Lord Grey II
31-01-2005, 00:55
Every now and then I like to suggest sure-fire concepts by which you fellow forum crawlers can make millions of dollars without doing any honest work. Before I tell you about the newest concept, I'd like to formally apologize to those of you stupid enough to attempt the previous one, which, as you may remember, involved opening up Electronic Device Destruction Centers.
The idea was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as TV's and VCR's, in to the destruction center, where trained teenagers would gleefully whack them(the electronics, not the consumers) with sledgehammers. With their devices such permenantly destroyed, consumers would then feel free to go out and buy new devices, rather than to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so called "Factory Service Centers" which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronics with cheap cigars and going: "Lookit at all dem WIRES in der!"
I thought the Electronic Device Destruction Center was a sure-fire concept, but apparently I was wrong, judging from the amount of flame telegrams I recieved from those who had lost their life savings, and, in some cases, key organs. This made me feel so bad that I spent upwards five whole minutes wracking my brain, trying to think of an EVEN MORE sure-fire concept for you all.
One promising concept I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring they be installed on Congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your Congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a "fact-finding" study on how the French Goverment handles diseases transmitted by sherbert. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped to his waist, would inflate- FWAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the Congressman proposed a new law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!") This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring air bags on Congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small; there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them are already too large to fit through an ordinary plane door anyway.
But fortunatly for you, I have come up with an EVEN BETTER money-making concept: The "Mister Mediocre" fast food restaurant franchise. I have studied American eating preferences for years, and believe me, this is what people want. Americans don't want to go into an unfamiliar restaurant, because they don't know whether or not the food will be very bad, or very good, or what. They want to go into a restaurant that advertises on national television, where they KNOW the food will be Mediocre. This is the heart of The "Mister Mediocre" concept.
The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called a "Patty", consisting off (this would be guaranteed in writing) "100% animal matter of some kind". All patties would be heated up and then cooled down in electronic devices immediatly before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, pretend bacon-bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle, and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspecting by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patties would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold that morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank to be even considered Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets".
"Mister Mediocre" restaurants would have a "salad bar" offering lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, pretend bacon-bits, Cheez Whiz, and a Special House Dressing made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle. The salad bar would be attended by an employee chosen on the basis of listlessness, whose job would be to make sure that all these above mentioned ingredients had been slopped over into each other's compartments.
"Mister Mediocre" restaurants would offer a special "Children's Fun Pak" consisting of a patty containing an indelible felt-tip marker that youngsters can use to write on their skin.
Also, there would be a large sign on the exit that said:
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH REGULATIONS:
ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING RESTAURANT!
If your a smart investor(or even a stupid one) who would like to get a hold of a "Mister Mediocre" restaurant franchise before the federal authorites get wind of this, all you need to do is send me a fairly large amount of cash. In return, I'll give you a complete Startup Package consisting of and unsigned letter giving you permission to use the idea. You, of course, will be entitled to legal advice at any time. For example, if you are in the situation where your Drive-thru customers are taking one bite from their patties and then having seizures that cause them to drive over pedestrians in a fatal manner, you can send me a telegram. "Hey," I'll advise you, for free, "Sounds like you need a lawyer!"
The idea was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as TV's and VCR's, in to the destruction center, where trained teenagers would gleefully whack them(the electronics, not the consumers) with sledgehammers. With their devices such permenantly destroyed, consumers would then feel free to go out and buy new devices, rather than to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so called "Factory Service Centers" which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronics with cheap cigars and going: "Lookit at all dem WIRES in der!"
I thought the Electronic Device Destruction Center was a sure-fire concept, but apparently I was wrong, judging from the amount of flame telegrams I recieved from those who had lost their life savings, and, in some cases, key organs. This made me feel so bad that I spent upwards five whole minutes wracking my brain, trying to think of an EVEN MORE sure-fire concept for you all.
One promising concept I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring they be installed on Congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your Congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a "fact-finding" study on how the French Goverment handles diseases transmitted by sherbert. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped to his waist, would inflate- FWAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the Congressman proposed a new law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!") This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring air bags on Congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small; there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them are already too large to fit through an ordinary plane door anyway.
But fortunatly for you, I have come up with an EVEN BETTER money-making concept: The "Mister Mediocre" fast food restaurant franchise. I have studied American eating preferences for years, and believe me, this is what people want. Americans don't want to go into an unfamiliar restaurant, because they don't know whether or not the food will be very bad, or very good, or what. They want to go into a restaurant that advertises on national television, where they KNOW the food will be Mediocre. This is the heart of The "Mister Mediocre" concept.
The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called a "Patty", consisting off (this would be guaranteed in writing) "100% animal matter of some kind". All patties would be heated up and then cooled down in electronic devices immediatly before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, pretend bacon-bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle, and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspecting by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patties would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold that morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank to be even considered Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets".
"Mister Mediocre" restaurants would have a "salad bar" offering lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, pretend bacon-bits, Cheez Whiz, and a Special House Dressing made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle. The salad bar would be attended by an employee chosen on the basis of listlessness, whose job would be to make sure that all these above mentioned ingredients had been slopped over into each other's compartments.
"Mister Mediocre" restaurants would offer a special "Children's Fun Pak" consisting of a patty containing an indelible felt-tip marker that youngsters can use to write on their skin.
Also, there would be a large sign on the exit that said:
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH REGULATIONS:
ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING RESTAURANT!
If your a smart investor(or even a stupid one) who would like to get a hold of a "Mister Mediocre" restaurant franchise before the federal authorites get wind of this, all you need to do is send me a fairly large amount of cash. In return, I'll give you a complete Startup Package consisting of and unsigned letter giving you permission to use the idea. You, of course, will be entitled to legal advice at any time. For example, if you are in the situation where your Drive-thru customers are taking one bite from their patties and then having seizures that cause them to drive over pedestrians in a fatal manner, you can send me a telegram. "Hey," I'll advise you, for free, "Sounds like you need a lawyer!"