NationStates Jolt Archive

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their
honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.


The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".


The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky
one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...Va-voom.".


The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's
pretty but teachers are just too frigid".


The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He
expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and
the other two would call much later in the day.


At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting
breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in
shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.


The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last
night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not
sanitary."


At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as
fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave
stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed
and pressed.


Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as
sexy as their voices."


The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are
up, your three minutes are up."


Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would
be calling any minute. Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband
called for breakfast.


Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.

The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was
wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on
his chest, arms and legs.


Dave fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"


The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to
marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice
saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

:D Wonder why I like this one...... ;)

christian rock.

Did you hear about the redneck who died and left his estate in trust for his widow?
She can't touch the money till she's 14

How do you know when you're in a redneck hotel?
You call the desk to say you've got a leak in your sink and they reply "go ahead"

What do you get when you put 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Jesus arrives in heaven and decides to meet his dad, who he hadn't seen yet. He asks around but nobody had seen god in some time. Off in the distance he sees an old man. Jesus approaches the old guy and the old man begins to speak. "I'm looking for my son. He has holes in his hands and feet from where the nails used to be." Jesus yells "Dad, it's me!" The old man yells "Pinoccio! Is that really you?"

Two fish in a tank.

One of the fish turns and says to the other 'I hope you know how to drive this thing'.

- Good eh? :D -

you know you're a redneck when...

-you think n'sync is where dirty dishes go
-four dogs hit your windshield when you slam on the brakes
-if you work without a shirt and so does your husband

(guessing you are a jeff foxworthy fan???)

Two Penguins In A Bathtub, one says to the other "CanYou Please Pass The Soap?" the other one says "what do I look like, a clock?"

and watch your friends as thier minds search the punchline for any hope of a concievable point to your short joke, then thier faces begin to dissolve into blank stares of condfusion just as you say....

because penguins dont have hands!

Then your friends think its a stupid joke and move on

Two fish in a tank.

One of the fish turns and says to the other 'I hope you know how to drive this thing'.


- Good eh? :D -

alternate ending: second fish says
"whoa, a talking fish!"

Yesterday I was on Ebay and bought an Off-Road-Vehicle for £4400. Got it deleiverd, turned out it was a cannoe.

Its WW1 and there is an Irish trench on one side and a German trench on the other. Its rather dull so the Irish officer goes to his commander and asks

"Whats the most common name in Germany?"

"Err...Hans!"

So the officer walks along

"Hans!"

"Ja?"

*BANG!*

"Hans!"

"Ja?"

*BANG!*

The Germans get a little wise to this so the German officer goes to his commander and asks

"Was ist die most common name in Ireland"

"Err...Paddy!"

So the officer goes

"Paddy!" and nothing happens. He walks a bit further

"Paddy!" nothing. He tries again

"Paddy!"

"That you Hans?"

"Ja?"

*BANG!*

christian rock.


...utter genius...

(guessing you are a jeff foxworthy fan???)
Are you asking me? He's ok, but I like Larry the Cable Guy and Ron White a lot better.

alternate ending: second fish says
"whoa, a talking fish!"

:D

Two Penguins In A Bathtub, one says to the other "CanYou Please Pass The Soap?" the other one says "what do I look like, a clock?"

and watch your friends as thier minds search the punchline for any hope of a concievable point to your short joke, then thier faces begin to dissolve into blank stares of condfusion just as you say....

because penguins dont have hands!

Then your friends think its a stupid joke and move on

scroggins wtf man

did you hear about the blonde who...

put lipstick on her forehead to 'makeup' her mind
thought a quarterback was a refund
stared at an orange juice box for two hours because it said concentrate
heard that 90% of crime occurs at the home, so she moved
drowned because somebody put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

Are you asking me? He's ok, but I like Larry the Cable Guy and Ron White a lot better.

yea larry is hilarious. i love the one where he's at the pet store and the lady tells him about the water-purifying machine, and he's like "he just ate a turd, do you have turd-purifying machines?' lol

...utter genius...

no you are! i love you man. :fluffle:
in a nonsexual way

yea larry is hilarious. i love the one where he's at the pet store and the lady tells him about the water-purifying machine, and he's like "he just ate a turd, do you have turd-purifying machines?' lol
Or Ron White's story about flying on a plane that was going half the speed of smell.

Or Ron White's story about flying on a plane that was going half the speed of smell.

yea that's a good one

do you just listen to blue collar or do you have ron white's cd? it's called drunk in public

ok. Best joke ever.

There was this guy in a bar, and he sees this girl he finds very attractive. So he walks on up, sits down next to her and says "ten ton elephant, ten ton elephant!" Somewhat confused, the girl asks what the hell he's on about. He says. "oh, just thinking of something to break the ice."

(b'dum tsssh!)

did you hear about the blonde who...

put lipstick on her forehead to 'makeup' her mind
thought a quarterback was a refund
stared at an orange juice box for two hours because it said concentrate
heard that 90% of crime occurs at the home, so she moved
drowned because somebody put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool


how bout the one who walked into a store and said to the guy

can i buy that TV?

Sorry but we dont sell things to blondes

So she comes back the next day with black dyed hair

can i buy that TV?

Sorry but we don't sell to blondes

Comes back with red and brown hair, same thing happens both times so she finally shaves her head and goes in...

can I buy that TV?

Sorry we don't sell to blondes

how'd you know im a blonde?

That's a microwave

christian rock.

LOL

how bout the one who walked into a store and said to the guy

can i buy that TV?

Sorry but we dont sell things to blondes

So she comes back the next day with black dyed hair

can i buy that TV?

Sorry but we don't sell to blondes

Comes back with red and brown hair, same thing happens both times so she finally shaves her head and goes in...

can I buy that TV?

Sorry we don't sell to blondes

how'd you know im a blonde?

That's a microwave

what did 50 cent say to his mom when she gave him a sweater?

g-unit? (say it out loud)

why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

fodrizzle

hey scroggins

knock knock

Three Blondes Walk Into A Building...would of thought one of em would of seen it

Two Penguins In A Bathtub, one says to the other "CanYou Please Pass The Soap?" the other one says "what do I look like, a clock?"

and watch your friends as thier minds search the punchline for any hope of a concievable point to your short joke, then thier faces begin to dissolve into blank stares of condfusion just as you say....

because penguins dont have hands!

Then your friends think its a stupid joke and move on
I'd never actually heard the ending to that one. Most people just leave it at "What do I look like, a clock?" On that note, here's one that far predates the penguin one but is similar.

There are three lions in a bathtub. The first one says, "No soap radio." The second one says, "No soap radio." Then the third one turns around and says, "No soap radio."

Of course, in order for it to be funny you need two of your friends to be in on it and start laughing as soon as you finish. Then you see how many people start laughing even though it's not funny, just to avoid looking stupid. And then you ask them to explain it to the other people that don't understand. Simply classic.

yea that's a good one

do you just listen to blue collar or do you have ron white's cd? it's called drunk in public
I downloaded a bunch of stuff after seeing a Ron White standup show on Comedy Central. Then I saw the Blue Collar show (the stand-up special, not the sketch comedy show because it sucks). He's fucking hillarious.

Telling jokes to confuse and abuse people's minds is fun but ya gotta know some jokes that actuallyt make clear sense or there's little point

hey scroggins

knock knock

I'm not scroggins but I'll run with it

... who's there?

A blonde walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "I'll have a cheeseburger and large fries". The librarian responds "This is a library." So the blonde whispers "Ok, I'll have a cheeseburger and a large fries."

Telling jokes to confuse and abuse people's minds is fun but ya gotta know some jokes that actuallyt make clear sense or there's little point

ok fantastic

s-dawg you left me hangin

so i'll finish the joke MYSELF

knock knock

"who's there?"

smell mop

"smell ma POO"

-brilliant.

I'm not scroggins but I'll run with it

... who's there?

o thanks for the pick-up man

I downloaded a bunch of stuff after seeing a Ron White standup show on Comedy Central. Then I saw the Blue Collar show (the stand-up special, not the sketch comedy show because it sucks). He's fucking hillarious.


Yeah they should have stopped before that piece of degredation to laughter on television (not Blue Collar, im talkin bout the sketch show). I'd really say Ron white's album is pretty sweet even though he tells the drunk in public story again

A blonde walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "I'll have a cheeseburger and large fries". The librarian responds "This is a library." So the blonde whispers "Ok, I'll have a cheeseburger and a large fries."

LOL excellent

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

two blonds walk into a bar.

You'd think one of them would have noticed.

"If you're flammable and have legs, you aren't blocking a fire exit."

"If you were walking down the street with a tight-rope-walker and he fell, that would be TOTALLY unacceptable."

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."

-Mitch Hedberg

(nod to scroggins)

Bill Clinton goes out for a little skinny dipping with an "un-named personal secretary" and starts to drown, three boys passing by jump in and save him

Says the Fornicator "I'll give you boys anything you want"

The first one says I want a million dollars

The second, I want a trillion dollars

The third says I want a team of the best qualifed body guards in the world

Okay kid but why?

He Says, Because when my dad finds out i saved bill Clinton, he's gonna try to kill me

"If you're flammable and have legs, you aren't blocking a fire exit."

"If you were walking down the street with a tight-rope-walker and he fell, that would be TOTALLY unacceptable."

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."

-Mitch Hedberg

(nod to scroggins)

"My Apartment's Infested With koala bears, it's the cutest infestation ever!"

"I really need to get a breifcase handcuffed to my wrist"

"I wanna get all kinds of crazy spy devices, like a safe that looks like a spray and wash can, so when friends come over, Hey mitch can I wash some clothes? I say sure, if you want to wash your clothes WITH DOCUMENTS!"

nod back to Salutus

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "gimme ten shots of your best whiskey"
Barkeep lines up the ten shots and the guy pounds them down, one after the other, until they're gone.
With that the bartender says to the guy "You must be in pretty bad shape to be drinkin' like that"
"You'd be drinkin' like this too if you had what I do" the guy says.
Stunned, the bartender says "Damn man, what have you got that would make you drink like that?'

Guy says "Fifty cents...."

;)

Your Mama's so ugly she makes onions cry

How are the N.Y. Jets defense and your mama alike?

give em a quarter and they'll let you score