Lord Grey II
29-01-2005, 17:06
I consider myself a pretty funny guy, but every so often I get questions like,"What kind of a sick, perverted disgusting person are you...",(they usually start out like that),"...that you would make jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
And that is the wonderful thing about humor. What may seem to be a tragic and potentially depressing situation to one person may be an absolute scream to another person, especially if they've had between four to seven beers(except "lite" beers, then you might need more than seven).
Then again, most people have to agree on what's funny, for most people like to be around a person with a great sense of humor, provided they practice good hygenic habits. This is why a lot of people ask me, "Tony, I'd like to be popular too. How can I get a sense of humor like yours, only with less dependence on jokes which are basically excuses to use the word "booger"?"
This is not an easy question. Ever since PREHISTORIC times, wise men have tried to understand what exactly makes people laugh. (That's why they were called "wise men") All the other prehistoric guys were out stabbing each other with crude spears, while the wise men were back in the cave saying:"How about: Here's my wife, please take her right now. No,no,no. Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about..." and so on.
Mankind didn't have a good, logical system of humor until thousands of years later when Aristotil discovered, while shaving, the Famous Humor Syllogism, which reads,"If A is equal to B, and B is equal to C, then it wouldn't be particuarly amusing if all three of them went around poking themselves in the eyes going "Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk". At least, I don't think it would be". (Aristotil was later proven wrong by the Three Stooges)
By the Elizabethan Era, humor had become extremely funny (just imagine!). The works of Shakespeare himself, for example, are filled with scenes that English teachers always claim are riotously funny, because when you decode them from whatever language they were speaking back then, it turns out that those same scenes mainly rely on the Elizabethan word for "booger". In America today, of course, our humor is much more sophisticated, ranging all the way from TV shows featuring outakes of actors forgetting their lines, to TV shows featuring actors in COMMERCIALS that can't seem to remember their lines. Also, we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that no one understands in except Mia Farlow. (Everyone who thinks Mia Farlow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen dresses up as a human sperm, raise their hands. I thought so!)
If you want to develop a sense of humor of your own, you need to learn some jokes. Notice I do not, repeat DO NOT, say "puns". Puns(says with despicable look on face) are little "play-on-words" that a certain breed of humans enjoy to spring on you during mid-sentence and thn look at you as though you think that person is the cleverest person on the planet, whereas you are actually thinking how if you are stuck on a lifeboat with dozens of passengers, including this person, he/she would be the first person to throw overboard, even if there is plenty of food and water.
So what you want are real joke. The best source for real jokes is the aithoritative Encyclopidia Britannica article titled "Humor and Wit", which is in volume 99(Humidity-Ivory Coast). This is where Carson gets all his material. It's a regular treasure trove of fun. Here's a real corker from the very beginning: "A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning, so takes a hot one."
Whooooeeee!!! That is one authoritive joke! Tell that joke at any6 dull party and watch other guests suddenly come to life and remember important dental appointments!
But that is not merely enough to know plenty of good jokes. You also need to be able to tell them properly. Here are some great tips:
1) When you are about to tell vicious, racist jokes, you should first announce that you were a liberal back when it was legal to be one.
2) Men have a certain body part that women do not have, and men tend to think jokes about this certain body part are hilarious, but if you tell such a joke to a women, they will look at you as if you are a plastic baggie filled with mouse droppings.(you know, I really don't know why this is)
3) If, after you tell a joke, and someone attempts to tell one back, assure them repeatedly that you haven't heard this one before, but then, as soon as they say the punchline, no matter how funny it may be, react as though he just told you the tempature outside and say "Yeah, I've heard that one."
4) Never attend a dinner party with my mother, because she will shout across the table at you:"Tell the one about the man who's seeking the truth, and he finally gets to Tibet and a wise man tell him that a wet bird doesn't fly at night," and she'll INSIST that you tell it, and then she'll tell you that you told it wrong, and you just might have to kill her with a fork.(Just kidding!)
5) Never end a joke, thread, paragraph, book, with "that's all, folks!"
I would like to thank Mr. Dave Barry for inspiring me and everyone in America to be funny.
And that is the wonderful thing about humor. What may seem to be a tragic and potentially depressing situation to one person may be an absolute scream to another person, especially if they've had between four to seven beers(except "lite" beers, then you might need more than seven).
Then again, most people have to agree on what's funny, for most people like to be around a person with a great sense of humor, provided they practice good hygenic habits. This is why a lot of people ask me, "Tony, I'd like to be popular too. How can I get a sense of humor like yours, only with less dependence on jokes which are basically excuses to use the word "booger"?"
This is not an easy question. Ever since PREHISTORIC times, wise men have tried to understand what exactly makes people laugh. (That's why they were called "wise men") All the other prehistoric guys were out stabbing each other with crude spears, while the wise men were back in the cave saying:"How about: Here's my wife, please take her right now. No,no,no. Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about..." and so on.
Mankind didn't have a good, logical system of humor until thousands of years later when Aristotil discovered, while shaving, the Famous Humor Syllogism, which reads,"If A is equal to B, and B is equal to C, then it wouldn't be particuarly amusing if all three of them went around poking themselves in the eyes going "Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk". At least, I don't think it would be". (Aristotil was later proven wrong by the Three Stooges)
By the Elizabethan Era, humor had become extremely funny (just imagine!). The works of Shakespeare himself, for example, are filled with scenes that English teachers always claim are riotously funny, because when you decode them from whatever language they were speaking back then, it turns out that those same scenes mainly rely on the Elizabethan word for "booger". In America today, of course, our humor is much more sophisticated, ranging all the way from TV shows featuring outakes of actors forgetting their lines, to TV shows featuring actors in COMMERCIALS that can't seem to remember their lines. Also, we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so sophisticated that no one understands in except Mia Farlow. (Everyone who thinks Mia Farlow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen dresses up as a human sperm, raise their hands. I thought so!)
If you want to develop a sense of humor of your own, you need to learn some jokes. Notice I do not, repeat DO NOT, say "puns". Puns(says with despicable look on face) are little "play-on-words" that a certain breed of humans enjoy to spring on you during mid-sentence and thn look at you as though you think that person is the cleverest person on the planet, whereas you are actually thinking how if you are stuck on a lifeboat with dozens of passengers, including this person, he/she would be the first person to throw overboard, even if there is plenty of food and water.
So what you want are real joke. The best source for real jokes is the aithoritative Encyclopidia Britannica article titled "Humor and Wit", which is in volume 99(Humidity-Ivory Coast). This is where Carson gets all his material. It's a regular treasure trove of fun. Here's a real corker from the very beginning: "A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning, so takes a hot one."
Whooooeeee!!! That is one authoritive joke! Tell that joke at any6 dull party and watch other guests suddenly come to life and remember important dental appointments!
But that is not merely enough to know plenty of good jokes. You also need to be able to tell them properly. Here are some great tips:
1) When you are about to tell vicious, racist jokes, you should first announce that you were a liberal back when it was legal to be one.
2) Men have a certain body part that women do not have, and men tend to think jokes about this certain body part are hilarious, but if you tell such a joke to a women, they will look at you as if you are a plastic baggie filled with mouse droppings.(you know, I really don't know why this is)
3) If, after you tell a joke, and someone attempts to tell one back, assure them repeatedly that you haven't heard this one before, but then, as soon as they say the punchline, no matter how funny it may be, react as though he just told you the tempature outside and say "Yeah, I've heard that one."
4) Never attend a dinner party with my mother, because she will shout across the table at you:"Tell the one about the man who's seeking the truth, and he finally gets to Tibet and a wise man tell him that a wet bird doesn't fly at night," and she'll INSIST that you tell it, and then she'll tell you that you told it wrong, and you just might have to kill her with a fork.(Just kidding!)
5) Never end a joke, thread, paragraph, book, with "that's all, folks!"
I would like to thank Mr. Dave Barry for inspiring me and everyone in America to be funny.