NationStates Jolt Archive

i need to talk to someone...

my best friend for the past 4 years... well, we used to date and until i really started getting serious with my current bf, there was always the thought way back in my mind that maybe there would be a possibility that things could happen...

but now that things are serious with my bf he's just getting clingy and acting desperate and it's scaring me and making me feel terible. i really value his friendship, but he's been getting annoying lately... i feel terrible saying that too.. fuck.

i don't know what to do.

I don't want to sound like a jerk, because I'm trying very hard not to be one, but asking for advice here is probably a really bad idea.

probably.

i mostly had to get it out though...

heh. perhaps i should book an appointment with my school's councellor and just bitch about everything for an hour and then see if i feel better.

probably.

i mostly had to get it out though...

heh. perhaps i should book an appointment with my school's councellor and just bitch about everything for an hour and then see if i feel better.
Thats probably a better idea than you know. Actually getting something like that out to a real person helps. It might not seem like it is helping at the time, but eventually you'll see keeping it bottled up was hurting you alot.

i don't really feel like there's anyone i can talk to about this.

my bf doesn't like to hear anything about him, my friends who know this friend well, some of them hate him, some are fine with him... but none are online.

This may not be the best place to ask for advice, but i'll give you some anyway, to do with as you will. I think you just need to be honest with him. I know that's hard, but as your friend, he shouldn't be making you feel bad, and he might not know that he is. If you are truly scared, it's imperative that he knows how you feel. If you can't tell him the truth, maybe that says more about your relationship than anything else.

i just don't want to hurt his feelings.

Sometimes feelings have to be hurt. A friend of mine once tried "not hurting my feelings." Ended up causing more pain in the long run.

No one knows that better than me, i feel horrible if i hurt someone's feelings, but sometimes you have to take that risk. If you really feel scared, that means his behavior has crossed the line somewhere, and that's unacceptable. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own feelings that they don't realize how they affect other people, so as i said, he might not know what he is doing to you. He never will if you don't tell him. You can cushion your honesty, you don't have to be mean, just firm. He has to hear it from someone, and since you are his friend, it is better coming from you. It could very well hurt him, but it will hurt him and humiliate him if he finds out from someone else. On top of that, he will probably be mad that you couldn't tell him the truth. It's a sad fact of life that you will never be able to completely avoid hurting someone's feelings.

fair enough. i don't really know what it is exactly that's bothering me though...

it could be that he'll message me like 30 times a day when i'm not home.

but now that things are serious with my bf he's just getting clingy and acting desperate and it's scaring me and making me feel terible. i really value his friendship, but he's been getting annoying lately... i feel terrible saying that too.. fuck.

i don't know what to do.
Shit happens. Don't get angry at yourself if you get annoyed. I see why you would feel that way, but it really isn't anyone's fault. You should tell your boyfriend how you feel, open and honest communication is a vital part of a relationship, in my opinion. If it's not working out, then you either have to take steps to improve it or realise that it's time to break up.

That is excessive, it would bug me too, especially if he knew i wasn't around. I don't mean to say he is a bad guy or anything, but we have instincts for a reason, and if anyone's behavior worries you or scares you, you should pay attention to that.

Shit happens. Don't get angry at yourself if you get annoyed. I see why you would feel that way, but it really isn't anyone's fault. You should tell your boyfriend how you feel, open and honest communication is a vital part of a relationship, in my opinion. If it's not working out, then you either have to take steps to improve it or realise that it's time to break up.
no, things are fine with my bf. well, better than fine. things are spectacular with him.

it's my best friend i'm having problems with.

i need to talk to someone...

my best friend for the past 4 years... well, we used to date and until i really started getting serious with my current bf, there was always the thought way back in my mind that maybe there would be a possibility that things could happen...

but now that things are serious with my bf he's just getting clingy and acting desperate and it's scaring me and making me feel terible. i really value his friendship, but he's been getting annoying lately... i feel terrible saying that too.. fuck.

i don't know what to do.
If you just want somebody to listen to you (which is what it sounds like), feel free to contact me via any of various instant messengers or TG. I'm not experienced enough to have good advice for you, so you can be assured that you won't receive the "I could run your life better" vibe.

Kick him in the junk. That should get your point across beautifully.

Barring that, of course, just come right out and tell him. We men are stupid. We don't get subtlety. He's not going to get that he's bugging you if you just hint at it. You just need to sit him down and say that he's getting too desperate and you want him to stop. And say it authoritively.

no, things are fine with my bf. well, better than fine. things are spectacular with him.

it's my best friend i'm having problems with.
Oh. Oops. My bad.

That makes the situation a little more difficult. But, as Sdaeriji said, you need to be bold about it. Subtle hints are not what males get well. We are typically less socially adept in that sense, and are often in denial. You can be sure your best friend has a crush on you, and you just have to straight out tell him that you're not interested right. It will be very difficult for him no matter what you or he decides, and there really isn't a good way to take care of this. He might get frustrated and just decide to withdraw from you. Not to be pessimistic or anything, I can just go from my personal feelings and those I've observed. Even if you say nothing, he might just give up and withdraw anyways if he gets too frustrated with his lack of progress. Basically, since you're the one with most of the facts, you'll just have to act in the way you think will least likely damage your friendship.

Thats probably a better idea than you know. Actually getting something like that out to a real person helps. It might not seem like it is helping at the time, but eventually you'll see keeping it bottled up was hurting you alot.
First, I'll agree with this.

Second, Dakini, you need to talk to your "best friend" (and you also need to reevaluate if he's still your "best friend"). First and foremost, be honest with him. I'm going to suggest some things that you tell him; I assume that that all my suggestions are true based on what you've posted. Also get a second opinion on my suggestions before you go through with it. I'm tired right now, so I'm being less tactful than usual.

Tell him that you value his friendship, but you're involved with someone else and you are NOT romantically available. If he wants a romantic relationship, then he needs to find another girl. Tell him that his messaging you all the time is excessive and is not acceptable for anyone*. Tell him that you feel like you're being put on-the-spot and it's making you very uncomfortable. Tell him you're sorry if you hurt his feelings, but it would be dishonest and unfair to let it drag out any further.

* Really, it's not acceptable for anyone under any circumstances unless you're a research scientist and someone's desperately trying to get the message to you "Dude! You need to get down to the lab now! It just exploded!"

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."

i need to talk to someone...

my best friend for the past 4 years... well, we used to date and until i really started getting serious with my current bf, there was always the thought way back in my mind that maybe there would be a possibility that things could happen...

but now that things are serious with my bf he's just getting clingy and acting desperate and it's scaring me and making me feel terible. i really value his friendship, but he's been getting annoying lately... i feel terrible saying that too.. fuck.

i don't know what to do.

I've been through something similar, but as the stupid guy. My advice is talk to him. He might get upset (I sure did) but make it clear that you still want to be his friend. Well, I quite dating the girl and she is one of my best freinds in the world. Just talk to him, nicely. He'll eventually understand. If not, why are you dating him anyways (not trying to be rude, just curious, i know i really look for understanding in a partner)