Smeagol-Gollum
14-12-2004, 09:47
KFC... it's finger-lickin' toxic
Ukrainian liberal opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko has publicly boycotted KFC after it was discovered that a campaign photo-op in the Kiev store was responsible for his present condition. A media conference about Ukraine’s thriving chicken industry quickly turned sour as Yushckenko was rushed to hospital. “I think it was Khirovohrad Tower Burger that did me in”, he said. “Who'd have guessed one of the eleven secret herbs and spices would be dioxin?”
Yushchenko has his heart set on winning power in the Ukraine, but if he fails at the forthcoming poll, it is rumoured he will play the lead in an upcoming Odessan production of Phantom of the Opera. Whatever happens in the coming months, Yushchenko will remain philosophical. “If I lose again, I can always be supermodel in Tajikistan”, he laughed. “Sorry, that’s just a little Ukranian humour.”
Responding to accusations of former KGB agents in the ranks, KFC president Gregg Dedrick has initiated a purge of all chicken flippers, nugget dippers and customer service attendants in Ukranian stores. “We’re painstakingly screening all our employees to see if they’re currently showing signs of chloracne like Mr Yushchenko’s,” Dedrick said. “As opposed to just their regular acne,”.
The fast food CEO has vowed to find the rogue KFC operatives responsible, and has promised the harshest possible penalties, including making them eat popcorn chicken.
“KFC has a family-friendly reputation to uphold”, Dedrick said. “We won’t stand for former Soviet operatives killing world leaders by adding dioxin to our products,” he said. “We want to reassure our Ukranian customers that in future, any adverse health effects experienced after eating KFC will be due to the extreme fat levels, extensive genetic modification and occasional substitution of rabbit that our customers the world over have come to expect from the Colonel.”
Ukrainian liberal opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko has publicly boycotted KFC after it was discovered that a campaign photo-op in the Kiev store was responsible for his present condition. A media conference about Ukraine’s thriving chicken industry quickly turned sour as Yushckenko was rushed to hospital. “I think it was Khirovohrad Tower Burger that did me in”, he said. “Who'd have guessed one of the eleven secret herbs and spices would be dioxin?”
Yushchenko has his heart set on winning power in the Ukraine, but if he fails at the forthcoming poll, it is rumoured he will play the lead in an upcoming Odessan production of Phantom of the Opera. Whatever happens in the coming months, Yushchenko will remain philosophical. “If I lose again, I can always be supermodel in Tajikistan”, he laughed. “Sorry, that’s just a little Ukranian humour.”
Responding to accusations of former KGB agents in the ranks, KFC president Gregg Dedrick has initiated a purge of all chicken flippers, nugget dippers and customer service attendants in Ukranian stores. “We’re painstakingly screening all our employees to see if they’re currently showing signs of chloracne like Mr Yushchenko’s,” Dedrick said. “As opposed to just their regular acne,”.
The fast food CEO has vowed to find the rogue KFC operatives responsible, and has promised the harshest possible penalties, including making them eat popcorn chicken.
“KFC has a family-friendly reputation to uphold”, Dedrick said. “We won’t stand for former Soviet operatives killing world leaders by adding dioxin to our products,” he said. “We want to reassure our Ukranian customers that in future, any adverse health effects experienced after eating KFC will be due to the extreme fat levels, extensive genetic modification and occasional substitution of rabbit that our customers the world over have come to expect from the Colonel.”