NationStates Jolt Archive

John(33) and Sue(30) have been married for 7 years. They have 3 children , two boys one girl ages 3-6.

John is a hard worker, making a good living and provides well for his faimly. He is a great father and spends alot of time with his wife and children. Sue is a loving stay at home mother & enjoys it very much.

Recently John told Sue that he has an "on the side" lady friend. He also informed Sue that this isn't a "new" situation. He and this woman have been lovers for a few years. He made it clear that he never at any time desired or planned on leaving her and his family, and that his lady friend is well aware of that, so Sue mustn't need worry about this woman tryin to take tear them apart. John said if that was to ever occur he would end the relationship immediatly and she knows this. Johns reason for telling Sue was that he knew sooner or later it would come out in the open even if the affair stopped now. So better she already be aware.

Needless to say that all this new found knowledge of her husbands affair was quite a shock to her. She had no reason to ever suspect or think that he was going outside their relationship. He is (and has always been) very affectionate and loving to her. Sue stated that they still make love very often so it isn't that his affair is taking away from their sex life.

John has basically asked permission from Sue to continue this affair. He says he gets a need filled from this woman (Sexually?), which in conjuntion with having his wonderful wife, family and work fullfills him in everyway.. keeps him happy, productive and satisfied.

If Sue tells him to end this affair, he will.

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But should she?

I know by all that is "normal" in our society makes one think "Yes! Ofcourse tell him to end this".

Some might even automatically think "Get a divorce!".

Before jumping the gun, know that Sue isn't threatened by this woman, and she isn't really jealous. She is confidant in Johns love for her and she knows John is still very much attracted to her in love with her. They still like and respect one another. They still laugh and have a good time together, enjoy each others company. And still go out and have a good time.

All the factors involving their relationship cannot be written down, but just from what you've read on this post, or maybe your own experience.. What would you do?

It's really up to the individual. The woman in the story may be content to let the situation stand as it is. I would not.

Sue isn't threatened by this woman, and she isn't really jealous. She is confidant in Johns love for her and she knows John is still very much attracted to her in love with her. They still like and respect one another. They still laugh and have a good time together, enjoy each others company. And still go out and have a good time.

If all this is true then, if loves him, she would probably let him 'satisfy his needs'.

But whether this is actually true and whether, if it is, her feelings would stay the same, without resentment or worries of any kind, is rather unlikely.

Personally I would end it with him totally. And I know no-one who would be totally ok with staying in a relationship like that. I know people who would stay in the relationship but they wouldn't truly be ok.

To sum up, if she's happy with it then leave it be. But I doubt, deep down, she could be truly happy.

Sue should get a "friend" of her own and see what good old John thinks about that.

If shes happy with it, then its perfectly alright.

But personally, if my spouse did anything like that without telling me, I would end it immediatly. Divorce being the only option, along with a little revenge.

She certainly has moral grounds for a divorce. If she loves him and she knows that he loves her, she could chose to forgive him and continue the marriage, but I wouldn't allow the affair to go on. In fact, she deserves and needs way more than just a confession from him. If he is unwilling to acknowledge that what he is doing is a violation of their wedding vows and is not remorseful for having broken her trust, going behind her back and the inherent disrespect he has shown her, their family and his own word, he isn't worthy of her.

Between two or three consenting adults, do whatever works for you.

But I don't think it's right to have lied to your family. Sets a bad precident for the three kids. They're too young to understand now, (although maybe the 6 year old isn't) but regardless of what I'd be willing to take or not take, I wouldn't want to put my kids in a situation where Dad is sometimes part of the family, and sometimes screwing around on the side to fulfill his needs.

Sue and John should both get counseling - together and individually. This is an abnormal situation, and while it may be okay in the short term, I would think that there are underlying issues that may haunt them later. So it's worth getting a professional opinion, and seeing what comes out when a professional is moderating their discussions.

Who knows? Maybe it'll turn out to be a fine situation for them. But it's worth checking out, just in case.

Marriage is an institution based on trust. Any committed relationship is. I would end the relationship since John clearly can not be trusted to keep it in his pants.

Marriage is an institution based on trust. Any committed relationship is. I would end the relationship since John clearly can not be trusted to keep it in his pants.
Gee, he's being honest about it, and he's willing to end it if his wife tells him to. What's not to trust?

Gee, he's being honest about it, and he's willing to end it if his wife tells him to. What's not to trust?
Well, there *is* the whole affair-behind-her-back issue...

Gee, he's being honest about it, and he's willing to end it if his wife tells him to. What's not to trust?

Well, where has he had the time over the last few years to spend time on this affair? It was either taking time away from his work or his family. Sure he 'fessed up, but clearly he was a liar at some point.

"Where ya going, dear?"

"Uh....the library?"

Well, where has he had the time over the last few years to spend tim on this affair. It was either taking time away from his work or his family. Sure he fessed up but clearly he was a liar at some point.

"Where ya going, dear?"

"Uh....the library?"
Hahaha

"Where are you going, dear?"
"I'm gonna have an affair behind your back" ;)

Gee, he's being honest about it, and he's willing to end it if his wife tells him to. What's not to trust?


He'd have been honest about it if he had asked her permission before he ever started. This is already after years of deceit. The other major problem with this is what it teaches his son and or daughters, it is okay to use women or others in general to "fullfill needs". I.e. it is okay to use people, deceive your wife and lie to her (breaking wedding vows is lying).

Well, where has he had the time over the last few years to spend time on this affair? It was either taking time away from his work or his family. Sure he 'fessed up, but clearly he was a liar at some point.

"Where ya going, dear?"

"Uh....the library?"

He runs a wrecker/towing business. On Call always.

He'd have been honest about it if he had asked her permission before he ever started. This is already after years of deceit. The other major problem with this is what it teaches his son and or daughters, it is okay to use women or others in general to "fullfill needs". I.e. it is okay to use people, deceive your wife and lie to her (breaking wedding vows is lying).


I agree

You know, the other factor here is that if Sue were to divorce John, she's not going to be able to be the happy stay at home mom anymore. Alimony and child support may help support her, but she is going to have to work, and it will disturb her current quality of life, which she seems to enjoy.

So she could well go on with a smile plastered to her face, while hating every degrading moment of this situation.

I agree that his error was in not discussing this with her before it happened. To paraphrase someone else, what goes on between 2 or more consenting adults is their business and perfectly fine. In this example, Sue was not a consenting adult. Now, she has the information and can make an informed decision. What ever she chooses, the marriage will need to be renegotiated as the parameters have changed.

You know, the other factor here is that if Sue were to divorce John, she's not going to be able to be the happy stay at home mom anymore. Alimony and child support may help support her, but she is going to have to work, and it will disturb her current quality of life, which she seems to enjoy.

So she could well go on with a smile plastered to her face, while hating every degrading moment of this situation.


And if she does, doesn't she essentially condone prostitution? Giving a relationship to get the things money can buy? Would she really want to teach her children that was a good idea?