NationStates Jolt Archive

Student Suspended Over
Suspected Use of PHP
By Brian Briggs

Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today after teachers learned he may be using PHP.

"A teacher overheard him say that he was using PHP, and as part of our Zero-Tolerance policy against drug use, he was immediately suspended. No questions asked," said Principal Clyde Thurlow. "We're not quite sure what PHP is, but we suspect it may be a derivative of PCP, or maybe a new designer drug like GHB."

Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new menace in their children's school, and are demanding the school do something. "We heard that he found out about PHP at school on the internet. There may even be a PHP web ring operating on school grounds," said irate parent Carol Blessing. "School is supposed to be teaching our kids how to read and write. Not about dangerous drugs like PHP."

In response to parental demands the school has reconfigured its internet WatchDog software to block access to all internet sites mentioning PHP. Officials say this should prevent any other students from falling prey like Brett Tyson did. They have also stepped up locker searches and brought in drug sniffing dogs.

Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is wide spread around the school, but is particularly concentrated in the geeky nerd population. When contacted by BBspot.com, Brett Tyson said, "I don't know what the hell is going on dude, but this suspension gives me more time for fraggin'. Yee haw!"

PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very dangerous. It is believed that many users started by using Perl and moved on to the more powerful PHP. For more information on how to recognize if your child may be using PHP please visit http://www.php.net.


(I didn't write this, in case any of you are wondering ;))

He he he

Heheh :D

since this is the United States, I have to ask. Is the story true?

...O_o

Wow. And tothink i was about to research PHP for my site :)

The fact that he was suspended solely on rumor is wrong.

lol :p

(of course it's not real people... :rolleyes: )

:D :p HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! :p :D

More powerful PHP? Somebody's got his tie on too tight.

*applause*

Funny, though I have to agree with the previous poster: since it's the US, is this a real story?

No, I don't believe it's real. And what do you mean 'since it's the US...'

Americans aren't dumb because it's popular to say so.

LOL, yep, you got me.

No, I don't believe it's real. And what do you mean 'since it's the US...'

Americans aren't dumb because it's popular to say so.
yeah they are

this is friggin hilarious! the people at the school who suspended him must feel really old and stupid. :headbang:

Americans aren't dumb because it's popular to say so.
Since when is it 'popular' to say your stupid?

Now this is a good one. What's sad is that I can almost see this happening for real.

An oldie, but a goodie. :p

And giving credit where it's due, this is from BBSpot (http://bbspot.com/News/2000/6/php_suspend.html). Lot's of other good stuff there.

More powerful PHP? Somebody's got his tie on too tight.
Certainly.

No, I don't believe it's real. And what do you mean 'since it's the US...'

Americans aren't dumb because it's popular to say so.

Ha you are the ones who banned Spongebob in some areas because you thought he was gay.

Now this is a good one. What's sad is that I can almost see this happening for real.

Heh, one town in the US fretted over the dihydrogen monoxide scare. ;)

Ha you are the ones who banned Spongebob in some areas because you thought he was gay.

It hasn't been banned as far as I know...

It hasn't been banned as far as I know...

I said in some area's, and read the thread "Spongebob Gaypants". Not only are they against it but are pushing to ban a video clip which has him in it because he holds hands with Patrick.

I said in some area's, and read the thread "Spongebob Gaypants". Not only are they against it but are pushing to ban a video clip which has him in it because he holds hands with Patrick.

I read that thread, they're trying to ban it, I don't think theyve succeeded at all.

I read that thread, they're trying to ban it, I don't think theyve succeeded at all.
Eh well it's still something you'd go "Only in America" too. I need sherbert.

Eh well it's still something you'd go "Only in America" too. I need sherbert.

True.

Ha you are the ones who banned Spongebob in some areas because you thought he was gay.

Don't look at me. Don't look at Americans, even. I bet you can find people from every last nationality who have committed horrendous acts of sheer stupidity, the likes of which are completely incomprehensible. But don't attach it with a nation.

Since when is it 'popular' to say your stupid?

From what I gather, it's generally popular for people in other countries to despise the US and call their citizens stupid, inept, obese, etc. Unless they're democrats. But I disgress. This isn't about spongebob's sexuality or international perception of the US. It's about drug abuse! :P


[quote]
And giving credit where it's due, this is from BBSpot. Lot's of other good stuff there.


Ah, yes...sorry, I got this from another forum :P

Please let's stop talking about spongebob's sexuality? This thread is about a very serious problem, the growing trend of PHP substance abuse all over the world. ;)

I'm an american and I say many here are uneducated idiots. No offence to those who are not uneducated idiots, but like was mentioned - Santa Cruz, CA, the people got scared of DHMO or HOH that was in their styrofoam cups. Stupid shit like this happens all over the US, just people get lucky enough and not have it get caught on the news all the time.

Talk about old thread bumpage!

Though I do agree with Doujin. There are way too many stupid people in this country.

Tsk. That's how it starts. You experiment innocently with HTML, then you're doing CSS, JavaScript and before you know it you move onto the really hard stuff: Java, PHP, Perl. Soon you're shooting up VB.Net and ActionScript.

Sad, very very sad.

Heh, one town in the US fretted over the dihydrogen monoxide scare. ;)

OMG! You guys have that terrible stuff over there as well??? What do you do about it? How did you get rid of it? Where did it all come from?!? I'm really scared of that stuff! Sounds dangerous :eek:

The university was right to suspend him, PHP is an abomanation.

Bah PHP is noting, when you reach Post Nuke is when it gets bad :p

:sniper: Isn't this about PHP and PHP is a hypertext prosesser so why are we still talking about drug use? :confused:
:headbang: Yes Americans are stupid and I am proud to say I :headbang:
:headbang: Can't wait until I am no longer one. :headbang:

:sniper: Isn't this about PHP and PHP is a hypertext prosesser so why are we still talking about drug use? :confused:
:headbang: Yes Americans are stupid and I am proud to say I :headbang:
:headbang: Can't wait until I am no longer one. :headbang:

Then you'll be a stupid non-American? Certainly all that headbanging can't be good for your brain?

Ouch. I hope nobody finds out about my secret addiction. :D

No, I don't believe it's real. And what do you mean 'since it's the US...'

Americans aren't dumb because it's popular to say so.
no.....they are dumb.......

The university was right to suspend him, PHP is an abomanation.
I'm rather fond of PHP, although I've been dabbling in ASP lately.

Uh... haha... I knew that... of course it's not a drug!

That was geeky and horrible :) good job

Americans aren't stupid. America is.

Or, in the words of Tommy Lee Jones:
A person is smart; people are stupid.

Americans aren't dumb because they are American. Americans are allowed to be dumb, and live a dumb existence. That is the problem.

no.....they are dumb.......

And Europeans are assholes. Point?

And Europeans are assholes. Point?

Touched a nerve there, I think.

We Europeans are quite nice, actually.

Originally Posted by Theslackerhippypeasent
:sniper: Isn't this about PHP and PHP is a hypertext prosesser so why are we still talking about drug use? :confused:
:headbang: Yes Americans are stupid and I am proud to say I :headbang:
:headbang: Can't wait until I am no longer one. :headbang:
Did anyone else catch anything amusing about this?

(A) The name of the poster misspells "peasant" in his name while calling others stupid, and
(B) he uses a blatant generalization, which is characteristic of ignorance, yet still calls others stupid.

I won't tell you, as an American citizen, that we are all intellectuals. I already stated that too many Americans take advantage of the fact that they can live ignorant, even stupid, lives in relative peace. That does NOT, however, mean that all of them choose to do so. Some of us like to reach for the higher ground dispite being safe where we are.

However, I will wish you well in whatever new country to which you are immigrating. The USA is but one country, no better than any other, and it is absolutely fine to decide to live elsewhere.

*sigh* It's a freaking JOKE! The article is not, nor was it ever meant to be considered as, real. The fact that it can be found on BBSpot, which pronounces, "Satire for smart people, the truth for you" should be rather good evidence of this, although I have to say that the number of e-mails Brian gets from people who believe his articles is rather high.

It is not an attack on Americans; it is a joke at the expense of non-geeks as well as satire about the poor computer education at many schools.

Crumbs, I'm a user of SQL, VB, VBA and HTML.
I am in trouble!

Crumbs, I'm a user of SQL, VB, VBA and HTML.
I am in trouble!
No CSS? Shame on you - HTML is incomplete without CSS! It is like having C++ without libraries! *shudders*

Ha you are the ones who banned Spongebob in some areas because you thought he was gay.

Completely false.

On topic, kudos on the article.. that was quite funny. :)

No CSS? Shame on you - HTML is incomplete without CSS! It is like having C++ without libraries! *shudders*

Mate, CSS is strong stuff. Don't want to alert the cyberauthorities!
* Looks around *

Mate, CSS is strong stuff. Don't want to alert the cyberauthorities!
* Looks around *
True, even my Comp Sci Teacher can't handle that stuff.

Our required comp sci course is pathetic - it is basic stuff for everyone to handle, and on the website project, when I requested being allowed to use CSS on my project, the teacher said, "Ok, but don't expect my help." :rolleyes:

Luckily, our APCS-AB is good :)

True, even my Comp Sci Teacher can't handle that stuff.

Our required comp sci course is pathetic - it is basic stuff for everyone to handle, and on the website project, when I requested being allowed to use CSS on my project, the teacher said, "Ok, but don't expect my help." :rolleyes:

Luckily, our APCS-AB is good :)

hehehe, teachers hate smart-arse students or smart ones who show up their deficiencies.

hehehe, teachers hate smart-arse students or smart ones who show up their deficiencies.
I accidentaly corrected my CS teacher twice within the first five minutes of class... man, he was pissed. One was about a menu option in MX Dreamweaver, and I don't remember what the second was.

actually the kid could be suspended in the school district where i work. you can't install anything or modify anything on any school computer without approval from the district tech people. you start working with unauthorized code, man your toast. i don't exactly understand php, but if it involves changing anything on the computer, the network or any school district sites all hell would certainly break loose.

of course the central office tech folks fukked the system up this week, so no one in my classes can log onto their spanish course sites for some reason...

actually the kid could be suspended in the school district where i work. you can't install anything or modify anything on any school computer without approval from the district tech people. you start working with unauthorized code, man your toast. i don't exactly understand php, but if it involves changing anything on the computer, the network or any school district sites all hell would certainly break loose.

of course the central office tech folks fukked the system up this week, so no one in my classes can log onto their spanish course sites for some reason...
PHP doesn't require additional software; just as you can edit HTML with a word processor as simple as notepad, you can use PHP, since it is, in essence, just part of the page's code.

Talk about old thread bumpage!

Though I do agree with Doujin. There are way too many stupid people in this country.


And in just about every other country in the world....

Let's all face the facts: There are stupid people invading our whole planet! ahhhh *run away, run away*

And in just about every other country in the world....

Let's all face the facts: There are stupid people invading our whole planet! ahhhh *run away, run away*
Take arms! Kill the stupid! I suppose we can spare those who are outright mentally retarded (or handicapped, as the current trend may be), since their stupidity isn't their fault.

actually the kid could be suspended in the school district where i work. you can't install anything or modify anything on any school computer without approval from the district tech people. you start working with unauthorized code, man your toast. i don't exactly understand php, but if it involves changing anything on the computer, the network or any school district sites all hell would certainly break loose.

of course the central office tech folks fukked the system up this week, so no one in my classes can log onto their spanish course sites for some reason...

I'm Sys Admin (the backup one) and programmer now. Been there and done that at uni and work. hehe.

That was hilarious :D.

I could'nt code my way out of a wet paper bag with a hole in it, but know enough about that scripting gibberish to click it was a joke early on in the article. Was still funny though.

That was hilarious :D.

I could'nt code my way out of a wet paper bag with a hole in it, but know enough about that scripting gibberish to click it was a joke early on in the article. Was still funny though.
Neither coud I, but then, code doesn't seem to go through physical objects very well :)

PHP doesn't require additional software; just as you can edit HTML with a word processor as simple as notepad, you can use PHP, since it is, in essence, just part of the page's code.
Edit yes but runing the server is another issue :-P (that dont need to be on site though)

The name "Brian Briggs" should prove this article is fake, since that guy doesn't write real things.

Student Suspended Over
Suspected Use of PHP
By Brian Briggs

Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today after teachers learned he may be using PHP.

(I didn't write this, in case any of you are wondering ;))
Oh, GROAN! Is this for real??? :(

The name "Brian Briggs" should prove this article is fake, since that guy doesn't write real things.
I already said that, though I pointed to his site, BBSpot, not his name. Brian is awesome, though :)

Oh, GROAN! Is this for real??? :(
Nope :)

Oh, GROAN! Is this for real??? :(
"Satire for Smart People; the Truth for You."
- Taken from BBSpot.com, website of Brian Briggs, author of that article.

Nope :)
Whew! Thank God! I was getting ready to add this to the list of incomprehesible actions by Kansas school boards! :D

Whew! Thank God! I was getting ready to add this to the list of incomprehesible actions by Kansas school boards! :D
Lol know what you mean :)