NationStates Jolt Archive

I have very few heroes. I simply don't think highly of famous people.

But one notable exception is George Carlin. I love his wit, his philosophy on life and his command of the english language(which is something I still lack).

Here are some of my favorite Carlinisms:

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

"Electricity is really just organized lightning."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit."

"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

"When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

:D

Meh. George is good.

I like Jacob Fischer.

I see you!

Shut up Haggis.

So Betsy you and Mr. Bun-Bun?

You really have to watch him. There's no other way to understand his humor. But I do like the flame thrower joke.

George Carlin, Eddie Izzard, The Amazing Jonathon.

LOL - Carlin is great

Carlin sucks wet smelly ass.

Carlin sucks wet smelly ass.

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with."

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? "

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

:D

Fuck you, I'm not getting on the plane, I'm getting in the plane. Let Evil Kenival get on the plane. I want to be inside with you people in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here!

George Carlin, Eddie Izzard, The Amazing Jonathon.

Three good ones.

Best amazing Jonathon trick:

Get two glasses and fill them with water, or some other liquid. Tell a person you're going to show them a cool trick, and have them put their hands flat on a table. Put one glass on the back of each of their hands, make sure they're well balanced. Leave.

Three good ones.

Best amazing Jonathon trick:

Get two glasses and fill them with water, or some other liquid. Tell a person you're going to show them a cool trick, and have them put their hands flat on a table. Put one glass on the back of each of their hands, make sure they're well balanced. Leave.

LMAO I love that one. :D

General George S. Patton, Jr.

The man was a military genius, plus he had some awesome quotes.

"No man ever won a war by dieing for his country; he won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his!"


:sniper: (just cause it looks good)

First post! Welcome brother, but watch your back, or you'll soon be addicted and your life as you know it will end.

Anyone here read "When will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?" by Carlin. I remember him saying he picked the title becuase it offended all major Western religions and vegetarians aswell. I see how it is supposed to offend the Christians, Jews, and Vegetarians, but I'm not sure about the Muslims. I should really read the book. Anys, I agree, Carlin is kick-ass!

Anyone here read "When will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?" by Carlin. I remember him saying he picked the title becuase it offended all major Western religions and vegetarians aswell. I see how it is supposed to offend the Christians, Jews, and Vegetarians, but I'm not sure about the Muslims. I should really read the book. Anys, I agree, Carlin is kick-ass!

Muslims don't eat pork. ;)

I read it. The middle got a bit dull. Too much on euphemisms. But the beginning and end were hilarious.

Anyone here read "When will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?" by Carlin. I remember him saying he picked the title becuase it offended all major Western religions and vegetarians aswell. I see how it is supposed to offend the Christians, Jews, and Vegetarians, but I'm not sure about the Muslims. I should really read the book. Anys, I agree, Carlin is kick-ass!Muslims don't eat pork (either).

"I don't want to be buried. I don't want to be cremated either. I want to be blown up!"

I like the amazing jonathon trick where he tells us he's going to rip a dollar in half and magically put it back together. Then he rips the bill turns around. As he is turned around, you can clearly hear the tape being ripped. he turns around and holds up a taped dollar bill.


Anyone else have props for eddie izzard? I suggest you all listen to him. In fact, that sounds like a good idea. Oh, also - Ghalleger.

Although George Carlin is great, Jack Handey is funnier.



I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Carlin is awesome, I love him because in every interview he's ever done he says that religion is the very worst thing that human beings have ever done to themselves, a sentiment that not only has the force of logic and the weight of history behind it, but my own wholehearted agreement.

One thing I think this forum would do well to remeber is that Socialism and Communism are religions with the State in place of God, or rather as "Heaven on Earth" with Satlin, Hitler, Kim Jong Il or whoever as the Godhead. They come complete with irrational religious ideas like omnipotence, (through violence) omnipresence, (through survielllence) and omniscience (central planning). They always turn into "Hell on Earth." Hitler is reviled for killing 21 million Jews, Gypsies, Poles, and Homosexuals. The Soviets, mainly Stalin (but including other Premiers) Killed 62 million people with no rationale but political expedience or paranoia. This clearly runs a close second as the worst thing we've ever done to ourselves.

So, while running your socialist countries with 100% tax rates or compulsory corporate states with no freedom, remember what these policies MEAN in the REAL world. The USA has the greatest Constitution in the known universe, but our country sucks because our politicians treat it like toiletpaper and the citizens are content to watch their freedom be destroyed while rich corporations collude to buy influence and squash entreprenuerial competition with protective regulation. Yuk! :mad:

Corporations are great when they are confined to making and selling goods people want, but they make bad politicians. They will keep buying influence as long as the people stay out of the market. So, I say, if it is money that talks with Washington, why can't we just buy the Congress and President back? We could get vouchers for our tax dollars and give them to the rep of our choice in a great big auction, and states might even get to buy back their own repesentatives! Imagine if McCain really represented Arizona instead of grandstanding and trying to regulate baseball players' body chemistry! What an ASS! (I'm from Tucson) Oh well, while my ranting seems unrelated to Carlin, still I think it follows from his work, he always points out the absurdity of authority, even at it's most grim.

Links to figures on murder by socialism...

http://www.hawaii.edu/powerkills/20TH.HTM
http://www.freedomsnest.com/rummel_soviet.html

People, people... you haven't mentioned Ambrose Bierce. For shame.

"Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."

"Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another."

"Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me"

"Fidelity: A virtue perculiar to those who are about to be betrayed"

"Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country"

:D

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.



I love Carlin. Izzard is good too.



And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

Other mass murderers have gotten away with it...Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there. Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest, age 72. Well done, indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Oh, help yourself! You know? We've been trying to kill you for ages! So, if you kill your own people, right on, then. But Hitler killed people next door.... stupid man. After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we? Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people, and we can't even deal with that. We think that if someone kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital and they look at you through a small window forever. And over that, we can't deal with it. You know? If somebody's killed 100 thousand people, we're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100 thousand people?! You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, afternoon tea, death, death, death, quick shower."

:D *worships thread*

So many good comedians -- so few great ones. Some of the best: Carlin, Izzard, The Python troupe, Cosby, Fox (Redd), Pryor, the original SNL and Second City Crews, Williams, Brooks, The Marx Bros (Groucho, Zeppo, Harpo - forget the rest), the Stooges (I'll even throw Shep in that mix), and others I forget as it after six AM and the sun soon rises causing my brain to hurt.

Thank you to them all for so much laughter in such sad and scary days. :D

Night all.

I like the amazing jonathon trick where he tells us he's going to rip a dollar in half and magically put it back together. Then he rips the bill turns around. As he is turned around, you can clearly hear the tape being ripped. he turns around and holds up a taped dollar bill.


Anyone else have props for eddie izzard? I suggest you all listen to him. In fact, that sounds like a good idea. Oh, also - Ghalleger.
Amazing Jonathan and Eddie Izzard are both funny. I personally don't like Ghalager. Have you ever heard Dave Attel's stand up?

People, people... you haven't mentioned Ambrose Bierce. For shame.

"Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain."

"Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another."

"Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin."

"Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me"

"Fidelity: A virtue perculiar to those who are about to be betrayed"

"Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country"

:D
Ya gotta love the devil's dictionary. A classic.

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
:D[/QUOTE]

I hate those "What Would Jesus Do?" stickers. They don't help any situation because the only thing Jesus would do is go get himself nailed to a piece of wood.
;)

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
:D

I hate those "What Would Jesus Do?" stickers. They don't help any situation because the only thing Jesus would do is go get himself nailed to a piece of wood.
;)[/QUOTE]
Or give away all his money and wander around with a dozen guys and a prostitute living off of the kindness of others.

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

"Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with."

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? "

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music."

:D

"Religion is a form of mental illness."

But, hey... it worked for the USSR... well... no, it didn't... :D

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "
:D

I hate those "What Would Jesus Do?" stickers. They don't help any situation because the only thing Jesus would do is go get himself nailed to a piece of wood.
;)[/QUOTE]

This reminds me of a great joke from a comic named Daniel Tosh:

"Once, I was in a movie theatre, and this guy started talking on his cell phone. I was going to say something, but then I thought, 'What Would Jesus Do?'. So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell."