NationStates Jolt Archive

The Big Cockroach
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.

Cute.

A man goes into a bar after work for a drink. It's pretty empty, so he orders a drink and starts eating some peanuts. The drink finally gets there, and he begins to cut loose. After a while, he hear's a voice. "Hey...nice haircut." Guy looks around, no one there. So he shrugs it off and orders another drink and takes some peanuts. Little while later, he hears the voice again. "Hey...nice shoes." Looks around again. The bartender is at the other end of the bar, and no one is around. He takes another handful of nuts and tries to play it off. "Hey...nice jacket. It is new?"

So he's pretty freaked out, and calls the bartender over. "Did...did you hear a voice just now?"
Bartender says no, and looks at him funny.
"Are you sure? Cause I keep hearing someone talking to me."
Bartender thinks for a minute, and suddenly it dawns on him. "Have you been eating these nuts?"
"Yes.."
"Oh, the peanuts are complimentary."

*groan*

Haha, my dad used to tell me that one when I was younger.

...both of those, actually.

I think they're cute... in a corny way.

Gaeltach I nominated you in my thread. :p

Gaeltach I nominated you in my thread. :p
:p Oh no...what thread would that be?

'NSers say the darndest things...'

Don't worry I think I did a good job of not portraying you in any specific way.

Two men walk into a bar.

The first guy turns to the second and says, "It's okay, I didn't see it there either."

Oh man, more bar jokes? Haha..

'NSers say the darndest things...'

Don't worry I think I did a good job of not portraying you in any specific way.
lol, why does that make me nervous?

two monkeys sitting in a bath, one says "oo oo oo ah ah ah".




the other says "put some more cold in".

I doesn't. I just don't want you to bring out the knife again.

The Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the President sent in a crack team of the best spies in all America. On a windy night in Warsaw, he waited at the pre-arranged rendezvous to find out what thety had learnt. An hour passed, then another, and just as he was giving up hope a figure emerged out of the gloom, staggering slowly towards him, the leader of his crack team. Collapsing into the President's arms, he breathed just one sentence before death: "You'll just have to give it up Sir, there's no use spying over milled Krilk..."

I doesn't. I just don't want you to bring out the knife again.
lol So I take it you don't like evil Gael?

Let's take this convo elsewhere.

/hijack

The Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the President sent in a crack team of the best spies in all America. On a windy night in Warsaw, he waited at the pre-arranged rendezvous to find out what thety had learnt. An hour passed, then another, and just as he was giving up hope a figure emerged out of the gloom, staggering slowly towards him, the leader of his crack team. Collapsing into the President's arms, he breathed just one sentence before death: "You'll just have to give it up Sir, there's no use spying over milled Krilk..."
Oh my god. *dies laughing*

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted....




(VERY old)

Three strings walk into a bar. Bartender comes up to them and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." Dejectedly, they go back outside and try the pub down the street. However, they get a similar response. In fact, no one in this town seems to want to serve them. So one of the strings gets a brilliant idea, ties himself in the middle, and lays in the street until he gets run over a few times. He then goes back into the first bar and orders a drink. Bartender comes back and says "Buddy, didn't I just tell you we don't serve strings here?" To which the string replies "I'm a frayed knot."

These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days but food is starting to run short.

On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.

"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a ...?"

"No it can't be"

"Yes, yes it is! It's a bacon tree!"

And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a tree with 'fruits' of the porcine kind hanging off every branch. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.

The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps:

"Zat was an 'am bush."

Sherlock Holmes goes round to Watson's house and knocks at the door. Watson answers and Holmes asks him, 'Have painted your porch Yellow old chap?'
'I have,' exclaims Watson, 'how could you tell?'
'It's a lemon entry my dear Watson.'

My all-time favourite science geek punny:
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
The other replies, "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"

In a Scandinavian race, the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little ,which made him rather weak, and drank his own urine, which gave him bad breath.

This made him 'A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!'

What do sea-monsters eat?
Fish and Ships.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

The ultimate pun!

:( Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted....




(VERY old)

BUHAHAHAHAH Aim so lame i had to read it twice to get it /cry