Hajekistan
11-12-2004, 08:08
As most people here who have read the all important tome Hajekistan Really Kicks Ass and Other Valuable Facts Neccessary for True Hero Worship know, under most situations I am not religious. However, as people who have read the almost as important tome Hajekistan Factually Hits Donkeys and More Useful Truths Important for Real Idol Adoration I become extremely religious around the Christmas season as a way of making my fellow men really awkward, kind of like yelling out "Just FABULOUS!" in the men's room.
In the continuation of this charade, which includes sending half of the Religious Holiday Card selection from Hallmark to that Hindu guy who used to steal my newspaper a couple years ago, I also must arrange to send these things called "gifts" to other people. Who'd have guessed? Not me, as I usually don't realize these things until exactly 10:53 on Christmas Eve, at which point I look up from my stamp licking (not for sending out christmas cards mind, those have already been sent, I'm not that thoughtless or awful. By then I am merely sending letter bombs to local orphanages) and then rush out to my local "Ye Olde Lowe Budgete Giftse ande Dollare Storee."
However, if you plan ahead, you can avoid the Christmas rush to grab that last Ninja Jesus action figure. So, without further rambling, I offer the top five low-budget gifts for this holiday season (Note: Prices are listed in both American and Canadian, as I am an American and, as per the highly amusing stereotype, don't know the rest of the world exists):
5: John Kerry Raps Guaranteed to cure insomnia and that pesky will to live. Feel the emotion as you stare in glassy eyed wonder at a man who can rap for five hours straight, without breaking monotone. And Don't Worry! That Chinese Assault Rifle he is waving in the air really isn't his! Now comes with bonus "John Kerry '04" bumper sticker, so that everyone can know that you really are that pathetic.
Price: US: $4.95
CN: $7.87
4: Baby's First Necronomicon What tot doesn't want the powers of the unknowable universe in their hands? A sick and deranged one*, that's who! Decorated in various shades of blood red, radioactive green, various colors that extend beyond the realm of human comprehension and space, and purple. Warning, babies spending more that 5 seconds exposed to Baby's First Necronomicon may suffer from red glowing eyes, growing gills, and an excessive mentioning of the word indescribable.
(*Assuming that all children are sick and deranged, which is probably a pretty good bet)
Price: US: $2.04
CN: Indescribable
3: Ruben Studdard's Diet Book Following the continued lead of famous celebreties writing on things that they really don't know shit about. Ruben leads the pack (assuming the pack is a pack of hamsters) with his new book that advises people about how to gain his slim, trim figure. It turns out that the secret is Anti-Matter. Fat is, after all, by and large made of matter, so exposing it to anti-matter will cause it to cease existing. Sure, there may be some side effects, like dying a horrible painful death, but is it any less than that bastard who keeps sending you diet books for Christmas deserves? Also offered are numerous homestyle Anti-Matter recipes.
Price: US: $3.48, Anti-Matter may cost several small countries
CN: Three llamas and a goat
2: Hardcore Smiley on Smiley Action Everyone knows that grandparents love to see signs of their childrens love, and what says love more than RIC themed smut? Well, but beating her mailman to death with a tire iron would be icky. She can see why this guy is :eek: and what it has to do with these three :headbang: :fluffle:
Price: US: $.99
CN: YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL
1: Hajekistan Really Kicks Ass and Other Valuable Facts Neccessary for True Hero Worship Yes, this book is only 15 pages long, and yes, only 10 of thosse pages are the actual book. However, the cover is made of solid steel, and so the book can be reasonably well used as both a bludgeon and weapon to be dropped upon the heads of your foes, provided they walk back and forth, Koopa Troopa style, under the place where you are standing.
Price: US: $.12
CN: A reasonably well washed sock
In the continuation of this charade, which includes sending half of the Religious Holiday Card selection from Hallmark to that Hindu guy who used to steal my newspaper a couple years ago, I also must arrange to send these things called "gifts" to other people. Who'd have guessed? Not me, as I usually don't realize these things until exactly 10:53 on Christmas Eve, at which point I look up from my stamp licking (not for sending out christmas cards mind, those have already been sent, I'm not that thoughtless or awful. By then I am merely sending letter bombs to local orphanages) and then rush out to my local "Ye Olde Lowe Budgete Giftse ande Dollare Storee."
However, if you plan ahead, you can avoid the Christmas rush to grab that last Ninja Jesus action figure. So, without further rambling, I offer the top five low-budget gifts for this holiday season (Note: Prices are listed in both American and Canadian, as I am an American and, as per the highly amusing stereotype, don't know the rest of the world exists):
5: John Kerry Raps Guaranteed to cure insomnia and that pesky will to live. Feel the emotion as you stare in glassy eyed wonder at a man who can rap for five hours straight, without breaking monotone. And Don't Worry! That Chinese Assault Rifle he is waving in the air really isn't his! Now comes with bonus "John Kerry '04" bumper sticker, so that everyone can know that you really are that pathetic.
Price: US: $4.95
CN: $7.87
4: Baby's First Necronomicon What tot doesn't want the powers of the unknowable universe in their hands? A sick and deranged one*, that's who! Decorated in various shades of blood red, radioactive green, various colors that extend beyond the realm of human comprehension and space, and purple. Warning, babies spending more that 5 seconds exposed to Baby's First Necronomicon may suffer from red glowing eyes, growing gills, and an excessive mentioning of the word indescribable.
(*Assuming that all children are sick and deranged, which is probably a pretty good bet)
Price: US: $2.04
CN: Indescribable
3: Ruben Studdard's Diet Book Following the continued lead of famous celebreties writing on things that they really don't know shit about. Ruben leads the pack (assuming the pack is a pack of hamsters) with his new book that advises people about how to gain his slim, trim figure. It turns out that the secret is Anti-Matter. Fat is, after all, by and large made of matter, so exposing it to anti-matter will cause it to cease existing. Sure, there may be some side effects, like dying a horrible painful death, but is it any less than that bastard who keeps sending you diet books for Christmas deserves? Also offered are numerous homestyle Anti-Matter recipes.
Price: US: $3.48, Anti-Matter may cost several small countries
CN: Three llamas and a goat
2: Hardcore Smiley on Smiley Action Everyone knows that grandparents love to see signs of their childrens love, and what says love more than RIC themed smut? Well, but beating her mailman to death with a tire iron would be icky. She can see why this guy is :eek: and what it has to do with these three :headbang: :fluffle:
Price: US: $.99
CN: YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL
1: Hajekistan Really Kicks Ass and Other Valuable Facts Neccessary for True Hero Worship Yes, this book is only 15 pages long, and yes, only 10 of thosse pages are the actual book. However, the cover is made of solid steel, and so the book can be reasonably well used as both a bludgeon and weapon to be dropped upon the heads of your foes, provided they walk back and forth, Koopa Troopa style, under the place where you are standing.
Price: US: $.12
CN: A reasonably well washed sock