Urukku
20-12-2004, 01:34
To the members of Greenpeace,
I thank you for your tireless efforts to secure the environment against the ever-encroaching threat of pollution and contamination from the more unscrupulous children of mother Earth. Indeed, without the intervention of people like you, it may have passed from us long ago. You are a true inspiration, and I write to you because you are the light that led me out of the darkness. I cannot be held blameless of the crimes committed against our mother earth, for I was once a businessman bent only on quick profits and pleasure at any price. I must confess that I have dined upon white rhinos, tender young baby seals, and Bengal tigers, simply to sate my exotic urges. I am glad to say that these dark days have finally ended.
I can pinpoint the moment at which I finally took that turn for the better. I was finishing work on my newly-constructed power plant, when I saw that some careless worker had left a duck trapped under his crane. Seeing that poor animal struggle broke my heart... I realized the horrid mockery I was making of this beautiful world. Quietly eating duck à l'orange that night, I reflected on my life devoted to the destruction of our delicate ecosystem. I realized that, for the greater part of my life, my surname, Greedly, had described my actions all too accurately. I realized that my anger against one anonymous cell of ecoterrorists had been wrong, and that it was they who held the moral high ground.
For some time, this small but mobile group had antagonized me with great vivaciousness. They tirelessly worked against me and many others similar myself by a variety of means - even resorting to incendiary weapons and high-pressure water streams to hinder our efforts. Their leader, or "Captain" as they called him, was revered as a God to them. Indeed, he seemed to perform many miracles, which I could scarcely believe, even having seen them. It was this very "Captain" that finally led me to search for a higher meaning in life, which is how I came across you.
I realize now the harm I have done, and wish only to find some way to undo it. I implore you to respond and tell me how I too can help make the world a better place by hurting others, for I truly love all the flavors of this Earth, and wish to defend it against those who would befoul it.
Sincerely,
Hoggish Allen Greedly*
An actual letter I sent to Greenpeace... it's been weeks and I still get no response.
*- Hoggish Greedly is a villain from Captain Planet, in case you don't know.
I thank you for your tireless efforts to secure the environment against the ever-encroaching threat of pollution and contamination from the more unscrupulous children of mother Earth. Indeed, without the intervention of people like you, it may have passed from us long ago. You are a true inspiration, and I write to you because you are the light that led me out of the darkness. I cannot be held blameless of the crimes committed against our mother earth, for I was once a businessman bent only on quick profits and pleasure at any price. I must confess that I have dined upon white rhinos, tender young baby seals, and Bengal tigers, simply to sate my exotic urges. I am glad to say that these dark days have finally ended.
I can pinpoint the moment at which I finally took that turn for the better. I was finishing work on my newly-constructed power plant, when I saw that some careless worker had left a duck trapped under his crane. Seeing that poor animal struggle broke my heart... I realized the horrid mockery I was making of this beautiful world. Quietly eating duck à l'orange that night, I reflected on my life devoted to the destruction of our delicate ecosystem. I realized that, for the greater part of my life, my surname, Greedly, had described my actions all too accurately. I realized that my anger against one anonymous cell of ecoterrorists had been wrong, and that it was they who held the moral high ground.
For some time, this small but mobile group had antagonized me with great vivaciousness. They tirelessly worked against me and many others similar myself by a variety of means - even resorting to incendiary weapons and high-pressure water streams to hinder our efforts. Their leader, or "Captain" as they called him, was revered as a God to them. Indeed, he seemed to perform many miracles, which I could scarcely believe, even having seen them. It was this very "Captain" that finally led me to search for a higher meaning in life, which is how I came across you.
I realize now the harm I have done, and wish only to find some way to undo it. I implore you to respond and tell me how I too can help make the world a better place by hurting others, for I truly love all the flavors of this Earth, and wish to defend it against those who would befoul it.
Sincerely,
Hoggish Allen Greedly*
An actual letter I sent to Greenpeace... it's been weeks and I still get no response.
*- Hoggish Greedly is a villain from Captain Planet, in case you don't know.