NationStates Jolt Archive

What's the best insult you've ever heard? Anything in person, on film, radio, tv, in books, etc. counts.

No profanity allowed, mainly because it forces people to be much more creative.


"Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk."
- Written by Dr. Seuss, sung by Thurl Ravenscroft.

"Everything goes above your head doesn't it George? You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer."
Rowan Atkinson A.K.A Edmund Blackadder.

"You're mother was a guinea pig and your father smelled of elderberries. I farrt in your general direction"

"You're as dense as a neutron star"

"You're mother was a guinea pig and your father smelled of elderberries. I farrt in your general direction"

I wondered how long it would take for that one to show up! So... What are you Frenchmen doing in England???

It is unbelieveable that out of 100 million sperm cells that you won! :p

Thou art so leaky that we must leave thee to thy sinking.

"I never forget a face, but for you I make an exception."

Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.

"You're mother was a guinea pig and your father smelled of elderberries. I farrt in your general direction"

great quote, but i bet the writers used "your" instead of "you're"

hehe

but i digress:

"Yo, Harry, did they find oil on Uranus, man?"

not really a rip, but.. hehe

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Dean Wormer speaking to Flounder, Animal House.

"You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me 20!"

Douglas C. Niedermeyer, Sergeant-At-Arms, Animal House

If muscles were brains, you'd still be an idiot.

I'd argue the point but I'd look rather silly talking to a retarded hamster (swearing? Nah)

great quote, but i bet the writers used "your" instead of "you're"

Meh, odd though. Usually my grammar is good, even if my spelling is shite

'Where did you get those clothes? ... the toilet store? ...'

Brick a'la Anchorman.

Ok .. so maybe not the best *shrugs*

The fat, drunk, and stupid is a classic, but I'm going to have to go with these...

"The greatest thing you'll ever do for the world is the leaving of it."

And...

"You're a poster-child for abortion." <-- This one is the best when it is said by anyone with strong objections to abortion.

Did your parents have any children that lived?

you have the brain of a 5 year old and i bet he was glad to be rid of it

What brings you two here? Run out of pants to sniff?

I've seen lemmings with abetter sense of selfpreservation.

you have the brain of a 5 year old and i bet he was glad to be rid of it

Groucho Marx, eh?

"You're mother was a guinea pig and your father smelled of elderberries. I farrt in your general direction"

HAMSTER! HAMSTER!

Ahem.

"You're not even a half-wit."
- Robert Doniger, Timeline

:eek: I didn't know you were pregnant. :D

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission! :cool:

Not mine, but the best I've ever seen:

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad,
a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a
revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth
into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody,
abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and
then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very
thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid
you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus,
the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop
will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it
more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive
its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to
fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink
shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do youhold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have moreweight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source
of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless
crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You
cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup
pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far
that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no
intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on
Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire
galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll.
Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some
primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure
essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond
the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is
an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant
questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of
the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful.
I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of
babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have
learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take
for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we
sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I
would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right".
Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck
in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.


P.S.:
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged,
imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic,
diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive,
dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

(yes, I'm done now)

.

Not mine, but the best I've ever seen:

You swine. You vulgar little maggot.
*megasnip*
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

(yes, I'm done now)

.

Do you know who said or wrote this of whom? It's mindstaggeringly awesome.

Do you know who said or wrote this of whom? It's mindstaggeringly awesome.

I second that. Wow, what a rant!

If muscles were brains, you'd still be an idiot.

I'd argue the point but I'd look rather silly talking to a retarded hamster (swearing? Nah)
If brains were bricks, you'd be homeless.

Looking at you I begin to understand why some animals eat their young! :D

Not mine, but the best I've ever seen:

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As
they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with
instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you........
.

Wow... just... wow. Where's it from?

Wow... just... wow. Where's it from?

The best I have been able to do up to now is identify that it appears to have grown over time. There is a shorter version at The Politically Incorrect Show - 27/09/2000 (http://www.freeradical.co.nz/content/pishow/pi000927.php) for example.

The earliest example I have found is from a news group. This is headed

From: guymacon@deltanet.com (Guy Macon)
Newsgroups: *snip too many*
Subject: Re: read me if your cool
Followup-To: alt.flame
Date: 18 May 1997 19:59:10 GMT

It has been posted on the net here (http://earthops.org/slam.txt)

Thy mother mated with a scorpion.
That flamer is n00b and smells like a dead woodchuck ohno?
"Next time your lone orbiting synapse reaches perigee, try and pass this message along..."

Do you know who said or wrote this of whom? It's mindstaggeringly awesome.
That was (at least very close to) my third (of three planned, but four in actuality) letter that I wrote to my ex after I realized that he was using me and two other men at the same time.

However, I collected the paragraphs from elsewhere, so none of it is my own unique work, and it's very possible that someone else collected that exact thing in a different order (or, more likely, I put it in a slightly different order from that and just forgot). I can't recall much of the source material, except the SMDB.

The other three are on my desk at home, but The Little Shit, if he doesn't curl into a ball crying at the sound of my voice, might be able to enlighten me. That bit with the incest, comb-over, and gangrene might be over the top for this forum, though.

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

He he, I like that one too. Where's it from?

He he, I like that one too. Where's it from?
Billy Madison. :D

"Who let him in the gene pool?"

"So tell me, is your head up your ass for the warmth?"
Red Forman
That 70's Show

"When is your imagination's funeral? I just can't miss"

Are you sure that's a penis? It looks like a peanut from here

You sir are a prime example of the inverse ratio of the size of the mouth to the size of the brain.

~Dr. Who

(when someone is talking to you)
Do I hear a camel giving birth?

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
I've heard it in an Adam Sandler movie

Your momma so fat her nickname was....daammnn (black accent)

"My name is Ralph!" Cheech vomits on a cop in Up In Smoke

May your offspring have genetic malformations, you ignorant brute!

Your mother was a 'amster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

I've heard it in an Adam Sandler movie

Yeah...Billy Madison is an Adam Sandler movie. Just thought I'd point that out. Yeah check out That 70's Show every once in awhile. Red has some pretty good ones.

I actually found it at the Krazy Larry webcomic (http://krazylarry.com). The comic is on hiatus, but there is an entire section of the site devoted to good insults.

Yeah...Billy Madison is an Adam Sandler movie. Just thought I'd point that out.
Thank you, you saved me a post. :D

you're depriving a village of an idiot

you constantly fail to achieve the low standard you set in the previous semester

while rigour mortis may be a disease of the nervous system it seems to have gripped you while answering the questions of this exam

I think the subject in question died some years ago, however such is the stupendous slowness of his thought processes, his brain failed to register the fact

said of a medical officer on RN warship during a court martial:
THis officer uses my destroyer to carry his genatalia from port to port and my commander to carry him from bar to bar and my lieutenant to collect him from the brothel prior to departure, and if not for the copious consumption of antibiotics he would fail to be present for this court martial due to an untimely bout of the clap.

supposed said by winston Churchill when he was told he was drunk
"madam I may be intoxicated, but in the morning I will be sober, you however will be ugly for the rest of your life".

If you were as smart as you are ugly you'd be a genius, unfortunately you are just ugly

Sir 25 years ago whilest drunk in the army in my youth i dared to fornicate with a donkey, I was wondering if you are perchance my son?

Oh sweet lord you're french!*

*Insert any other nation in there that the person you are insulting loathes, but france does in most cases :D


also a classic, not an insult but still...

Legendary street performer Robert Nelson, aka The Butterfly Man, is doing a show at a festival. Family crowd. The usual small child being a complete bastard -- shouting, screaming, drawing attention. Robert hands the child a plastic bag.

"There you go kid," he says, "It's a space helmet."


maybe something like this too...from the legendary Winston Churchill as spoken in the House of Lords...

Lady Astor: Winston, you appear to be drunk!
Winston Churchill: And you my dear are ugly but tomorrow I'll be sober!

EDIT: who cares the person before already semi quoted it, its good enough to be read twice!

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I would poison your tea!
Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, I would drink it.

and the best until last...

Winston Churchill: Madam, Would you sleep with me for 1 million Pounds?
Unknown woman: Yes sir, I think i would
Winston Churchill: Well, how about 1 Pound?
Unknown woman: Winston! What sort of woman do you think i am?
Winston Churchill: Madam, that matter has already been solved. Now we're just haggling over your price.

You're as ugly as Nixon, and twice as fragrant!

I wondered who broke my mirror...

You sir, were the product of a wasted orgasm.

thanks for that, I remember hearing on the radio, so I got the quote a bit wrong, cheers.

another favourite.

rat molester
sheep molester

(similarly insert the appropriate animal for the regional insult)

You sir, were the product of a wasted orgasm.no such thing as the wasted orgasm!

and that reminds me of a joke...

how do you give a woman an orgasm. A. who cares? :D

actually if only that were the truth, the real truth is why is a man like a carpet? A. lay him properly the first time and you can walk over him for 20 years (sad but true, married with two :( )

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark Twain

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
Mark Twain

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967), speaking of Katharine Hepburn

That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say "No" in any of them.
Dorothy Parker

I really can't come to your party Mrs. Parker, I can't bear fools."
That's strange; your mother could.
Dorothy Parker

As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)


Some of my favorites, by the greats.

Ok, hows about "you were a wasted by-product of an orgasm"? :D

As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

He should have put bets on the 2000 US election! ;) :D (Dons flame proof suit)

He should have put bets on the 2000 US election! ;) :D (Dons flame proof suit)

We did.

Ok, hows about "you were a wasted by-product of an orgasm"? :D
ah there is truth in that one :D

there are few jokes here for the picking, but I think i'll like not to be banned for abusive language or imagery that may inappropriate at best :D :fluffle:

one throw away line that was in a movie many years ago was

Teacher: do you know who first proposed asexual reproduction?
Student: sir, I think it was your wife

Teacher: do you know who first proposed asexual reproduction?
Student: sir, I think it was your wife

Also a good one:

Teacher (to cocky student): So you think you're a comedien?
Student: No, but I think you're a joke.

"you are just a sack of old and useless books"

"You're mother was a guinea pig and your father smelled of elderberries. I farrt in your general direction"


AH!!! Monthy Python. Brilliant Or something.. :p .

You're so stupid you couldn't pour beer from a glass if instructions were written on its base.

During a conversation about a colleague:
A: Look, he seems like a bit of an arrogant twat, but deep down he's sweet - he's got a heart of gold, really.
B: Yeah, cold, hard, and yellow.

I remember talking to a Sigs officer who crossed from RAEME (Royal Aussie Electrical and mechanical engies) (in Aus), and he said, do you know why our lanyards are blue, red and yellow?
I said no
he said, blue for the oceans never crossed, Red for the blood never spilt and yellow the reason why ;)
sure its a pisstake and being an Aussie and while never in defence, working 10 years with defence staff, and being involved with various operations, I have the highest regard for the aussie troops, so this is in no way a reflection of my opinion, just a funny throw away line.

BTW My wife is like a coffee
warm, rich and sweet?
no cold and bitter.

"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, eh Perce?"

"Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on Earth, I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick!"

"He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 best disciple competition."

"You are a girl. And you are a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears-only golf club."

"To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance is just something that happened to other people, isn't it!"

--All of the above, Edmund Blackadder

(No... I'm not a Blackadder fan. What gave you that idea? ;) )

"You're mother was a guinea pig and your father smelled of elderberries. I farrt in your general direction"

it's HAMSTER you imbecile! :headbang:

"Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. And that's not saying much for you."

said to two women: "You two have four of the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Well, three of them anyway."

---

"It looks like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mommas ass and wound up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated!"

"Weak Dog"

You'ld be amazed how hurtful this is, especiallyu to girls they hate being called a dog.

Anything said by R. Lee Ermey should by rights automatically qualify, but most of it is profane... damn.


Eh...
I dunno.
For the non profane, Blackadder always comes up with the good stuff, but he's already been mentioned. And Monty Python. But so have they.Never mind then.

Anything said by R. Lee Ermey should by rights automatically qualify, but most of it is profane... damn.


Eh...
I dunno.
For the non profane, Blackadder always comes up with the good stuff, but he's already been mentioned. And Monty Python. But so have they.Never mind then.
well done, I thought I had the award for the most pointless post of the day, but this is the winner by a goodly margin :D

Me and my friend:

Matt: "Dang, I must be getting sick. My throat was so dry this morning, I couldn't even swallow!"

Me: "I bet your boyfriend was disappointed."

(For reference, Matt is straight, and though this sounds homophobic, it's coming from a homosexual, so don't bash me."

You can stop being useless now. The crisis has passed.

well done, I thought I had the award for the most pointless post of the day, but this is the winner by a goodly margin :D

You never stood a chance, Captain. See, what I done there was raise your hopes, and then dash them! And do you know why I did that? Because I'm British!

You have an ittelect rivalled only by garden tools

it's HAMSTER you imbecile! :headbang:
You know, when they say don't mess with the classics, it's because it brings out reactions like that.

Theologian Theory, no need to flame.

Apologies if some have already been presented, but serendiptiously I was sent this today:

DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY DUMB!!!!!!!
A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

Cheese slipped off the cracker.

Body by Fisher-Price, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit his head on every branch on the way
down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but has plenty of nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another braincell, it would be lonely.

Let me guess - your first thought died of loneliness.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Surfing in Alice Springs.

Few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on and the doors open, but nobody's home.

The gate's down, the bell's ringing, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming.

So dense, he bends light.


This reminds me of a few supposed character reports issued by the military. Some of the above were in there. Another couple of my favorites:

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

In my last report I mentioned this soldier had hit rock bottom. Since them he has started to dig.

This Doctor uses my ship to carry his genitals from port to port and my men to carry his body from bar to bar.

One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his
employees. He wrote the following:

"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about helping fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. He takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, who cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Regards - Project Leader

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the
project leader:

"Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I
wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only
the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him."
Regards - Project Leader

When god was handing out brains you thought he said trains and asked for a slow one.

What are you going to do for a face when the gorilla wants it's butt back?

Most people wait till they're dead to donate their brain to science

Doyou want to know how to lose 5 kilos of ugly fat? Cut off your head

And then of course there ar all those priceless insults that don't make any sense at all unless you are there.

When god said noses, you thought he said roses... And asked for a big red one...

You must come out of the shallow end of the gene pool.
If I wasn't so polite, I would tell you that you are a horse's ass.
If all your neurons fired at once it wouldn't power a piss ant's motorcycle.
and... a favorite in the old West: "He is all hat & no cattle".

You must come out of the shallow end of the gene pool.
If I wasn't so polite, I would tell you that you are a horse's ass.
If all your neurons fired at once it wouldn't power a piss ant's motorcycle.
and... a favorite in the old West: "He is all hat & no cattle".
"He is all hat & no cattle"-Ive heard it and am very fond of it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I will make an exception

What were you when you were alive?

If you were the last man on earth, and I was the last woman....I would shoot myself.

You should be put out of my misery

"I must assume you hold intelligent discourse in the highest contempt, otherwise you would not assail against it daily."

-Black Mage, 8-Bit Theatre

Here's mine, although it works best in writing (which makes it good for the Internet).

If someone spells terrorism with a capital 't', and terrorism is not the first word in the sentence, reply with "Oooohhh, a capital 't' for terrorism! What is it - your religion?!?!"

This ones is from the English parliament, I'm unsure to who said it and as the exact quotation:

1st parliamentarian: You, sir, will meet your end in the gallows or from a veneral disease.

2nd parliamentarian: That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

Great part from full metal jacket

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How tall are you private?
Cowboy: Sir, five foot nine, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked s**t that high! You tryin' to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
Cowboy: Sir, no sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bulls**t. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you been cheated! Where in the hell are you from anyway, private?
Cowboy: Sir, Texas, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy dog s**t! Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?
Cowboy: Sir, no sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you a peter puffer?
Cowboy: Sir, no sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'll bet you're the kinda guy that would f**k a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

This ones is from the English parliament, I'm unsure to who said it and as the exact quotation:

1st parliamentarian: You, sir, will meet your end in the gallows or from a veneral disease.

2nd parliamentarian: That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

I think the 2nd dude might have been Churchill - he was a cheeky monkey dontcha know

Ha ha, all the quotes are brilliant, I don't have any others to add as all the best one's have already gone. Churchill, Blackadder and Monty Python being some of the best. hurrah for insults

Continuing in the same vein...

When god said eyes, you must have thought he said 'pies'... And asked for two large ones...

I think the 2nd dude might have been Churchill - he was a cheeky monkey dontcha know

I think it's older than that - from the mid-19th century. Anyways, the British have a very intersting Parliament...

I have a few good ones (most of which i have used at one point or another)

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down

He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.

I certainly hope you are sterile

On the road of life, your mind is a pothole.

He is really quite intelligent, when compared to plankton.

Trading brains with a marmoset would be an improvement.

It's not his fault that he is the first of his family to stand upright.

That there is the result of a mother who ate too much pencil lead during pregnancy.

That's all i got for now.....i have to be on burbon street in an hour....i on a float..yippie....

You're so boring, even a boomerang wouldn't come back to you.

When god was handing out personalities, you must have been holding the door. (god is a lie, but dont get that in the way of an insult).

Maybe you'd be less boring once I got to know you, but I don't want to take that chance.

here's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet, or, better yet, suicide.

Is that a conclusion or simply the place where you got tired of thinking? .

"If I was your mother, I'd have run away before you were born"

small misquote, it's from "equal rites" btw, a discworld novel by Terry Pratchett

"If I had been your mother, I'd have run away before you were born"

"You know ... looking at you, I can begin to understand why some animals eat their young!" :D

Weves had black adder and monty python so it's gotta be time for red Dwarf

"Get real man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you. "

" You're a toad, Rimmer. You're a weasel. You're a slimy, river-dwelling rodent with the morals of a praying mantis. "

"You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. "

"You're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican."

"smeghead"

"what are u talkng about grease stain"

"this is all your fault u know u little blob of tubucolotic sputum"

You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

Somehow, he got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching...

This link has them all:
http://www.funny2.com/insults.htm

"you have the attention span of a teaspoon" - (my friend sarah, to me. yes, its true...)

I wonder why there aren't any more Graucho Marx quotes, anyway, here are some:

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork."

"You have the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."

Excuse me, I have to go home and put a bowl of food out for your momma.

Were you born an idiot, or do you just work at it?

Arguing with you is like wiping my ass with a hoola-hoop.

'Excuses are like arseholes, everyones got one.'

'Excuses are like arseholes, everyones got one.' You forgot the last part, " . . .and they all stink."

'Your toast has been burnt and no amount of scraping can remove the black stuff'- Caboose from Red vs. Blue

As promised... Letters (of 3 planned, 4 in practice) of the "Given to the ex" file. I claimed one collected version of #2 way back on page 1 or 2... and Letter #4's nothing special. I got more general insults for later.

Brett, you are the misbegotten son of a syphilitic whore. Your teeth are encrusted with smegma and the remains of the nose-pickings that are your diet. You are such an asshole that you leak through a thousand openings every time you swallow. Not only do women and men shun your scurvilous, louse-ridden, boil-covered skin-sack, but so do goats, sheep and donkeys. Your brain is naught but food for maggots. Dogs would refuse to bury your bones. You are taking up air that could be better used for the transportation of plague. You are such a waste of skin that not even Ed Gein would have a use for you.

If you EVER talk like that to me again, I will hunt you down and use your face for luncheon meat. I'll go Mike Tyson on your ass and leave you without ears. I'll take your pitchfork and shove it up your ass, pointy-side first. I'll dye your clothes in various colors and play twister.

You are so self absorbed you should hang a string out your pantleg and call yourself Tampax.

I hate you, and I hate everything about you. You waste my oxygen, and you litter my life with moronic statements that you either think are intelligent, or are witty. Clearly, you are a fucking moron, and should be sold as a rape toy to a Pakistani yak herder. Not for the herder, mind you, but for the yaks.

Calling you scum would be a disservice to the fine aquatic single celled plant life who dutifully provide oxygen to the world.

There. That felt good.


While I feel I have successfully summarized my feelings for you, my conscience is telling me that I still need to tell you why you have forced me to hate you. If you really are that stupid and you didn’t quite get what I was trying to say, you are so self absorbed you should hang a string out your pantleg and call yourself Tampax. If you had the brainpower of a block of wood, you might be a lying, manipulative little shit, but now the best you can manage is to get someone to pity you. Furthermore, you’re a rude, ignorant cuntwheeze who’s too lazy to so much as tell me to fuck off by yourself. For this, I'd just like to say that you are a goat felching, pig squicking, unfortunate result of a badly aimed handjob. Sheep and small children cower at your name.

That disgusting little sneer you give to dismiss me whenever I tried to talk to you nicely says to me that you’re trying to make me hate you. You give an excuse or just refuse to say anything instead of acting like a man and flat out saying go to hell. Hiding behind a gopher to send your messages for you is just insulting. Having some other little shit offer himself to me to keep your own ass safe is beyond cowardly. Giving a straight answer or saying anything honestly and directly would at least be showing some form of trust or respect, but you always have to hide behind someone else, make up excuses and try to shift the blame. I used to like you, now I just want to make you suffer as much as you tried to make me hate.

I'm trying to imagine your day. I see you waking up at the crack of dawn, as the sun reflects of the cracked mirror of your AMC Gremlin and through the window of your trailer. You fumble on the nightstand for the cut of RedMan you removed from your mouth as you passed out the night before. Reaching across the bed, you shake the shoulder of you sister to awaken her. The hair on your belly pulls unpleasantly as you move, because naturally you had sex the night before by rubbing your penis on your sister's clit, and your spunk is now dried and caked on. You check to see if today is the day of the week you shower, and are relieved to see that it isn't. That ought to save time. Pulling on the clothes you wore the day before, (and the day before that), you peer into the mirror. Both teeth are looking good! No need to brush today. You spend a few minutes trying to arrange the 3 hairs on your head to look like 50,000, and satisfied with the results, you head out to work. Getting the Gremlin jump started is harder than usual, as your neighbors are sick of you. You head for your career job as the fry guy at McDonalds.
You need a swift kick to the balls. Oh, and quote this in my face all you want, fuckwicket.


And, the generalized breakup letter, wherein only one person has ever noticed that it never mentions any specifics- names, reasons, or even gender. Cool, eh?
I know you’ve never really cared for me, that I never stood a chance, but I’m a collector of hopeless dreams and thoughts or feelings that just won’t die. After some of the things I’ve done, I expected you’d never want to see me again. I tried to avoid you as best I could, but in the end, I realized I still liked you. Thank you for putting up with everything without complaints. I just needed something to need.
Normally, I’d have tried to give you one last shot, but I don’t think I’d have managed to get past “Hello.” I feel too old to compete when I know it’s worthless. I’ve decided to bow out with whatever grace and dignity I still have.

Tell whomever you’re with I said to take good care of you.
And if you ever need anything, I’ll always be willing to help.
JMG

As I've said before...
Ich habe in etwas gesteppt. Ja est in dein Land.

Ich liebe dein Kinder. Wievel kostet der Junge?

from the same book in English:

Oi! You spilled my litre!

Your country's quite a nice place. For a leper colony.

''Oh, I just found the missing link!'' (To anyone brutal)

here's a couple of mine

a box of hair has a higher i.q. than
not the the brightest bulb in the box i can see.
do the world a favor and pull your lower lip over your head and swallow
if i was your parent, i'd have smothered you in your sleep by now
i see you rode the short bus to school didn't you??

and that is pretty much all i can think of now

You have an ittelect rivalled only by garden tools

You have spelling rivaled only by a first grader?

'There's no 'i' in ugly, but there is a 'u'.'

I love it, it's so bad it's funny. :P

You can't spell failure without "U R A".

If you were the last guy/girl on earth I would reconsider my position on bestiality.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

"I never forget a face, but for you I make an exception."
We love Groucho!

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'll dance with the cows until you come home."

I got my brother with a good one once. He was saying that Mountain Dew helps build muscles, because you get hyper and run around. To which I replied, "If that was the case, the by now you ought to look like Arlond Schartzaneger (sp?)."

I'd call you a prep, but you're lacking the half a brain cell required for such a distinction.

" Your train of thought is still boarding at the station..."

" If i want your opinion, i'll give it to you"