NationStates Jolt Archive

If you have seen a worse movie than this post your warning to the rest of the world here.

I can only assume you haven't watched Van Helsing.

Or failing that, try tracking down the Christopher Walken Epic 'The Immortal'.


His Eminence
The Prime Poperoy of Gibberovia

I can only assume you haven't watched Van Helsing.

Or failing that, try tracking down the Christopher Walken Epic 'The Immortal'.


His Eminence
The Prime Poperoy of Gibberovia
People seem to like Chistopher Walken but I cant think of anything I have seen him in that I actually liked. (well pulp fiction , but thats it)

Dammit people vote!

The Village. Absolute shit.

The Village. Absolute shit.


Oooh, take that back......

His Eminence


The Prime Poperoy of Gibberovia

People seem to like Chistopher Walken but I cant think of anything I have seen him in that I actually liked. (well pulp fiction , but thats it)


Just because he's good, doesn't mean he's in good stuff.


The man is great and adds a touch of class to most things, just not 'The Immortal'.

His Eminence
Prime Poperoy of Gibberovia

Remains of the day is far far worse.

Likewise anything with Billy Crystal.

Remains of the day is far far worse.

Likewise anything with Billy Crystal.
Im almost ashamed to admit to liking "When Hatty Met Sally"

If you have seen a worse movie than this post your warning to the rest of the world here.

Farenheit 9/11

Im almost ashamed to admit to liking "When Hatty Met Sally"

There's no almost about it. It's shameful indeed.

'Lost in Translation' was absolute shit.
It was so fomulaic and predictable. First time we see the main actress, Scarlett Johansson. She's wide awake and her husband's snoring happily. He wakes up and says 'what's wrong' 'nothing' she replies, so he immediately goes back to sleep.
Ohhhh....I bet he's content with their life and relationship, but she isn't!
Next scene, Bill Murray checks in doing his 'I'm confused and don't know wtf I'm doing or where I am' look he does (don't get me wrong, I love Bill Murray's work) and the first letter he gets is from his wife telling him he's forgotten his son's birthday again.
Ohh, wait! I know this one! He's not a good father or husband and feels alienated and lost!
Later we see Murray at a photo shoot. Hilarious! The Japanese director is really tense and energetic. He yells for more than a minute at the translator who turns to Murray and says 'good'. More long japanese conversation and one-word english translations. Haven't seen that before. ROFLMAO most definitely.
Ha! Even better! Now the japanese director can't say his 'R's, so he's telling Murray to be like Loger Moore! Cue Murray looking confused and wtf again. Oh the hilarity! Please stop before my sides split open and my innards cascade everywhere.
Meanwhile Scarlett is seen wandering aimlessly around Tokyo being overwhelmed by the weirdness of everything. The old lonely in the big city thing. Then she tries to ring her friend and while talking and sobbing about how she can't handle everything her friend can't hear her properly because of the connection and then tells her she has to go and will call her back.
Oh No! She's all alone and vulnerable and no-one wants to support her! Truly an original character for a movie.
Then's there's Bill Murray being pestered in the bar by a couple of nerds about an old series he used to be in. He lies about why he's in Tokyo.
Ah ha! He's a faded washed up actor resorting to doing ads to pay the bills even though he's hurting inside over selling himself this way.
Gods, no-ones thought of writing a character like that before.
Nearly forgot. Scarlett and her husband meet a famous dumb actress that her husband knows (yet she doesn't, though that's never explained - nor either the fact they're only there a week and she's overwhelmed by Tokyo. Let's face it, if you went to a country for a week, it'd be exciting. The whole upset 'stranger in a strange land' thing doesn't settle in for a month or so, believe me). Anyway, back to the story. Beautiful actress talks to hubby and ignores her. Scarlett can't compete, cause she's just too intellectual for the conversation - we have her hubby telling her Scarlett has a Masters, just in case us viewers couldn't get the frustrated bored look on her face when the actress is talking shit to hubby. And just in case we haven't quite realised actress is thick, Scarlett accidently wanders into a media film-interview where she makes an idiot of herself by saying some stupid things about Japanese culture - just after Scarlett has been to a temple and had a japanese woman show her how to do something japanese! Scarlett is so much more into being one with the japanese ppl than dumb actress!
Whoops! Competition for hubby! I bet hubby's so shallow he won't recognise how deep Scarlett is. Can't he tell by the long sullen looks she does all the time?
Then Scarlett and Murray meet at the Hotel swimming pool. Hey! They have something in common, not just bored frustration and indecision about their lives. Whoah, freaky.
Later Scarlett and Murray get involved in some sort of crime scene and have to run through Tokyo's weird spots and they start laughing when they're safe.
We also get to see a japanese youth doing a bad karaoke redition of the Sex Pistols "God save the Queen".
So much subtly there! The classic antiestablishment punk songs now part of the most consumeristic society on Earth.
Oh the irony!

So many cliches, so little time.

The pirate DVD I bought crapped out about this time, so I didn't get to see the end and to be honest I didn't care. It would be one of the few movies I haven't watched all the way through. I'm usually a stickler for such things. Even if I'm not enjoying it, I'll still stick it out.
But this one. How the hell did it get so many awards? It was trite cliched shite.
I'm glad I only wasted 6RMB on it (6 Yuan - about 70c US, 39pUK or 55c Euro in case you're interested). Happily the others I bought (Fog of war, 2001, Standing in the shadows of Motown, Touching the void) all worked and were all good quality. And are bloody good movies too.

Another one that's crap is the French CGI movie 'Immortal'. The story is pathetic. Written by a 8 yr old surely. Shame, cause the grahics aren't bad. Not great though. We're still a few years away yet from an all-out CGI movie.

And '2046' is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen. It's a Chinese movie that took 3 years to make (and feels like 3 years to watch). It's about nothing. Just a guy in the 60's screwing around. He meets one girl, she falls for him, he gets bored and starts screwing another girl. Girl1 finds out and leaves. Now he's nostalgic for Girl1 and realises he shouldn't have let her go. This makes him not want Girl2, so he starts screwing Girl3. Girl2 finds out....etc etc etc. I think we get up to Girl8 or 9 or something by the end. At least 3 ppl fell alseep in the theatre, judging by the snores.
No doubt when it comes out overseas at the arts festivals it'll be hailed as a masterpiece by the same critics who gushed over 'Lost in Translation'.
But do yourself a favour. Unless you have insomnia, don't go watch it.

I just watched Lady Killers and I thought it was a total flop. I love Tom Hanks, and had not seen a bad movie that he was in, until now. What a dissapointment.

I also thought Magnolia was crap.

Farenheit 9/11
The truth can be upsetting can't it?

There's no almost about it. It's shameful indeed.
When Hatty met Sally is probably hot lesbian porn, i of course meant to say I liked "when Harry Met Sally"

"Van Helsing", as someone already mentioned, was crap.
Not as crap as "The Bone Collector", though!
"AVP (Alien versus Predator)" was also awful.
Likewise "Tomb Raider" (a small Angelina Jolie theme appears to be developing, as Alexander got pretty slated as well!).
Don't get me started on Episodes 1 or 2.
"The League of Extraordinary Gentleman" just came to mind.

Ahhh, poor quality Hollywood action movies, where would we be without them?

Has the world gone mad? Mystic River is an awesome movie! The score is a bit cheesy, granted, but letting Mr. Eastwood himself be in charge of that would always be a mistake in my opinion. I also loved Lost in translation, Magnolia, Fahrenheit 9/11 and Ladykillers. Meh.

Likewise "Tomb Raider" (a small Angelina Jolie theme appears to be developing, as Alexander got pretty slated as well!).



Anything with Angelina Jolie is excellent. I want to "protect" her.

Anything with Angelina Jolie is excellent. I want to "protect" her.

I want to "have sex" with her.

The Village. Absolute shit.



Why, because it isn't spooky and scary and didn't make you urinate your pants? :rolleyes: I found it "clever" but I heard Mystic River was very good, although dark and depressing.

I want to "have sex" with her.

Well you can't, because I'm protecting her.

If it involves Oli Stone, don't watch it, EVER.

Farenheit 9/11
Tsk tsk, Eutrusca-he said movie you've seen, not movie who's mere existance caused you to put on the tin foil hat and make a couch cushion fort.

Titanic.
It's so fucking boring. He had to sink the boat just to have a climatic ending.
When I went to see it my ex g/f, it got so dull I told her I was going to the toilet. As I went out I asked the usher what happens. He said 'In an hour they shag, about 10 minutes later the boat sinks'. Great! Now I knew what happens, I went to the pub across the road and downed a couple of pints before heading back over. I got there just in time to see the car rocking scene. Just in time for the action bit! Cool.
g/f was pretty pissed at me for buggering off like that. But there's no way I could have sat through that tripe.
Btw, anyone else ever notice how anti-English it is? All the cowards, sleazebags, and arseholes are English and all the noble, helpful ones are American, Welsh, Scottich or Irish.
e.g.
Main progtagonist - English
DiCaprio - American
The detective bodyguard who tries to kill DiCaprio- English
The cowardly guy who financed the ship and jumps onto a liferaft when it's 'woman and children only' - English
The engineer who decides to go down with the ship cause he's so ashamed of it sinking - Irish
The captain who goes down with his ship - Scottish
The sailor who shoots a passenger then himself - English
The woman who yells that they should go back to rescue others - American
The sailor who refuses to go back to help the passengers bobbing about in the water - English
The sailor who does - Welsh
etc etc etc
Notice a pattern there?
What did the English do to piss of James Cameron so much?

I do like what one person had to say about this movie on Amazon:
The movie was so boring, watching your dog crap in someones rich
lawn is more funnier.
Amen to that.

Worst movie I've ever seen,

South of Heaven, west of Hell.

Its a western movie where the people are dead, but don't know it, or something, I go lost in the whole thing.....very lost......

Oh, and I fell asleep to Blair Witch, though the second one wasn't too bad.

Titanic......


I made a point never to go see that movie. Big boat everyone dies.

Though my dad was asked if he was going to go see it at his work, and he said basically the same thing, I don't want to see a movie that I know how its going to end. The boat sinks, and lots of people die. One of his co-workers got pissed and said, Thanks a lot, I haven't seen the damn movie yet.

I made a point never to go see that movie. Big boat everyone dies.

Though my dad was asked if he was going to go see it at his work, and he said basically the same thing, I don't want to see a movie that I know how its going to end. The boat sinks, and lots of people die. One of his co-workers got pissed and said, Thanks a lot, I haven't seen the damn movie yet.
I wonder how many people will walk out of Revenge of the Sith exclaiming "Oh wow I cant believe Anakin Skywalker turns out to be Darth Vader!"

I wonder how many people will walk out of Revenge of the Sith exclaiming "Oh wow I cant believe Anakin Skywalker turns out to be Darth Vader!"
damn it, I haven't see that movie yet, next you're going to tell me that Palpatine is the evil sith lord also known as the Emperor

Titanic.
It's so fucking boring. He had to sink the boat just to have a climatic ending.
When I went to see it my ex g/f, it got so dull I told her I was going to the toilet. As I went out I asked the usher what happens. He said 'In an hour they shag, about 10 minutes later the boat sinks'. Great! Now I knew what happens, I went to the pub across the road and downed a couple of pints before heading back over. I got there just in time to see the car rocking scene. Just in time for the action bit! Cool.

I like your thinking! :p

I wonder how many people will walk out of Revenge of the Sith exclaiming "Oh wow I cant believe Anakin Skywalker turns out to be Darth Vader!"
He is?? *cries* you ruined it all

damn it, I haven't see that movie yet, next you're going to tell me that Palpatine is the evil sith lord also known as the Emperor
Then he'll probably really spoil it by telling us that Darth is Luke's father!
What a bastard.

Then he'll probably really spoil it by telling us that Darth is Luke's father!
What a bastard.
He cant be :( will you two please stop

wow demented you remember way to much about crappy movies. you are UTTERLY right about them but personally,i try to block the memories.

the difference between mystic river, titanic, lost in tokyo and the other crappy movies mentioned is that the former are DARLINGS of the critics. lost in tokyo was up for an oscar for gods sake! its all but unwatchable and they wanted to give it top honors! i only saw titanic on video but DAMN how did that thing make a billion dollars?? its one of the most boring movies ive ever seen! not only THAT but at the end that bitch lets her family think she DIED! oh yeah gotta love a girl like that

my recommendation for a movie loved by the critics but in fact utter crap is ADAPTATION. nicholas cage in a dual role in a movie about writing a screenplay. i couldnt finish it, not even to let the video run to the end while i posted meaningless shit on NS. why in the world did the critics like it?

As good as it was I have to say I was disappointed by Return of the king for cutting out the whole scourge of the Shire bit

Titanic.
It's so fucking boring. He had to sink the boat just to have a climatic ending.
When I went to see it my ex g/f, it got so dull I told her I was going to the toilet. As I went out I asked the usher what happens. He said 'In an hour they shag, about 10 minutes later the boat sinks'. Great! Now I knew what happens, I went to the pub across the road and downed a couple of pints before heading back over. I got there just in time to see the car rocking scene. Just in time for the action bit! Cool.
g/f was pretty pissed at me for buggering off like that. But there's no way I could have sat through that tripe.
Btw, anyone else ever notice how anti-English it is? All the cowards, sleazebags, and arseholes are English and all the noble, helpful ones are American, Welsh, Scottich or Irish.
e.g.
Main progtagonist - English
DiCaprio - American
The detective bodyguard who tries to kill DiCaprio- English
The cowardly guy who financed the ship and jumps onto a liferaft when it's 'woman and children only' - English
The engineer who decides to go down with the ship cause he's so ashamed of it sinking - Irish
The captain who goes down with his ship - Scottish
The sailor who shoots a passenger then himself - English
The woman who yells that they should go back to rescue others - American
The sailor who refuses to go back to help the passengers bobbing about in the water - English
The sailor who does - Welsh
etc etc etc
Notice a pattern there?
What did the English do to piss of James Cameron so much?

I do like what one person had to say about this movie on Amazon:

Amen to that.
I can understand your disliking of the movie, but you do realize the boat had to sink mainly because, it actually sank in real life. It wasn't as if Cameron said, "Man, this movie's slow, let's sink the ship and kill them all!"

Also most of the people you highlighted were historical figures. Can't very well change their nationalities, can you?

But other than that, I can see why you wouldn't sit thought it. Three hours of DiCaprio with no break?

Driven

Worst movie I've ever seen would have to be... A View from the Top. Movies that I stop watching half-way through are few and far between, but that was one of them. It sucked.

I went to see Titanic and when I was in the theater, I sat through the opening bits and whatnot, no big deal, but mildly obnoxious.

It comes to the scene where they're all on the docks. There's a little thing there where some little girl says something about the big boat and the dad says, "It's a ship".

I stood up and shouted, "No! It's cardboard! Look at it! This is shit!" and got my money back.

A couple of years later, I watched the whole thing on DVD. I could not believe that the boat sinking was done in real time. Why, oh why, was this piece of crap so hyped? Oh, and seriously, we should nuke Quebec because of Celine Dion.

As for Mystic River, I liked it.

wow demented you remember way to much about crappy movies. you are UTTERLY right about them but personally,i try to block the memories.

the difference between mystic river, titanic, lost in tokyo and the other crappy movies mentioned is that the former are DARLINGS of the critics. lost in tokyo was up for an oscar for gods sake! its all but unwatchable and they wanted to give it top honors! i only saw titanic on video but DAMN how did that thing make a billion dollars?? its one of the most boring movies ive ever seen! not only THAT but at the end that bitch lets her family think she DIED! oh yeah gotta love a girl like that

my recommendation for a movie loved by the critics but in fact utter crap is ADAPTATION. nicholas cage in a dual role in a movie about writing a screenplay. i couldnt finish it, not even to let the video run to the end while i posted meaningless shit on NS. why in the world did the critics like it?

What?! Adaptation was great! Even though Meryl Streep is in it! :confused: I agree about Lost in translation, though, it was AWFUL, much worse than Mystic River. But do you know what's even worse? THE ENGLISH PATIENT. Oh no, I was trying to forget that nightmare experience! Now you reminded me! :(

The Village. Absolute shit.
i liked the village OK except for one thing....

how can a big time director like that not notice the freaking BOOM being in so many shots? is it some kind of statement? is the boom man his brother in law?

WHY??

I can understand your disliking of the movie, but you do realize the boat had to sink mainly because, it actually sank in real life. It wasn't as if Cameron said, "Man, this movie's slow, let's sink the ship and kill them all!"

Also most of the people you highlighted were historical figures. Can't very well change their nationalities, can you?

I wasn't talking about the real Titanic. Yes I did know it sunk. I've watched 'A night to remember'. I was refering to the movie itself.
I meant that if there had been no Titanic as an actual historical disaster, it would still have had to sink in the movie in order to give the movie a point to it.
The movie was so dull in it's build-up and story that by necessity it needed a huge climatic ending. The boat had to sink dramatically in the movie in order to give us an exciting ending. So Cameron used the Titanic, cause everyone knows the story behind it.
Without it it would have been the most incredibly boring movie (well it still was) to watch. Using the Titanic was a gimmick used to obscure us from the fact it's a shit movie.

As for the characters I named - for a start the main charactors (Winslet, her fiance, DiCaprio) were made up. Then there was the sailor who shot a passeger then himself (played by Pete Poslewaite I think. Damn fine actor). Apparently his family tried to sue Cameron over that, cause in actual fact he was given a postumous award for bravery. He stayed on board helping as many ppl as possible onto the rafts but didn't get on himself.
The sailor in the boat who yells that he's not going back - who's to say that happened? And the one who did go back was welsh - but again where did that come from?
As to the real figures (the captain, engineer, financier), how do we know the Irish engineer was so noble at the end (other than Cameron's movie)? He could easily have been like the financier and tried to force his way onto a liferaft, but unlike the financier failed.
Nope, when you go through it, the English come out of it looking like a bunch of wankers.

To Ashmoria, yes unfortunately I do remember too much of the shit movies. I think it's because it bugs the hell out of me that I've just wasted xx amount of money and xx amount of my time watching this particular bit of shite. As a result when I'm on the rowing machine at the gym I reflect as to why it was so bad. Cause I spend a lot of time on those machines of torture I go into great detail.
I need a better hobby I think.