NationStates Jolt Archive

It may sound kind of strange, but the single most influential event in my life was probably a dream I once had. I don’t mean some aspiration or plan I had, but an honest to goodness, while I was sleeping, nocturnal vision in the head, dream. It has been a source of contemplation of mine for the last quarter century. It has affected or shaped my attitudes and beliefs that impact most aspects of my life. My beliefs on everything from love to parapsychology and the power of the human mind have their roots in that single nights fleeting vision. The whole content of the dream has faded from my memory, it really wasn’t that important. I thought the event unique and worth noting at the time but didn’t recognize the significance or the lasting impact it would have. I remember that it involved bowling and chucking the ball into other lanes among the myriad of images. But, as I said before, the exact content is unimportant. What was significant is that the dream wasn’t mine alone.

I was involved in the first serious relationship of my life. We had been lovers for a couple of years, but I was young and reluctant to commit. I had nothing to compare with this relationship, I guess was so afraid of missing some opportunity that I didn’t recognize what I had. I let her slip away too many years ago, before I realized the significance of the events of that night. We had fallen asleep in each other’s arms much like we had on so many other nights. But that night I dreamed. Nonsense images that stuck in my mind after I woke. That in itself was strange because I don’t usually remember my dreams. When I began to share what I remembered with my lover as we still lay in bed, she told me she also dreamed that night and began to relate some of the same images that had wound their way though my head. She mentioned some of the most unusual, the bowling and tossing the balls into the wrong alleys (neither of us were bowlers), before I said anything about those peculiar aspects of my vision. I realized that while we lay entwined in each other’s arms that night we had both dreamt the same dream.

Or at least similar dreams. How do you judge such things? Dreams are so elusive, I have a hard enough time trying to find the words to express what flashed through my own head, how do you compare those with the images someone else relates to you? There is no way to confirm our dreams were one, but it was clear to me that there was some definite connection between what we each experienced that night. There is no question in my mind that we both entertained at least some of the same imagery in our subconscious. It has taken me years to contemplate the possibilities opened that one night. Was this a glimpse into the potential of the human mind? They say the dreaming mind has access to untapped potential the waking mind doesn’t. Did we both access some higher plane? Did one or both of us have some sort of ESP or latent psychic ability? Were we both acted upon by some outside influence? I’ve considered all of these possibilities as well as others. The ramifications of such an event have never been far from my mind since that night.

It sparked my interest in metaphysics and parapsychology. I sought out explanations and theories on the potential of the human mind, on latent abilities and extraordinary phenomena. I became familiar with such things as Leary’s eight-circuit model of the human mind, the principles of neuro programming and numerous theories on unlocking the untapped powers of our minds. I devoured every text I could find on such subjects. I experimented with drugs and meditation and other paths to unlock our potential. I have no regrets in any of these, and like to believe that I’m somewhat a more whole person because of my search. But there was a deeper, more unsettling ghost of that night that kept whispering in my ear. The question of whether that experience was possible because of the sum of the two of us rather than the potential of either of us. What if this was a sign of the potential of Love?

I’ve tried not to acknowledge the impact that one night had on my perception of love. Or the obvious possibilities in the area of love and romance that have haunted me since that night. Kind of in self-defense I guess, to ward off the dismay and melancholy that seems to seep in when I face that aspect. In truth it has set an unrealistic standard for every relationship I’ve had since. Because I just can’t convince myself that maybe, just maybe, that night happened because there was something special, unique between the two of us. That maybe we had stumbled by accident to that place dreamt about by poets and romantics throughout the ages. Maybe that night was possible because our connection to each other had become spiritual as well as physical. My definition of love has unintentionally come to be a connection where such things as sharing dreams are not just possible but commonplace.

It’s an impossible standard. Even if I consciously know that, my subconscious eats away at the back of my mind with this idealized version of the spiritual, psychic connection that night seemed to hint was possible. I seem to sabotage every relationship by comparing it to this standard that seems almost mythical even to me. Maybe I’ve distorted the memory over time, tempered it with my own remorse for letting this intense relationship end. It doesn’t help that this woman was my equal in intellect, spirit and imagination, something I’ve yet to encounter since. Or that the physical aspect of the relationship was the most intense I’ve ever had, even decades later. The possibility that the mental or spiritual connection was made because these other factors were so intense or high has also crossed my mind. My life seems to be ruled by this unknown. I caught a glimpse of a potential that I find myself striving to recapture, without even knowing if it was real.

Who am I kidding? It was real, as real as anything else in my memory. As real as anything else that has sculpted my being or scarred my soul over the years. And I guess that’s the real truth. This dream effected me so because the wound it left has scarred me so deeply. The conflicting emotions that are attached to it overwhelm me even as I write these words. I bask in the bittersweet knowledge that I may have found that ultimate connection to another that has eluded so many over the eons. And then I fall into the black despair of the realization that I foolishly let it slip away.

The Eclectic Collection of Loose Shoes is a puppet nation of a seasoned but lesser known denizen of the general forum. It was created and nurtured for the sole purpose of posting essays, the “loose shoes” that clutter my mind. Some of these are of a highly personal nature and anonymity seems to be the best course in airing these out. I hope these promote thought, even if they don’t inspire debate. If you like what you read - if it makes you think, even a little, show a little love and give me a bump. Feel free to comment, but don’t expect a reply. This nation will only post my essays, not discuss them.

Is this essay real life or fiction?

Uh...you could just do it all in one post...

Uh...you could just do it all in one post...That's what I thought, but then I usually don't take time to read long posts. This one had me hooked before I realized how long it was. Maybe that's what he had in mind.

Anyways, Bump - Nice post(s)

Holy synchronicity Jung!

Something I wrote this morning for a blog because I woke up with it in my head:

Too often people view each other merely as masturbatory tools, neither seeking nor finding any connection with their sexual partners. Sex can be more than a means to a more satisfying orgasm, but the greatest parts of sex are mostly ignored in favor of that one moment when we can feel how close our immortality is. Of course, in our masochism and hubris we contain that immortality, thinking the passing sensation to be the reward rather than the marker, an call it "bliss." The orgasm is just a sign-post, your body's way of saying "keep doing this" in the same way that pain says "stop doing this." When humanity learns to read the signs our ancestors have left for us in our DNA we will have achieved a great thing. The full rewards offered by the union of opposites, one and two, male and female, are the same as those offered by congress with the divine. Through each other can we become as the divine if only we can realize how.

Bump

Holy synchronicity Jung!

Something I wrote this morning for a blog because I woke up with it in my head:

Too often people view each other merely as masturbatory tools, neither seeking nor finding any connection with their sexual partners. Sex can be more than a means to a more satisfying orgasm, but the greatest parts of sex are mostly ignored in favor of that one moment when we can feel how close our immortality is. Of course, in our masochism and hubris we contain that immortality, thinking the passing sensation to be the reward rather than the marker, an call it "bliss." The orgasm is just a sign-post, your body's way of saying "keep doing this" in the same way that pain says "stop doing this." When humanity learns to read the signs our ancestors have left for us in our DNA we will have achieved a great thing. The full rewards offered by the union of opposites, one and two, male and female, are the same as those offered by congress with the divine. Through each other can we become as the divine if only we can realize how.
That's fucking fantastic.

That's fucking fantastic.

Why thank you.

Uh...you could just do it all in one post...

Yeah , I probably wouldn't had read it in its entireity if it had been lumped into one post.

Bump

Classic Nationstates, it's why I love this place. A unique profound post (good job Loose shoes) that ends with a disclaimerFeel free to comment, but don’t expect a reply. This nation will only post my essays, not discuss them.
And then of course the first post afterwards.....
Is this essay real life or fiction?
:p He asks the guy who just said he won't discuss it a question.

Classic.

whoa, deeper than I was expecting
I don't post much myself but anyone who'll spend a year grooming a nation (assuming that the jan 2004 start date isn't some typo) before posting with it deserves this.

Bump

bump

hell ya, Bump.

:headbang: after reading Johnny Wadds post's for the last hour this is golden

bump

Someone told me about this story and I had to look it up. bumpworthy

er, bump, i guess.

when's the next installment coming in?

Fascinating, truly fascinating.

er, bump, i guess.

when's the next installment coming in?
Good question. Dunno if it's RL or fantasy, some friends were argueing that point and I had to read what they were talking about.

Good question. Dunno if it's RL or fantasy, some friends were argueing that point and I had to read what they were talking about.

At the risk of raising suspicion of being the owner of Loose Shoes, it is real, and to the question of when more are coming, we can't be sure, but there are more coming some time.

Holy synchronicity Jung!

Something I wrote this morning for a blog because I woke up with it in my head:

Too often people view each other merely as masturbatory tools, neither seeking nor finding any connection with their sexual partners. Sex can be more than a means to a more satisfying orgasm, but the greatest parts of sex are mostly ignored in favor of that one moment when we can feel how close our immortality is. Of course, in our masochism and hubris we contain that immortality, thinking the passing sensation to be the reward rather than the marker, an call it "bliss." The orgasm is just a sign-post, your body's way of saying "keep doing this" in the same way that pain says "stop doing this." When humanity learns to read the signs our ancestors have left for us in our DNA we will have achieved a great thing. The full rewards offered by the union of opposites, one and two, male and female, are the same as those offered by congress with the divine. Through each other can we become as the divine if only we can realize how.
Excellent. How very Tantric of you. :)

Excellent. How very Tantric of you. :)Hey!

That's my line. :(

I'm filing a grievance with the union. :p

Hey!

That's my line. :(

I'm filing a grievance with the union. :p

Hahahahah.

Bump

That was a great essay, very moving. I think it reminds us that there could be a whole lot more to what we have than we think, and that we have to push past our fear to discover if that goodness exists. I've never had that sort of connection with anyone, and just reading about it will probably give anyone i am ever with a lot to live up to, because i want that. I think most of us do in the end. I know it's hard thinking you let your soulmate, your true match in this cosmic existence go, but the fact that you even had that connection at all is a pretty miraculous thing, even if you didn't realize it until later.

Our Earth, yours was a wonderful post too, and i agree with you completely. You just said it a hell of a lot more beautifully than i ever could, and i'm a writer...lol.

Our Earth, yours was a wonderful post too, and i agree with you completely. You just said it a hell of a lot more beautifully than i ever could, and i'm a writer...lol.

Thanks, now if only I could write like that when I sit down and try to do it, instead of just when I wake up with something in my head.

i think that every single thing that has ever happened to us, even things we cant remember have an impact on our decisions... kinda scary when you think about it, like if one thing was different you could be a very different person, thats why i think time travel could never work... Bump