NationStates Jolt Archive

"Jesus saves. The rest take full damage." God announced.
"Yes!" Jesus exclaimed. "The messiah is INVINCIBLE!"
"Oh yeah? Well I part the magic missile, so it can't hurt me."
Sighing, God explained, for the thousandth time, "That trick only works on water, Moses. You can't do that here."
"I'll use my Lay on Hands, don't worry." Jesus consoled the angry Moses.
"Your use of magic triggers the trap, which is activated on use of spells or spell-like abilities."
"What? I thought Satan's rogue disarmed all of the traps?"
"No, just the ones that affect me. Sorry!" The prince of darkness laughed.
"Hmm... Jesus, that damage is lethal. Don't worry, in a few days your ressurection spell-like ability will kick in."

You guys like it? I may make a whole dungeon, eventually. If I get decent feedback. I also apologize to anyone offended - though in my defence, there was a warning in the title...

looks like you're off to a good start.

I want to see Jesus and his buddies smite them some orcs. Jesus laying the smackdown on some orcs! That'd be cool.

No, but in all seriousness, you're going to hell now.

Thanks!

But don't worry, I'll just have a deathbed conversion. Doesn't matter how much I blaspheme, he HAS to accept me. :)

Nice, keep me updated on your progress.

This post amuses me. Go you!

You gonna burn!
Good Boy!
Nice extension of "Jesus Saves. Everyone else takes damage."
Tip: To prevent maximum burnination, don't believe you will go to hell. It worked for me!

If anyone has some bible/evangelist jokes that they think could be modified to fit in here, I'm hoping for them - I doubt I can get a long story going and keep it funny alone.

As an ardent christian I am loving it!!!!! I shoulda given you a run for your money and been like "I hate you, thats blashpemey I will hunt you down and convert you or kill you" but nah, that was to funny

If anyone has some bible/evangelist jokes that they think could be modified to fit in here, I'm hoping for them - I doubt I can get a long story going and keep it funny alone.
The Romans can attack with "Crucify".
*Jesus- Immobilized, taking 2d4 damage per second.

Doors: Thanks, that honestly means a lot.

NA: That sounds pretty good, but it can't be Romans. Can you think of anything from the monster manual that sounds similar?

Oh, and Satan's rogue could do with some antics - he's a bit difficult to write, given the rest of the crew.

Oh, and Satan's rogue could do with some antics - he's a bit difficult to write, given the rest of the crew.
Rogues do it from behind. (http://www.thinkgeek.com/pennyarcade/swag/72ef/zoom/)

May or may not be useful, but I just love it too much not to put it up here.

Rogues do it from behind. (http://www.thinkgeek.com/pennyarcade/swag/72ef/zoom/)

May or may not be useful, but I just love it too much not to put it up here.
I didn't get that for about 20 seconds of puzzled staring, then I understo
NEO-ANARCHISTS, THE CLUELESS BLUNDER, STRIKES AGAIN!!!
:p

By that I'm sure you mean "Sneak attack for an extra 3d6" or Backstab, right :)

<bump>, because I hope that this thread can stay alive until I return tomorrow.

bump

"God damn it, not literally God." cried John, "Jesus is doing it again. We're going to be in the wildeness for 4 weeks and he buys 'ONE' iron ration. Last time he pulled that feast thing all my wine and rations 'mysteriously" disappeared."

Jesus: "Okay, here's a plan. I'll Water Walk to the island, and when I give the signal, Moses parts it and the rest of the group moves in."

-----

God: "You are all in the First Layer of Hell, and find yourself surrounded by a swarm of vicious devils."

Jesus: "I prepare to call upon You for a Flame Strike."

John: "Hey waitaminit... why's the Rogue giving them some kinda secret handshake?"

Satan's Rogue: "This be my posse and my hood. First Rule, don't look at anyone in the eyes, especially me. Second Rule..."

Moses: "Someone's been watching Rising Sun a little too much..."

So Jesus is a paladin, eh?

I think the Head of Vecna needs to be worked into any DnD spoof...No matter the content.

*snicker*

God: So now you guys split up the loot...
Judas: WTF man? All I get is 13 pieces of silver? This is so unfair.
Peter: Hey, I'm the one who hung upside down to get the treasure!
Thomas: I rather doubt that.

God: 25 well armed Orcs come into view round the next corner whilst behind you come 3 large massively spikey trolls carrying clubs made from oak trees.

Jesus: Shi........er........thats bad. I call on You for Divine Wrath.

God: No.

Jesus: :confused: What do you mean no?

God: You are the Son of God, you can do it yourself, I don't always have time for you!

John: This reminds me of the time the romans came to get us...

Peter: But they were only there to arrest us...not eat us...

Jesus: Hmmmmm, ok then, I will use Conversion spell, on myself so i now believe in Allah, then I call on Allah to smite the infidels with his 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' power.

God: You can't do that!

Allah: Sorry he just did so I use 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' to destroy all non believers in the area...

Disciples: Nooooooo we haven't converted ye.......

Allah: Too late.

Alternative Ending :p

Jesus: Hmmmmm, ok then, I will use Conversion spell, on myself so i now believe in Allah, then I call on Allah to smite the infidels with his 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' power.

God: Haha! What the fuck are you talking about? I am Allah!

Jesus: Shit.

God: 25 well armed Orcs come into view round the next corner whilst behind you come 3 large massively spikey trolls carrying clubs made from oak trees.

Jesus: Shi........er........thats bad. I call on You for Divine Wrath.

God: No.

Jesus: :confused: What do you mean no?

God: You are the Son of God, you can do it yourself, I don't always have time for you!

John: This reminds me of the time the romans came to get us...

Peter: But they were only there to arrest us...not eat us...

Jesus: Hmmmmm, ok then, I will use Conversion spell, on myself so i now believe in Allah, then I call on Allah to smite the infidels with his 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' power.

God: You can't do that!

Allah: Sorry he just did so :p I use 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' to destroy all non believers in the area...

Disciples: Nooooooo we haven't converted ye.......

Allah: Too late.

This ends all wrong. It goes like this:


Jesus: Hmmmmm, ok then, I will use Conversion spell, on myself so i now believe in Allah, then I call on Allah to smite the infidels with his 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' power.

God: Haha! What the fuck are you talking about? I am Allah!

Jesus: Shit.

This ends all wrong. It goes like this:


Jesus: Hmmmmm, ok then, I will use Conversion spell, on myself so i now believe in Allah, then I call on Allah to smite the infidels with his 'Divine Flaming Thunderbolt' power.

God: Haha! What the fuck are you talking about? I am Allah!

Jesus: Shit.

Edited :p

Jesus: Ok then, screw that, I'm converting to Hinduism and Shiva will lay down some badass destruction around here...ohhhhh I could try Satanism instead...hmmmmmm gimme a sec...hey if i convert to Shiva do I get 2D6 extra arms?

From comic I once read-
Jesus- I Cast resurrection.
DM- but you're a level 2 bard!
Jesus- I try it anyway. *Rolls 1d20*
DM- You rolled... infinity? I hate it when you do that...

Jesus is a cool high level Priest.....

You guys like it? I may make a whole dungeon, eventually. If I get decent feedback. I also apologize to anyone offended - though in my defence, there was a warning in the title...
Decent, but do other prophets, moses wasn't that big.
Og how about Muhammad, he was a warrior/diplomat.

Decent, but do other prophets, moses wasn't that big.
Og how about Muhammad, he was a warrior/diplomat.
I think the rogue/assassain type is more appropriate for Mohammad's historical role. Mohammad, Phophet and Guildmaster of assassains.

You gonna burn!
Good Boy!
Nice extension of "Jesus Saves. Everyone else takes damage."
Tip: To prevent maximum burnination, don't believe you will go to hell. It worked for me!
Are you saying you died and posted from beyond the grave?

You guys like it? I may make a whole dungeon, eventually. If I get decent feedback. I also apologize to anyone offended - though in my defence, there was a warning in the title...


That sir (or madame) is by far the most awesome thing I have read all day.

100 Points to gryffindor! (or some other usesless geeky congratulations).

If you make an actual comic strip like that... i would gaurantee i would watch it every day, and show it to all my friends. :)

But have more then

Jesus, Moses and Satan... maybe Brahma and the guy that invented Mormonism as well? :P

I don't know enough about the disciples, and I was planning to keep it mostly Christian, but I guess Mohammad might fit in too. If someone can put up some more details about the disciples, and maybe other prohphets, that woulbe awesome - and something on the important angels, too.

Sdaeriji - he is a paladin/cleric multiclass. Moses is a sorceror, and Satan is a rogue. Muhammad plays a cleric too.

when does he summon the infernals?

<bump>

I might add something tonight. If I do, it'll be largely stolen from your ideas, with just what I need to string them together :) Actually, I think I have the story worked out, more or less, so in general your input will be stuck as just jokes tossed in if they can fit.

As the AkhunChick, high priest of the true popular peoples church of chick. Im appalled by this idea. Why isnt Chick there raining retribution on these blasphemous ideas like God, everyone knows Chick is god.

Sdaeriji - he is a paladin/cleric multiclass. Moses is a sorceror, and Satan is a rogue. Muhammad plays a cleric too.

Ooh. I knew he had to be a paladin, what with Lay on Hands and all.

Well, I'm a student of theology, and a roleplayer, and I definitely like that :P More, more, the masses want more

the guy that invented Mormonism as well? :P

One of his special skills is treasure hunter and quick witted. Also has the ability to turn normal bog standard silver plates into objects of religious renown.

Shouldn't the Spanish Inquisition pop up? Really, who expects that?

And when Jesus saves- doesn't he save everyone, including the baddies?

Orcs revive.
Jesus: "err, opps..?"

ah but i the almight warlock comes to destroy these mortals down to their very souls!

I think the rogue/assassain type is more appropriate for Mohammad's historical role. Mohammad, Phophet and Guildmaster of assassains.
Nah, I'm thinkin barbarian. Mohammed was all about killin dudes and keepin the women folks for later use.

Hahahah, very good. Just my worthless christian 2 cents, keep it "nerdy and lame 11 year olds playing D&D, or magic, or WoW". What I mean to say is cut the cussing out. Just whining, envying, bickering and the stuff. Anyhow..I enjoying it quite a bit.

God: You come upon a number of large stone tablets with what appears to be chicken scratch on them.

Jesus: Sweet, I pick them up.

Moses: Hey wait! You got the last holy relic! I want this one!

Jesus: Eh, whatever man... That's so unfair.

Moses: *chuckles gleefully to self* These are clearly the 10 laws of god, I'll let you have them, but you need to pay me.

Jesus: Sure!

Moses: *aside* Sucker.

*** *** ***

*10 orcs sneak up behind desciples and co. and tie them up*

Moses: Hey c'mon! Let my people go!

Jesus: Did that line work with the Sphynx?

Moses: No, but the angel of death thing did.

Jesus: Yah gotta love "Summon Monster VI"

Satan: I thought the whole summoning thing was my followers' job!

Moses: That's just like you! If you had your way you'd have everything! Even our souls.

Satan: *chuckles* Who says I don't? Remember the last time you were drinking Jesus' summoned wine?

What do you mean "If you made an actual comic strip"
Here's an actual comic strip! (http://onatable.keenspace.com/d/20021202.html)

Jesus would make one kickass paladin. Holy water at will?

Are you saying you died and posted from beyond the grave?

I'm saying I believed I would reincarnate. And I did.

-malevolent grin-

I like it, a lot.

"As ye harm none, do as thou wilt." - Wiccan Reed
Isn't it the Wiccan Rede?

This is a very funny idea. Funny indeed. *nodding slowly*

I wonder if there are lots of comics that devote themselves to blasphemy such as this...if so i want their linkies. :)

This would be the perfect time for a theological debate as to whether anyome can commit blasphemy. Let me explain: If God created everything, including evil, then making a joke about God and/or Christ isn't necessarily evil. Which wouldn't make it a blasphemous statement.

This would be the perfect time for a theological debate as to whether anyome can commit blasphemy. Let me explain: If God created everything, including evil, then making a joke about God and/or Christ isn't necessarily evil. Which wouldn't make it a blasphemous statement.Well I've always favored the translation of Shva' somewhat differently, blasphemy being swearing alligance to Y---h while not believing in the existance of Y---h. If you read the common Hebrew forms of Moses' 3rd Law, this is not an unreasonable formulation. But here I am redefining blasphemy away from the common assumed defintion, bypassing the theological argument about whether or not blasphemy can be commited. Under my defintion of blasphemy (3rd commandment sort), one can commit blasphemy but this thread would not be blasphemous.

I think it was better just as a little one-time joke - trying to write a stroy is making it a lot worse, especially since I was writing it in class and during lunch today. Still, here is what I have so far:

Thanks to: Gauthier, Neo-Anarchists, and Gnostikos of the NationStates Forums.

“Jesus saves. The rest take full damage." God announced.

"Yes!" Jesus exclaimed. "The messiah is INVINCIBLE!"

"Oh yeah? Well I part the magic missile, so it can't hurt me."

Sighing, God explained, for the thousandth time, "That trick only works on water, Moses. You can't do that here."

"I'll use my Lay on Hands, don't worry." Jesus consoled the angry Moses.

"Your use of magic triggers the trap, which is activated on use of spells or spell-like abilities."

"What? I thought Satan's rogue disarmed all of the traps?"

"No, just the ones that affect me. Sorry!" The prince of darkness laughed.

"Hmm... Jesus, that damage is lethal. Don't worry, in a few days your resurrection spell-like ability will kick in."

*****

One week later

“Ok, so where we left off, you had just left the cave and were approaching the shoreline. You need to get across to the island off the coast to catch the Blaspheming Cleric of Allah.” God announced.

“That’s me, right?” Mohhamed asked.

“Yes, that’s you.”

“Why do I have to be the villain?”

“You aren’t, you join the party when they meet you. After the big boss fight. Ok, Jesus, what do you do?”

"Okay, here's a plan. I'll Water Walk to the island, and when I give the signal, Moses parts it and the rest of the group moves in." Jesus told the group.

“Allright, you cross to the island. The thorns on the plants move aside for you, and you can see a trail.”

“I send a signal back – a burning cross in the air. ‘Under this sign, you shall conquer’.”

“Show off.” Moses muttered. “Allright, lets go. I part the water, and we cross.”

“Hmm…” God said, as he rolled some dice. “It seems two trolls have followed you, and are pursuing you across the partition.”

“Once we reach the other side, I let it crash back on them.”
“Ok – the trolls are dead, but the treasure they were carrying has sunk.”

“What?”

“Hey, you should have killed them on land.”

“Whatever. We follow the trail.”

“Ok, but the thorns that parted for you are closing back in on Satan, halting progress and dealing 2d4 damage.” God informed them. After rolling the dice, he said, “That’s 6. This slows down the whole party.”

“Hey! Eternal suffering in Hell wasn’t enough? Now my character has to suffer too?” Satan protested.

“A lightning bolt comes out of the blue and strikes the rogue, dealing 26 damage. You all hear the words, ‘Trifle not with the great divine.’”

“Fine, fine.” The dark one grumbled.

“Well, I hear them coming and go back to where they are.” Mohammed decided. “I’m not sitting around waiting for them. My cleric says, ‘Praise to Allah!”

sounds good so far

Thanks, I'm glad you like it :)

Ok, we ll know that this post is just a thinly veiled excuse to bump the thread. No one reads anything not in the top couple threads anyway...

Oh my lord, that was an absolutely hilarious opening so far. If we all got together on this we could come up with at least one season's worth of material.

http://onatable.keenspace.com/d/20021203.html

JESUS CHRIST!

http://onatable.keenspace.com/d/20021203.html

JESUS CHRIST!


Well, that was... Different...

God: The group encounters a warrior-looking type with the biggest muscles and mullet anyone have ever seen. He is staggering around blind.
Jesus: Who are you brave Sir and what has happened to thee?
Man: I am Samson, stranger.
Satan: Hey, I thought he snuffed it at the Temple of Dagon!
God: (Looks to Satan) What are you saying?
Satan: Umm... nothing. Nevermind.
Jesus: Anyways, what are you doing wandering about?
Samson: The Lord God hath spared me for reasons I cannot comprehend, however I must avenge myself on that deceitful hussy Delilah!
Peter: Whoa. Talk about blind fury.
Moses: That wasn't a bad film actually. (Looks at Samson then whispers to Peter) Keep this guy away from walking sticks or it's Murder Death Kill on a massive scale.
Satan: (Succeeding on his Listen check because he's Satan after all) Hmmm... Murder Death Kill eh? (Starts rummaging in his backpack of holding)
Jesus: (Looking at Satan) NO WALKING STICKS!!

rofl! I thinking of sending this to some of my other nerd christian friends

I think it was better just as a little one-time joke - trying to write a stroy is making it a lot worse, especially since I was writing it in class and during lunch today. Still, here is what I have so far:

Good Stuff

“A lightning bolt comes out of the blue and strikes the rogue, dealing 26 damage. You all hear the words, ‘Trifle not with the great divine.’”

That is so the way nearly every DM I have ever played under has acted.

Agreed. Hilarious!

Thanks, I'm glad you like it :)

Ok, we ll know that this post is just a thinly veiled excuse to bump the thread. No one reads anything not in the top couple threads anyway...
heh no problem, my post was a disguised tag ;)

and this is another bump :D

bump again? or am I just trying to raise a dead thing?

bump again? or am I just trying to raise a dead thing?
IT LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the Head of Vecna needs to be worked into any DnD spoof...No matter the content.

Jesus: "Vecna, John. John, Vecna."
Vecna: "Hello."
John: "Hello."
Salome: "As they say, two heads on a platter are better than one."

As I said earlier, I am too lazy to ctually research, so I can't use any submissions with the disciples. Also, I have NO idea what the head of Vecna is. And who is Samson?

Loved the wesbcomic link, though.

<buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump>

I actually made Jesus, the D&D character.
Jesus - Level 20 Cleric
Other party members:
Merlin - Level 20 Wizard
Sir Galahad - Level 20 Paladin
Legolas - Level 7 Figher, Level 13 Arcane archer
Rand Al'Thor - Level 20 Sorcerer
Bilbo Baggins - Level 20 Rogue

I know someone who wrote a song called "Baby Jesus defeats the evil skeleton". Maybe he was talking about D&D.

Rand al'Thor, level 20 sorceror? Works for me, but there is a WoT RPG I heard about once.

Rand al'Thor, level 20 sorceror? Works for me, but there is a WoT RPG I heard about once.
Yes, but it sucked. Badly.

Yes, but it sucked. Badly.
The RPG or the character?

The RPG or the character?
RPG

Ah, thanks for the warning. Oh, and <bump!>

b to the izzump

Uberbump

Sorry, I have been pretty busy, so no updates on the story. I am lagging on schoolwork, so it may be a while :(

no problem, we're patient ;)

That's good to hear. My English teacher is giving us an insane project, and half the timeline she had intended so she can get it in and graded by the end of the quarter. So, ironically, and English assignment is stopping me from writing XD

*Sigh*, and bump

*bump* Does anyone have anythign to say that can keep this topic alive until I get a chance to write a new installment? Thank you.

*bump* Does anyone have anythign to say that can keep this topic alive until I get a chance to write a new installment? Thank you.
no, we have not. ;)

how about a nudge?

*nudges*

yeah, a nudge would work

*nudges*

I wanna see Buddha the monk PC! :P And ofcourse..

*Mother Mary*I baked you all some cookies..
*God*Dude your mom is hot.
*Jesus*Shutup!
*god*One of these days i'm gonna hit it. *Nod*
*Jesus*God, damnit!
*Nostrodamus the twink of the group explains space-time qauntamn physics to everyone else in the group and makes a logical fact how God could "hit it" and Jesus still be here arguing with the almighty.*
*Nostrodamus is no longer invited to gaming sessions*

I wonder if the devil always rolls sixes?

depends on the size of the dice ... when possible he sometimes rolls 13 as well

*Mother Mary*I baked you all some cookies..
*God*Dude your mom is hot.
*Jesus*Shutup!
*god*One of these days i'm gonna hit it. *Nod*
*Jesus*God, damnit!
*Nostrodamus the twink of the group explains space-time qauntamn physics to everyone else in the group and makes a logical fact how God could "hit it" and Jesus still be here arguing with the almighty.*
*Nostrodamus is no longer invited to gaming sessions*
ROFL

Actually, I could work that in...

"Your sneak attack is succesful. Roll 3d6 of extra damage."

ah ah
ah ah
stayin alive




bump

Write more! Write more! I can't think of a single thing to add, but I love reading this thread.

Yeah, tell your English teacher to sod off and write more here!

Here's a line you need to add:

Jesus walks into the nearby Inn, places three nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

lol That's freaking hilarious!

Here's a line you need to add:

Jesus walks into the nearby Inn, places three nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"


Genius :D

Genius :D

I got it from an atheist board I frequent. They were searching for easter jokes.

I got it from an atheist board I frequent. They were searching for easter jokes.


Hehe, well they got a good one...me thinks a t-shirt print of that might be good... :D

Here's a line you need to add:

Jesus walks into the nearby Inn, places three nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

I find that funny, but it is also a bit too offensive - I've been trying to keep it at a level where it won't have crowds complaining.

<Bump> Now that the English assingment is done, I should have an update soon, assuming I can get off my lazy ass and write.

heh cool

The best thing about Jesus is that he can resurrect himself.

He doesn't have a lot of hit dice, but he can throw lightning bolts, turn you into a pillar of salt, and no matter how many times you kill him, he keeps coming back from the dead.

Without all the necromancy techniques, either. He comes back from the dead looking just fine (none of that zombie-like or undead appearance).

Yeah, I plan on bringing him back a few times. Sadly, I do not have enough material added to warrant an update - I was unable to get off my ass, plus the day after my essay is due, I get bombarded with other homework :(

I think a minimum age to own guns is probably good, since I might just go nuts and start to :mp5: , or maybe just :sniper: .

BUMP! WORK ON THIS ... please?

The best thing about Jesus is that he can resurrect himself.

He doesn't have a lot of hit dice, but he can throw lightning bolts, turn you into a pillar of salt, and no matter how many times you kill him, he keeps coming back from the dead.

Without all the necromancy techniques, either. He comes back from the dead looking just fine (none of that zombie-like or undead appearance).

He can heal and resurrect anyone in your party as well, the only trick is that they have to "believe" in him. He can also cure those annoying curses such as leprosy. And, when your party forgets to pack a lunch, and has spent its last copper on weaponry, Jesus can miracle up fish, bread, and wine at will. Gets kind of monotonous, I know, but it's better than iron rations.

Somewhere, maybe...

God: We've been playing D&D for thirty years...you're all 20th level plus and have various degrees of prophetic and/or messiah like insight. I think we should consider using the new "Epic" rules...

Jesus: I was thinking about a change, too...I've been reading this book, and I think I want to try playing a female character.

Moses: Dude, that's so gay...

Buddha: Why? Its roleplaying...he can play girl. I've been playing a psychotic half-orc with a necklace made of his enemy's gonads.

Moses: I wasn't gay-bashing, it just always comes off a little awkward when people play the opposite gender.

Mohammed: You didn't say anything when that Athena girl played a male cyborg when we were playing Rifts while camping.

Moses: Not the same thing. Anyway, I'm with God, we definitely need a change. How about "World of Darkness?" I want to try being a neurotic Vampire who goes clubbing a lot.

Mohammed: How about a few sessions of "Paranoia?" The mortals say we're supposed to hate eachother.

Satan: I still think we should be doing our roleplaying WITH mortals. Every time I try to inhabit a character, Junior over there has one of his penguins toss me out.

Jesus: Get bent.

God: Look, I really don't have the time to write up a whole new campaign. I was supposed to end the world five or six years ago, and I completely forgot because we got those new Forgotten Realms sourcebooks and played every night for a month. Any other ideas?

Somewhere, maybe...

God: We've been playing D&D for thirty years...you're all 20th level plus and have various degrees of prophetic and/or messiah like insight. I think we should consider using the new "Epic" rules...

Jesus: I was thinking about a change, too...I've been reading this book, and I think I want to try playing a female character.

Moses: Dude, that's so gay...

Buddha: Why? Its roleplaying...he can play girl. I've been playing a psychotic half-orc with a necklace made of his enemy's gonads.

Moses: I wasn't gay-bashing, it just always comes off a little awkward when people play the opposite gender.

Mohammed: You didn't say anything when that Athena girl played a male cyborg when we were playing Rifts while camping.

Moses: Not the same thing. Anyway, I'm with God, we definitely need a change. How about "World of Darkness?" I want to try being a neurotic Vampire who goes clubbing a lot.

Mohammed: How about a few sessions of "Paranoia?" The mortals say we're supposed to hate eachother.

Satan: I still think we should be doing our roleplaying WITH mortals. Every time I try to inhabit a character, Junior over there has one of his penguins toss me out.

Jesus: Get bent.

God: Look, I really don't have the time to write up a whole new campaign. I was supposed to end the world five or six years ago, and I completely forgot because we got those new Forgotten Realms sourcebooks and played every night for a month. Any other ideas?


Mohammed: Well, I think your combat system sucks ass. I think we should be doing something like Phoenix Command...

Jesus: Oh, and take all night to do two combat rounds - that's a good idea.

Buddha: I think he has something there - maybe if we could lose ourselves in the mechanics...

Moses: Oh no, then we wouldn't be "role" playing - we would be playing fucking Advanced Squad Leader...

Mohammed: Well, I think your combat system sucks ass. I think we should be doing something like Phoenix Command...

Jesus: Oh, and take all night to do two combat rounds - that's a good idea.

Buddha: I think he has something there - maybe if we could lose ourselves in the mechanics...

Moses: Oh no, then we wouldn't be "role" playing - we would be playing fucking Advanced Squad Leader...

Jesus: Look, Mo, you're the one into being Mr. Ruleslawyer.

God: Stow it, the both of you. If you guys want a different combat system, what about Friday Night Firefight? We can adapt it from the old Cyberpunk.

Buddha: Wait...do you have my Cyberpunk 2013 boxed set?

God: No. No, I don't.

Jesus: Satan, quit touching my dice!!! I arrange them like that for reason.

Buddha: No, wait, now, I remember loaning it to you when you were threatening to kill that Oral Roberts guy.

God: Drop it, ok? Lets get this settled or I'm taking us back to AD&D and you'll all be calculating THACOs from now until Jesus has to head back down.

4 words...
Cleric Spell: HOLY SMITE

4 words...
Cleric Spell: HOLY SMITE

which is definitely more effective than the "Drunk Irishman Spell: HOLY SHITE"

Jesus: Look, Mo, you're the one into being Mr. Ruleslawyer.

God: Stow it, the both of you. If you guys want a different combat system, what about Friday Night Firefight? We can adapt it from the old Cyberpunk.

Buddha: Wait...do you have my Cyberpunk 2013 boxed set?

God: No. No, I don't.

Jesus: Satan, quit touching my dice!!! I arrange them like that for reason.

Buddha: No, wait, now, I remember loaning it to you when you were threatening to kill that Oral Roberts guy.

God: Drop it, ok? Lets get this settled or I'm taking us back to AD&D and you'll all be calculating THACOs from now until Jesus has to head back down.


Jesus: Remember the good old days when we used to play in God's basement...
Moses: Yeah, and his mom was so cool.
Mohammed: Oh, not this shit again. I'm really tired of wasting a whole gaming night on "do you remember when?"
Buddha: You should talk. You still haven't finished rolling up your character.
Mohammed: I have finished rollling him up. I just haven't finished buying my equipment yet.
God: Let me see that character sheet. I don't remember watching you roll any dice.
Jesus: This is going to take all night. Anyone want to do a 7-11 run?
Buddha: I'd rather order a pizza. That way I can get something with vegetables on it.
Jesus: It's ok to eat meat you know.
Buddha: Well, it's not just the meat. I don't feel like eating junk from 7-11.
Moses: It was good enough for you when we were teenagers.
God: Mohammed, there's no way you rolled three 18s.
Mohammaed: I thought you said we could pick the best 3 out of 4 dice.
God: When did I say that?
Jesus: That's what we do when I DM, remember.
God: This is my campaign, and I don't do that. If we wanted to do that, we could play Hackmaster.

Jesus: Remember the good old days when we used to play in God's basement...
Moses: Yeah, and his mom was so cool.
Mohammed: Oh, not this shit again. I'm really tired of wasting a whole gaming night on "do you remember when?"
Buddha: You should talk. You still haven't finished rolling up your character.
Mohammed: I have finished rollling him up. I just haven't finished buying my equipment yet.
God: Let me see that character sheet. I don't remember watching you roll any dice.
Jesus: This is going to take all night. Anyone want to do a 7-11 run?
Buddha: I'd rather order a pizza. That way I can get something with vegetables on it.
Jesus: It's ok to eat meat you know.
Buddha: Well, it's not just the meat. I don't feel like eating junk from 7-11.
Moses: It was good enough for you when we were teenagers.
God: Mohammed, there's no way you rolled three 18s.
Mohammaed: I thought you said we could pick the best 3 out of 4 dice.
God: When did I say that?
Jesus: That's what we do when I DM, remember.
God: This is my campaign, and I don't do that. If we wanted to do that, we could play Hackmaster.

Moses: Why don't we play Hackmaster? Satire can be fun, remember that night we got loaded on God's mom's Schlitz and played "Kobolds Ate my Baby" for 11 hours?

Mohammed: Wait, I just spent an hour rolling up "Needlebaum the Nervous Cleric" based on Woody Allen. Now we're switching games?

Jesus: "Rolling up", he says. You're not fooling anybody, dude.

Buddha: My friend Gilgamesh had to get a job at 7-11 when people stopped believing in him, and he says he worked there for 8 months, and never once changed the hot dogs on the little metal roller thing.

God: Fine, whatever, pizza with chickpeas and water chestnuts, I don't care.

Mohammed and Moses in stereo: No sausage.

Jesus: Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes out of my Father's mouth.

God: Ham-handed asskissing isn't going to make me overlook that you still haven't recorded damage from "Passion of the Christ".

Satan: I'm not late am I?

God: Better late than never.

Jesus: Not him again. I thought...

God: Don't start your whining again. He makes the play interesting.

Moses: Interesting?!

Mohammed: He always plays the same character, no matter who he rolls up.

Satan: I do not. You're just mad because I've killed you in such ignominious ways.

Buddha: I still think player-on-player violence weakens us all. Your desire for everybody's magic items makes us all suffer.

Satan: Please, knocking down God's NPCs got old a long time ago. If you want a real challenge, Player on Player is the only way to go.

Jesus: Eloi, Eloi, why don't you stop him?

God: We've been over this, he has free will. I can't interfere.

Mohammed: You didn't mind interfering when his pilfering was screwing up your big "Fragments of the Eldritch Tome" module that cost you "$20 me-damned bucks".

Satan: Holy crap, Mo, how did you get 18's in Strength, Wisdom, and Charisma?

Mohammed: What are you suggesting?

o_O So many new posts! I am sorry to say that I have more or less ditched this project. I come up with a ton of ideas for new things, but I cen never keep them flowing to make them work - and while all of the suggestions rock, I really can't fit most of them into a story, since the characters are significantly different in many of them. As much as I'd love to do something satirical about God, Lucifer, and such, I lack the talents of the creators of Satan's Salvation or Sinfest.