NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm 32, married, and I have 3 children. This makes me a minority on the NS forums, but does allow me the ability to speak of things the average NS user would know nothing about.

I'm married. I'm married to the same girl I dated in High School, who has been my best friend for 16 years and my wife for 7 1/2 of those years.

She is actually my 2nd wife, so I have experienced a failed marriage.

Now ... that said ...

Here are some pearls of wisdom I can pass on (other married folks can add to this as well) to those who may find themselves considering marriage in the near (or not so near) future.

Reasons NOT to get married:

1] Family pressure. I don't care what anyone says, you are not marrying a family. You are not marrying your wife/husband's mother. You are marrying your spouse. You will still be around (if you make it work) after your spouse's parents have died, so do not get married for them or for your own parents. If your parents are pressuring you about grandkids, tell them they should have had more kids if they wanted to increase their chances of having grandkids and then chide them about having a kid just to have grandkids etc etc. It'll make that sunday family barbecue a lot more fun.

2] Pregnancy. Yeah ... that's right. Do not get married just because you are or because you got someone pregnant. A lot of people may be pressuring you to "do the right thing", but the "right thing" would actually be to help care for the child. Marrying someone you barely know or don't love will make that child resent you when the bitter divorce occurs. Remember: Marriage is just a piece of paper, but family ties are eternal. Be good to each other and help each other raise the child, but don't bow to the pressure of society. You'll all be better off in the end. Children want to see a Mommy and Daddy who love each other and who are friends rather than a Mommy and Daddy who bicker and fight all the time.

3] Money. Stupid stupid stupid. I cannot say that enough. If you marry someone for financial reasons, you are a retard who should be summarily executed. See, also, the above about children. Children do not give a rat's ass if Mommy and Daddy have money. Children do not know greed at birth ... it's something they must be taught. If you want money, get a job or win the lotto or rob a bank. Do not marry for it. Conversly, if you're waiting until you're "financially ready" for marriage, guess what, you should become a monk or join a convent because you will never ... NEVER ... be truly ready.

4] Sex. (This is mostly for men) That fine stripper you're proposing to - you know .. the one with the tight ass, bouncy titties, and bi-curious friends - won't always be that way. Bodies change with time. It is completely unavoidable. That 5'6, 100 lb. sleek 19 year old you're marrying today could squeeze out a couple of kids and become a 5'6, 150 lb. frumpy housewife in a matter of 2 or 3 years. Even if you avoid the kid thing, there is no avoiding age. Yes, I know, certain commercials show a rock hard body on a 55 year old woman, but what many people fail to realize is that she's got on a 2 inch layer of pancake makeup. Do not marry purely out of lust. If she gives the best head you've ever had and lets her sexy friends join, great! Get some head, have a 3-some, but don't get married.

Reasons to get married:

1] Love. That's it. If you've exhausted all the reasons not to get married and still love this person, then get married. Have a nice wedding, make some rugrats, scrounge and save to buy a house, drive a mini-van, and enjoy the hell out of your life. There is no #2.

Tips to a successful marriage:

1] Know thyself *before* getting married. Do you want kids? Do you want a Catholic wedding? Do you want her to stay home while you work? Do you like to watch football on Sundays? Do you want any children you have raised Jewish? Do you want to eventually live in Minnesota and raise show dogs as a life goal? You have to know these things about you so that you can tell them to your potential spouse. If he/she doesn't want kids and you do, guess what .... that marriage WILL NOT WORK. Move on. That's just reality. Otherwise, you may end up with a marriage full of resentment and anger. Good luck with that.

2] Apologize. I don't care whose fault you think it is, you probably did something wrong too. Arguments and fights always go both ways. Be the first to admit you may have done something wrong and be the first to express a desire to try to make things better. Trust me ... it's the only good kind of pre-emptive strike.

3] Don't try to change your spouse. Just don't try. It won't happen. If you knew when you married him that he dropped his socks on the floor next to the bed when he went to sleep at night, then don't be surprised if he still does it after you're married. Just let it go. It's not worth yelling about. Think of all the wonderful things he/she actually does do for you and just ignore the sock thing. It works the other way, too, guys. If you knew when you married her that she didn't like anal sex, don't get mad when she won't do it after you're married. You don't own each other, but you must respect each other.

4] Watch them. Often times that which endears you to them will become an annoyance after 5 years of it. (See #3) Make sure you know yourself *and* your spouse before marriage (See #1).

5] Pick your battles. I can't stress this enough. You may have to bury this person someday or they may have to bury you. With that in mind, is it really worth bitching about leaving hair in the sink or whining about cookies hidden in the underwear drawer? Some things just aren't worth it.

I suppose that's all I have for now. Hope it's helped some folks and I hope others will add to it.

That 5'6, 100 lb. sleek 19 year old you're marrying today could squeeze out a couple of kids and become a 5'6, 150 lb. frumpy housewife in a matter of 2 or 3 years.
OH GAWD 150 POUNDS! :mad: :confused:

OH GAWD 150 POUNDS! :mad: :confused:

Meh ... just an example. Everybody's different.

I've never had any problems with marriage.. sure, mine's an immigration scam, but damned if that welfare money aint sweet.. :) Gotta love U.S. citizenship.

Some things I've picked up (30 yrs old, married, two kids):

DON'T pretend to be interested in your spouses hobbies. It just makes it more of a problem when you want to stop.

DON'T try to stop your spouse from pursuing non-obsessive hobbies because they don't include you. I've had several game groups disband due to the spouse "suddenly deciding" game night was now "family night".

People considering mariage should take note.
Personally Im not...considering Mariage
...but many probably are...

exellent topic...most valuable info...5 stars thread.

my bf has already deceided what he wants our first born son to be named (hypothetical first born son...) lemmy (yes, after the lead singer of motorhead) and since i can't think of any good boys names, i'm fine with it.

however, i get to pick the first girl's name... i would much rather have a zoe than a pantera...

my bf has already deceided what he wants our first born son to be named (hypothetical first born son...) lemmy (yes, after the lead singer of motorhead) and since i can't think of any good boys names, i'm fine with it.

however, i get to pick the first girl's name... i would much rather have a zoe than a pantera...

heh if I ever have kids I'll call 'em bandnames ... should be fun :D "Apocalyptica, time for dinner!" "Tarot, clean up your room!" "Sonata! Arctica! ((the twins ;))) Time for guitar practice!"

man, my kids would SO get picked on at school :D

Thanks for that Keru, makes me feel much better about contemplating marriage because I know my boyfriend and I have covered all of those bases. (Of course, we're living together as if we were married, so we're probably in close to the same boat as newlyweds).

heh if I ever have kids I'll call 'em bandnames ... should be fun :D "Apocalyptica, time for dinner!" "Tarot, clean up your room!" "Sonata! Arctica! ((the twins ;))) Time for guitar practice!"

man, my kids would SO get picked on at school :D
well, i'm not naming a daughter pantera because i think she'll get beaten up. i've wanted to name my hypotetical daughters zoe, violet or aurora for some time.

maybe if we have two girls, the second one can be named pantera, but i'm squeezing them out so i say i get to pick at least one of the names. :)

A most excellent starting post Keruvalia.

My life experiences have taught me that what Keruvalia has said is absolutely correct.

I can not stress enough that Don't EVER think that "oh I can change him/her when we're married/ or the even worse "if they really love me they'll change" - It's not going to happen and leads to wrecked marriages. ( On the order of trying to teach pigs to sing - annoys the pig and frustrates you )

Either accept them as they are, warts and all, or move on to other pastures.

And just because you are a couple doesn't mean that you are "joined at the hip" - each of you deserves, and needs, your own space - some more than others, but every one needs at least a little.

Appreciate each other for your uniquenesses more than for your similarities - it inhibits boredom.

just 2 cents from 50 years of life.

Keruvalia is indeed wise...I am 22 and engaged to the woman I am 99.999% sure is the only woman I will ever marry. I have told her this to her face, no out of being uber-romantic but out of the fact that I think it's true. Even if we get married and then later get divorced, I doubt I would remarry. Once is enough for me.

I can picture us drivign each other crazy as we get older, though...and from what I see in her now, we're going to have a lot of fun doing it.

I've never had any problems with marriage.. sure, mine's an immigration scam, but damned if that welfare money aint sweet.. :) Gotta love U.S. citizenship.
Wow, that is perhaps the biggest case in point of how badly the U.S. welfare system needs reform I've ever seen. If your going to move to America, then you'd better be willing to work, otherwise all you are doing is stealing from those of us who do work. You do realize that all that welfare money comes directly from the rest of our paychecks? It is people with an attitude like the one you've expressed, that citizenship means you ought to be supported by the government, that are the greatest drag on society. If you have no drive to work, you are useless, and you don't deserve jack. If you want to succeed, work for it. If you want a TV, work for it. If you want to lie on your ass, work so that you can afford the free time, but don't expect me to finance your laziness through welfare. Frankly, its really not that hard to get a job. Even in times of depression, there are more than enough part time jobs with small wages that can be taken. From low level roles such as temps, to personal assistants, even to such menial work as being a janitor, there is more than enough work to be had if your willing to work for it. If your not willing to find it, you deserve to starve, because your lazy, and your not trying. If you are trying, and you can't find it, welfare is deserved, but if your not actively trying on a daily basis, you don't deserve to live on my hard earned money. Look at those you see doing those menial jobs. For example, just today I was told about a young brazilian man whom had worked at a friend's family owned pizzeria. That man who worked in the heart of the US recession of the past few years, held four jobs. Four. Not only did he work in the pizzeria, he was a janitor in the morning, cleaned restaurants at night, and held a fourth job of an indeterminate nature (it was never made clear exactly what he did, but it sounded basically like another janitor-style job). With this money, that man has since moved back to Brazil, where he has bought more than one home, with property, along with a car and is now an English teacher, because he isn't in desperate need of money. It is this type of person America needs. Hard-working, with goals in mind, and the clear drive to reach them. Take Sean Combs (P. Diddy, or whatever he calls himself now) mother. That women worked four, even five jobs at once, up to 18 hours a day, so that her son had a chance to succeed. It is that kind of person whom deserves welfare if they hit a hard patch. Lazy good for nothings whom would just mooch of the paychecks of women like Mrs. Combs are truly the scum of the earth.

Wow, that is perhaps the biggest case in point of how badly the U.S. welfare system needs reform I've ever seen. If your going to move to America, then you'd better be willing to work, otherwise all you are doing is stealing from those of us who do work. You do realize that all that welfare money comes directly from the rest of our paychecks? It is people with an attitude like the one you've expressed, that citizenship means you ought to be supported by the government, that are the greatest drag on society. If you have no drive to work, you are useless, and you don't deserve jack. If you want to succeed, work for it. If you want a TV, work for it. If you want to lie on your ass, work so that you can afford the free time, but don't expect me to finance your laziness through welfare. Frankly, its really not that hard to get a job. Even in times of depression, there are more than enough part time jobs with small wages that can be taken. From low level roles such as temps, to personal assistants, even to such menial work as being a janitor, there is more than enough work to be had if your willing to work for it. If your not willing to find it, you deserve to starve, because your lazy, and your not trying. If you are trying, and you can't find it, welfare is deserved, but if your not actively trying on a daily basis, you don't deserve to live on my hard earned money. Look at those you see doing those menial jobs. For example, just today I was told about a young brazilian man whom had worked at a friend's family owned pizzeria. That man who worked in the heart of the US recession of the past few years, held four jobs. Four. Not only did he work in the pizzeria, he was a janitor in the morning, cleaned restaurants at night, and held a fourth job of an indeterminate nature (it was never made clear exactly what he did, but it sounded basically like another janitor-style job). With this money, that man has since moved back to Brazil, where he has bought more than one home, with property, along with a car and is now an English teacher, because he isn't in desperate need of money. It is this type of person America needs. Hard-working, with goals in mind, and the clear drive to reach them. Take Sean Combs (P. Diddy, or whatever he calls himself now) mother. That women worked four, even five jobs at once, up to 18 hours a day, so that her son had a chance to succeed. It is that kind of person whom deserves welfare if they hit a hard patch. Lazy good for nothings whom would just mooch of the paychecks of women like Mrs. Combs are truly the scum of the earth.

Hey, I appreciate the thoughtfullness of reply, but lets not hijack the thread. My original post was in jest, since I'm "married" legally to someone I've hardly met for immigration purposes, that's all. I agree that the system needs fixing, but my scheme is legal, whereas most of the problem comes from illegal immigrants. She receives aid for her three kids from a previous marriage, and we both work regular jobs besides, that's all. I agree that those who refuse to work deserve nothing, but she's a recent immigrant with little command of the language, with three mouths to feed, who came here to work first and foremost, in the family business. But yeah, I did cash in pretty nicely, which is indeed sweet. ;)

Edit: Also, I should mention, that after a year I get to become the first guy in California history to get a marriage annulled, without lying to the judge about not having had carnal knowledge of the other party. So, here's to making history. :p

Got to disagree with you on one point there K, the money bit. I got married for financial reasons. Not really for money, it's just getting married put us in a better financial position.


Of course we'd lived together for 14 years and had 4 kids already, but we did get married for the money.

Oh, right.. 1,000,000 illegals cross the border per month, but pick on the guy who helps a good woman with a LEGAL, albeit somewhat unethical plan, so that she can be with family and raise her children someplace safe.. :rolleyes:

Edit: Thanks for taking that back, Ocean, I knew you didn't mean it. We can still be pals. :fluffle:

Oh, right.. 1,000,000 illegals cross the border per month, but pick on the guy who helps a good woman with a LEGAL, albeit somewhat unethical plan, so that she can be with family and raise her children someplace safe.. :rolleyes:Look...this is a great thread for guys who may wanna get married...

If you and Tremalkir want to whine about Immigration Issues...just start another thread...

Look this is a great thread for guys who may wanna get married...

If you and Tremalkir want to whine about Immigration Issues...just start another thread...

I don't. And my first reply suggested that we shouldn't. I was merely trying to bring some humor, about how it's nice marrying someone you don't have to meet, and I was misinterpreted, so I had to clarify.

Apologies to all. :(

....I was merely trying to bring some humor, about how it's nice marrying someone you don't have to meet......I guess i overeacted... my mistake.

And just because you are a couple doesn't mean that you are "joined at the hip" - each of you deserves, and needs, your own space - some more than others, but every one needs at least a little.


An excellent point!

*sigh* reading this thread reminds me of my wedding day. That happiest day of my life. We wrote our own vows you know.

And I can still remember us standing there in front of our friends and familly, and then I turned to Steph and .... shrugged and said: "*Meh* I guess you'll do." At which point she turned to me and replied "*meh* I guess you'll do too"


It still brings a tear to my eye.....


Oh yeah, add that other item to the list: Keep a sense of humour. Sometimes shit happens and you had better be able to handle it well together in a way that keeps the stress to a minimum. It saves a lot of strain on a relationship of you can find a way to keep your spirits up together during the times that really aren't as much fun as the good times.

Keep a sense of humour.

Ah! Yes! I must knock myself over the head for not including this one in the original. Thanks, Zep!

I'm 32, married, and I have 3 children. This makes me a minority on the NS forums, but does allow me the ability to speak of things the average NS user would know nothing about.
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i'm 19, looking forward to one day getting married and raising a family (doesn't sound like a 19 year old to me... :confused: ). your advice rocks - especially the parts about forgiveness and letting stupid little things slide. that's how we do things in my parents' house - no shouting or getting into arguements over stupid little things that, sure, may be annoying, but are.... cancelled out (for want of a better phrase) by all the good things of the relationship you have.

I'm 32, married, and I have 3 children. This makes me a minority on the NS forums, but does allow me the ability to speak of things the average NS user would know nothing about.

I suppose that's all I have for now. Hope it's helped some folks and I hope others will add to it.

I can't argue with anything you posted here, but I think you should add one more:

Be prepared for changes. People continue to grown and develop as they get older, including intellectually and in their personalities. Sometimes they grow in different directions. Plan for this and work out in your own mind what your response is going to be.

In addition to "reasons not to get married" or "reasons to get married" you should also consider the following:

Do you really know what your prospective spouse wants out of a marriage?
Are they saying that to make you happy right now, or do they really want that?

These things WILL pop up as ugly surprises later on.

Also, you need to know their family. No matter what people might say, if you're marrying your spouse, you get their relatives whether you want them or not.

And I found that if you marry a woman who hated her father, you're just screwed because one day, she'll think of you that way (especially once you have children).