NationStates Jolt Archive

Hey guys, after looking at an assortment of threads and noticing the political hostilities that are around these days I've decided to start a political jokes thread to lighten the mood.
Conditions:
Jokes presented must be political in nature ie; Bush jokes, Clinton jokes, Osama jokes, or general political jokes. NO RACIAL jokes are allowed. You may post original jokes or jokes that you find that fall under the above categories.
Now I'll start with my first group of jokes, and please if you can follow the format that I use, Thanks.

Bush Joke

ENLARGE YOUR COALITION! GUARANTEED!
Want a big international COALITION? Tired of getting spurned by hot European girls because of your "unilateralism"?

Now, YOU can experience the COALITION ENLARGEMENT you've always wanted with a MASSIVE accounting breakthrough!! 100% GUARANTEED!!!

THE APPEARANCE OF SIZE DOES MATTER!

With the help of our GUARANTEED plan you too will go from being a little bush to a THICK, MIGHTY LOG in no time! Best yet, our plan has NO Painful and Hard-To-Use international pumps like the UN, and NO annoying allies who might actually try and assert themselves!

With our plan, you can GROW that HUGE THROBBING COALITION in just THREE EASY STEPS!!!

1) Get one of your buddies at the health club (or in England) to SING PRAISES of how MIGHTY your Coalition is, then simply COUNT EVERYONE AT THE HEALTH CLUB (or in England) AS BEING PART OF YOUR COALITION -- WHETHER THEY WANT TO BE OR NOT. Remember to use the phrase: "Everyone
down at the gym (or England) says I have a huge coalition" often.

2) MOCK anyone who questions the size of your coalition, especially if they ask for measurements. Be quick to say: "I don't have to measure it because everyone KNOWS it's HUGE." Better yet, ask them how big THEIR coalition is. That usually shuts them up real fast. If it doesn't, simply
change the subject or walk out of the room.

3) Tell possible MEMBERS they can hang with you and the cool kids down at Club NATO after the show. If that doesn't work, promise to slip several billion dollars into their economy (Don't actually give them the money, just promise it.)

4) You can DOUBLE and TRIPLE the size of your international thang by padding it with SEXY sounding places like Latvia, Uzbekistan and, ooh baby, Eritrea. And if anyone wonders what good the Marshall Islands are when they can't even field 2 guys at the Olympics much less an army, you
just shoot back "HEY, even with MICRONESIA on my side I'm still bigger than the French! HAR!"

5) And finally, when all else fails just tell people 1/3 or more of your coalition is HIDDEN and flatly refuse to pull out the whole length. Insist real gentlemen don't talk about such things in public and that they'll just have to trust your word as to how MASSIVELY THROBBINGLY HUGE the whole coalition is. Then cite security concerns and have them arrested.

If you follow the above 4 steps, you will be GUARANTEED to ERECT a bigger coalition that will leave them all too WILLING to drop trou, bend over and do ANYTHING YOU TELL 'EM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"'Enlarge your coalition' made me a man!" - George B

General Politics

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Have fun! ;)

soldier meet iraqi child and ask him for his age.
the child say "4 months before 12".
the soldier says "optimistic, aren't you?"

question: bush, putin and blair flied in plane, and it crashed. in which countrie the sadness will be greater?
answer: france, shiraq wasn't be on that plane.

Israeli prey for god and ask him for wish.
suddenly, god come and agree for one wish.
the Israeli: "I want you build me huge space ship who can go to the end of universe in minutes".
god: "imposible, take other wish"
the Israeli: "well, I want peace in the middle east"
god: "how many seats you wanted in the space ship?"

Well, there won't be any for the libs, so here's a few:

A libertarian is a conservative who's been busted.

A libertarian is a liberal who learned economics.

"How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"None. The Market will take care of it."


Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see:

10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.

9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.

9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?

6. The Private Party... No comment.

5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?

4. The Search Party... Looking for members.

3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.

2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.

And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:

1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.

Bush went to visit a primary school class, and talked to them about tragedy. He asked if any of them could think of an event that would be a tragedy.

Billy put his hand up. "Yes, Mr President, I can think of one. If an old man slipped on a wet floor, banged his head and died."

"No, Billy," said Dubya. "That would be an accident. Anyone else?"

Heather put her hand up. "Ooh, ooh, I know. If the school bus went over the cliff on the way to school, and all the children died."

"No, wrong again, I'm afraid. We would call that a great loss."

Little Johnny put his hand in the air. "Um, I think it must be a tragedy if some terrorists shot down Air Force One with a missile."

"Correct!" beamed the President. "And why would that be a tragedy?"

"Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it would certainly be no great loss."

I've posted this before, but hey...

What is the difference between Vietnam and Iraq?

George W. Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

what the difference between accident and tragedy?
if bush sail in the ocean in the ship crash, that is accident.
if he will back to the land, that is tragedy.

"you don't need favoritism, if you had connections"

Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

But what does this mean?

# Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

# Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

# When toasting the holidays,
Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."

# When not in stores,
Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

# Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

# Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

# Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

# Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

# Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Why's it better to elect a true conservative crook than a bleeding heart liberal?

They'll never steal as much as the lib will give away.

(Ogiek, love that one.)

A bit out of date...

---

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":


1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?


2. Why did you attack Iraq without an imminent reason?


3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?


Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":


1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?


2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?


3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?


4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?


5. Where's Bobby?
----

SOME TEXAN

Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush's visit to their ranch earlier that day.
"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."
They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."
They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was when he tried to milk that steer!"


---


There's a new Republican attack ad out, where soldiers who served with Kerry claim that Kerry lied about his heroism in Vietnam and is unfit to command.

In response, the Democrats wanted to make a similar ad attacking Bush ... .. but they couldn't find anyone who served with him.

---

EMERGENCY EXIT

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

----

For diversity, Bush Sr now:

"I hope I stand for antibigotry, anti-Semitism, antiracism. This is what drives me." -George Bush Sr., in 1988

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." -George Bush Sr., in 1988

---

Q: What does Bill Clinton do with his a$$hole every morning?

A: DRESSES HER UP & SENDS HER TO THE SENATE!

Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."


George W. Bush vs. the Taliban

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.

If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

Yassir Arafat goes to a psychic and asks, "When will I die?" The psychic thinks about it for a minute and says, "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
Arafat says, "What!? Well, which Jewish holiday will it be?"
The psychic says, "It doesn't matter. The day you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

A man visits an island inhabited entirely by cannibals, and passes a butcher shop. The sign out front lists the prices and it reads:

1 oz. Artist's Brain: $100
1 oz. Scientist's Brain: $100
1 oz. Philosopher's Brain: $100
1 oz. Politician's Brain: $500

Then man walks into the shop and says, "You guys must not have alot of politicians around here if their brains are so expensive, right?"
The shopkeep says, "Not exactly. Do you have any idea how many politicians we have to kill to get an ounce of brains?"

What You Must Believe to be a Good Republican

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a popular conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs overseas.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is evil socialism.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Thinking Problem

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want a divorce!"
"But dear, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a noneducational video; last week it was Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.

How to be a Good Democrat

You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.
You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
You have to believe that self esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.
You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
You have to believe that the posting of this list is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

How to be a good Democrat
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites.

Consider the list below to see how you rate.

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

7.5. You have to believe that convicted felons deserve to live, yet unborn babies deserve to die.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

^
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| Double post.

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Iraq TV Guide

MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

Nicknames for Political Parties in America

Repubiclan
Demoslut
Liberturdian
Gangerene

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."

I've posted this one before, but here it goes:

Last monday the president's personal library burned to the ground. Both books were lost.

The president's spokesman said the president was very disappointed, he hadn't even finished coloring the second one.

^
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| Double post.

I realized...blah...there's a few differences

Letter from the Queen of England Received by New York Times 11/04/2004

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a Suitible President (yet again) and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85 percent of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds (or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% f you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4 is no! longer a public holiday. November 8 will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crook and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Question: You are walking down the street with your wife and two kids when a lunatic comes racing around the corner with a huge knife, yelling and screaming and coming right for you with knife raised and bloodlust in his eyes. He is obviously intent on killing or seriously injuring you and/or your family. There is no one else around and you are a crack shot. What do you do?

Liberal answer: Well, why is he attacking me? Did I oppress him in some way? Is he merely responding to the cruelness of the capitalist system and taking it out on me? Will he feel better if I allow him to kill me? What about my wife, or my children? Is he willing to discuss with me the reasons for his attack? Perhaps we could all attend counseling and I could show him where the welfare office is located?



Conservative answer: BANG



Texan answer: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG *click* *click* (sounds of reloading)
Daughter: Nice group, Daddy, are those the new .45 hollow-points?
Son: I think he is still moving...
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG *click* *click* *click*

Bush and Saddam are meeting for a peace talk on the beach. As they walk along Saddam stumbles over an old lamp and *poof* a magic genie appears. He offers Saddam two wishes and Bush one wish, since Saddam was the one who actually stumbled. Saddam says he would like a huge wall built around the entire middle east--too strong to break through, too high for planes to fly over, too deep for anyone to tunnel under. Nothing and nobody was to be able to cross over the boundaries of the wall except for missiles from the inside out, and it couldn't be "unwished" by Bush. The genie snapped his fingers and *poof* the wall was built. Then Saddam turns to Bush, grins, and says he wishes to go back to Baghdad. The genie snapped his fingers and *poof* Saddam was back in Baghdad.
Bush thinks for a second and asks the genie if there is any way for anyone to cross over the wall. The genie replies that that is impossible. Nothing and nobody can cross over the wall, except for missiles from the inside out. Bush smirks and says, "Fill it with water."

Question: You are walking down the street with your wife and two kids when a lunatic comes racing around the corner with a huge knife, yelling and screaming and coming right for you with knife raised and bloodlust in his eyes. He is obviously intent on killing or seriously injuring you and/or your family. There is no one else around and you are a crack shot. What do you do?

Liberal answer: Well, why is he attacking me? Did I oppress him in some way? Is he merely responding to the cruelness of the capitalist system and taking it out on me? Will he feel better if I allow him to kill me? What about my wife, or my children? Is he willing to discuss with me the reasons for his attack? Perhaps we could all attend counseling and I could show him where the welfare office is located?



Conservative answer: BANG



Texan answer: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG *click* *click* (sounds of reloading)
Daughter: Nice group, Daddy, are those the new .45 hollow-points?
Son: I think he is still moving...
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG *click* *click* *click*

I like. :D

I suppose I might as well post a joke relating to Texans as well. This is something a friend of mine posted on the Texas regional offsite forum.

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out "One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Iraqi ". Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texas soldier's voice calls out again "One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Iraqi ". The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fightercrawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander...

"Don't send any more men...... its a trap. There's two of them".

I suppose I might as well post a joke relating to Texans as well. This is something a friend of mine posted on the Texas regional offsite forum.

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out "One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Iraqi ". Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texas soldier's voice calls out again "One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Iraqi ". The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fightercrawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander...

"Don't send any more men...... its a trap. There's two of them".


LOL.....

LOL.....

Thank you! I'm glad someone appreciates the warped humor. And I've been glad to see, after noting some of your posts in General, that you've become a helpful and friendly poster since we last met. :)

A Rabbi is sitting on a bench in red square reading the Torah. A KGB agent walks past him and sees the book in his hand. He asks
"Whats that book?"
"It is the Torah" the Rabbi replied "It is written in Hebrew, the language of Heaven. If you want to go to Heaven you must speek the language of Heaven"
"How do you know your not going to hell instead of Heaven" The KGB agent asked
"Perhaps I'm not" said the Rabbi "But it doesnt matter, I allready know Russian"

The Ant and the Grasshopper

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
Long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
Grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,” retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

The current Pope dies and go to heaven. When he raches it, he finds clocks ticking away above his head.

"What's these clocks for?" the Pope asks the angel next to him.

"These clocks represent the poeple on Earth. As you can see, each one is ticking at a different speed, which represent their honsty, the quicker the it ticks, the more dishonest you are," the angel replied.

Suddenly the Pope sees a clock floating above all the rest, and ticking so fast that it became a blur when the Pope looked at it.

"That person there must be a jolly fibber," stated the Pope as he pointed to that rapidly spinning clock hand.

"Ah yes, that clock represent Mr Bush. You see, becuase his goes so fast, we sometimes use it as a fan to cool us down" said the angel.

Bill Of No Rights


Our Rights: The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Does anyone still post on this thing?