EmoBuddy
17-02-2005, 02:49
I made this freshman year and it has been sitting on my computer ever since. Since Robert Byrne, author of The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said and subsequent titles rejected it for publication in his next book, I figured I'd share it with you guys for laffs or possibly ridicule. Enjoy!
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You should Know: People referenced by first names are friends/acquantances, Mrs. Kaiser is an honors history teacher who is a bit off her rocker.
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"They are the kind of couplets that save lives" -Jake in reference to
heroic couplets
"The only difference between a barber and butcher is how hard you cut" -Me
"What will we do with the don Juan?" -Herbert Q. Bunkelstein
"Laws of nature say: You're Dead!" -Oliver Couster
"My naked weapon is out" -Mercutio
"And God said: Let there be diabetics!" -Johannes Gernster
"Don't cry, Emokid" -Emma
"That was worth two points Rafe" -Mrs. Kaiser
"Every guy wants to be 6'4" " -Laison Officer
"Seriously, I'm getting angry. I only get angry once a year" -Mrs. Kaiser
"If I made a mistake..." -Mrs. Kaiser (definition of an absolute certainty)
"Who cares? Hu cares." -Brett
"The proles spend their lives kissing ass." -adapted from Seegs
"If there were an orphan on my doorstep...I'd kick it" -Anonymous
"I pledge allegiance to the peacock" -Emma
"Error: Penis" -Message received by Alan when his computer getting hacked
"When he church start becoming more liberal? When Al Gore came to town."
-Emma
"I am a tangent" -JP Fredson
"The part where the nun kept trying to commit suicide...that was the part
that interested me most" -Courtney
"It's correct because I printed it up" -Mrs. Kaiser
"Depends on your measuring stick" -Mrs. Kaiser
"The truth is not out there. Only lies." -Petey
"Conclusions are for the weak" -Karl
"Average intelligence borders legally retarded" -Michelle Montainer
"One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to compose a
simple declarative sentence not containing the word shit." -Unknown
"Thanks for letting me have the hump" -Emma
"French people do not laugh. They make a noise." –Spot
"you've got all the right curves, in all the right places."
-Angie. She watched me [Sarah S.] skating on saturday.
"emma, you would look so much cooler on fire."-Zev
"that doesn't look like delacroix! that looks like mister rogers!"
-the Kaiz
"Whitney, every time you smile, something dies" -Mac J.
"Oops, kinda lost my sense of gravity there" -Emma after randomly falling off chair in biology class
"I dream about all the murderers in my house. It's really scary." –Lucy
“Some claim there’s no innuendo in pool, I would disagree: you can score with a good stick and balls, and a little skill” –Mac
"Lawyers are rats. Just shoot them. I have a pile of them in my backyard." -Serguey [however you spell that kid's name. phonetically 'sir-gay'.]
"Have you ever had tapioca pudding" -Mr. Stresman trying to explain semen to biology class
++++
Honorable mentions:
"Abstainance [sic] is abstaining from not doing something" -Mr. Bazlon
"This is school. No laughing." -Mrs. Kaiser
"What if Frankenstein had been a short person?" Then he'd be Franken-Midget!" –Von Berstein
“I'm usually not much of a huggle bear (mother dearest says I am "a bit tactily defensive").” –Emma
“You can think of a stapler teaching the same lessons as school: Don't think, just staple. A stapler could also be representative of the working class: generally ugly, easily used, primarily functioning to manipulate pieces of paper (green or otherwise), and capable of making noise if hit hard enough.” –1337 H4X0R
“What is the straightest line between two points?” -Me
-------------------------------------------------------------
You should Know: People referenced by first names are friends/acquantances, Mrs. Kaiser is an honors history teacher who is a bit off her rocker.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"They are the kind of couplets that save lives" -Jake in reference to
heroic couplets
"The only difference between a barber and butcher is how hard you cut" -Me
"What will we do with the don Juan?" -Herbert Q. Bunkelstein
"Laws of nature say: You're Dead!" -Oliver Couster
"My naked weapon is out" -Mercutio
"And God said: Let there be diabetics!" -Johannes Gernster
"Don't cry, Emokid" -Emma
"That was worth two points Rafe" -Mrs. Kaiser
"Every guy wants to be 6'4" " -Laison Officer
"Seriously, I'm getting angry. I only get angry once a year" -Mrs. Kaiser
"If I made a mistake..." -Mrs. Kaiser (definition of an absolute certainty)
"Who cares? Hu cares." -Brett
"The proles spend their lives kissing ass." -adapted from Seegs
"If there were an orphan on my doorstep...I'd kick it" -Anonymous
"I pledge allegiance to the peacock" -Emma
"Error: Penis" -Message received by Alan when his computer getting hacked
"When he church start becoming more liberal? When Al Gore came to town."
-Emma
"I am a tangent" -JP Fredson
"The part where the nun kept trying to commit suicide...that was the part
that interested me most" -Courtney
"It's correct because I printed it up" -Mrs. Kaiser
"Depends on your measuring stick" -Mrs. Kaiser
"The truth is not out there. Only lies." -Petey
"Conclusions are for the weak" -Karl
"Average intelligence borders legally retarded" -Michelle Montainer
"One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to compose a
simple declarative sentence not containing the word shit." -Unknown
"Thanks for letting me have the hump" -Emma
"French people do not laugh. They make a noise." –Spot
"you've got all the right curves, in all the right places."
-Angie. She watched me [Sarah S.] skating on saturday.
"emma, you would look so much cooler on fire."-Zev
"that doesn't look like delacroix! that looks like mister rogers!"
-the Kaiz
"Whitney, every time you smile, something dies" -Mac J.
"Oops, kinda lost my sense of gravity there" -Emma after randomly falling off chair in biology class
"I dream about all the murderers in my house. It's really scary." –Lucy
“Some claim there’s no innuendo in pool, I would disagree: you can score with a good stick and balls, and a little skill” –Mac
"Lawyers are rats. Just shoot them. I have a pile of them in my backyard." -Serguey [however you spell that kid's name. phonetically 'sir-gay'.]
"Have you ever had tapioca pudding" -Mr. Stresman trying to explain semen to biology class
++++
Honorable mentions:
"Abstainance [sic] is abstaining from not doing something" -Mr. Bazlon
"This is school. No laughing." -Mrs. Kaiser
"What if Frankenstein had been a short person?" Then he'd be Franken-Midget!" –Von Berstein
“I'm usually not much of a huggle bear (mother dearest says I am "a bit tactily defensive").” –Emma
“You can think of a stapler teaching the same lessons as school: Don't think, just staple. A stapler could also be representative of the working class: generally ugly, easily used, primarily functioning to manipulate pieces of paper (green or otherwise), and capable of making noise if hit hard enough.” –1337 H4X0R
“What is the straightest line between two points?” -Me