NationStates Jolt Archive

True Christian™ World News:

God Fails to Break His Own Record for Killing
God's Wrath Touches Down in Asia

Freehold, Iowa - Not since the time of Noah has God used water so effectively to harass sinners and wreak havoc upon those who don't flatter Him with sufficient regularity.

As unsaved, impoverished Hindus toiled in beachside shacks on Christmas instead of exchanging expensive gifts from American department stores to celebrate the Baby Jesus' Birthday, the Lord was plotting their horrific, briny demise. True Christians know from the Great Flood that one of God's favorite ways to indiscriminately kill enormous swaths of children is by drowning them and watching them gasp for air and while floating like little discarded Styrofoam cups in the tide.

Sometimes, He extends an enormous hand as if He is about to rescue the bobbing tot, only to retract it at the last minute to teach the drowning child a valuable lesson about the ineffable nature of God's love....

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0105/asia.html

"Will Jesus Sling Little Children Into Hell For Celebrating Halloween? Pastor Deacon Fred teaches us that "Quite frankly, the answer is absolutely YES!"

LOL!!

Landover Baptist is a church for true believers only. No wanna be Christians allowed.

"We Believe in the WHOLE Bible (1611 KJV). We don't throw out the parts that make us feel uncomfortable...."

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

:eek: :(
What is Landover Baptist?
It is obviously not TRUE Christian!
God does not and will not send children to Hell

LOL. I love that site. Its so funny.

Landover is fantastically awesome.

:confused: LOL. I love that site. Its so funny.
:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

:confused:
:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:
*whispering*
pssst. Culex. It's a joke site. ;)

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

That site is really sickening!

LOL. I love that site. Its so funny.
Ha, at first I thought they were for real.
:p

Ha, at first I thought they were for real.
:p
Don't mock the holy and righteous brothers and sisters of Landover Baptist. They are truly doing the Lord's work.

Don't mock the holy and righteous brothers and sisters of Landover Baptist. They are truly doing the Lord's work.

You are either making a joke, or you are a complete idiot. Usually, i'd assume you fell under the first catagory, but i've seen enough complete idiots on this forum to tell me that it's quite possible you think that the site is real.... :D

awesome. awesome. awesome.

awesome. awesome. awesome.

old old old

Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

If it makes you feel better, read the hate mail about 6 months ago. Someone quoted the "Landover baptist parody website" bit, commented on it, and still failed to understand that it was a joke.

I think the hate mail is the funniest part of the whole site.

Ha, at first I thought they were for real.
:p
Me too... :(

Me too... :(

Me three. First time I came across Landover, I thought it were 'real' too.

Ah well, I have seen those on a diferent forum who were fuming about the Landover Site, not realizing that the very thing that they were gripping about, was a reflection, however unflattering, of the way they themselves acted towards others.

Me too... :(

Likewise. Until I saw the "God told me to hate you" ad on the side. Then I realized it was a joke site.

And a great one at that.

True Christian™ World News:

God Fails to Break His Own Record for Killing
God's Wrath Touches Down in Asia

Freehold, Iowa - Not since the time of Noah has God used water so effectively to harass sinners and wreak havoc upon those who don't flatter Him with sufficient regularity.

As unsaved, impoverished Hindus toiled in beachside shacks on Christmas instead of exchanging expensive gifts from American department stores to celebrate the Baby Jesus' Birthday, the Lord was plotting their horrific, briny demise. True Christians know from the Great Flood that one of God's favorite ways to indiscriminately kill enormous swaths of children is by drowning them and watching them gasp for air and while floating like little discarded Styrofoam cups in the tide.

Sometimes, He extends an enormous hand as if He is about to rescue the bobbing tot, only to retract it at the last minute to teach the drowning child a valuable lesson about the ineffable nature of God's love....

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0105/asia.html

So why is it people always look to the bad to blame god.. anything to to point and criticize. For a moment of suffering, Now those children enjoy more peace then you or me may ever feel.. But many never look at God behind the kindness and heartfilled out pouring of relief for those who survived..

So why is it people always look to the bad to blame god.. anything to to point and criticize. For a moment of suffering, Now those children enjoy more peace then you or me may ever feel.. But many never look at God behind the kindness and heartfilled out pouring of relief for those who survived..
...
psst! it's a joke site

But there are people who simply blame god for everything bad that happens in life, simply to express their displeasure with religion

True Christian™ World News:

God Fails to Break His Own Record for Killing
God's Wrath Touches Down in Asia

Freehold, Iowa - Not since the time of Noah has God used water so effectively to harass sinners and wreak havoc upon those who don't flatter Him with sufficient regularity.

As unsaved, impoverished Hindus toiled in beachside shacks on Christmas instead of exchanging expensive gifts from American department stores to celebrate the Baby Jesus' Birthday, the Lord was plotting their horrific, briny demise. True Christians know from the Great Flood that one of God's favorite ways to indiscriminately kill enormous swaths of children is by drowning them and watching them gasp for air and while floating like little discarded Styrofoam cups in the tide.

Sometimes, He extends an enormous hand as if He is about to rescue the bobbing tot, only to retract it at the last minute to teach the drowning child a valuable lesson about the ineffable nature of God's love....

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0105/asia.html

Now this is what Satanism is all about. Why worship a God that doesn't give a damn about you?

Posted by Satanist, Lord Medivh

Now this is what Satanism is all about. Why worship a God that doesn't give a damn about you?

Posted by Satanist, Lord Medivh

Actually, Satanism is just a crutch for people who want desperately to be non-Christian but are too lazy to do anything other than cling to the uncelebrated opposing force as described by the hilariously poorly-constructed, so-called 'dualistic' archetypes of, what? Oh, yeah - Christianity!

Face it, if you're a Satanist, you're just another milquetoast suburban Christian - one with a remarkably dull imagination, and more than likely, control issues rooted in adolescence. Do yourself a huge favour and carve your own path. Let the archetypes crumble. Organized religion is rather noisily in its' death throes, don't let the shrill voices of panicked dupes fool you into thinking otherwise.

You are, I am, everybody is, wired in directly to God/the higher self/Humanity/the Cosmos/various Pantheons/etc. It's direct, it's constant, but it's low-level. Like background noise. And no, bad things don't happen because some deity wills it so. Bad things just...happen. God as I know God, is to caught up in being the Universe in totality to take notice of actual events happening within it. But not so caught up as to completely unaware of the consciousnesses that live within the Universe.The God I've seemingly actually had some form of meaningful interaction with is so weak in the physical sense that it'd be impossible for him to shift a grain of sand in this Universe.

Creation, the creative process, is neither good nor evil. It simply is. This supposed 'dualism' that gives dispossessed Christians the idea that to worship Satan is to disavow Christianity make me laugh if only to myself (and maybe my personal God, the 'Giver of the Gift' as I call him). There is no 'God' that gives a damn about anything, and no Devil either. These are just holdover constructs from another era. The whole works, good, bad, Jehovah, Satan, heaven, hell, all the prophets, sons, and holy whatsits need to be swept off the shelf and thrown in the dustbin. What you replace them with is up to you, but you've got to clear away the old useless junk before you can redecorate, after all.

You are either making a joke, or you are a complete idiot. Usually, i'd assume you fell under the first catagory, but i've seen enough complete idiots on this forum to tell me that it's quite possible you think that the site is real.... :D
Yes, I am an idiot for the Lord and Landover Baptist has shown me His true word in all its glory!

Abase yourself before the Lord and submit to his mercy!

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

:eek: :(
What is Landover Baptist?
It is obviously not TRUE Christian!
God does not and will not send children to Hell

Sinner!

God most certainly does punish the wicked, including children. Did not God, in His infinite wisdom, send ravenous bears to kill 42 children who were rude enough to mock a bald man.

From The Holy Bible, 2 Kings 2:23-24:

"And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tore forty and two children of them"

Glory!

A "What would jesus do?" thong...now theres and interesting valentines gift.... :rolleyes:

A "What would jesus do?" thong...now there's an interesting Valentines' gift.... :rolleyes:
Jesus must go where there is sin and cast it out.

http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/429363

...and remember, tampons are Satan's little cotton fingers!

Oh my god! It looks evil! is it a demon come to taunt me for not beleiving?

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/LOL/lol.html

But there are people who simply blame god for everything bad that happens in life, simply to express their displeasure with religion

No reason not to. After all, religion invented the god out of necessity.

You can't tell people there's a specific purpose to their life if there's no omnipotent invisble boogeyman to give it credibility.

But I guess you can't have a miracluous survivor unless you wipe out 1000 other people, families, puppies, communities, etc. in the process.

But there are people who simply blame god for everything bad that happens in life, simply to express their displeasure with religion
I'm waiting for a football player, during the postgame interview, to blame Jesus for his team's loss.