NationStates Jolt Archive

A man returns from a shopping trip for christmas and stops at a friend's house to hide the gifts. He shows his friend a full-length fur coat. "Nice isn't it? I got it for my wife." The friend replies, "Good trade!"

In a math class:

Teacher: "Fred, you have sixteen dollars. Jack asks you for ten dollars. How much money do you have left?"

Fred: "Sixteen dollars."

Republicans

Im sorry i couldnt resist

Democrat

Just because i couldnt let anyone knick it and say it first.

2 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think that one would notice.

The Emperor Fenix.

Why old when you can steal body parts from the young and love forever


How do you sink an Irish submarine.
It already has.

The Emperor Fenix.

There.
Damn j00, i am no Joke...

You should have said

Jack Chick believes jesuit assissins are after him.

Why old when you can steal body parts from the young and love forever


How do you sink an Irish submarine.
It already has.
Your jokes not sense-making.
Maybe you should learn to properly english.

http://www.german-jokes.com/

For when you're tired of that tired, old, unscientific humour that the Brits serve you.

Your jokes not sense-making.
Maybe you should learn to properly english.

There is no try, only do.

THE ALLIGATOR

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return
for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and
dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth.
The
gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The
gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his manhood unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who is willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."

..... And you thought it was an alligator joke.

Your jokes not sense-making.
Maybe you should learn to properly english.
WHORES, I MISSPELLED IT O.o

*eye twitching*

let me repeat myself.

Why Grow Old When You Can Steal Body Parts From The Young And Live Forever.

What gender is it? If you're like most people, common everyday
items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of
them have a gender. For example:


Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.



Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm
up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.


Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and is often over inflated.


Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.


Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain
water.


Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.


Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.




Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.


Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider that it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
trying.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with
The other holds groceries.


BTW WTF is wrong with the server? It seems to lag forever between loading pages.

Lame joke:
An American, and Englishman and a Frenchman walk into a bar.
Bartender:"Is this some kind of joke?"


Really funny joke:
A blind man passes a fishmonger's: "Ladies...."

Really funny joke:
A blind man passes a fishmonger's: "Ladies...."

Hard as a blind lesbian nipples in a fish market

Lame joke:
An American, and Englishman and a Frenchman walk into a bar.
Bartender:"Is this some kind of joke?"


Really funny joke:
A blind man passes a fishmonger's: "Ladies...."

:eek:

so not nice!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

so a duck walks into a store, the guy asks can i help you.
the duck says, do you have any crackers.
the guy says, no im sorry we dont.
the duck leaves.

a few minutes later the duck walks in again, and asks the guy the exact same question, and the guy getting slightly annoyed says no. so the duck leaves.

about 15 minutes later the duck walks in again, and asks the same thing, only this time the guy replied, with more anger.

then about a half-hour later the duck walks in again, asks the same thing. with much hostility the guy says listen here we dont have any damn crackers, if you come in here again I'm going to staple your beak to the counter. so the duck leaves.

Then the duck comes back in and asks the guy, hey do you have any staples. the guy says why no we dont have any staples. the duck then replys with good do you have any crackers.

:eek:

so not nice!
Those poor blind people hitting on a fish stand :(

A blonde wearing headphones walks into the hairdressers and sits in the chair.
Hairdresser: "Honey, you have to take the headphones off!"
Blonde: "But I can't because I'll die."
So the hairdresser does the best he can do.

Next month the blonde returns.
Hairdresser: "Really dear, I can't do your hair properly with those headphones in the way."
Blonde: "But I can't take them off or I'll die!"
So he sighs and again does the best job he can do.

The next month when the blonde returns, the hairdresser decides he's had enough of this foolishness. He doesn't say a word but starts to work on her hair. Then he stops and whips off the headphones. To his shock she falls out of the chair and sprawls on the floor dead.
Wondering what happened, he picks up the headphones and hears a voice repeating: "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

A farmer is depressed and goes to see the shrink. The shrink asks him to tell him the best time he ever had in his life. The farmer answers "Once a few years ago my neighbours sheep got lost in the woods. Me and all the farmers formed a search party and found them in the morning. Before we put them back in their pens we had a little fun and all the farmers took turns banging the sheep."

The shrink shakes his head and asks the farmer to tell him about the second best time he ever had. The farmer answers "Another time my neighbours pigs got lost in the woods. Me and all the farmers formed a search party and found them in the morning. Before we put them back in their pens we had a little fun and all the farmers took turns banging the pigs."

This time the shrink says "OK, tell me about the worst time you've ever had in your life." The farmer answers "That's easy, about 3 weeks ago I got lost in the woods..."

Where does an Irishman go on vacation?

A New Bar

Three traveling salesmen stop at a farmhouse and ask for lodgings for the night. The old farmer agrees, but warns them not to screw around with his daughter. That night the farmer hears the unmistakable sounds of sex and opens the door to his daughter's room to find her busy with all three salesmen. He marches them out into the fields with his shotgun and orders them all to go out and pick three vegetables each then return with them.

The first salesman returns with three stringbeans. The farmer orders him to stuff them up his ass or die. The salesman complies, but is laughing like mad the whole time.
The second salesman returns with three cucumbers, and the process is repeated, laughter and all.
The farmer asks the two salesmen why they're laughing.
They reply "that other idiot is picking watermellons"

How do you make a venetian blind?

Poke him in the eyes.

--------------------

What do you call a happy mushroom?

A fun guy.

"Were you in the boat when it tipped over?"

"Why, no, you silly ass, I was in the water!"