, delete all those emails, reformat your hard drive, and then burn your PC! Trust me, it's the only way out for you now!

hey people Quiets rabble , lets get back to the monkey pulping issue.

Oraranatangs (Sp?) are good. They are loyal to makind. Don't kill them.

Kill the rest of the monkeys. Make sure you get the ones with wings!

Oraranatangs (Sp?) are good. They are loyal to makind. Don't kill them.

Kill the rest of the monkeys. Make sure you get the ones with wings!
We have no intention of kiling them! We're going to put them to work in our top secret Simian Recon Brigade and use them to spy on terrorists, insurgents, Iran, Syria, Korea, and other miscreants! :D

We have no intention of kiling them! We're going to put them to work in our top secret Simian Recon Brigade and use them to spy on terrorists, insurgents, Iran, Syria, Korea, and other miscreants! :D

I say we send the biggest ape into action - Dubya!

Holy shit.
They ripped off his nose, foot, and testicles?
Bloody hell. I suppose if you must beat the crap out of somebody, you may as well do it right.
I'm going to have nightmares about this. "Aww, look at the monke... argh, my foot! I need that!"
Bad publicity for PG Tips, eh.

We're going to put them to work in our top secret Simian Recon Brigade and use them to spy on terrorists, insurgents, Iran, Syria, Korea, and other miscreants! :D

I think they'd be better off as an ambush unit than being used for spying...

1) As far as spying goes, it's only useful if we know what they've found, and only koko the gorilla would know how to tell us as far as i know.
2) The evidence (the original article at the top of the thread) suggests that they're less than subtle (severed his testicles and a foot?) and more inclined to surprise violence.
3) I don't really have a third point, but a two point list is rather lame so i added another.

I think they'd be better off as an ambush unit than being used for spying...

1) As far as spying goes, it's only useful if we know what they've found, and only koko the gorilla would know how to tell us as far as i know.
2) The evidence (the original article at the top of the thread) suggests that they're less than subtle (severed his testicles and a foot?) and more inclined to surprise violence.
3) I don't really have a third point, but a two point list is rather lame so i added another.
Thank you for your input and for your concern about our nation's defense posture. Should we need more information concerning your proposal we will download it from your hard drive.

Homeland Security

It's a trap! They're trying to make you run afoul of the Patriot Act! Quick, delete all those emails, reformat your hard drive, and then burn your PC! Trust me, it's the only way out for you now!

I guess since I'm not a US citizen I'm in even worse trouble!!! :eek:

Oh well I've always wanted to visit Cuba, I would have preffered a hotel though!!!

I guess since I'm not a US citizen I'm in even worse trouble!!! :eek:

Oh well I've always wanted to visit Cuba, I would have preffered a hotel though!!!

I went to Cuba on Winter Vacation.

I just moved from Calif. I lived right by the people who used to own Moe before he got taken away for biting someone.

I guess since I'm not a US citizen I'm in even worse trouble!!! :eek:

Oh well I've always wanted to visit Cuba, I would have preffered a hotel though!!!
Try The Che Gueverra Revolutionary Youth Hostel. It's not very pricey, and you get a free tour of the sugar cane fields! :D

The monkeys hate the humans.

Arm them! Send them out to wreak mayhem accross the globe! DEATH TO THE HUMANS! :mp5:

I'll shall be watching via my cctv network from within my secret bunker. When all humans are dead, after a heavy dose of propaganda to raise my status in their monkey-eyes, i shall emerge as their monkey god and RULE THE (monkey) WORLD!

Until the revolution comes, of course. Damn those revolutionaries.

The monkeys hate the humans.

Arm them! Send them out to wreak mayhem accross the globe! DEATH TO THE HUMANS! :mp5:

I'll shall be watching via my cctv network from within my secret bunker. When all humans are dead, after a heavy dose of propaganda to raise my status in their monkey-eyes, i shall emerge as their monkey god and RULE THE (monkey) WORLD!

Until the revolution comes, of course. Damn those revolutionaries.
And you're going to have who to make whoopee with??? Monkeys? :D

Try The Che Gueverra Revolutionary Youth Hostel. It's not very pricey, and you get a free tour of the sugar cane fields! :D

Mmmm... Sugar!!!

And you're going to have who to make whoopee with??? Monkeys? :D
There's plenty of room in my secret bunker, i never said i was the only one in it!

I suppose i should have specified "death to all humans outside my secret bunker."

There's plenty of room in my secret bunker, i never said i was the only one in it!

I suppose i should have specified "death to all humans outside my secret bunker."

Im joining you in your secret bunker ...with my harem of course.... then when you rule the world i will head your secret police force to keep insurgent simians from bringing harm to the rightful Consumate World Emperor *nods* and you can use the harem which are fully trained ninja girls... so they are flexy :fluffle: