NationStates Jolt Archive

A Navajo Indian escorted certain tribal artifacts to New York for a museum's National Heritage exposition. He was fascinated with Manhattan. A native noticed him walking around staring at things, and walked up to him. 'So,' he asked, 'What do you think of our city?'
'Oh, it's wonderful,' was the reply, 'And what do you think of our country?'

A Navajo Indian escorted certain tribal artifacts to New York for a museum's National Heritage exposition. He was fascinated with Manhattan. A native noticed him walking around staring at things, and walked up to him. 'So,' he asked, 'What do you think of our city?'
'Oh, it's wonderful,' was the reply, 'And what do you think of our country?'
Would they say that, given their views on property?

Would they say that, given their views on property?

Stop killing the joke!

Why one can't starve in the desert?

Because of the sand which is there.

(Actually, this joke was my first contact with British humour. Thank God, I've watched some Monthy Python movies since then, which corrected my first impression of British humour which wasn't, I would say, very positive.)

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar; bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

No offense or any thing.... but that was weak :p

Ye gads... Please, no dead babiy jokes!

Except, you know... whats the difference between a dead baby and a rock?

If you know the answer, you know the pain I feel of that knowledge. Keep it from the world. :P

Whats the difference?.

You know when people tell you that you don't want to know?

And that makes your really really want to know?

Trust me, you really really don't want to know.

You can't pick up rocks with a pitchfork?

I also hate dead baby jokes but my friend does. I think shock humor is lame.

lol

I love dead baby jokes, I think they are great.

A man finds his girlfriend furiously packing a suitcase in the bedroom and asks her what's up.

His girlfriend replies, "My therapist says that you're a pedophile and I should leave you!"

The man replies, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an eleven-year-old!"

A dislexic man walks into a bra.

What do you get when you cross a potato and a bottle of 1969 Red wine?

How the hell do I know?

Thank you Woden

American Intelligence in WWII?
Nope.
How many gears does an Italian Tank have?
4 for reverse and 1 forward in case they are attacked from the rear.

Whats the 3rd smallest book in the world?
Book of Jewish Gifts

Whats the 2nd smallest book in the world?
Book of Italian Commando operations in WWII

Whats the smallest book in the world?
Book of Jewish Christmas Gifts.

SPAIN- :p

Murphy goes into the room and sees Paddy smacking his head with a hammer.
"Paddy why are you hitting your head with a Hammer?

Paddy replies
"Its simple i do it for the pleasure"
"And hows that Paddy?"
"Well it's simple when i quit hitting my head the pain stops and the pleasure starts."- :p

What happened to the guy who kept telling dead baby jokes?

I shot the bastard with a minigun.

What happend to the guy who kept telling paedophile jokes?

See above.

Try some clean humor, please. I'm not in the mood to go to my dark side. I like sick jokes as much as the next man, but not now.

What happened to the guy who kept telling dead baby jokes?

I shot the bastard with a minigun.

What happend to the guy who kept telling paedophile jokes?

See above.

Try some clean humor, please. I'm not in the mood to go to my dark side. I like sick jokes as much as the next man, but not now.

You don't own the forum!
Free Speech you Communist!!!

Sorry I just have trouble finding non sick non sexist non racist.... or any thing non pc funny..

You don't own the forum!
Free Speech you Communist!!!

http://victorjr.users.superford.org/pictures/various/owned/ownedbaby.gif

[/end hypocrosy]

:D

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

I think I missed that last one harlesburg (its okk, Im stupid you see)

Spains a Joke.

Example Aratere couldnt make a ship to play with in the bath

Two fish are sitting on a perch. One turns to hte other and says I smell fish.


Where doeis hilter keep his armies.... In his sleevies.....


I can't think of anything better at this time of night.

Man I love that animation!. If you could get animated tattoos I would get that on my forehead!.

Man I love that animation!. If you could get animated tattoos I would get that on my forehead!.

I truly rock. The key to humor is to time it right.

A man walks into an elevator with a woman in it and promptly says "Can I smell your C***" and the woman replies "certainly not!". The man then says "ohh it must be your feet then"

Whats worse than finding a cockroach in your taco?
finding half a cockroach in your taco

Where doeis hilter keep his armies.... In his sleevies.....

One of my personnel favourites. ;)

Q: Why are Shaquille O’Neal free throws like snowflakes?
A: Because no two are alike, and if a bunch of them pile up it can create a real problem.
Fortunately for the Lakers, David Stern has instituted a new rule for the NBA Finals. Any time Shaq is fouled, his free throws may be taken by any of the Laker Girls.


Last October, Seau — who is of Samoan descent — apologized for suggesting the way to stop former teammate LaDainian Tomlinson is to feed him fried chicken and watermelon. Seau said he meant no harm, and Tomlinson, who is black, laughed it off.

“A joke that came out last night, due to my stupidity, is something we have to deal with today,” Seau said Thursday at the team’s practice facility. “With that, I am very sad and I apologize.”

Ed gave orders to burn the women, rape the horses and steal the houses. or some thing like that.

The Singing Sword of My Warrior Puppet
1 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
2 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
3 - A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
4 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
5 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head.
6 - Hangovers go away.
7 - When you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
8 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
9 - A beer always goes down easy.
10 - You can share a beer with your friends.
11 - Beer is always wet.
12 - You always know you are the first one to pop a beer.
13 - A frigid beer is a good beer.
14 - You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
15 - You can enjoy a beer all month long.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v630/harlesburg/ArmiesoftheReich.jpg
Hitlers armies

A pan of muffins is in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" The other muffin says, "Ahhhhhhhhh! A talking muffin!"

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub. One elephant turns to the other and says, "Please pass the soap." The other elephant says, "No soap radio!"

What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow with three legs? A tripod. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with one leg? A steak. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


And I'm very tempted to post some very disturbing jokes. But then I'll feel really dirty and wanna kill myself, so I'll just stick with the corny variety.

The Lost Dr. Seuss Tongue Twister
See if you can do this
Read each line aloud:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat


Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!

No More Children!

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough so the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me, I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.

This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, and then hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Captured By Cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Captured By Cannibals

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
he he

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v630/harlesburg/MichealMoore.jpg

Why do Elephats paint the bottoms of their feet Yellow?.
So they can hide upsidedown in the custard.

What's a baby before it's born?
Daddy's little squirt.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and the other to drink till the room spins.

Q:What do we need for a Beatles' reunion?


A:Two more funerals.


Q:How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A:Who cares? Let them cry in the dark!

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and the other to drink till the room spins.

This may seem evil, but I've had this idea a while. I mean no offence.

How many welshmen does it take a screw a lightbulb?

They don't! They'ed rather screw sheep!

How many humans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



2, but it would have to be a really big bulb!!!!!! ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Why would I be offended?. Im not welsh and I have no welsh in my family at all.

You all know what a Freudian slip is, right? It's when you say one thing when you really meant a mother.

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.



This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Be careful... the mods take a dim view on sex jokes.

Ohh how sad, They are some of the best jokes.

Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both hunting for dead beaver.


A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".



A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub. One elephant turns to the other and says, "Please pass the soap." The other elephant says, "No soap radio!

:confused:

Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink."

mmm 200th post

mmm 200th post


Look for me in a few posts time.

Ill think about it.

mmm 200th post

mmmm... Ihaven't shuddered for a couple of hundred posts
Damn
*shudders*

mmmm... Ihaven't shuddered for a couple of hundred posts
Damn
*shudders*

Would you like a moose with that?.

A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up to him and says, "What can I get you?"
The vampire says, "A cup of hot water."
The bartender looks at him strangely, but gets the water. When he brings it over to the vampire, he says, "I thought you guys drank blood. What's with the water?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "What, you've never heard of a tea bag?"

Ok thats going too far...

Its okk, I had pie for lunch.

A Guy goes to the Doctors, says "Doctor I've got a Strawberrys gowing out of my ears".
The doctor says, "I can give you some cream for that". - Tommy Cooper.


Two flies on a dog turd, one farts, the other says "do you mind? I'm eating!"


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

There was this guy, He walked up to his friend and said "hi" his friend replied "Yhea sure, but only on tuesdays"

whats green, yellow and eats nuts?
gonnorhea.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said 'WHAT????!!! What was that?!'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier'.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT???!!!'

I then said, 'Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

Three Jesus's walk in a bar, and the bartender asks them what they want.

"I want a Guiness," Says the first.

"A Samuel Adams for me," Says the second.

"Wait," Says the third. "Why are there three of me!?"

(its actually funnier when said in person)

Would you like a moose with that?.
Yes please...

A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up to him and says, "What can I get you?"
The vampire says, "A cup of hot water."
The bartender looks at him strangely, but gets the water. When he brings it over to the vampire, he says, "I thought you guys drank blood. What's with the water?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "What, you've never heard of a tea bag?"
HAh Funnier than Poland

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men...
...Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

Ain't that like a woman?

A dwarf, a ranger, and an elf walk into a bar. The bartender says.

"What can I get for the nice dwarf, the gentleman, and the the fair lady? ?"

There was this ex-marine who had served in Vietnam. And when the war in Iraq broke out he wanted to re-join and fight the enemy. So he went to the local Marine recruiter and asked to go fight. The recruiter said he was to old. So he went to the Pentagon where he had some Marine buddies and asked them if he could go fight. They said you're to old. So he went and bought a row boat and started to row across the Atlantic ocean to Iraq saying "Semper Fi, do or die oo ra oo ra." Saint Paul noticed him and said to God, "Look at that man rowing across the ocean to go fight, but he's to old." So God said, "Take his brain." It was done. The loss of the ex-marine's brain didn't phase him though, he just said, "Semper Fi, do or die oo ra oo ra." So Saint Paul returned to God and said, "He's still rowing?" So God said, "Take his heart." It was done. The loss of his heart didn't phase the Marine he just said, "Semper Fi, do or die oo ra oo ra." Saint Paul returns to God and says, "He's still rowing." and God says, "Take his family jewels." It was done. The loss of the Marine's family jewels must have worked, because he began saying, "Here we go off into the wild blue yonder..."

"What is Dobbstown?"
"It is John Dillinger's real penis, savaged in muscular gravy and served with mushroom people."

And now, for your installment of British Humour!

Lord Ramsby was busy sipping some tea and reading the paper when his servant runs in, all panicked.
"What is it, Barrymore?"
"The river Thames is overflowing sir, it's coming this way!!"
"Barrymore, get out, then come in and say that like a proper English servant."
The servant walks out, then steps in.
"The Thames, sir."
_________________________________________________________________

"Oh fuck, I'm burning!"
"That you are mate? You're in no condition to go on a safari!"

What happened to the quality of the jokes here? We had a great joke thread a few weeks back, but these...ewww.

Anyway here's my contribution (it can't be worse than the ones here):
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"