NationStates Jolt Archive

Come come, sit down boys and girls and tell old mal what troubles you... I
can fix them for an imaginary kiss (can't touch me damnit) on my nose. One kiss, no more, no less. Guarenteed to work or your kiss back. Hail Eris. All hail discordia.

Well mal i'm feeling pretty good- i've got a wife and three lovely children. A nice house by the riverside, a secure job and i'm pretty wealthy and intelligent. As well as being very attractive. Can you cure me. *Kiss*

Well mal i'm feeling pretty good- i've got a wife and three lovely children. A nice house by the riverside, a secure job and i'm pretty wealthy and intelligent. As well as being very attractive. Can you cure me. *Kiss*
Well trulin its probably been staring you in the face from day one: burn everything! Burn your wife, kids, house, and oh of course that pretty face. And you won't be so intelligent or wealthy when a police man shoots you in the head for being a crazy! Next!

Hey mal, i'm feeling pretty shitty- my dog died. Cure me please before i start crying like a little girly-man! *kiss*

Hey mal, i'm feeling pretty shitty- my dog died. Cure me please before i start crying like a little girly-man! *kiss*
Now this is a tricky one. What I think you should do is take your dead dogs remains and eat them. Then when you poop them out again you can put in in a little glass bottle and place it next to your bed with the little fella's name on it. You can now sleep with your dog by your side, and with some on him as a part of you. Hope that helps! Next!

I'm depressed that people are blind at some of their own faults, yet have such good vision at other peoples.

I'm depressed that people are blind at some of their own faults, yet have such good vision at other peoples.
Well zentia I would love to help you but I need a kiss before I can do that. Sorry!

Wel Mal, I'm feeling pretty alright. I'm having a good hair day. Although, I'm rather worried that it's 2am and yet I don't feel tired, in fact I seem to have a severe sleeping problem that greatly concerns me. Oh Elder Malaclypse what should I do? *kiss*

Wel Mal, I'm feeling pretty alright. I'm having a good hair day. Although, I'm rather worried that it's 2am and yet I don't feel tired, in fact I seem to have a severe sleeping problem that greatly concerns me. Oh Elder Malcalypse what should I do? *kiss*
Ah, well i think that you could do a couple of things-
a) Say "Brickworth" as many times as you can and you'll eventually fall asleep or
b) Think about sleeping as something that gives you cancer, then you won't want to.
Hope I helped!

Mal, I'm concerned that you're not the best person to give people uplifting advice, yet people are coming to you anyway. What's the solution? *kiss*

Mal, I'm concerned that you're not the best person to give people uplifting advice, yet people are coming to you anyway. What's the solution? *kiss*
I believe you should either:
a) Start another thread to rival my own with a wiser man and drive it ointo the ground or
b) Destroy me (which is nigh on impossible unfortuanatly)
Good luck! Next!

I normally wouldn't do it but *kiss*

I know that your secret is in the kisses we give out themselves :)

I'm depressed that people are blind at some of their own faults, yet have such good vision at other peoples.
I think I see the problem here. You obviously seem to be suffering from a mental illness called dementia. It is common in humans once they reach a certain age. What you should do at this stage is: go and live in somebody's garden for a while. This usually diminishes the effects slightly untill death. Hope I helped! Next!

I'm feeling sinister.
Should I go out and see a minister?
Or will he try in vain to take away the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever?
In that case, would I feel better if I stayed and played with myself?
*kiss*

I think I see the problem here. You obviously seem to be suffering from a mental illness called dementia. It is common in humans once they reach a certain age. What you should do at this stage is: go and live in somebody's garden for a while. This usually diminishes the effects slightly untill death. Hope I helped! Next!

He can borrow my garden.
Oh wait, I live there already.
I'll let him borrow my neighbor's garden then.

Only if there's nice flowers. Flowers are tasty.

Well, the great old kissing Mal, I'm concerned that my new school is even more dumb than my previous school, what should I do? :fluffle: *kiss*

I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about being laughed at by the mods* (behind the scenes, naturally). Should I leave NS, or is some sort of assassination attempt in order? *gets a random passby to kiss Mal on her behalf*


*as in, they are laughing at me currently, not that there's a possibility they might in the future... hrm, I make no sense at 3:30am

Hmm... I am afraid that the Great Mal in all his/her/it's magnificent mysticism has disappeared.

I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about being laughed at by the mods* (behind the scenes, naturally). Should I leave NS, or is some sort of assassination attempt in order? *gets a random passby to kiss Mal on her behalf*


*as in, they are laughing at me currently, not that there's a possibility they might in the future... hrm, I make no sense at 3:30am

Though I am not as powerful as the *great one*, I will try to answer your question, in an albeit, somewhat more heart warming format. For whatever reason they are laughing at you results from their own insecurities. Simply ignore them, or, if necessary, be spectacularrrrrr-ly nice to them, it will make them feel 10x worse than you do now, though they most likely won't show it.

Answer in the style of the *great one*, eat some spam, then if that doesn't make you feel better, puke in some individual gift wrap, place it on their porch and leave the name of one of their friends on the gift wrap.

Come come, sit down boys and girls and tell old mal what troubles you... I
can fix them for an imaginary kiss (can't touch me damnit) on my nose. One kiss, no more, no less. Guarenteed to work or your kiss back. Hail Eris. All hail discordia.


I feel really down because my boyfriend left me after a 3 years relationship for another boy. Then I tried to win him back, but failed. Now I'm at the point where I gave up on him, but feel sad and alone.

*kiss*

This better be worth it.

Hey Mal, I was really hoping to win the lottery this week. Can you help me?

*kiss*

Though I am not as powerful as the *great one*, I will try to answer your question, in an albeit, somewhat more heart warming format. For whatever reason they are laughing at you results from their own insecurities. Simply ignore them, or, if necessary, be spectacularrrrrr-ly nice to them, it will make them feel 10x worse than you do now, though they most likely won't show it.

Answer in the style of the *great one*, eat some spam, then if that doesn't make you feel better, puke in some individual gift wrap, place it on their porch and leave the name of one of their friends on the gift wrap.

I reject your answer. You are neither The Great One, nor The Great Bulbulas. And it's not a result from my insecurities, it's a result of me liking Myrth. Shows what you know :p

I'm feeling sinister.
Should I go out and see a minister?
Or will he try in vain to take away the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever?
In that case, would I feel better if I stayed and played with myself?
*kiss*
First of all no you should not seek a minister especially if you are feeling sinister, you may experience back problems if this occurs. Secondly (i'm aware that i've ignored the second thing you said: you shall know why soon) of course you should stay in and play with yourself. As a great man once said:
"Know Thyself" and to know thyself is to love thyself. End of story. Next!

Well, the great old kissing Mal, I'm concerned that my new school is even more dumb than my previous school, what should I do? :fluffle: *kiss*
I believe the answer here lies in you, and your quest for knowledge. If you cannot be educated there then you first obtain many great books with which to learn. Then i suggest you merely gloat at being intelletcually superior to your peers and presumably your teachers. You could, while the idiots are, say, playing football, construct a complicated piece of weaponary and use it against them. Then write a lenthly essay on the philosophy of good and evil, with reference to killing your idiot peers on a football pitch with a gun. Hope that helps! next!

I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about being laughed at by the mods* (behind the scenes, naturally). Should I leave NS, or is some sort of assassination attempt in order? *gets a random passby to kiss Mal on her behalf*


*as in, they are laughing at me currently, not that there's a possibility they might in the future... hrm, I make no sense at 3:30am
I suggest you first question these so called "mods" about their behaviour. Whatever the answer is, you must call to the great god Amus to take them into the sky to be judged. Then they will return and be satisfied with your answer and leave you alone. You can call Amus by chanting "ooba ooba" precisely fifteen times, then explain your situation. You must do this while facing a wall. Hope i helped. next!

Oh Mal, should I continue to help Torching Witches in his/her quest to be the second coming, or should I eat pie. Oh, and can you tell me how to work out the gender of everyone on this forum *kiss*

I feel really down because my boyfriend left me after a 3 years relationship for another boy. Then I tried to win him back, but failed. Now I'm at the point where I gave up on him, but feel sad and alone.

*kiss*

This better be worth it.
Humans spend their entire lives find what they call "love" and many never do. This is a sad fact but is true. I believe you are what the love god Forus describes as "Wibbly". This, directly translated means that you suffer as you have lost, but you know not what love you seek yet. So this is again a case of "know thyself". Ask yourself, are you completly comfortable and at one with yourself? To paraphrase a hairy man, do you whistle while you urinate? You're mind cannot be in two places at once. Hope i helped! Next!

Hey Mal, I was really hoping to win the lottery this week. Can you help me?

*kiss*
Well this one is just simple math, find out this weeks chances of winning the lottery from a reliable source. For example 4 million to 1. Then buy 4 million lottery tickets. And one for good measure. Simple! Next!

I'm feeling awesome today. But, quick question: What is the greatest Jimi Hendrix song? I'd kiss...but my girlfriend might beat me with a cardboard box.

*sneaks a quick kiss by*

Lately, I have been feeling a bit inauthentic , am I going to disappear when my dog wakes up?

*kiss*

Oh Mal, should I continue to help Torching Witches in his/her quest to be the second coming, or should I eat pie. Oh, and can you tell me how to work out the gender of everyone on this forum *kiss*
1. My advice is to first eat pie, because pie is important, not only to us but to everyone. It is a force that helps keep us, as a race, progressing. On the matter of TW i should warn you that i do myself know the second, and when He does come an avalanche so huge that even i cannot bear to look at it appears. So i tend to stay away.
2. The gender of everyone is female. Except the males. Hope that helped! Next!

I'm feeling awesome today. But, quick question: What is the greatest Jimi Hendrix song? I'd kiss...but my girlfriend might beat me with a cardboard box.

*sneaks a quick kiss by*
"If 6 Was 9" for purely erisian reasons.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit inauthentic , am I going to disappear when my dog wakes up?

*kiss*
Who can say? My thoughts are that if you feel inauthentic then go east and watch some creatures roam. That did it for me after the first few years when you just go crazy. Its good to watch something natural happening. But if your dog does wake up then you must ask yourself, was it tired in the first place? Or was it pretetending to sleep so you would feel free to do whatever you want while it sat and listened to the noises you made. I think a dose of human happiness could cheer you up, with a small amount of realism.

"If 6 Was 9" for purely erisian reasons.

Ah! Great, someone who doesn't answer with Purple Haze. I bow before The Mal. :)

Danke

Danke

Bitte.

One piece of advice i can give to you for free is this: you live in a world where most feel undermined and unnessacary, whether they are aware of it or not as the world they "live" in is, they believe, gorverned by the heirachy. But remember this: You are free.

One piece of advice i can give to you for free is this: you live in a world where most feel undermined and unnessacary, whether they are aware of it or not as the world they "live" in is, they believe, gorverned by the heirachy. But remember this: You are free.
Yay!

One piece of advice i can give to you for free is this: you live in a world where most feel undermined and unnessacary, whether they are aware of it or not as the world they "live" in is, they believe, gorverned by the heirachy. But remember this: You are free.

Sure you don't mean 'cheap'?

...

I kid, I kid! ^.^

Hey Mal, I've been kinda depressed lately, because Uni's starting soon again and I've felt like I haven't had a decent holiday, because I've been spending most of my time working.

Any idea's to cheer me up?

*Kiss*

Hey Mal, I've been kinda depressed lately, because Uni's starting soon again and I've felt like I haven't had a decent holiday, because I've been spending most of my time working.

Any idea's to cheer me up?

*Kiss*
I suggest you find a good book, but don't read it for a few days: keep yourself in suspense. Then read a few pages in your spare time. Stop for a few days then keep reading and repeat. You'll be living life on the edge as well as being able to describe it as a "barrel of laughs" Hope i helped! Next!

Sure you don't mean 'cheap'?

...

I kid, I kid! ^.^
Humour is why humans are above all other life forms. (Execpt dolphins)

Oh wise and wonderful Mal,

I'm getting ready to go to the laundry to wash the slipcovers from my couches. They're too heavy for my W&D, but I do so hate using washing machines that have probably had dirty diapers in them. What should I do to overcome my distaste (other than adding a cup of disinfectant)?

*Kiss*

Humour is why humans are above all other life forms. (Execpt dolphins)
...and mice

Oh wise and wonderful Mal,

I'm getting ready to go to the laundry to wash the slipcovers from my couches. They're too heavy for my W&D, but I do so hate using washing machines that have probably had dirty diapers in them. What should I do to overcome my distaste (other than adding a cup of disinfectant)?

*Kiss*

I suggest you throw the whole dang thing away and clean it like a cat. It gives it a more personal touch/gleam. Hope I helped! Next!

...and mice

Cultural Reference check: Illuminatus! trilogy not hitchhikers. Although mice are most definatly above most other animals as they are the only rodent who can fly and make tea at the same time.

I have a horrible child living in my brain. Can you help?

*Kiss*

I have a horrible child living in my brain. Can you help?

*Kiss*

I suggest you start rubbing your head profusely, this should confuse the child, therefore rendering it temporarily um, un-horrible. Hope i helped! Next!

Is there an easy way to get rid of all problems without losing your own life?
*cough**kiss**snort*

Help, I have accidentally drunk 32 bottles of champagne which was for my brothers wedding. I have tried re-bottling it when it comes out, but it dosen't have the same zing to it. I have tried buying, well stealing more but its not looking good. I have tried Delia's recepies for adding zing but they don't work, what should i do?

*mwah*

I feel like... killing you. Is that bad? *Raises an eyebrow*

Is there an easy way to get rid of all problems without losing your own life?
*cough**kiss**snort*
No. Hope i helped! next!

Help, I have accidentally drunk 32 bottles of champagne which was for my brothers wedding. I have tried re-bottling it when it comes out, but it dosen't have the same zing to it. I have tried buying, well stealing more but its not looking good. I have tried Delia's recepies for adding zing but they don't work, what should i do?

*mwah*
Im not sure if thats a kiss but close enough. I suggest that you either:

1. Dont go to the wedding and claim you had leprosy. Or
2. Eat your brother, kills two problems: The champagne one and the hungry one. Hmm hungry problem. Why! Why must we be animals! Hope i helped! Next!

I feel like... killing you. Is that bad? *Raises an eyebrow*
No kiss, no answer.

No kiss, no answer.

I wasn't aware a kiss was required, I was wondering about all the kissing going on however...

Anywho...

*kisses his own hand*

Or perhaps a kiss of death? Which would satisfy your request and my urge all at once.

I feel like... killing you. Is that bad? *Raises an eyebrow*
Well, this is a tricky one which may have came up before. Well its pretty difficult to kill me as i have been transcendentally illuminated, difficult but not impossible. Although i think you might want to just go and lie down. Hope i helped! Next!

...i have been transcendentally illuminated...

You too? The process isn't much fun, but the rewards are staggering.

You too? The process isn't much fun, but the rewards are staggering.
Yeah well you kind of forget about the deaths of thousands for your own selfish needs right about the time you realise that one of those people were really you and That. Is. What. Death. Is. Or not, i'm easy.

Yeah well you kind of forget about the deaths of thousands for your own selfish needs right about the time you realise that one of those people were really you and That. Is. What. Death. Is. Or not, i'm easy.

Being ever the irrational pacifist that part bothered me, but like I say, the reward is staggering, the amount of good someone with this much power can do is amazing, if that one is willing to ignore the fact that all good is bad by definition. Complete non-interference never sat well with me, I enjoy fucking up the world as much as I can while trying desperately to do good.

Being ever the irrational pacifist that part bothered me, but like I say, the reward is staggering, the amount of good someone with this much power can do is amazing, if that one is willing to ignore the fact that all good is bad by definition. Complete non-interference never sat well with me, I enjoy fucking up the world as much as I can while trying desperately to do good.

Well, to each his own.

Mal, why am i so stupid?

Mal, why am i so stupid?
Kiss?

I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us. I remember those cheers, they still ring in my ears and for years they remain in my thoughts. 'Cause one night I took of my robe and, what'd I do?, I forgot to where shorts. I recall every fall, every hook, every jab, the worst way a guy can get rid of his flab. As you know my life was a jab, Though I'd rather hear you cheer when I delve into Shakespeare "A horse, A horse. My kingdom for a horse" I haven't had a winner in six months. And though I'm no Olivier, If he fought Sugar Ray he would say it the thing ain't the ring, its the play. So give me a stage, Where this Bull here could rage, And though I could fight I'd much rather recite: That's Entertainment.

I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us. I remember those cheers, they still ring in my ears and for years they remain in my thoughts. 'Cause one night I took of my robe and, what'd I do?, I forgot to where shorts. I recall every fall, every hook, every jab, the worst way a guy can get rid of his flab. As you know my life was a jab, Though I'd rather hear you cheer when I delve into Shakespeare "A horse, A horse. My kingdom for a horse" I haven't had a winner in six months. And though I'm no Olivier, If he fought Sugar Ray he would say it the thing ain't the ring, its the play. So give me a stage, Where this Bull here could rage, And though I could fight I'd much rather recite: That's Entertainment.
How many times? No kiss, no cure.

How many times? No kiss, no cure.
Mal, tell me how it is possible for my friend to become a giant moth using Nuclear radiation *big sloppy wet one. kiss, that is. and maybe more ^_^*

Mal, tell me how it is possible for my friend to become a giant moth using Nuclear radiation *big sloppy wet one. kiss, that is. and maybe more ^_^*
"Nuclear radiation" is just another name for "transmogrification jelly" silly.