Lord Grey II
29-01-2005, 23:49
I've been think about technology of late, because, as you are no doubt aware(like fudge you are) we recently celebrated 45th anniversary of the Etch-a-Sketch. I think we can all agree that, except for long-lasting nasal spray, this is one of the greatest technological advancments of all time. Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: drawing perfect verticals, drawing perfect horizontals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silvery powder stuff to figure out out how it works(Mystery Rays from space, is what scientists now believe), and generally enjoying the sheer pleasure of snatching it away from your sister and shaking it after she had spent 40 minutes drawing an eloborate picture of a bird.
Think how much better off the world would be if everybody, young and old, black and white, liberal and republican, American and Russian, would spend part of each day playing with an Etch-a-Sketch. Think how great it would be if they had public Etch-a-Sketches for you to use while you were waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. And imagine what would happen if, instead of guns, our young soldiers carried Etch-a-Sketches into battle! They would be cut down like field mice under a rotary mower! So we can't take this idea too far.
So anyway, as I said, this got me thinking about technology in general. Too often, three or four times a week, according to some figures I just made up, we take technology for granted. For example, when we drop our money into a vending machine at our place of employment and press the button for a tasty snack selection of crackers smeared with "chez"(a nondairy petroleum sub-product approved for use on humans), we blithely assume that the machine will automatically, most of the time, hurl our selected down into the pick-up bin using a computerized electronic snack-ejection device that gives our snack a bin-impact velocity of nearly 70 miles per hour, which is required to reduce our crackers to fine, sand-like, orange day-glow grit. We rarely stop to think that without this device, the only way for vending-machine manufactures would be able to achieve this kind of impact velocity would be to use gravity, which would mean the machines would have to be 4o ft tall!
Of course, not all technology is good. Some is exactly the opposite(bad). The two obvious examples of this are the hydrogen bomb and those stupid plastic "sneeze shields" they put over resturant salad bar for your alleged hygenic protection. I jave said this before, but I'll say it again: Sneeze guards actually spread diesease, because they make it hard for a short or squat-armed person to reach back to the chick peas and stimulated bacon, and some of these people are inevitably going to become frustrated and spit in the House dressing(a creamy italian).
But that does not mean we should be against technology in general. Specifically, we should not be so hostile to telephone-answering machines. I say this because I own one, and I am absolutely sick of hearing people say "I just HATE talking to a MACHINE!". They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around TRUMPETING it, you should stay at home a couple of days and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfertable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society, OK?
Meanwhile, technology marches on, thanks to new inventions concieved of by brilliant innovative geniuses such as a friend of mine named Clint. Although he really works at a nearby Wendy's as a surly cashier, Clint has discovered an amazingly simple yet effective labor-saving device for people who own wall-to-wall carpeting but don't want to vacumm it. Clint's concept is, you cut a piece of two-by-four so it's as long as your vacumm cleaner is wide, and just before company comes, you drag it across your carpet, so it leaves parallel marks similar to the ones left by vacumm cleaners. Isn't that great? The only improvement I can think of would be if they wove those same lines into the carpet right at the factory, so you wouldn't even need a two-by-four.
Another recent advantage in technology comes from another friend of mine name Joseph, who, being a brilliant innovative genius, has developed a way to fasten chopsticks together with a rubber band and a little piece of wadded-up paper in such a way that you can actually pickup food with them one-handed. You won't have to ask your waiter for a fork, which makes you look like you just tromped in from Des Moines and never even heard of Sweet and Sour pork. If you'd like to get in on this high-tech culinary advance, send an empty envelope with your address and a stamp on it to: Chopstick Concept, c/o Joseph, Some guy I know, 123 I_made_this_street_up Street, White Plains, New York 10601, and he'll send you, free, a Chopstick Conversion Kit. It includes a diagram. a rubber band and instructions that can be convienently wadded up for use as your paper ball wad, just as soon as I let him know he has made this generous offer.
And what other advances does the future hold, technology-wise? Even as you read these words, white-coated laboratory geeks are working on a revolutionary new digital camera that not only will focus automatically, set exposure automatically, flash automatically, but will also automatically refuse to take stupid pictures, such as the wing out of an airplane window.
Think how much better off the world would be if everybody, young and old, black and white, liberal and republican, American and Russian, would spend part of each day playing with an Etch-a-Sketch. Think how great it would be if they had public Etch-a-Sketches for you to use while you were waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. And imagine what would happen if, instead of guns, our young soldiers carried Etch-a-Sketches into battle! They would be cut down like field mice under a rotary mower! So we can't take this idea too far.
So anyway, as I said, this got me thinking about technology in general. Too often, three or four times a week, according to some figures I just made up, we take technology for granted. For example, when we drop our money into a vending machine at our place of employment and press the button for a tasty snack selection of crackers smeared with "chez"(a nondairy petroleum sub-product approved for use on humans), we blithely assume that the machine will automatically, most of the time, hurl our selected down into the pick-up bin using a computerized electronic snack-ejection device that gives our snack a bin-impact velocity of nearly 70 miles per hour, which is required to reduce our crackers to fine, sand-like, orange day-glow grit. We rarely stop to think that without this device, the only way for vending-machine manufactures would be able to achieve this kind of impact velocity would be to use gravity, which would mean the machines would have to be 4o ft tall!
Of course, not all technology is good. Some is exactly the opposite(bad). The two obvious examples of this are the hydrogen bomb and those stupid plastic "sneeze shields" they put over resturant salad bar for your alleged hygenic protection. I jave said this before, but I'll say it again: Sneeze guards actually spread diesease, because they make it hard for a short or squat-armed person to reach back to the chick peas and stimulated bacon, and some of these people are inevitably going to become frustrated and spit in the House dressing(a creamy italian).
But that does not mean we should be against technology in general. Specifically, we should not be so hostile to telephone-answering machines. I say this because I own one, and I am absolutely sick of hearing people say "I just HATE talking to a MACHINE!". They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around TRUMPETING it, you should stay at home a couple of days and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfertable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society, OK?
Meanwhile, technology marches on, thanks to new inventions concieved of by brilliant innovative geniuses such as a friend of mine named Clint. Although he really works at a nearby Wendy's as a surly cashier, Clint has discovered an amazingly simple yet effective labor-saving device for people who own wall-to-wall carpeting but don't want to vacumm it. Clint's concept is, you cut a piece of two-by-four so it's as long as your vacumm cleaner is wide, and just before company comes, you drag it across your carpet, so it leaves parallel marks similar to the ones left by vacumm cleaners. Isn't that great? The only improvement I can think of would be if they wove those same lines into the carpet right at the factory, so you wouldn't even need a two-by-four.
Another recent advantage in technology comes from another friend of mine name Joseph, who, being a brilliant innovative genius, has developed a way to fasten chopsticks together with a rubber band and a little piece of wadded-up paper in such a way that you can actually pickup food with them one-handed. You won't have to ask your waiter for a fork, which makes you look like you just tromped in from Des Moines and never even heard of Sweet and Sour pork. If you'd like to get in on this high-tech culinary advance, send an empty envelope with your address and a stamp on it to: Chopstick Concept, c/o Joseph, Some guy I know, 123 I_made_this_street_up Street, White Plains, New York 10601, and he'll send you, free, a Chopstick Conversion Kit. It includes a diagram. a rubber band and instructions that can be convienently wadded up for use as your paper ball wad, just as soon as I let him know he has made this generous offer.
And what other advances does the future hold, technology-wise? Even as you read these words, white-coated laboratory geeks are working on a revolutionary new digital camera that not only will focus automatically, set exposure automatically, flash automatically, but will also automatically refuse to take stupid pictures, such as the wing out of an airplane window.