NationStates Jolt Archive

ok, so one of my guy friends tried to put some moves on me despite numerous indications on my part that a) i'm taken and b) i had no interest in him anyways and my bf is pissed off about it.

this also happened like three months ago.

at any rate, my bf accused me of leading this guy on when i did no such thing, i told stories that involved my bf, describing him as my bf in said stories, i responded awkwardly to any compliments given, he attempted to tickle me and i came close to injuring him to get his hands the fuck away from me, he tried to kiss me one day [yes, ever after the boyfriend stories] and i jumped back three feet, since then i tried to avoid contact with him yet having the same circle of friends... yeah... anyways, he tries to ask me out and i tell him outright (since he is obviously rather dense) that i have a boyfriend. perhaps i should have given him that talk sooner, but what the fuck am i supposed to do, i hate awkward conversations like that and would rather just avoid him and hope he loses interest.

and at any rate, since then i have been avoiding him rather successfully...

and yet my bf still gets upset and acts as though i did something wrong here.

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?

Slap the guy in front of your bf. In public, preferably. Nothing makes a better gesture than a good slap in public.


And I'm not kidding either.

Lemme guess. Teenager or early twenties? Thats when we men are at our worst. Don't try to make sense of it. Ten or fifteen years from now neither one of these guys will be able to expalain why they were such boneheads.

i'm 21, my bf is 22 and the other guy is 20.

good guess.

edit: oops, damn dyslexia.

and yet my bf still gets upset and acts as though i did something wrong here.
Its unlikely that anyone on this forum knows why your bf is still getting upset and why he is acting as though you did something wrong here.
Ask your bf what is upsetting him and what he feels you did wrong to upset him.

Its unlikely that anyone on this forum knows why your bf is still getting upset and why he is acting as though you did something wrong here.
Ask your bf what is upsetting him and what he feels you did wrong to upset him.
i tried to ask him. he said that i was leading this guy on and that i somehow wanted something to happen.

i tried to reassure him that i'm not about to run off with someone else as i love him and i really don't give a damn about anyone else. fuck 'em all i say.

of course this doesn't seem to reassure him.

i'm 21, my bf is 22 and the other guy is 20.

good guess.

edit: oops, damn dyslexia.
Haha.... That's illegal (I believe)

Edit: Damn slow computer.

i'm 21, my bf is 22 and the other guy is 20.

good guess.

edit: oops, damn dyslexia. Heh I was about to suggest a public execution of both guys but since you are 21 and not 12 my original advice stands.

ok, so one of my guy friends tried to put some moves on me despite numerous indications on my part that a) i'm taken and b) i had no interest in him anyways and my bf is pissed off about it.

this also happened like three months ago.

at any rate, my bf accused me of leading this guy on when i did no such thing, i told stories that involved my bf, describing him as my bf in said stories, i responded awkwardly to any compliments given, he attempted to tickle me and i came close to injuring him to get his hands the fuck away from me, he tried to kiss me one day [yes, ever after the boyfriend stories] and i jumped back three feet, since then i tried to avoid contact with him yet having the same circle of friends... yeah... anyways, he tries to ask me out and i tell him outright (since he is obviously rather dense) that i have a boyfriend. perhaps i should have given him that talk sooner, but what the fuck am i supposed to do, i hate awkward conversations like that and would rather just avoid him and hope he loses interest.

and at any rate, since then i have been avoiding him rather successfully...

and yet my bf still gets upset and acts as though i did something wrong here.

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?

See, now let that be a lesson to you. Don't be desirable to the opposite sex.

At times, guys can be douches

**shrugs**

Join a cult, become a lesbian, reclaim your virginity in the name of womyn's empowerment, get a job as a truck driver, make your CB handle "snow job", buy a house with your new life partner and her 13 year old son.

If the guy doesn't leave you alone after that, have him shot in the face.

I say dump 'em both and go with me

Heh I was about to suggest a public execution of both guys but since you are 21 and not 12 my original advice stands.
yeah, i noticed that as it was posting... oops. one finger is faster than the other it seems, but what a difference that makes.

i'm 21, my bf is 22 and the other guy is 20.

good guess.

edit: oops, damn dyslexia.Good guess? That was a sure thing. I'm old enough to recognize the idiocy of my youth but not enough to have forgotten it. Young men have been acting as you described since the dawn of time. As for asking your BF why he's pissed at you, I doubt you'll get a satisfactory answer. It might seem perfectly reasonable to him but I doubt you'll find it so. Although you'll find it of little condolence, he'll probably realize the error of his ways in a decade or two.

The only solution is violence. You want this guy as near comatose as possible, and your boyfriend wants to do the same, and make him undesireable.

You privately arrange to meet them both (separately) in a public place, then when 'offender' meets you and says something like 'but I thought you said...' he won't finish because he'll be choking on his own teeth. :D

Problem solved. I'm better than Doctor Phil

It's only infuriating because YOU haven't resolved it. If you can't be resolute and speak with conviction, don't blame men for that! You're a big girl, sweetheart. Handle it!

"Never underestimate the power of a brunette".
- Power of Brunette

how the hell am i supposed to handle it when my bf is pouting off on his end of the conversation and not answering me.

how the hell am i supposed to handle it when my bf is pouting off on his end of the conversation and not answering me.
Ah, hmm best way to handle it is probably to dump his whiney pouty ass.
If he wants to bitch and whine without being reasonable let him be some other fuckers problem.

Well, you could try asking HIM if he's ever lead another on. I've found that when someone rails on your about something, it does no good to appease them because he/she has probably done the same thing himself/herself. Just ask him if he's ever done something similar himself. You may find he'll act all offended or just simply stop whining about whether you're leading this guy on.

how the hell am i supposed to handle it when my bf is pouting off on his end of the conversation and not answering me.Listen, there is no handling it. There is no right answer. Nobody here's gonna come up with anything that's gonna make it all better. It'll have to work itself out on it's own. Don't stress. Let him pout, he'll get over it. Men of that age are ruled by other things, pouting isn't something they do well.

My suspicion is it's insecurity on his part, due to youth and inexperience.

ok, so one of my guy friends tried to put some moves on me despite numerous indications on my part that a) i'm taken and b) i had no interest in him anyways and my bf is pissed off about it.

this also happened like three months ago.

at any rate, my bf accused me of leading this guy on when i did no such thing, i told stories that involved my bf, describing him as my bf in said stories, i responded awkwardly to any compliments given, he attempted to tickle me and i came close to injuring him to get his hands the fuck away from me, he tried to kiss me one day [yes, ever after the boyfriend stories] and i jumped back three feet, since then i tried to avoid contact with him yet having the same circle of friends... yeah... anyways, he tries to ask me out and i tell him outright (since he is obviously rather dense) that i have a boyfriend. perhaps i should have given him that talk sooner, but what the fuck am i supposed to do, i hate awkward conversations like that and would rather just avoid him and hope he loses interest.

and at any rate, since then i have been avoiding him rather successfully...

and yet my bf still gets upset and acts as though i did something wrong here.

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?


Tell him outright, forcefully if necessary, that you already have a boyfriend and so are not available, and will not be available. If that doesn't help, go for the slapping, preferably in view of many people. However, do NOT do the "avoid him and hope he loses interest" thing. As someone who's been in a similar position to your... acquaintance (though I was shy, not bold at all like him), and had the "avoidance" strategy used on him, I can say that it's an incredibly low, hurtful, cowardly thing to do to someone. Being slapped would be preferable, actually, and would also be a much more clear message. First tell him that there is no way that he can be with you in that way, and he should just give up pursuing you in a romantic manner. If this does not work, then slap him. That will make your answer very clear, both to him and to your boyfriend, who should trust you more.

mankind in a nutshell:

Grunt! Grunt!
BOOBIE BOOBIE BOOBIE!
Grunt! Grunt!


so basically, your BFs jealouse of the other guy, and wants to run over him in your car...

Let's take a look at the situation from a guy's perspective...

Guys handle things directly, and aggressively (for the most part)... Women tend to handle things subtlely, and passively (by comparison)...

So, the average guy doesn't accept the passive route as something definite, or even worthy of acknowledging... It isn't effective in our eyes, and appears to be pretty meaningless... And in fact, we often tend to either ignore it, or we simply don't pick up on it...

So, your boyfriend sees your relatviely passive handling of this situation as almost an endorsement of it... He doesn't think your actions will do any good, and so, he thinks that you really aren't even trying to make the other guy stop... And thus, he thinks that you're allowing it to happen...

This also applies to the other guy's view of your responses... He most likely views them as being too passive, and thinks of it as a "hard to get" sort of game you're playing with him... And in fact, it probably encourages him even more than anything... Your boyfriend also probably views it like this, as if you really are leading this other guy on...

The only way to make your boyfriend happy, and to really get the other guy to stop is to be as direct, and aggressive as you possibly can... You need to basically flat out say to the offender that he has no chance, and he needs to stop... No subtle hints to that effect, no passively waiting for it to blow over or for him to "get the hint" (guys don't get hints, period)... You need to come right out and tell him bluntly, and with no room for doubts that he has no chance...

You may think that you've been perfectly clear in that matter, but unless you've said it right to him in plain english, you really haven't... At least not as far as he is concerned... And heck, even if you have said it in that manner, unless you've been forceful enough in doing so, he probably thought you were joking...just playing the game further...

Now don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that your boyfriend is correct in this view, or that you've done anything wrong... Quite the contrary... I'm just trying to shed some light on the thought processes involved here, and how the two genders view things much differently...whether they be right or wrong...

mankind in a nutshell:


so basically, your BFs jealouse of the other guy, and wants to run over him in your car...

Best. Post. Ever.

You are dealing with one of those never say die types who will be persistent until you physically harm him or publically embarrass him, at which point he will refer to you, amongst his friends and all who will listen, as a "stupid bitch". There may be no way around that.

Your boyfriend is just jealous, there are a lot of us jealous types out there. As long as it doesn't get to an unhealthy level, maybe you could look at it as a complement or something.

i tried to ask him. he said that i was leading this guy on and that i somehow wanted something to happen.

i tried to reassure him that i'm not about to run off with someone else as i love him and i really don't give a damn about anyone else. fuck 'em all i say.

of course this doesn't seem to reassure him.
Seriously, it's his problem, not yours, even though his problem is apparently with you. You know you've done nothing wrong; if he has a problem with it, that's for him to deal with. Your slate is clean. Tell him so.

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?
some guys are jerks who can't take no for an answer and only see what they want - if he wants you he's not even gonna register what you say to discourage him, if he's anything like some people i used to know.
some guys are assholes like that, and then some (like me) are too timid to even approach a girl they know in this way - to ask em out etc. unfortunatley its only the asshole type that gets girls at all, so its all very confusing from a male perspective too :confused:

ok, so one of my guy friends tried to put some moves on me despite numerous indications on my part that a) i'm taken and b) i had no interest in him anyways and my bf is pissed off about it.

this also happened like three months ago.

at any rate, my bf accused me of leading this guy on when i did no such thing, i told stories that involved my bf, describing him as my bf in said stories, i responded awkwardly to any compliments given, he attempted to tickle me and i came close to injuring him to get his hands the fuck away from me, he tried to kiss me one day [yes, ever after the boyfriend stories] and i jumped back three feet, since then i tried to avoid contact with him yet having the same circle of friends... yeah... anyways, he tries to ask me out and i tell him outright (since he is obviously rather dense) that i have a boyfriend. perhaps i should have given him that talk sooner, but what the fuck am i supposed to do, i hate awkward conversations like that and would rather just avoid him and hope he loses interest.

and at any rate, since then i have been avoiding him rather successfully...

and yet my bf still gets upset and acts as though i did something wrong here.

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?

Why are men infuriating?

I dunno.

Why can't some women just come out and tell it like it is rather than drop hints and expect others to successfully read between the lines.

Want men to pick up on what you mean? Try being direct. It doesn't "take a talk". It takes exactly one sentance.

All you had to do was tell the other guy: "Look, it's flattering but I have a boyfriend and am not interested in you or anyone else. Either accept that and be friends or don't."

That's it, that's all, and you can walk away right after with a suggestion that he think about it.

Then tell your boyfriend: "OK, I told the guy this specifically because obviously HE wasn't picking up my hints. If you thought I wasn't being direct enough before I hope that clear this thing up so we don't have to worry about it anymore."

And then, if your boyfriend still tries to hold it against you tell him: "Look, I'm sorry if I wasn't direct enough before, and that the guy didn't get the hint. It wasn't a flirting thing on my part just an overestimation of his brains - and I have rectified the problem. Now either grow the hell up and get past it or I'm seriously going to have wonder if you are going to turn into one of those clingy, jealous, controlling guys. I can't stop other people from being interested in me, all I can do is tell them that I'm not interested in them. Now you just have to decide that you trust me or you don't - and yes this will impact how I feel about our relationship."


If you haven't caught on yet - men apreciate direct statements. Hints, signals and the like are something we take a lot of time trying to learn (because you force us too) but many never excel at.

Some of us do, but at your age you are dealing with a lot of people that don't. So learning to express yourself clearly will go a long way towards limiting your infuriation factor.

some guys are jerks who can't take no for an answer and only see what they want - if he wants you he's not even gonna register what you say to discourage him, if he's anything like some people i used to know.
some guys are assholes like that, and then some (like me) are too timid to even approach a girl they know in this way - to ask em out etc. unfortunatley its only the asshole type that gets girls at all, so its all very confusing from a male perspective too :confused:
No shit ... I sound just like you lol

I bet you were like me ... timid to ask out but always the "friend" relyed on when things go wrong in their relationships
dosent that just SUCK ... girl you absolutly love just hurt by some jerk and comes crying to you ... not only do you want to be a good friend and not try anything in her time of need but you are to shy to let her know you are absolutly in love with her and it is tearing you apart

It seems to me that you've tried your best to get the bloke who has been flirting with you to stop, but as has been said, many men just don't get 'hints' - even ones women perceive to be highly strong! Just keep making it clear in an assertive, clear manner.

As for your boyfriend, if he won't be reasonable in conversation, email him or something and tell him that you have tried your damdest to stop this other bloke, and that you in no way led him on. If your boyfriend still refuses to accept this, just tell him to grow the fuck up. While I understand the motivations of jealousy, this kind (when you've done nothing) is immature and petty. If he has so much of a problem with it, why is he not taking it out on the bloke and not you?! Not that I am necessarily advocating that...! But it was the guy's fault and not yours :rolleyes:

i tried to ask him. he said that i was leading this guy on and that i somehow wanted something to happen.

i tried to reassure him that i'm not about to run off with someone else as i love him and i really don't give a damn about anyone else. fuck 'em all i say.

of course this doesn't seem to reassure him.
No offence but your boyfriend sounds like a dick. If he needs more reassurances than it seems he's prepared to take, then he's got insecurity issues that just ain't going away. And I'm speaking as someone who in their early 20s had insecurity issues that just wouldn't go away. Because I was a dick.

And for the record, women are just as bad as men on this front. I had a friend of my girlfriend's coming onto me for the better part of 6 months when I was 19. The annoying thing was she was quite hot, and in my drunker moments (especially after we'd argued) the temptation was very much there. But I didn't act on it mainly because I knew I was onto a good thing, and then because they worked together.

At the end of the day if we fancy someone we largely act on it, regardless. I know I have. It's a bitch when you get turned down but hey.... them's the breaks! Some people just don't know how to be told "You suck. Leave me alone."

at any rate, my bf accused me of leading this guy on when i did no such thing,

I have a thought on this, speaking as a boyfriend, but I'll get to this at the end.... In the meantime, allow me to illuminate other nonsensical boy-think.

i told stories that involved my bf, describing him as my bf in said stories,
Good! Any sensible boy would understand what was happening and back off. However, speaking as a man who has tried (somewhat successfully) to overcome boy-think, allow me to explain what he may be thinking. It is one of two things:

a) He tells himself that when you are talking about your boyfriend all the time, it is because you "need to remind yourself" to be good -- because you are tempted to cheat on and/or leave your boyfriend for this obnoxious friend. I know it doesn't make sense, but love-struck boys tell themselves these things. So he just encourages himself no matter what you do.

b) He has convinced himself that your boyfriend is a jerk (make sure you only tell good stories about your boyfriend, and use the word "love" a lot) -- and he has determined that he has to "save" you from said boyfriend. Again, he encourages himself no matter what you do.

i responded awkwardly to any compliments given,

"Responding awkwardly," unfortunately, probably tells him that his compliments make you nervous... which gives him power over you. You need to be very forceful -- guys just don't understand anything else. Next time he gives you a compliment that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him that you don't like it when he says things like that. I know this isn't easy, but it will make him embarrassed. You have to turn the tables on him. Make him feel guilty.

he attempted to tickle me and i came close to injuring him to get his hands the fuck away from me, he tried to kiss me one day [yes, ever after the boyfriend stories] and i jumped back three feet,

Unfortunately, guys are capable of interpreting almost anything as "playful." You need to say, as firmly as possible, "I don't like that, and I don't want you to touch me." Again, not easy, but worth it if it makes him stop.

since then i tried to avoid contact with him yet having the same circle of friends... yeah...

Be forceful here, too. Be willing to tell him off even in front of common friends. If you have to, next time you are with your friends and he shows up, just excuse yourself -- you can tell your friends either later or right then that you just can't stand being around the guy. This doesn't mean you have to give up your friends... Do this for a couple of weeks, and either he'll cool down or -- chances are -- your friends will give him signals that they don't appreciate his behavior either.

anyways, he tries to ask me out and i tell him outright (since he is obviously rather dense) that i have a boyfriend.

Unfortunately, this is not enough. (Boys are dumb.) If you want to stop, you must say the words, "Even if I did not have a boyfriend, I would not want to date you. I am not interested in that kind of relationship with you." (If you want, you can add, "I would like to be friends, but if you keep behaving like this you are going to make that impossible.")

You have to hurt him. Most girls don't like to do that, or they assume it is possible to get out of these situations without hurting anyone... but no matter what you do, rejections hurt. And you need to reject him. (That doesn't mean you have to be mean or insulting. Just honest and forceful.)

and at any rate, since then i have been avoiding him rather successfully...

Unfortunately, this rarely works unless you tell him why you are avoiding him.

and yet my bf still gets upset and acts as though i did something wrong here.

Okay... I promised some insight here.

Your boyfriend may be lashing out at you, and he may even be a little bit angry at you, but trust me -- he is not really angry with you. He is really angry at this other guy -- and you should probably appreciate the fact that he respects you enough not to go tearing in and getting all mad at your friend. He knows this is your decision -- which is why a little bit of his anger flows over onto you -- but he is really pissed at the guy.

Also, don't think he doesn't trust you. I am sure he doesn't believe you have any attraction to your friend, and he doesn't worry about you doing anything wrong. What he means when he says you "lead this guy on" is that he is pissed that this guy is hanging around with you thinking that he might get you to leave your boyfriend for him.

The problem is that your boyfriend understands the boy mind. You may be "only friends" with this other guy, but in his mind -- your friend's -- you are practically dating. (I know this makes no sense, but this is how guy's think.) Every time he is with you, he is thinking about how you are with him and not with your boyfriend, and every little thing you do he interprets as flirtatious. Your boyfriend knows this is not your fault... and he should feel guilty about taking his frustration out on you... but he would probably appreciate it if you were more forceful in rejecting this friend's advances. But only because he knows how your friend is interpreting your currect actions -- every boy does.

Say it firmly, and in front of al your mutual friends: "Stop. You know I have a boyfriend. I am not interested in dating anyone else. I am not going out with you, and you're annoying me."

I suggest avoiding physical violence; I've always been of the opinion women who raise their hands to men except in self-defense have to accept the consequences of their actions -- charges for assault, or getting hit back, or both.

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?

Men's IQ drops in half when they're around attractive women. It's a scientific fact.

Exception: if they are in a stable relationship, their IQ only drops when they're around their partner.

;)

3 of my freinds have exactly the same problem 2 of them have been going out for about 4 months now and love each other loads but this other boy keeps trying to flirt with the girl, he thinks her boyfreind is treating her mean and invents storys to convince himself he deserves the girl. abotu a week ago he got drunk and his hands did......'bad' things to her whe her boy freind wasn't there. he kept ringing her and asking her to ring him back which pissed her off but she dropped hints he didnt understand. Now the boyfreind is threatening to punch the guy in the face next time he comes onto the girl.

the point is it definatly wont go away in time and even telling him firmly might not work the best thing i think you can do is make out with your boyfreind and flirt wiht him while the other guy is around , it will make him feel really bad yea but its the only way he will learn you love your boy freind.

Join a cult, become a lesbian, reclaim your virginity in the name of womyn's empowerment, get a job as a truck driver, make your CB handle "snow job", buy a house with your new life partner and her 13 year old son.

If the guy doesn't leave you alone after that, have him shot in the face.

ROTFL!

No shit ... I sound just like you lol

I bet you were like me ... timid to ask out but always the "friend" relyed on when things go wrong in their relationships
dosent that just SUCK ... girl you absolutly love just hurt by some jerk and comes crying to you ... not only do you want to be a good friend and not try anything in her time of need but you are to shy to let her know you are absolutly in love with her and it is tearing you apart
sucks dont it?

None of you are nearly violent enough. There is a very simple solution to your problem. Next time he tries anything, preferably if some of your other friends around as witnesses, kick him in the balls. Quickest and easiest way to make your opinion known. At this point, he may stop thinking with his balls, at least if he has any sense of self preservation.

EDIT - This may not work if he's into sadomasochism.

Men can be dense. Love you guys dearly, :fluffle: but boy, oh boy, can you be dense! Hints don't often work on them the way we want them to.

The first problem was that your answer to his question of "will you go out with me?" was "I have a boyfriend." The correct answer is a simple "no". Qualifying your "no" with an "I have a boyfriend" will get you the immediate assumption that the only reason you won't go out with him, is that you currently have a boyfriend. That fact that you probably aren't engaged to your boyfriend will lead the other guy to believe that you aren't _totally_ attached, and that he has hope. (PLEASE don't take that as a reason to get married!!)

If that actually is the only reason you're not going out with this guy, then no wonder he's still hanging around! You see him as boyfriend material.
You're going to have to come up with the reasons why you are with your current boyfriend, and how this other guy doesn't fit your bill.

Saying "I have a boyfriend" may seem a great shorthand for all those things, but it really isn't.

The best answer is maybe, "No, I have a boyfriend, but even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I wouldn't go out with you."

what the hell?! why are men so infuriating?
Because, despite many, many years of PC harrangues, men still believe deep in our dark little hearts that a woman's "No" means "Maybe." :D