NationStates Jolt Archive

Taoism
Shit Happens
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things
generously and is without strife.

Confucianism
Confucius say "Shit Happens"

Buddhism

If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit.

Zen
Shit only Happens when it does not Happen.
Shit is, and is not.
What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism
This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again).

Islam
If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
If shit happens, blame Israel.
We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam
If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!

Protestant
Let Shit Happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholic
If Shit Happens, you deserve it!
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholic
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Presbyterian
This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine
with it.
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Methodist
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice
with it.

Congregationalist and Unitarian
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens
to another.

Lutheran
If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Have faith that shit will happen.

Fundamentalism
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again(Amen!
Shit must be born again.

Conservative Judaism
Why does Shit always happen to us?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism
So shit happens, already!

Atheism
Shit Happens for no apparent reason.
No shit.
What shit?
I can't believe this shit!

Agnostic
I think Shit Happens.
Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not.
Did someone shit?
What is this shit?
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
sure whether its shit or not.
Baptist
I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!)
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shi'ite Baptist
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it
doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's
will and we know it...

Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism
No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism
God made all shit.

Televangelism
Send more shit.
If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.

Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.

Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.
Shit happening is all in your mind.

Quakers
Let us not fight over this shit.

Unitarianism
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

Utopianism
This shit does not stink at all.

Darwinism
This shit was once food.
Survival of the shittiest.

Capitalism
That's my shit.

Communism
Let's share this shit.

Feminism
Men are shit.
This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Chauvinism
We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism
Let's package this shit.

Impressionism
From a distance, this shit looks like a garden.

Idolism
Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen, shit IS.
What is shit, anyway?

Stoicism
This shit doesn't bother me.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormons
If shit happens, the Church gets 10%
God sent us this shit.
This shit is going to happen again.
Hey, there's more shit over here!

Scientology
If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157.
Feces occurs.

Jehovah's Witness
Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens.
May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall
survive its happening.
Knock, knock. Shit happens.
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Hare Krishna
ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens...
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.

Paganism
If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold.

Stoics
This shit doesn't bother me.

Moon-ism[b]
Only really happy shit happens.

[b]Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half of the time.

Practical
Deal with shit one day at a time.

Satanism
SNEPPAH TIHS.

Nihilism
No shit.
We are the shit.

New Age
This shit has an aura.
This shit is all ONE shit.
Shit came to me in a vision...
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honour it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Astrology
If shit happens, blame Saturn.
Shit is written in the stars.

Wiccan
An it harm none, let shit happen.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.

O_O Did you write that all yourself, or copy it from someplace? Either way, it's horrible taste in humor.

O_O Did you write that all yourself, or copy it from someplace? Either way, it's horrible taste in humor.

Copied. with some editing.

O_O Did you write that all yourself, or copy it from someplace? Either way, it's horrible taste in humor.


Hey!!! It's funny and some of it is true.

Southparkism:
If shit happens, Blame Canada!

"The World According to Shit."

LG ... you're a hoot, dude! LOL! :D

Southparkism:
If shit happens, Blame Canada!
Take off, eh? Beauty, eh? :D

Take off, eh? Beauty, eh? :D

awww, get owt you hoser :D

bwah ha loved it loved it. Very true stuff.

Funniest thing I've read in a while!

Very funny… if a little ‘shitty’.

Ahh!! Very funny! Of course it's going to be offensive when whatever you are is mentioned, I know I was offended...but it's still really funny!!!

Seen this before. Still somewhat funny.

O_O Did you write that all yourself, or copy it from someplace? Either way, it's horrible taste in humor.

Thats not very nice.

Parts of that are sooooooo true :D

I like it, especially the rastafarian one.

That's some good shit.

Most of those are on a tshirt my dad has :P

One a related note I once wrote an entire song (20 or so verses) entitled "Drop The Kids Off At The Pool". It was a country and western style song about differing attitudes towards number 2s across the world. One of the few verses I remember was when it related to philosophers:

Plato's always had perfect form,
Ayn Rand does it when she can.
Hume did it with a passion,
Descartes said "I shit therefore I am."



Peurile, moi?

fucking hilarious, and so true. *pokes it* Hey, Wicca's in there...and right for a change...yay!!

O_O Did you write that all yourself, or copy it from someplace? Either way, it's horrible taste in humor.
indeed.

You know your shit! :p

Some good ones left out:

Twelve Step:
Shit happens one day at a time.

Mysticism:
This is really weird shit.

Einsteinism:
Shit is Relative.

Rastafarianism:
Hey, this is good shit, mon.

Scientology:
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough.
This Shit is expensive.

One of many "Canonical" shit lists (http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/humor/0286.html)

Some of it is incredibly true. The muslim ones aren't entirely accurate but oh well. The Taoism one is incredibly true. But I espicially liked the Satanism SNEPPAH TIHS

One you could add for Taoism: "There are subtle differences in this shit" :D

Most of those are on a tshirt my dad has :P

Many. Not most. That's the most complete list I've ever come across. It even offers multiples for some categories!

Taoism
Shit Happens
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things
generously and is without strife.

Confucianism
Confucius say "Shit Happens"

Buddhism

If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit.

Zen
Shit only Happens when it does not Happen.
Shit is, and is not.
What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism
This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again).

Islam
If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
If shit happens, blame Israel.
We don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam
If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit!
Shiite happens.

Shi'ite Islam
WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
If shit happens, take a hostage.

Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!

Protestant
Let Shit Happen to someone else!
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!

Catholic
If Shit Happens, you deserve it!
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Charismatic Catholic
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Presbyterian
This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine
with it.
If shit happens, hold a procession.
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Methodist
It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice
with it.

Congregationalist and Unitarian
Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens
to another.

Lutheran
If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Have faith that shit will happen.

Fundamentalism
If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again(Amen!
Shit must be born again.

Conservative Judaism
Why does Shit always happen to us?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
Shit happens to whom it may concern.

Orthodox Judaism
So shit happens, already!

Atheism
Shit Happens for no apparent reason.
No shit.
What shit?
I can't believe this shit!

Agnostic
I think Shit Happens.
Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not.
Did someone shit?
What is this shit?
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
sure whether its shit or not.
Baptist
I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!)
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Shi'ite Baptist
Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it
doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's
will and we know it...

Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism
No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism
God made all shit.

Televangelism
Send more shit.
If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening...

Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.

Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.

Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray.
Shit happening is all in your mind.

Quakers
Let us not fight over this shit.

Unitarianism
Come let us reason together about this shit.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

Utopianism
This shit does not stink at all.

Darwinism
This shit was once food.
Survival of the shittiest.

Capitalism
That's my shit.

Communism
Let's share this shit.

Feminism
Men are shit.
This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!

Chauvinism
We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism
Let's package this shit.

Impressionism
From a distance, this shit looks like a garden.

Idolism
Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen, shit IS.
What is shit, anyway?

Stoicism
This shit doesn't bother me.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormons
If shit happens, the Church gets 10%
God sent us this shit.
This shit is going to happen again.
Hey, there's more shit over here!

Scientology
If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157.
Feces occurs.

Jehovah's Witness
Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens.
May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall
survive its happening.
Knock, knock. Shit happens.
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Open the door and I'll show you what shit is.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.

Hare Krishna
ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens...
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.

Paganism
If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold.

Stoics
This shit doesn't bother me.

Moon-ism[b]
Only really happy shit happens.

[b]Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half of the time.

Practical
Deal with shit one day at a time.

Satanism
SNEPPAH TIHS.

Nihilism
No shit.
We are the shit.

New Age
This shit has an aura.
This shit is all ONE shit.
Shit came to me in a vision...
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honour it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Astrology
If shit happens, blame Saturn.
Shit is written in the stars.

Wiccan
An it harm none, let shit happen.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.


My dad has that poster, but I don't remember it being so long.

You rock, goofballs... You rock..

:D:D

I mean... you shit.. yeah that's it.. you shit.

Who is Jack Schitt?
http://www.kls2.com/~karl/random/KnowJackSchitt.swf

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Who is Jack Schitt?
http://www.kls2.com/~karl/random/KnowJackSchitt.swf

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

That's some crazy schitt! :)