Etaros
10-02-2005, 00:26
I wrote this because I was agonized by a million questions. Maybe you'll enjoy this, maybe you won't. *shrug*
I am lost, and I am confused. The very thought that I can find what I want is ridiculous, because I don't know what I want. Will I ever? Perhaps. Can I see myself finding what I want right now? Maybe. Maybe all I want to know is simply that. I just want to know who I am, what I am, why I am. I desire these things because I am not found, but I don't know if I desire to be found. I am confused. My name is Matt, or is it Matthew? I'll try to answer for you who I am. What I am. Why I am. I am a human being, born in Bossier City, Louisiana on December 2, 1987. Today is February 9, 2005. I am 17 years old, among many other things. My life, as others, is an adventure. I see life as an exploration of our inner selves, perhaps one that is in vain. I see no end to my wonder. It is slightly depressing, slightly exciting. I long for a day where I may know what tomorrow can bring, but then I dread the day that my future is spelled out for me. I want to continue this process of exploring who I am, but I also desire to know what I am. I don't think I want a full picture, I just want something to go by. I want something that tells me, "Okay, I'm human. There are people out there like me." I mean, even if I did know that, would I be happy? I doubt it. I think happiness is something we all want and crave. I think we all experience it sometimes, but it's never constant. When we don't think about things, we are illusioned with the idea that we are happy. However, I feel that we are merely in a state of bliss. Happiness, in my mind, is defined as knowledge. If I know the answer to a question, I am happy. If I know why something happens, I am happy. If I know whether I feel lust or love for that person with those captivating eyes and beautiful body, I am happy. If I know what I am, I am happy.
I know none of these things. Therefore, I am unhappy. I am just the same as all my fellow human beings, teenagers, children, adults, and elderly. I am the same. I am different. I am these many things, folded into a million folds. I don't know what I am, and I barely know what I want. I want answers. I want questions. I want to be all-knowing. I want to know nothing. I want to tremble in fear, and I want to be captivated by comfort. It is not my fear of the unknown that so despairs me, but it is the unknown that plagues my fears. Life is not my companion, it is my enemy and my friend. I am living for one reason -- to find out why I am living. If there is a God, I feel that he has placed us upon this Earth for his mere amusement. Our questions are his laughter, our answers are his grins. Our neverending quest for meaning is simply a source of his amusement, and this is why I desire to find answers. I hate the questions I ask, because they lead to more confusion. I love them though, because it makes me know that I am not crazy or catatonic, because I desire one thing -- to know more. To know why, how, when, where. I ask these questions, and I love to ask them. I hate that I must. My fingers touch the keyboard in a continous rant that may never solve any of my questions. But this is a way for me to pour out my thoughts. To infect others with them. To make you too question your existence, to question mine, to question everything. I am the source of freedom, the questions I ask are my liberty.
I feel many things. I despise pine trees, the rugged landscape of northern Louisiana. Why? Because they are the things that oppress me, the things that block my eyes from seeing the gentle hills of the Appalachians, or the rolling waves of the Pacific. I long to rest upon a lush mountain in Hawaii, lay upon the beach and watch the sun rise and set. My heart desires that I live in Paradise, a neverending summer of dreams fulfilled and beauty unending. I long to climb mountains, to swim beneath the deep seas, to cry for days on end because of death or despair. I want to laugh until I cannot breathe, I want to break every last bone in my body so that I can say, "I survived the impossible." I never, however, want to endure the pain that such experiences would bring. I want to explore the world. I want to see the beauty of the sea slapping upon the coast, but I also want to see the horror of the Mexican ghetto where children climb through piles of garbage to find that rotten banana to eat. I want to rub my hands along the smooth trunk of an ancient tree, I want to feel the body of an adonis, and I want to kiss the most amazing man alive -- the love of my life. I want to gain everything and to lose everything, I want to be one and I want to be many. I want to be beautiful, yet I want to be ugly. I want to know what it's like to be like ME. I want to make sense, but I want to hide what resides deep in my heart. I want to show everyone how I feel at the same time.
You who reads this will find that I am insane. Perhaps crazy. Or maybe you will find that I am just like you. Questioning constantly the life I live, the people I see, the enemies I know. Loving my family, hating the things I must be forced to endure. Loving them at the same time. Perhaps you are too confused, like me, and perhaps we will always be confused. Maybe I am living a vain life, of nothing to see and nothing to hear. Perhaps my wishes are silly, unfounded, and absolutely ridiculous. Maybe my questions are worth asking, maybe not. But who may answer them? You certainly cannot, and neither can I.
So now I end this with a lasting thought. May we always question what we cannot know, what we will never know, and what will never be answered. These questions are the substance of our lives. They consume us, they survive for us, they ARE us. May we survive forever, whether it be in heaven or earth. My parting words: Goodbye, yet hello.
I am lost, and I am confused. The very thought that I can find what I want is ridiculous, because I don't know what I want. Will I ever? Perhaps. Can I see myself finding what I want right now? Maybe. Maybe all I want to know is simply that. I just want to know who I am, what I am, why I am. I desire these things because I am not found, but I don't know if I desire to be found. I am confused. My name is Matt, or is it Matthew? I'll try to answer for you who I am. What I am. Why I am. I am a human being, born in Bossier City, Louisiana on December 2, 1987. Today is February 9, 2005. I am 17 years old, among many other things. My life, as others, is an adventure. I see life as an exploration of our inner selves, perhaps one that is in vain. I see no end to my wonder. It is slightly depressing, slightly exciting. I long for a day where I may know what tomorrow can bring, but then I dread the day that my future is spelled out for me. I want to continue this process of exploring who I am, but I also desire to know what I am. I don't think I want a full picture, I just want something to go by. I want something that tells me, "Okay, I'm human. There are people out there like me." I mean, even if I did know that, would I be happy? I doubt it. I think happiness is something we all want and crave. I think we all experience it sometimes, but it's never constant. When we don't think about things, we are illusioned with the idea that we are happy. However, I feel that we are merely in a state of bliss. Happiness, in my mind, is defined as knowledge. If I know the answer to a question, I am happy. If I know why something happens, I am happy. If I know whether I feel lust or love for that person with those captivating eyes and beautiful body, I am happy. If I know what I am, I am happy.
I know none of these things. Therefore, I am unhappy. I am just the same as all my fellow human beings, teenagers, children, adults, and elderly. I am the same. I am different. I am these many things, folded into a million folds. I don't know what I am, and I barely know what I want. I want answers. I want questions. I want to be all-knowing. I want to know nothing. I want to tremble in fear, and I want to be captivated by comfort. It is not my fear of the unknown that so despairs me, but it is the unknown that plagues my fears. Life is not my companion, it is my enemy and my friend. I am living for one reason -- to find out why I am living. If there is a God, I feel that he has placed us upon this Earth for his mere amusement. Our questions are his laughter, our answers are his grins. Our neverending quest for meaning is simply a source of his amusement, and this is why I desire to find answers. I hate the questions I ask, because they lead to more confusion. I love them though, because it makes me know that I am not crazy or catatonic, because I desire one thing -- to know more. To know why, how, when, where. I ask these questions, and I love to ask them. I hate that I must. My fingers touch the keyboard in a continous rant that may never solve any of my questions. But this is a way for me to pour out my thoughts. To infect others with them. To make you too question your existence, to question mine, to question everything. I am the source of freedom, the questions I ask are my liberty.
I feel many things. I despise pine trees, the rugged landscape of northern Louisiana. Why? Because they are the things that oppress me, the things that block my eyes from seeing the gentle hills of the Appalachians, or the rolling waves of the Pacific. I long to rest upon a lush mountain in Hawaii, lay upon the beach and watch the sun rise and set. My heart desires that I live in Paradise, a neverending summer of dreams fulfilled and beauty unending. I long to climb mountains, to swim beneath the deep seas, to cry for days on end because of death or despair. I want to laugh until I cannot breathe, I want to break every last bone in my body so that I can say, "I survived the impossible." I never, however, want to endure the pain that such experiences would bring. I want to explore the world. I want to see the beauty of the sea slapping upon the coast, but I also want to see the horror of the Mexican ghetto where children climb through piles of garbage to find that rotten banana to eat. I want to rub my hands along the smooth trunk of an ancient tree, I want to feel the body of an adonis, and I want to kiss the most amazing man alive -- the love of my life. I want to gain everything and to lose everything, I want to be one and I want to be many. I want to be beautiful, yet I want to be ugly. I want to know what it's like to be like ME. I want to make sense, but I want to hide what resides deep in my heart. I want to show everyone how I feel at the same time.
You who reads this will find that I am insane. Perhaps crazy. Or maybe you will find that I am just like you. Questioning constantly the life I live, the people I see, the enemies I know. Loving my family, hating the things I must be forced to endure. Loving them at the same time. Perhaps you are too confused, like me, and perhaps we will always be confused. Maybe I am living a vain life, of nothing to see and nothing to hear. Perhaps my wishes are silly, unfounded, and absolutely ridiculous. Maybe my questions are worth asking, maybe not. But who may answer them? You certainly cannot, and neither can I.
So now I end this with a lasting thought. May we always question what we cannot know, what we will never know, and what will never be answered. These questions are the substance of our lives. They consume us, they survive for us, they ARE us. May we survive forever, whether it be in heaven or earth. My parting words: Goodbye, yet hello.