NationStates Jolt Archive

Everyone can put up their favourite jokes, quotes or stories here, some light entertainment. But keep it clean please. :D

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

reminds me of those stupid exam questions for 'religion': "give your opinion on ..." , "what do you think of ...", etc. They should give anyone 100% on those questions.

Why did the Baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

An actual answer in a GCSE Paper:

Describe who Leonardo de vinci was:

He was some guy who invented the helicopter and he also discovered america or somthing. After he died his career took a dramatic decline.

(Not surprisingly this student failed.)

An actual answer in a GCSE Paper:

Describe who Leonardo de vinci was:

He was some guy who invented the helicopter and he also discovered america or somthing. After he died his career took a dramatic decline.

(Not surprisingly this student failed.)


I am both saddened and frightened by that. That's our future talking? *shakes head*

Actually that reminds me of my favorite quote....

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on Earth."
--Me

Ooh, my favourite joke...that's a hard one, well here goes, Sorry if it's a bit lengthy

Two rebellious boys are the scourge of their neighbourhood. Their mother has tried in vain to control them, and feels optimistic when she hears of a priest who is apparently good at getting kids back into line.
She organises for him to meet with her sons individually.
She takes her first, and younger son to the priest, who takes him into a room and sits him down. He sits in front of the boy and asks, "Where is God?"; the boy stares back at him blankly. "Where is God?" he repeats, suddenly the boy starts sweating and trembling..."Where is God" says the priest again, all of a sudden the boy jumps up, and runs screaming down the street all the way home, where he proceeds to lock himself up in a cupboard. At this, his older brother comes running in, and opens the cupboard to see what the hell the problem is. "What happened?" he asks...his brother looks at him fearfully, "God's missing" he says, "And they think we did it!"

Tee hee hee

Also my favourite quote/saying thingy:
Never be afraid to try something new, remember: Beginners built the Ark, Experts built the Titanic!

Q. Why did the chicken come onto the football pitch???
A. Because the referee blew for a foul! :D

Btw, my favourite quote is by a Mexican Freedom fighter in the early 1900's. He said:

Don't let it end like this, tell them I said something famous :)

A man decides to go the driving range, as he can get a club there, he only carries some golf balls. He gets on the bus and sits next to a woman, as the journey continues, he notices the woman looking at the large bulge in his pocket. He turns to her and to allay any worries, he says "don't worry, it's only golf balls". She smiles, thinks for a minute and says "oh!, my husband has got tennis elbow!"

Well, i think it's funny

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"


LOL

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"


LOL

ha ha ha falls off chair

What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, brilliant. LOL :D

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

:D

have you ever notice how burns victims always stick together?

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

Q. What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common???
A. They both had curds in their whey(Kurds in their way) :D

Q. What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common???
A. They both had curds in their whey(Kurds in their way) :D


lol

Oh, there's more. Wanna hear??? :D

yes

Definition of Agony

Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls



DJ's First Day of School

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.
'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.'

'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!'

'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'

Ok, but I've only got 10 mins more before I gotta go :(

Q. Why are dwarves barred from nudist camps???
A. Because they are always going around poking their noses in other people's affairs.

Q. What does a priest and an xmas tree have in common?
A. Their balls are both for decoration.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You Can Tell It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
(Note: this is VERY likely to happen in a government office!)
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work, get there, and realize your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Ok, but I've only got 10 mins more before I gotta go :(

Q. Why are dwarves barred from nudist camps???
A. Because they are always going around poking their noses in other people's affairs.

Q. What does a priest and an xmas tree have in common?
A. Their balls are both for decoration.

no more jokes about retarded dwarves - they're not big and they're not clever

One day a little boy asks his father what was the difference between "technically" and "reality." So, the dad says, "Son, I'll won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But, to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep with a bum for five hundred thousand dollars."

The little boy goes up to his mom and asks, "Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for five hundred thousand dollars?"

"You bet your ass I would!" exclaims his mother.

The little boy returns to his father. "Daddy, Daddy! She said she would!"

"Okay, now go ask your sister if she would sleep with the garbage man for five hundred thousand dollars," his father says.

The little boy goes up to his sister's bedroom and asks, "Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbage man for $500,000?"

"I sure as hell would!" she replies.

The little boy finds his father again. "Dad, sis said she would. So what does that mean?" he asks.

"Well, son, technically we're are millionaires........ but in reality we live with a couple of whores!"

no more jokes about retarded dwarves - they're not big and they're not clever

Brilliant, just brilliant. :D

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed to lose weight.
''I'm at the end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?''

So the doctor examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut.

''Well, OK doctor, it sounds drastic, but I guess that's what I need.''

Anyway, six months go by and the dude comes out of hospital, thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctor's to thank him.

''There's only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand, that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?''

''Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.''

So the dude strips down. Then, squeezing it all upwards, the doctor ties it in a ball above his head.

''That''s all well and good, doc'', the dude said, ''but my navel is now in the middle of my forehead.''

The doctor replies, ''Yes, but you should see what you have got for a collar and tie!''

Once there was a man named BB. He had a very fat wife and for his 40th b-day she went and got a B tattooed on each butt cheek. She went home and showed BB and he asked who BoB was!

A young man walks into a bar and orders 4 double scotches.
The bartender asks him: "What's the big deal? You celebrating or somethin'?"
The man replies: "Yep! Just had my first blow-job!"
Bartender:"Hey! That's great news! Here, have another one on me"
Young man:"No thanks. If 4 shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A guy's being interviewed for a job in the Postal service. The interviewer reads his resume and remarks: "I see you were in the army for 6 years"
Guy: "Yep. Did two tours of 'Nam. Got sent home early cause I had my testicles shot off!"
Interviewer: "Ohh, sounds nasty. Anyway, I'm very impressed with your CV and am pleased to offer you the job. You can start Monday. The usual clock-in time is 9am, but you can come in at 10."
Guy: "Why's that?"
Interviewer: "Cause we just stand around for the first hour scratching our balls."

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes!

What is grosser than gross?
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.

What's grosser than gross?
Ten babies in one mail box.
What's grosser than that?
One baby in ten mailboxes.

What's grosser than that?
Biting into a pickle and finding a vein.

What's grosser than that?
A cheerleader doing a split and sticking to the floor.

What's grosser than that?
A girl thinking she has crabs only to find it's fruit flies because her cherry rotted.


An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Look- I have no doubt you are Lucifers child, but youre on the borderline of getting this thread locked with some of your jokes. And dead baby jokes arent funny.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers


1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'


LOL....

Ollie and Sven are on Holiday in Florida. Beautiful beaches and even better women. Alas, after days of trying they are having no luck. Then they notice one bloke who is surrounded by beautiful bikini babes. He's pretty average looking, so Sven & Ollie are a bit confused.
That night they see him in the bar, so go up and ask him what his secret is.
"Because there's so many gourgeous women here - enough for us all! - I'm willing to let you in on my secret. Before I go out onto the beach, I slip a potato into my swimming trunks. The girls notice the bulge and flock around me. They're so excited they don't even notice later when I'm not everything they think I am."
So the next day Ollie and Sven try this trick. They shove a potato down their trunks and proudly walk around the beach. Disaster! They have even less luck than before! Not one woman wants to talk to them.
That night, back in the bar the man approaches them. "I saw what happened today and I can tell you what the problem is: The potato is meant to go down the FRONT of your trunks."

I heard this one from one of my friends, I loved it.

Little Susie never liked Sunday school, she always fell asleep, then one day during sunday school, she fell asleep, the teacher asked Susie who created the world. Little Jonnie, who sat behind her poked her with a pencil, she jumped up and yelled "God!". The teacher moved on to the next question, Susie went back to sleep, then the teacher asked Susie who God's son is, Jonnie poked her with a pencil again, she jumped up and yelled "Jesus Christ!", the teacher moved on, and Susie went back to sleep again. Then the teacher asked Susie what Eve said to Adam after she bore her 12th child, Once again, Jonnie poked Susie with a pencil, Susie jumped up and turned to Jonnie and yelled: "If you stick that g*d damn thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!". The teacher fainted.

I heard this one from one of my friends, I loved it.

Little Susie never liked Sunday school, she always fell asleep, then one day during sunday school, she fell asleep, the teacher asked Susie who created the world. Little Jonnie, who sat behind her poked her with a pencil, she jumped up and yelled "God!". The teacher moved on to the next question, Susie went back to sleep, then the teacher asked Susie who God's son is, Jonnie poked her with a pencil again, she jumped up and yelled "Jesus Christ!", the teacher moved on, and Susie went back to sleep again. Then the teacher asked Susie what Eve said to Adam after she bore her 12th child, Once again, Jonnie poked Susie with a pencil, Susie jumped up and turned to Jonnie and yelled: "If you stick that g*d damn thing in me one more time I'll break it in half!". The teacher fainted.





oh yes thats wicked lol

http://www.allthingsflash.com/files/spiderman.swf

http://www.allthingsflash.com/files/endofworld.swf

i got this from www.funny.com
Sorry for the length.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they wouldmarry, he thought to himself, she'll never marry me if I keep eating backed beans so he decided to give them up.

A few months after they were married, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small café. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. :headbang:

for more funny jokes go to www.funny.com

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

:p

Heheheh, nice joke PinkPingwins!

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ......= Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ......= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ...............= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED ...= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY .........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ......= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER .............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING .................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .....................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS ...= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ......= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .......= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT ...= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR ...........= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ..................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ..........................= Can't get a job anywhere else

from the Darwin Awards website

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."
"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3
kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so
grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W.
said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael
sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built
in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by
this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your
ass from drowning!"