NationStates Jolt Archive

This is a rough-draft statement... I know I have some things to iron out, but I want to know what you guys think of it...

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"Ah-ben?" the substitute teacher called out. "Is that how you say it?"
"Yes, it is" I answered, although my name is actually pronounced like 'attic', or 'Abbey'. It's a name that's been complemented for its uniqueness, ridiculed, and sometimes, simply squinted at in confusion. Some people nail it the first time, others need a bit of an explanation before they get it, while still others never do. To this day, I am known by one adult, as Abbot. To those who know me, however, the name comes effortlessly, even if it takes time at first. When I told the substitute again, the next week, that my name was 'Peter' (my middle name, because it was more recognizable, I explained) my peers were doing their best to hold in their laughter. I however, had mastered the dead pan tone a few weeks earlier, when I gave the ordering name for a pizza: Senoir Batchelor Hommes. Then, my friends' efforts at innocent silence were unsuccessful..

I have a sharp and unique double-sided personality: a deathly serious intellectual on one side and a hilarious imaginative child on the other. Taken as a whole, it looks like some blended shade of grey, which projects the fighting balance between these two completley unlike but interwoven sides, I would not try to address by anything other than my first name.

By simply calling it a shade of gray however, as many do, and not a sum of distinct blacks and whites, one could be left with a limited understanding of who I am, and taken completley by surprise by the way I act. More than one person has said to me: "Abben, you are the most random person I've ever met." And I am not completley unfond of this statement, for it suggests that I might be doing something right, perhaps like an awakening spark to a boiling frog, who can't detect its own slippage into monotony. Frogs, to clarify, are unable to detect subtle changes in temperature, and because of this it is possible to place them in a pan of room temperature water and slowly bring it to a boil, during which time the frog will remain content and unmoved until boiled to its death. Similarly, it seems that people, as they become adults, can continue on in their lives unflinchingly as their own childhood dreams and once-monumental self expectations erode from under them. And if you were to reverse Ghandi's quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world" you get what I have spent a significant amount of time pursuing - writings, music, projects and friends which provoke in myself new dreams and new ideas, to see in the world ways I can change myself. If anything, becoming an adult is about gaining on the inspiration and dreams that drove you as a child, rather than 'waking up' from them or 'maturing' out of them.

Those that can get at the interwoven patterns, are the ones that become my closest friends. I beleive that understanding is one of the central pillars making friendship possible - that alongside memorable experiences. I also beleive that those two breed each other, and that this connection quite possibly extends over all landscapes of knowledge, except in place of 'friendship' I would inject the word 'passion', a word more fitting for the results of an in-depth understanding and experiencing of art, philosophy, or science. That you can take a lesson from one field or one experience and apply it to another, seems to suggest a system of universal logic that is not exclusive to any one field of study. And perhaps we can newly reveal intricate universals and learn, from our observations of them, of life in general. Perhaps it's true that people unknowingly reveal their impressions of a person, through something about them which is quite arbitrary, such as a name. If true, different people would compliment you for your name, while others would ridicule it, and others still would say they just didn't understand it. If true, than my first paragraph would serve not only as a metaphor, but also as a revealing peice of psychology. Perhaps when people are trying to identify me, there is something in the way the name is said that represents their thoughts or understanding of me.

While I can't yet say I would put all my eggs in this basket as an ultimate philosophical truth, I can confidently say that the pursuit of answers to this question and others, is one of a rare few things I have found that continues to provide an invigorating rush, and that through understanding and experience I can continue to press ever harder torward an answer, if any exists, as to how I should best live and enjoy life. However I wouldn't be surprised that if, at the end, everything I did was just one large metaphor, and that the answer was the search itself.

the last paragraphs are a total bore combared the first ones about your name Don't tell them what you mean, show them! And not with a dead frog. You say your a good friend, then talk about a relationship you've had with good friend, describe that.

This is a rough-draft statement... I know I have some things to iron out, but I want to know what you guys think of it...

I think I can add a few comments. I tutor pre-law students at my university in preparation for the LSAT, and part of my job is to help them prepare their personal statements. (Of course, I seem to remember undergraduate essays having somewhat different requirements, such as a specific topic. Did this school propose a topic, or did you choose one?)

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"Ah-ben?" the substitute teacher called out. "Is that how you say it?"
"Yes, it is" I answered, although my name is actually pronounced like 'attic', or 'Abbey'.

Why are you telling them that you allow people to distort your name? Your statement should demonstrate your confidence and resilience. I am not sure that showing how you back down to others' butchery of your name reflects on you. (And I have personal experience in this arena. My name is Elric, and I have heard everything from "Elroy" to "Elwood" and -- believe it or not -- even "Albert"!) This is not necessarily bad, of course -- but if you are going to keep it you might want to give it a bit more "spin" to have it show, perhaps, that you are accomodating (rather than weak).

It's a name that's been complemented for its uniqueness, ridiculed, and sometimes, simply squinted at in confusion.

Make sure that in your final draft you eliminate all contractions, such as "it's" for "it is" and "that's" for "that is." This is a formal essay, and should conform to academic writing standards.

Some people nail it the first time, others need a bit of an explanation before they get it, while still others never do. To this day, I am known by one adult, as Abbot. To those who know me, however, the name comes effortlessly, even if it takes time at first. When I told the substitute again, the next week, that my name was 'Peter' (my middle name, because it was more recognizable, I explained) my peers were doing their best to hold in their laughter.

What are we supposed to learn about you from this passage?

I however, had mastered the dead pan tone a few weeks earlier, when I gave the ordering name for a pizza: Senoir Batchelor Hommes. Then, my friends' efforts at innocent silence were unsuccessful..

I would seriously consider removing this passage. While I can see that you want to portray yourself as fun-loving and free-spirited, this comes across as juvenile -- and potentially insulting to a particular ethnic background. Definitely dangerous material for a college essay!

I have a sharp and unique double-sided personality: a deathly serious intellectual on one side and a hilarious imaginative child on the other.

Consider revising. While I see what you are going for, the combination of "deathly" seriousness with the personality of a "child" does not exactly scream maturity. Try replacing "double-sided" (which sounds mildly neurotic) with "complex," or something to that effect.

Taken as a whole, it looks like some blended shade of grey,

Do you really want to describe yourself as "grey"? You could achieve a similarly "poetic" description by discussing "contrasting colors" of your personality -- giving no reason to assume that your "colors" are merely "black and white." Certainly your "fun" side might be more colorful, yes?

which projects the fighting balance between these two completley unlike but interwoven sides,

This entire approach gives the impression that you are conflicted rather than complex. And why do you consider these sides "completely unlike"? It would demonstrate great maturity and good humor, I think, to point out that the serious intellectual is a free-thinker and even playful. These strike me as different sides of the same coin.

I would not try to address by anything other than my first name.

Your meaning is unclear. Are you going for something that suggests your personality is "as unique" as your name?

By simply calling it a shade of gray however, as many do, and not a sum of distinct blacks and whites, one could be left with a limited understanding of who I am,

Okay... but again, why black and white and not, say, a "rainbow"? Also, you make it sound as if you alone are composed of different colors... Perhaps you could mention that the experience of being misunderstood has led you to "look for the colors in everyone." Remember, you want to show intellectual maturity and confidence, but not hubris.

and taken completley by surprise by the way I act. More than one person has said to me: "Abben, you are the most random person I've ever met."

Consider your audience. Do you want to tell an admissions committee that "the way you act" is completely surprising, or that you are a "random" person? I see what you are going for, but be careful to let them know that you will be a serious student with consistent goals and motivation. Think about a substitution that uses some notion of "freedom" rather than "randomness." Free-thinking looks good... "randomness" not as much.

And I am not completley unfond of this statement, for it suggests that I might be doing something right, perhaps like an awakening spark to a boiling frog, who can't detect its own slippage into monotony. Frogs, to clarify, are unable to detect subtle changes in temperature, and because of this it is possible to place them in a pan of room temperature water and slowly bring it to a boil, during which time the frog will remain content and unmoved until boiled to its death. Similarly, it seems that people, as they become adults, can continue on in their lives unflinchingly as their own childhood dreams and once-monumental self expectations erode from under them.

Yuck. You should definitely consider revising or removing this passage. If you really want to maintain the frog metaphor, slim it down to something that directly compares complacency to the boiling frog. You only need one sentence for this, and if you phrase it correctly your reference should be clear. Most people know this bit of trivia about frogs, and to explain it talks down to your audience, while a "casual" allusion displays your skills in composition.

And if you were to reverse Ghandi's quote: "Be the change you want to see in the world" you get what I have spent a significant amount of time pursuing - writings, music, projects and friends which provoke in myself new dreams and new ideas, to see in the world ways I can change myself.

Unclear, and bordering on a run-on. The construction, "And if you were to reverse Ghandi's quote" is awkward. You might try starting a new paragraph with something like, "Ghandi famously advises, 'Be the change you want to see in the world,' but I think there is some truth in the opposing statement, 'Search the world for the best changes to make in yourself.'"

If anything, becoming an adult is about gaining on the inspiration and dreams that drove you as a child, rather than 'waking up' from them or 'maturing' out of them.

I like the idea, but consider making it more succint. Good writing never involves all compound or complex sentences -- try to use simple "punchy" ones as well. In this case, I would also consider revising so that you do not use 'maturing' as a negative. I know exactly what you are going for, but always remember your audience. Perhaps my father's advice will be helpful: he once told me that "maturing into adulthood never has to mean 'growing up'." In other words, maturity means integrating the inner child into a world of responsibility. You never have to kill the child to be a man.

Those that can get at the interwoven patterns, are the ones that become my closest friends. I beleive that understanding is one of the central pillars making friendship possible - that alongside memorable experiences.

Since you are playing with the metaphor of woven patterns, consider mentioning the ways in which friends "weave themselves together." Also, the dash does not work in this case. Why not just "along with memorable experiences"?

I also beleive that those two breed each other,

I had to read this twice before I understood that "those two" refers to "understanding" and "memorable experiences."

and that this connection quite possibly extends over all landscapes of knowledge, except in place of 'friendship' I would inject the word 'passion', a word more fitting for the results of an in-depth understanding and experiencing of art, philosophy, or science.

This sentence clearly falls into run-on territory, or at least unnecessary complexity. Split it up.

That you can take a lesson from one field or one experience and apply it to another, seems to suggest a system of universal logic that is not exclusive to any one field of study. And perhaps we can newly reveal intricate universals and learn, from our observations of them, of life in general.

You may want to consider toning down the deep philosophizing. Admissions committees tend to be turned off by essays that boast of eternal claims. You want to look deep, but humble. And it is certainly possible to rephrase the above to be so.

Perhaps it's true that people unknowingly reveal their impressions of a person, through something about them which is quite arbitrary, such as a name.

It appears that you are trying to tie this into your introduction. Are you implying that people reveal their impressions of you by the way in which they mispronounce your name? What then does that say about the impression you give? Also, is a name really "arbitrary"? Think about the trouble parents go through to decide on one!

If true, different people would compliment you for your name, while others would ridicule it, and others still would say they just didn't understand it. If true, than my first paragraph would serve not only as a metaphor, but also as a revealing peice of psychology. Perhaps when people are trying to identify me, there is something in the way the name is said that represents their thoughts or understanding of me.

Okay... again, what does this say about you? Are you prepared to answer the criticism that people recognize most names and say them correctly, so this "universal truth" applies only to you, and others with unusual names. But then what can it really tell us... and is it not much more straightforward to explain the mispronunciation as a "best attempt" that has more to do with a person's general life experience than with her/his immediate impressions of you, about whom they know so little?

While I can't yet say I would put all my eggs in this basket as an ultimate philosophical truth,

What basket? What truth? That a person's pronunciation of unfamiliar names "say something" (you have not said what) about them? Or that there is a "universal logic"?

I can confidently say that the pursuit of answers to this question and others, is one of a rare few things I have found that continues to provide an invigorating rush, and that through understanding and experience I can continue to press ever harder torward an answer, if any exists, as to how I should best live and enjoy life.

It is not at all clear how you leapt from the preceding to the question of the good life.

However I wouldn't be surprised that if, at the end, everything I did was just one large metaphor, and that the answer was the search itself.

Trite and clichéd. I can see you are going for a feeling of profundity, but if so try to make it an original metaphor rather than "the answer was the search itself."


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General notes:

While undergraduate admissions essays can use rather restrictive questions, it is usually a good idea to give some sense of your knowledge of the particular school or program to which you are applying. The most important question a personal statement answers is, "Why do I belong at your school"?

I have not corrected your spelling. Microsoft or Corel should be able to handle that.

I think I can add a few comments. I tutor pre-law students at my university in preparation for the LSAT, and part of my job is to help them prepare their personal statements. (Of course, I seem to remember undergraduate essays having somewhat different requirements, such as a specific topic. Did this school propose a topic, or did you choose one?)

=================================



Why are you telling them that you allow people to distort your name? Your statement should demonstrate your confidence and resilience. I am not sure that showing how you back down to others' butchery of your name reflects on you. (And I have personal experience in this arena. My name is Elric, and I have heard everything from "Elroy" to "Elwood" and -- believe it or not -- even "Albert"!) This is not necessarily bad, of course -- but if you are going to keep it you might want to give it a bit more "spin" to have it show, perhaps, that you are accomodating (rather than weak).



Make sure that in your final draft you eliminate all contractions, such as "it's" for "it is" and "that's" for "that is." This is a formal essay, and should conform to academic writing standards.



What are we supposed to learn about you from this passage?



I would seriously consider removing this passage. While I can see that you want to portray yourself as fun-loving and free-spirited, this comes across as juvenile -- and potentially insulting to a particular ethnic background. Definitely dangerous material for a college essay!



Consider revising. While I see what you are going for, the combination of "deathly" seriousness with the personality of a "child" does not exactly scream maturity. Try replacing "double-sided" (which sounds mildly neurotic) with "complex," or something to that effect.



Do you really want to describe yourself as "grey"? You could achieve a similarly "poetic" description by discussing "contrasting colors" of your personality -- giving no reason to assume that your "colors" are merely "black and white." Certainly your "fun" side might be more colorful, yes?



This entire approach gives the impression that you are conflicted rather than complex. And why do you consider these sides "completely unlike"? It would demonstrate great maturity and good humor, I think, to point out that the serious intellectual is a free-thinker and even playful. These strike me as different sides of the same coin.



Your meaning is unclear. Are you going for something that suggests your personality is "as unique" as your name?



Okay... but again, why black and white and not, say, a "rainbow"? Also, you make it sound as if you alone are composed of different colors... Perhaps you could mention that the experience of being misunderstood has led you to "look for the colors in everyone." Remember, you want to show intellectual maturity and confidence, but not hubris.



Consider your audience. Do you want to tell an admissions committee that "the way you act" is completely surprising, or that you are a "random" person? I see what you are going for, but be careful to let them know that you will be a serious student with consistent goals and motivation. Think about a substitution that uses some notion of "freedom" rather than "randomness." Free-thinking looks good... "randomness" not as much.



Yuck. You should definitely consider revising or removing this passage. If you really want to maintain the frog metaphor, slim it down to something that directly compares complacency to the boiling frog. You only need one sentence for this, and if you phrase it correctly your reference should be clear. Most people know this bit of trivia about frogs, and to explain it talks down to your audience, while a "casual" allusion displays your skills in composition.



Unclear, and bordering on a run-on. The construction, "And if you were to reverse Ghandi's quote" is awkward. You might try starting a new paragraph with something like, "Ghandi famously advises, 'Be the change you want to see in the world,' but I think there is some truth in the opposing statement, 'Search the world for the best changes to make in yourself.'"



I like the idea, but consider making it more succint. Good writing never involves all compound or complex sentences -- try to use simple "punchy" ones as well. In this case, I would also consider revising so that you do not use 'maturing' as a negative. I know exactly what you are going for, but always remember your audience. Perhaps my father's advice will be helpful: he once told me that "maturing into adulthood never has to mean 'growing up'." In other words, maturity means integrating the inner child into a world of responsibility. You never have to kill the child to be a man.



Since you are playing with the metaphor of woven patterns, consider mentioning the ways in which friends "weave themselves together." Also, the dash does not work in this case. Why not just "along with memorable experiences"?



I had to read this twice before I understood that "those two" refers to "understanding" and "memorable experiences."



This sentence clearly falls into run-on territory, or at least unnecessary complexity. Split it up.



You may want to consider toning down the deep philosophizing. Admissions committees tend to be turned off by essays that boast of eternal claims. You want to look deep, but humble. And it is certainly possible to rephrase the above to be so.



It appears that you are trying to tie this into your introduction. Are you implying that people reveal their impressions of you by the way in which they mispronounce your name? What then does that say about the impression you give? Also, is a name really "arbitrary"? Think about the trouble parents go through to decide on one!



Okay... again, what does this say about you? Are you prepared to answer the criticism that people recognize most names and say them correctly, so this "universal truth" applies only to you, and others with unusual names. But then what can it really tell us... and is it not much more straightforward to explain the mispronunciation as a "best attempt" that has more to do with a person's general life experience than with her/his immediate impressions of you, about whom they know so little?



What basket? What truth? That a person's pronunciation of unfamiliar names "say something" (you have not said what) about them? Or that there is a "universal logic"?



It is not at all clear how you leapt from the preceding to the question of the good life.



Trite and clichéd. I can see you are going for a feeling of profundity, but if so try to make it an original metaphor rather than "the answer was the search itself."


----------------------

General notes:

While undergraduate admissions essays can use rather restrictive questions, it is usually a good idea to give some sense of your knowledge of the particular school or program to which you are applying. The most important question a personal statement answers is, "Why do I belong at your school"?

I have not corrected your spelling. Microsoft or Corel should be able to handle that.


Appreciated... thanks